husbands puts adult child before me at my financial expence.

(96 Posts)
littlediamond33 Fri 19-Apr-13 16:02:12

i had to purchase new spectacles for driving.(i drive every day to work, my job also involves me driving children)Therefore they are essential. I was a little short this month (I Work 30 hours a week and i have my own bank account) so asked husband if he could lend me some £. He said he didnt think he had any £ left in his account.(I ended up getting a pay day loan, this is something i havnt had to do b4)That evening he went out and brought his 21yr old daughter (who has her own home and fiance that works)a brand new hoover, yet he told me he didnt have any £. I confronted him, he said "his kids will always come first." I do understand this but at his wifes expence?

Happilymarried155 Sat 20-Apr-13 08:15:27

I'm not saying there is a right or wrong spamishfly, different things work for different families. It's just everyone thinks it's so wierd to have seperately bank accounts and indicate its the sign of a bad marriage or a controlling husband. It really isn't, it's just what works well for that household.

Leave the bastard.

NewAtThisMalarky Sat 20-Apr-13 08:35:07

If I was to end up with a husband, I would have separate finances. It's probably more common second time around.

I had joint finances with my ex, and he took the piss, big time. I will never allow that to happen again. I can see why people without that experience would say that joint finance is the way to go, but it can go badly wrong.

But I still think he's being a dick. In that instance if I was in his shoes I would give you the money and not need it paid back. I find his attitude towards separate finances a bit too stringent.

abbyfromoz Sat 20-Apr-13 08:45:03

I never ask my DH if i can 'borrow' money. I just tell him i need some and to hand it over! wink Lol
Your DH sounds really...well he sounds like a real wanker! (Sorry)
Of course it's understandable to put your children first when they are in need but
1) he lied to you when he said he had no money
2) your daughter and her partner are fully capable of buying themselves provisions
3) a hoover is not an emergency item! Even if she couldn't have bought it for herself straight away it could have waited until she could afford it.

firesidechat Sat 20-Apr-13 08:59:30

I don't know why everyone thinks it's so strange for a husband and wife to have their own bank account. We have a joint bank account that we contribute the same to that our bills come out of and then our own bank accounts to spend whatever is left. How am I supposed to treat dh to nice gifts or buy Christmas presents if he can see where I have been shopping.

I don't think the separate accounts are the problem, it's the fact that the money in those accounts aren't seen as "family" money.

I have a separate account as well as the joint account, so that I can buy stuff without husband knowing ie his presents, but the money in all the accounts are our money, not his and hers. I would never have to borrow money from my husband because it would be mine to spend. We freely spend small amounts and larger purchases are discussed between us.

It works for us, but I'm not sure the OPs financial arrangements are working for her, or she wouldn't have posted.

LaQueen Sat 20-Apr-13 09:01:30

Agree with abby.

DH has always earned far, far more than me. And, often I haven't worked at all.

It woudn't occur to me to ask him for money. And, if I did he would look like this hmm and say 'Why are you asking me?' and be genuinely puzzled.

Could never have married a man, who wasn't open handed and generous.

sweetestcup Sat 20-Apr-13 09:11:40

Of course the op's dh should have loaned her the money for glasses

Regardless of whether couples have separate bank accounts or not money there should be joint money and there is no way you should LOAN money to someone you are married to, this is not healthy and is very controlling.

firesidechat Sat 20-Apr-13 09:11:54

Totally agree LaQueen

My huband is always asking me why I don't spend more on myself. He is by far the main earner (I'm not working at the moment) and he is always supporting his family financially. Daughter's wedding, other daughter's university costs, me, and he has never once expressed resentment in almost 30 years of marriage.

I love my children dearly, but would be very surprised if my husband put a daughters need for fluff free carpets above my need to see properly.

I do wonder if it is one of those situations where the second wife suffers because of the mans need to overcompensate for leaving his first family. Obviously don't know for sure because I don't think OP has been back to supply more details.

Unusualpeep Sat 20-Apr-13 09:24:41

Your DH is hugely unreasonable, you will pay more for those glasses now.
My financial arrangements are highly unusual compared to most on MN as we have never had a joint account and it works for us.

I started saving and dabbling in investments while still at secondary school. So whilst not really rich I can be completely financially independent which is how I like it having seen a Mother having to beg for money from my Father. They did have a joint account but he abused it so it may mean you know what is going in and out but it doesn't stop someone abusing it at some point. He had been fine for years and then just cleared their account out.

LazarussLozenge Sat 20-Apr-13 09:38:45

Sounds like a loser.

Tell him to do one, and walk. What are you actually going to lose?

My wife hasn't worked now for quite some time. We have our own pocket money accounts and we have a number of joint accounts (I am big in to 'piggy banking', so one account builds up for car ins, mot and tax, another covers all the SO/DDs, another is used to pay for my OU.

We'd discuss the purchase of glasses but only in order to ensure we had the money to cover it.

At worst this guy should have delayed the hoover purchase in order to sort you out.

