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to be really upset about this?

(42 Posts)
Manyofhorror3 Thu 09-May-13 09:57:10

DH commutes and works long hours but can occasionally work from a satellite office a few hundred yards away. When he's effectively 'working from home' it means he can get up later and come home earlier. We have 3 preschool children and I really need a hand sometimes. Also if he's not in the Cityhe can do the nursery run which is really helpful as then I don't have to drag the other two children with me.
We haven't been getting on lately - he says I put his needs last after everyone else (ie the kids and my elderly parents) but I thought it would blow over.

Anyway I usually ring him in the morning but there was no reply in his direct line. I said last night that I'd tried to speak to him and he just said he had lots of meetings. And when he comes in, he normally says hi and then goes and takes his suit off. Last night he came in but shot straight upstairs without my seeing him and then came down in his jeans.

My mum mentioned this morning that she had seen his car parked outside his satellite office, so I asked him whether he had gone into work and he had admitted he hadn't. angry I said that there might be troubles in our marriage but deceit hasn't been one of them and he said he was sorry but it was because he felt badly treated.

We're going to have a talk later but I'm really upset and angry that he lied!

nokidshere Thu 09-May-13 10:36:52

It doesn't sound to me like he is anything other than unhappy and not dealing with it very well. You can't just brush off his feelings because he is male. And the fact that you say that you know things haven't been good but did nothing about it because it might "blow over" shows that you have got into a rut as far as communication is concerned.

Whilst that is understandable with young children in the home it will escalate into more serious problems if you both don't talk about the way you are feeling. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be sahm and then finding its not what you expected. There is nothing wrong with him feeling that you don't have a life as a couple anymore. All these feelings are valid and need some serious communication to sort out - with you both actually listening to what the other one is saying.

Only you know if you can change your lives to a more rewarding one that suits you both - but that wont happen unless you set aside some time for each other to talk.

Potteresque97 Thu 09-May-13 10:40:27

Yanbu. His money? Funny if it wasn't sad its so offensive. That said, is he having a really bad time at work? If he really needs a break, maybe he should go away for a few days with the understanding that he does it for you next time.

VinegarTits Thu 09-May-13 10:44:29

You say he commutes and works long hours? maybe he just wanted a working day that was a little bit less pressure on him to do other stuff as well as go to work, he sounds very stressed tbh.

I dont see why taking the other children on the nursery run is such a big deal? sure while he is at home he should be expected to help (teatimes, bathtimes etc) but it sounds like trying to work and having to help out is stressing him out, you need to talk calmly with him about how he feels

VinegarTits Thu 09-May-13 10:48:00

I actually dont think he sounds like a twat, i think there are two sides to every story and some of the comments are very harsh

is he a twat op? only you can answer

badguider Thu 09-May-13 10:48:05

I think you need to stop point-scoring and being confrontational. ANYBODY can feel they need to be 'more appreciated' it doesn't mean more than the other person, it means more than is currently happening.

Clearly he's been feeling shit for a while and tried to talk to you and you thought that because you had a worse end of the shitty stick (in your opinion) you wouldn't give him any sympathy.

You BOTH need to talk and you BOTH need something to change in your lives because NEITHER of you are happy - there isn't a fixed amount of happiness in a marriage, if he gets more you don't have to get less and vice versa.
Sit down and be honest, you BOTH feel shitty just now, it doesn't matter if you think he has it easier and he thinks you do, that's not the point, who has it "easier" is totally subjective and you won't find agreement.

The point is you both want change so plan together for it with a really open mind (don't discount you earning something and don't discount him taking time off.... start with a completely open mind).

He earns the money does he? Very well, work out how much childcare for your three would be for the hours he's out of the house. And don't forget to include charges for any of the extra housework you do. How much a laundry service is per load, take aways or ready meals every night, a cleaner for however many hours a week. I think he'll find he's getting a bargain.

He might very well be feeling under appreciated, but putting your contribution down isn't the right way to go about making changes.

Please look above at badguider's post for a more constructive comment. blush

Is this man basically moaning that his dick isn't getting sucked enough? It's quite often men's belief that they are entitled to sex on the woman they live with, and even if he's done sod all housework and paid her little or not attention all week, if she comes upstairs and he's got his cock out, she's supposed to react with hysterical joy and enthusiasm, otherwise she's 'neglecting' him and being a 'boring bitch' or various other nasty comments.

maddening Thu 09-May-13 11:12:49

You need to appreciate each other more. I think you feel as unappreciated as he does.

