husbands puts adult child before me at my financial expence.

(96 Posts)
littlediamond33 Fri 19-Apr-13 16:02:12

i had to purchase new spectacles for driving.(i drive every day to work, my job also involves me driving children)Therefore they are essential. I was a little short this month (I Work 30 hours a week and i have my own bank account) so asked husband if he could lend me some £. He said he didnt think he had any £ left in his account.(I ended up getting a pay day loan, this is something i havnt had to do b4)That evening he went out and brought his 21yr old daughter (who has her own home and fiance that works)a brand new hoover, yet he told me he didnt have any £. I confronted him, he said "his kids will always come first." I do understand this but at his wifes expence?

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 23:56:41

why do you equate marriage with loss of independence?

Wuldric Sat 11-May-13 23:59:28

We have separate finances. A joint account for household bills, to which we each contribute, and then our own accounts for spending. This has certain benefits in that I don't want DH frowning and tutting over my perceived frivolity. It was his idea but I feel a bit miserable when he is at his absolute limit and insists he can't afford this or that. I earn a multiple of DH's salary. I think the separate finances thing only really works well when incomes are roughly equal.

scottishmummy Sun 12-May-13 00:03:05

one lives to ones means irrespective of what partner earn
it's not got a particular bearing if there a disparity
so long as there is discussion,and it's open fair dialogue

morethanpotatoprints Sun 12-May-13 00:03:47

Scottish

Why do you presume that sahm's don't have money or an income for that matter? I know several who gain income from saving, Tax credits, inheritance etc. You don't need to be employed grin

scottishmummy Sun 12-May-13 00:06:49

sure,but it's pretty rare to have accumulated monies that will suffice all adulthood
or have acquired inheritance that supports adult woman without need to be employed
most housewives are unwaged,and depend upon partner wage

Callofthefishwife Sun 12-May-13 00:07:03

This to me is not about joint accounts and how the finances are arranged. Its about respect or the lack of it in this relationship.

He obviously has very little regard or respect for you,your well being and feelings. Actions speak louder than a thousand words. He may say he loves you but his actions are not those of someone in love.

Why do you want to be with someone who holds you in such low regard???

This really is a case of Leave the bastard!

PosyNarker Sun 12-May-13 01:26:28

That sounds awful. There are ways of protecting your children if you enter a relationship after the one with their mother / father. There may also be genuine times you prioritise spends but it should be talked about.

I could go 3 weeks without a hoover (going back to student standards), but DP couldn't drive the car without his specs.

Unless you are very skint, your DP sounds very mean.

WouldBeHarrietVane Sun 12-May-13 07:26:16

Legally, certainly in England and Wales marriage means interlinking of finances because on divorce the whole asset pot is considered. So marriage, or living together without a cohabitation agreement, means the law may look behind apparently separate finances.

Marriage therefore also provides protection for the less well off person in the couple - usually, but not always the woman. This is because the consequences of separation in cohabitation offer far less financial protection to the lower earner, usually women, though they can gain a stake in the family home even if they are not registered as co owner under certain very limited circumstances.

When we married I had far more savings/equity than DH and my income was higher than his. So on our marriage he benefitted when we bought a house together and all accounts were made joint. I then benefitted in return when I was on maternity leave with no income and we lived on his salary. Now he is unemployed he is benefitting from my income again. Since the law effectively deems our finances joint, we just recognise the reality of that.

There are all sorts of possibilities here that are left open. E.g:

The OP and partner keep separate accounts by choice.
The OP has refused him money on a previous occasion.
The OP already has spectacles and only needed a slight prescription change.
The OPs partner previously promised to buy a hoover for his daughter before being asked to help out with the specs.
The OP's partner had enough in his account for the hoover but nowhere near enough for the spectacles.
Very likely, the OP's partner had no idea she was going to get these specs or that she couldn't afford them.
The OP and partner agreed on marriage to assist their children financially before they helped each other.
The OP is no good at putting aside for expenses such as this, and partner is tired of having to help out.
The OP blew her bank balance on botox.

All sorts of possibilities.