Like I say, time to trade up. Plenty of better men out there who will see a relationship as a thing of worth.

Besides which, his daughter has left - time to cut the umbilical perhaps?

bakingaddict Sat 20-Apr-13 09:45:26

Me and DH have separate accounts with the mortgage and household bills paid relative to our salaries but sometimes due to a big one-off purchase or some decadent retail therapy (usually me) one of us might find ourselves a bit short of money

We will then ask to 'borrow' some money from the other's account, it's not like I sign up DH to a 12% APR repayment or anything, we'll just say 'i'm a bit short because of xyz can you lend me £200 and it very rarely ever gets paid back to the other person as it isn't a loan in the typical sense just overall money being redistributed between different pots.

I don't find anything sinister in our arrangement or feel the need for a joint account and our marriage is perfectly healthy in all respects

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 22:40:41

plenty functional couples have separate accounts,not unusual.despite the mn jury sucking teeth
I'm surprised he didn't let you borrow the money though
are you overall happy?aart from this are things ok...or is this symptomatic of malaise

WouldBeHarrietVane Sat 11-May-13 22:43:48

Separate accounts always strike me as weird, because on divorce everything will be considered as family money and most people usually will everything to their spouse anyway. Why wait for death or divorce?

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 22:48:19

my money is mine.i like financial autonomy.i don't want an ours,his is his,Mine is mine
we have joint for utilities,nursery,bills.other than that own accounts

WouldBeHarrietVane Sat 11-May-13 22:51:06

It's illusory, though, because if you split up the court would consider it all joint. And most couples own the same home, so their biggest asset and debt is the same. If the spouse doesn't pay their share of the mortgage there is a problem, joint accounts or not. Similarly, your spouse affects your credit rating.

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 22:56:32

quite simply I don't want shared finances. my money is mine,i earn it
and I'm always bemused folk keen to espouse the shared pot model
shared pot?naturally if you housewife you want access to the money given you don't earn

chickydoo Sat 11-May-13 23:30:48

Guess I'm the odd one out here
Been married 23 years (together 25) & never had a joint account for anything. We did have a mortgage in both names, DH paid it though, but was paid off about 6 or 7 years ago.
We own everything jointly, DH earns about 6x what I earn.
He puts a percentage in to my account each month, & with that and my own earnings I buy food, clothes, stuff for the kids ( uniforms, school trips etc) I cover all Birthdays & Christmas & usually pay for going out (meals, cinema take always) I'll pay for things we need in the house, like furniture, & things for the garden. from DH's own account he pays for all the bills from car stuff to utilities, he also pays for school fees & family holidays & major purchases ( new car last year)
We have never had a disagreement over money. If I need new glasses Op, and I don't have the money, I'll ask DH to put some money in to my account for them, & he would ( assuming he had the money available)
I guess I like having some of my own money. I have savings in my own name, DH has savings in his name. If he wanted to use mine he knows that would be fine, likewise I know I could have access to his.
TBH we have been together so long
& it works this way for us, we will continue to bumble along as we are I guess.

WouldBeHarrietVane Sat 11-May-13 23:35:40

It's just the way it is. It's impossible to have truly separate finances unless both of you are pretty wealthy as you almost always own the same house.

If you really wanted to have completely separate and autonomous finances you would have to:

- not get married
- have a cohabitation agreement aimed at preventing equitable rights being created in shared assets including the family home
- have wills
- ensure that the property was divided into two legal units which you each owned one of and had a separate mortgage on
- women would have to save up to cover their maternity leave

I think you'd have to get very clear legal advice to ensure a true separation and even then the court might undo it after a separation.

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 23:38:05

nah,it's a mn quirk.to be aghast that finances aren't shared
and take it of indicative of a failing relationship
followed by big a lured explanation of why shared or family money is so much better

morethanpotatoprints Sat 11-May-13 23:45:57

FFs what is wrong with people today.
Of course finances should be shared, but you need your own as well. If either dh or I were short one month we would help the other out. The money for the kids is separate and no way would we put the kids before something we or the household needed, unless their need was greater iyswim. The only account I don't use is dh current account, but the statements are there for me to see and likewise my current account.
Whats mine is mine and whats his is mine grin

WouldBeHarrietVane Sat 11-May-13 23:47:48

I'm not really saying one way is better, just that it's very difficult to actually separate finances.

According to this link, a substantial minority of couples - more than one in three - have at least one joint bank account:

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-299178/Third-couples-joint-accounts.html

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 23:50:03

why of course?thats your preference not a given.at all
I can see a housewife would prefer or need pooled money,as they ave no income
for me having my own money is essential,and I won't compromise on that

WouldBeHarrietVane Sat 11-May-13 23:53:11

It wouldn't be your 'own' if you divorced, so by getting married at all you have already compromised that independence.

scottishmummy Sat 11-May-13 23:53:46

not married

WouldBeHarrietVane Sat 11-May-13 23:54:57

Do you have a cohabitation agreement?

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