Also try and make more of him working close rather than just the nursery run. When he works at the satellite office does he pop home for lunch? Could you and dc meet him with a picnic at lunchtime? Find little ways to reconnect as a family.

He is more than the earner/nursery run and help when he gets home early. You are more than the childcare and housework. He is your dh and someone you love and the father of your dc. You are his dw and someone he loves and the mother of his dc. Don't compete with who does more and is worth more - you are both more than that.

A bit of rejigging to ensure you have together time, own time and working as a team is the only way imo.

maddening Thu 09-May-13 11:15:22

Sgb- where do you get the his requesting felatio?

Crinkle77 Thu 09-May-13 11:19:46

What about your needs? So should they come after his?

CMOTDibbler Thu 09-May-13 11:24:06

Whatever has been said or done, you both need to find time to talk calmly about your lives (not those of the children or relatives), how you are feeling, and what the two of you as a couple are going to do about it.

If you have worked yourselves into the pissing contest cycle, this is a really bad place to be, and you are both going to get more and more antagonistic about it unless you both take a very deep breath and deal with it.

What nokidshere said.

You are both unhappy and feeling under appreciated. I really relate to the pissing contest - dh and I used to do this too but it's got easier as they got older.

It's all too easy to neglect your relationship when the kids are small and to feel you just don't have time but I actually think it's really important to make time for each other even if it's not the same or as often. Dh and I used to have carpet picnics when the boys were in bed and just chat and have sex. it's too easy to forget to make an effort and just sit in front of the Telly not chatting when you're tired.

It might feel like you have no energy to make the effort but I think if you make time to chat and more importantly really listen to each other you'll be able to work through this.

Blu Thu 09-May-13 11:45:37

You really need a hand sometimes, and some affirmation for what you do, and acknowledgement of what you gave up, maybe he really needs some suport sometimes because it can feel lonely being the breadwinner, with a heightened sense of responsibility, and maybe little affirmation for that role, or for the giving a hand.

The answer to this is talking about teamwork, what you both contribute to the running of the family. He needs to understand that once you are a family team with split roles there can be no hierarchy between financial contribution to the household and in-kind contributions to the household.

It may be that in the end YANBU, but you won't know that until you have had some discussions where you both look at your own needs, and even more importantly, each other's needs. Some space to listen to each other and acknowledge how hard it is for the whole family to have 3 school age kids. It puts huge pressure on everyone.

Good luck, OP.

NomadicSneer Thu 09-May-13 11:48:06

curryeater Thu 09-May-13 10:26:17

"he says I put his needs last after everyone else (ie the kids and my elderly parents)"

And what about yours, OP? Where do yours come in the list?

He sounds like an almighty twat.

Nothing like a good bit of judgementalism!! How do we know how the DH feels ? God it's horrible, this sitch. Hugs all round.

Zalen Thu 09-May-13 12:14:20

Reading your OP I'm just wondering if he did actually lie to you or did he just not tell you he was going to the local office instead of the city office. When you said you'd tried to call him did he know that was on the land-line at the city office or does he have a mobile, might he have thought you had tried on that number?

You say that he helps out when he's working locally, do you ask him if he can do the nursery run etc on those days, or when he tells you that he is working locally is your response more along the lines of "Oh good, you can do the nursery run then."

I don't know anything about being a sahm, it's not something I ever considered, but I can see how he could be feeling put upon if he's feeling all the responsibility of being the only wage earner and every time he has a chance for a slightly more relaxed morning he instead has to pitch in with the nursery run etc.

I'm not saying he should never help, just that he shouldn't always be expected to help.

When he does help does he get a 'thank you'? My husband is of the opinion that please and thank you should be unnecessary between husband and wife as obviously he's going to do something if I ask and obviously if I do something he appreciates it. It can be an easy habit to fall into when run ragged with 3 under school age children but can easily cause a simmering resentment.

newbiefrugalgal Thu 09-May-13 12:22:34

Can you get a weekend away just the two of you to both get time out and try and work this out.

My partner and I were similiar (not night away but both resentful of the other!) to you and he went off and had an affair. Not saying that will happen here but you do need to get some things resolved.

Jinty64 Thu 09-May-13 20:37:42

I work full time and dh is a sahd. The one thing that really stresses me out in the morning is having to drop ds3 (6) off. It doesn't happen for school now as his Dad takes him to the gate but at holiday club dh likes me to take him on my way to work.

The holiday club doesn't open until 8am and I start at 8am so I start the day 10 mins late. I know it means dh doesn't have to get showered and dressed first thing but it ruins my day.

You need to talk and find out exactly why he feels so unappreciated.

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