DeskPlanner Sun 12-May-13 08:39:55

Leaving aside the lack of joint finance and having to ask to 'borrow' money from your own husband, he lied to you op. He didn't say he wouldn't give you the money for your glasses because he was buying a vacuum cleaner for his daughter, he told you he didn't have the money. I could not live like this. Please come back op, how long have you been with him ?

ShellyBoobs Sun 12-May-13 09:11:42

What a very 'MN' thread!

OP asks a question regarding prioritising offspring over spouse and most responses only refer to the 'absolute necessity' which is only true in the bizarre world of MN of having completely shared finances. confused

OP, YANBU. He should have prioritised your safety over his DD's carpets.

Did he know you would have to borrow money in such a way?

Had he already promised his DD the Hoover before you mentioned your need?

I'm thinking that the lack of communication is the bigger problem, perhaps.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 12-May-13 09:28:58

Wouldbe.

In some circumstances a judge wouldn't just bung it all in the pot. In the case of none financially abusive completely agreed separate finances and it not disadvantaging either party.

They would look at joint assets but everything would not always be considered as joint.

Obviously this would require both parties to be in agreement.

Why is it automatically assumed that the OPs husband is an arse?
Could it not be that the OP is a spendthrift who regularly fritters money away and who had not managed to plan for such a vital purchase?

A payday loan would not be the first port of call for most people. How come you chose this over using a credit card? Do you have a bad credit rating?

thegreylady Sun 12-May-13 09:33:50

We always have had joint accounts. Some of the time he earned more and some of the time I did. We are both pensioners now and everything including savings is shared. We do have separate credit cards which we use to buy gifts for each other. There is absolute trust and absolute love and equality here. I would never have to ask to 'borrow' money from dh I would find that demeaning.

WouldBeHarrietVane Sun 12-May-13 09:43:22

I am aware of a case where a very high earning DH got legal advice early on in the marriage about finances to try to protect himself on divorce and therefore kept everything very separate - the DW was made with her quasi agreement (how much choice did she have at that stage?) to live off her own low wage and dip into her own small savings pot to pay for her share of joint holidays etc. They lived in a home owned by the DH.

The DH instigated divorce in time, presumably for a younger gf and is trying to use the separate finances to argue his DW should get very little of his assets. He is also arguing that she is able to live off very little so it cannot be said she needs more than her own income and savings.

LadyIsabellaWrotham Sun 12-May-13 10:16:35

You see I don't think separate finances are automatically bad when it's a second relationship with prior children. If I married a man with 4 DCs hell would freeze over and we were both on good incomes then I'd definitely want separate finances otherwise my salary would end up being spent on school trips to China while I wore Asda jeans.

But there has to be give and take within a marriage. The OPs situation seems extreme and wrong, unless there is backstory she's not telling us (PPs have suggested several likely possibilities). Letting your OH take out a payday loan for an essential item is Not On.

A FOAF would risk the family car running out of petrol rather than fill it up herself, in order that her DH had to fill it up out of "his" money when he was using it. And she was a SAHM with an allowance! Now that really is screwed up.

The last time I got a new pair of glasses it took about two weeks for them to be manufactured and of course I accepted a quotation first. I put the money aside and, wore my existing glasses in the meantime, and uplifted the new glasses on payment.

I find the situation described by the OP a little odd.

2rebecca Sun 12-May-13 10:23:30

The OP hasn't returned to this post since she started it 3 weeks ago

SophieJo Sun 12-May-13 15:08:27

The OP hasn't returned to this post since she started it 3 weeks ago

I was just thinking the same thing.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 12-May-13 15:24:09

Wouldbe, that case is quite clearly financially abusive I expect he may struggle if she puts up a good fight.

nenevomito Sun 12-May-13 15:34:51

OP YANBU at all. I have a grown up DSD who DH gives money to, but would never do it in those circumstances.

As for joint account - DH and I have separate accounts, but I pay monthly into a joint that we both have access to for emergencies. DH doesn't pay in as I earn more, but I like us having this mixed arrangement.

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