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AIBU to send this to StbxH solicitor, it will almost certainly mean DC's will have virtually NO contact with StbxH?

(41 Posts)
catfourfeet Mon 13-May-13 21:56:14

Hi All,

Quick back story fore those who don't know my story.

DH has MH problems, severe short term memory problems,
Currenlty lives with his sis ( my EVIL SIL)
she controls his life and especially his contact with his DC's
I have taken DC's to visit him ( 7 hour round trip) regularly.
He has NEVER come to see them since he left in Aug 2012.Skypes once a month or less.

The crunch has come in that he did not come to a VERY important religious event for our youngest DC last week, even though he had PROMISED he was coming and then bailed.

Communictaion with him is limited to e-mails that are ignored unless it is something HE wants. I do not have any phone contact`at all. I need to get as much "in" as possible so that if ONE part is responded to I then have confirmation that the WHOLE email was recieved. Otherwise his "memory" will be blamed and the content of the e-mail denied.

this is what I am thinking of sending.

thanks if you have read this far.


Contact with children.

In the foreseeable future, Catfourfeet will not be taking the children to visit StbxH in Another Town. Visits have proved distressing for the children.

As StbxH has chosen to live 150 miles from his children it is his responsibility to arrange alternative arrangements for his / his close family’s contact with the children.

If (due to StbxH’s memory problems) StbxH is unable to arrange contact himself then Catfourfeet suggests that advice is sought from those individuals (either professional or personal) who are currently assisting StbxH with his living arrangements, medial care, financial matters etc.

Once suitable arrangements have been put in place Catfourfeet will make the children available for contact; a month’s notice will be required.

Other forms of contact that are immediately available to StbxH:
Text, voice mail, e-mail, skype, letter, face book.

StbxH’s Possessions.

Other items still remaining at Catfourfeet house

Large canvas print
CDVHS,Vinyl collection
Box of 35mm slides
Children’s school bible inscribed “********
Various pictures painted by StbxH’s father.

If StbxH does not arrange for collection of these items before June 30th they will be disposed of.

Emergency contact with children

In the event that one of the children suffers a life threatenting illness / injury and StbxH’s presence is urgently required would he wish to be informed? How would he like to be contacted during office hours / outside of office hours?

If Catfourfeet does not receive any instruction in this matter then she will assume that StbxH does not wish to be contacted in the event of serious illness / injury.

E-mail communication

E-mails received from StbxH will only be accepted if they confirmed by an additional individual who has regular contact with StbxH (nominated by StbxH).

This ensures that, given StbxH's memory problems, a trusted individual is aware of the email communication in and out of StbxH’s account and can advise him accordingly.

Emails sent by Catfourfeet that are not acknowledged will be assumed to have not reached the recipient.

Until such an arrangement has been put in place Catfourfeet will only accept communication via StbxH’s solicitor.

It sounds very sensible to me. (Are you the one who had all sorts of problems with the sister taking over all the medical appointments and cutting you out?)

NoisyDay Mon 13-May-13 22:05:06

Hi, I was thinking about you just yesterday, I don't post much on your previous threads but your situation sounded horrendous.i hope things are ok for you and your children.that email sounds fair and of luck

DevonLodger Mon 13-May-13 22:08:21

He sounds like he is disabled and has a serious mental impairment. Are you not able to make appropriate adjustment for that? Perhaps he forgot the religious event due to his condition.

looks good to me.

I'm sorry its ended this way though, i always hoped you'd be able to elbow SIL out of the picture and get on with your lives. sad

catfourfeet Mon 13-May-13 22:13:50

He sounds like he is disabled and has a serious mental impairment. Are you not able to make appropriate adjustment for that? Perhaps he forgot the religious event due to his condition.

I do , I made SURE his sister knew , I offered ALL sorts of ways for him to attend , taxi, friends giving lift etc etc NOTHING was good enough.

catfourfeet Mon 13-May-13 22:15:50

SIL has had enough of him and is getting him his own flat becasue he "wants his independence"

Short of kidnapaping him there isnt anythign I can do

BlackeyedSusan England Mon 13-May-13 23:10:37

the other evil sil was not the dh's sister I think.

anyway, it sounds good to me.

Footface Mon 13-May-13 23:18:19

I remember your situation from years ago, I think you had a different name. I often though if you, as what you were going through was awful.
I'm sorry things have come to this.

Your sil is one very strange person, very controlling and manipulating.

The email is appropriate and I hope it helps

catfourfeet Mon 13-May-13 23:40:32

Thanks for the replies.
Just have to get on with MY life now , for me and especially the children. sad

yaimee Tue 14-May-13 00:14:15

Sounds a sensible resolution to me op.
Hope thongs get a boy easier for you and your Dcs flowers

Sunnywithshowers Tue 14-May-13 00:14:52

It sounds eminently sensible to me.

Best of luck OP x

BookieMonster Tue 14-May-13 00:17:41

Sounds perfectly reasonable. Good luck to you. flowers

ChasedByBees Tue 14-May-13 00:32:30

Sounds sensible. So sorry it came to this.

LittleFeileFooFoo Tue 14-May-13 00:52:19

It sounds sensible to me.
Can you put a read receipt on emails to him so that when he gets your email you know he's received it?

MammaTJ Tue 14-May-13 05:55:21

Sounds sensible.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 14-May-13 06:09:50

You have no choice. You have tried and tried and tried but there comes a point when you have to accept that there is no more you can do.

You're at that point.

Sounds perfectly justified.

kungfupannda Tue 14-May-13 08:35:12

It all sounds perfectly sensible. The only bit I would reconsider is the month's notice. That seems to imply that contact will be extremely rare by your choice. I would drop it down to 2 week's notice, or a week's notice with the proviso that if it isn't convenient to you then it will have to be rearranged.

ZillionChocolate Tue 14-May-13 08:50:52

I agree with kungfupanda that a month's notice is too much, particularly if the contact will be local to you.

This paragraph would benefit from re-wording, it's not clear what you mean:

E-mails received from StbxH will only be accepted if they confirmed by an additional individual who has regular contact with StbxH (nominated by StbxH).

InsertCleverNameChangeHere Tue 14-May-13 09:24:34

I think you might also wish to reword your penultimate sentence. I think you mean "Emails sent by Catfourfeet that are not acknowledged will be assumed to have not reached the recipient."

Best of luck. Given what I can glean from the information here, it seems like you're having a rough time, I hope things improve.

nenevomito Tue 14-May-13 10:17:25

I remember your other threads and what you've written seems very sensible and clear.

Sorry to hear this has been ongoing all of this time. I hope you and the children have a better life, moving on.

catfourfeet Tue 14-May-13 18:54:53

thanks for all the replies

I will reword to have 2 weeks notice.

I have also reworded the "e-mail" bit , its longer but clearer.

what I need is for the e-mail contact to be "water tight" e.g. no Wriggle room for SIL / H to say

"Didnt get the e-mail"

"H got the E-mail but he forgot to tell anyone"

"H sent a reply but forgot what he said in it / we didnt know he sent it"

" H did reply, how strange you didnt get it ???"

etc etc

StuntGirl Tue 14-May-13 19:04:23

You're finally taking the steps you need to move on with your life, you are not unreasonable in the slightest. Good luck for the future OP.

ImperialBlether England Tue 14-May-13 19:40:04

Is she the SIL who used to go to his doctor's appointments with him?

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