To be upset that DP's mum will help look after DD?

(54 Posts)
OhThePlacesYoullGo Sun 12-May-13 22:40:30

I know I am not being rational and almost certainly pretty overemotional and hormonal. With my due date moving ever closer and having had a pretty rubbish time of things health wise (epilepsy) throughout my pregnancy, my DP's mother has offered to take two months leave off work to come stay with us and help once DD is born.

DP thinks it's a brilliant idea and doesn't really seem to get why I am in floods of tears over this. DP's mum is utterly lovely and his parents have been nothing but supportive and kind to us; they're not the problem. I guess I am just so sad that we will not be alone as a family with our first baby and that I will not get to do all the mummy things myself. Does that make sense?

I know realistically we need help, DP is studying and while he wants to do most of the nights, I will still need someone around during the day as it would not be safe for me to be alone with DD at the moment. It's just not how I thought things would be.

tomatoplantproject Tue 14-May-13 07:00:33

The best thing you might do is talk to your mil and let all your fears out - if you are able to communicate how much you appreciate her help but how much you fear not bonding as a family unit it may well trigger her own maternal instincts and set the groundwork for her giving you enough space while being a good support. This will only work if you really trust her though.

And as for projects - get sewing!! I made some stuff for the baby while I was on mat leave (a blind, bedding for the cot) and have only been able to get my machine out once since (when dh and dsil had dd).

musu Tue 14-May-13 07:15:20

I think it is pretty rare for the reality of caring for a newborn to match up to how you think/hope it would be. In my case ds was 7 weeks early and when he was a week old he wasn't expected to survive. He spent nearly 4weeks in SCBU a fair bit of that time in intensive care. Not at all what is hoped for or planned. When he came home he was still poorly and I couldn't do many of the things I'd contemplated doing when I was pregnant.

I got through it and dealt with everything and the one thing I did struggle with was going to baby groups and seeing other mothers with their normal healthy babies.

Although it is hard to think like this whilst you are pregnant you are fortunate to have someone that can step in and help for the time you need. You just need to ensure you are in control and you make the decision when the time is right for your MIL to leave. My mum was a nightmare because whilst she wanted to help and insisted she was actually very scared of looking after ds but didn't want to tell me. I wish in hindsight we'd had an proper discussion about what we both wanted and expected from each other. Good luck.

AngryGnome Tue 14-May-13 07:37:53

I can completely understand why you are upset about this, but I think too much importance is placed on this ideal of 'mummy daddy baby time'. Yes, of course you need space together as a new little family, but that doesn't need to be intensive 24/7 for weeks. Many women find their births don't go to plan, and even if they do few are fortunate enough for the first couple of weeks to be unadulterated joy sequestered away from the rest of the world.

I had to have my mum stay for 3/4 months after a difficult birth - I know that is different to a MIL, but it still made me feel sad in the way you do. She did all the bathing, nappy changing, walking around jogging him to sleep - it was not nice to go through that, but it has not affected my bond with DS one bit.

If I was you I would ask her to come after dp paternity leave, and come for weekdays only. Can you also make her aware that if you have friends over, it would be kind if she could make herself scarce? Do you think you will be able to get out and about a lot to baby classes? If so, could she just drop you off and pick you up, and not stay?

Good luck, and I hope all goes well with the birth, and that you will find out that in those magical early weeks no matter how much practical nappy changing/bathing etc you MIL does, your baby will ALWAYS look to you for love and comfort, because you are his/her mum smile

PicaK Tue 14-May-13 07:42:41

Can i just say that it's perfectly normal to grieve for the loss of your new family unit time that you won't be able to have. Regardless of pregnancy hormones - it's shit and I have huge sympathy. You are allowed to be upset and work through that. Be kind to yourself. Not being able to carry baby sounds horrendous.

And then it's time to dust yourself down and gird yourself with a war plan. Draw up a list of baby related tasks and plan how you will do them and what MIL's role will be. Then buy big bunch of flowers for mil to show your gratitude and ask her to go through the list for her 'input'. She may even have useful ideas! This will cover a lot of bases - such as you can do the bath but presumably she'll be sat in bathroom with you. Your midwife or HV can be got on side and explain to her how wonderful she is not muscling in and taking over etc.

That said it is knackering with a small baby and you may appreciate being able to slope off for a shower. And she will need her grandma time. Your DH needs to make serious promises to you that if she oversteps the mark repeatedly then he'll deal with it. She might be pleased to know she's not expected to skivvy for 2 months.

Can i just say though that feeding on the floor is all very well and safe but feeding on the bed sounds a downsight more confortable to me. With enough cushions should be safe, surely?

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