Too close father/daughter....

(92 Posts)
AnnaClaudia Thu 18-Apr-13 20:47:50

Three years ago I met a new man after separating from my partner of 20 years. I welcomed the fact that he was a lone parent of a teenage girl. As the years have gone by however I have become increasingly uncomfortable with their relationship. He seems to treat her as a partner, rather than a daughter.

He takes her to the pub with him, (they share wine when at home), lets her dress extremely provocatively and seems proud when men ogle at her. When they are sitting on the sofa together they are draped over each other like a courting couple. She is now 16 and almost too old to rein in now. He has admitted he will never say "no" to anything she wants, allowing her to entertain various boys in her room, let her boyfriend stay over on numerous occasions (on the sofa) when she was 14. I got up early one morning to find said boyfriend in her room, so said it was either him staying over or me!

If I try to protest about her behaviour (I have 5 children of my own so have a lot of experience of parenting) he wont listen and gets angry. I was brought up away from my father so have no idea if sitting entwined with your daughter stroking her arms/ legs is "normal", though dont remember any of my friends being like this with their fathers when I was a teen. She gets angry if we go out as a couple and dont invite her, so we have to go to pubs which allow under 18's. He admitted they talk about things when alone that fathers and daughters dont usually discuss - I was afraid to ask what!

Am I right to be concerned or am I just envious of their closeness as I never had it with my own father?

LittleBairn Thu 18-Apr-13 21:39:27

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man that is controlled by his teenage daughter. This lack of back bone would kill any sexual desire I had for him.

It seems that their boundaries got muddled up along the way and he treats her like she is best mate/ girlfriend.

CognitiveOverload Thu 18-Apr-13 21:39:41

Ok...to me I dont obviously know her...but she sounds insecure plus she is 16...insecurity is common at that age. You sound insecure in your relationship too. Therefore you are clashing. ..is that possible?

sunlightonthegrass Thu 18-Apr-13 21:43:00

Anna - no, I am sure you don't, honestly! smile I was just wondering if that was how it came across?

Quite truthfully yes, he has got his boundaries blurred, he has given her freedom beyond that which she should have at this age and has treated her as an equal. That can be a very coveted role and she clearly is reluctant to give it up.

However, while I think his parenting is too lax, permissive and lazy, really, I don't think some of the observations made - about what they discuss, about the wine and about the physical touching - are fair. Separate what the REAL issues are here from the ones that aren't really an issue but you don't like, if you see what I mean!

Maryz Thu 18-Apr-13 21:44:25

Oh dear.

pigletmania Thu 18-Apr-13 22:26:38

The situation sounds odd op, don't think ter is much ou can do

Lovecat Thu 18-Apr-13 22:33:27

I worry about the way she dresses, that she may give off the wrong vibes and be attacked.

You sound nice hmm

How she dresses is none of your affair and I'm quite disturbed that you place so much emphasis on it in your posts.

As for your comment that you don't believe in bailing out without trying to 'sort things', you've been in this relationship for 3 years and it doesn't seem like your partner has any intention of changing his ways. Without getting into the rights and wrongs of it, I'm wondering if your obvious disapproval of his daughter has backfired on you and far from 'sorting' it hmm has strengthened their united front?

ShellyBoobs Thu 18-Apr-13 22:51:17

I'm sorry but your having 5 children doesn't mean you know more about parenting properly than he does.

5318008 Thu 18-Apr-13 23:24:51

horrible to refer to 'broken homes' ugh vile old fashioned phrase

duffybeatmetoit Fri 19-Apr-13 00:07:46

So her mum went abroad when she was 12 and you came on the scene a year later? I would imagine that she must have worried about her father abandoning her too, which wouldn't have been helped by your disapproval of her. No wonder she had been trying to get confirmation that her dad loved her and wouldn't leave her. Equally if he appreciates her feelings he is bound to want to make her feel secure.

Once she has left home (and you may be looking potentially at another ten years or more away) no doubt he would be in a position to prioritise you more. It is already causing friction between you and from what you have written my guess would be that this will keep corroding your relationship until one of you calls it quits.

textfan Fri 19-Apr-13 01:40:48

Look up "covert incest" there's also a daughter/father version of Oedipus complex I forget name

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 19-Apr-13 01:50:28

YY Duffy.

OP, what do you see as the future for your relationship. Moving in together?

2rebecca Fri 19-Apr-13 05:23:10

As she is now 16 I think it's inappropriate for her parents to be deciding how she dresses, they can refuse to fund certain clothes but16 is viewed as an adult here in Scotland. The intertwining sounds odd at 16 but not pathological, it is odd if he never hugs you on the sofa but only his daughter though. Now she is 16 it's odd he won't leave her alone in the house if he goes out with you, especially if he considers her mature enough to have boyfriends sleep over. I wouldn't let my 16 year old have girls sleeping over, the fewer teenage pregnancies the better.
It doesn't sound as though he's very committed to you and you sound very different so i'd back off from the relationship rather than try and tell him how to parent his daughter and look for someone more like minded.

2rebecca Fri 19-Apr-13 05:34:57

I don't see anything wrong with letting a 16 year old have a glass of wine or beer at home, I'd consider it normal to introduce drinking alcohol in moderation as part of a meal at that age. In England 16 and 17 year olds can drink alcohol in licensed premises with a meal if it's bought by an adult and they are with an adult. In Scotland theoretically 16 and 17 year olds can buy their own alcohol to drink with a meal in licensed premises but in practice few Scottish pubs would serve them. Now my oldest is 16 I will check the landlord is happy with it before buying him a small beer or allowing him a glass of wine with his meal in pubs or restaurants.
Never being "allowed" to go out as a couple without her is odd at 16 but if he won't tackle that then you're as well backing off.

AnnaClaudia Fri 19-Apr-13 11:59:54

Lovecat, if you saw how she dresses you'd know what I mean and why Im concerned. I dont just mean short skirts - I accept that's how young girls like to dress. I mean the tiniest of shorts (not leaving anything to the imagination at all), worn with massive high heels and very low tops, which she wears even in the cold weather. She only has friends that are boys, and of course, they love it! I get concerned that when she is coming home alone at night she will attract unwelcome attention.

iclaudius Fri 19-Apr-13 12:02:46

I'd be worried for the daughter

LadyBeagleEyes Fri 19-Apr-13 12:04:47

hmm

AnnaClaudia Fri 19-Apr-13 12:08:32

I do worry, that's the point. He seems perfectly at ease with it all and laughs it off.

shewhowines Fri 19-Apr-13 12:29:03

My DH and Dc sit "entwined" on the sofa, ie legs draped, but probably only because it is more comfortable to put your feet up and there is not enough room unless you entwine.

I can understand why his DD wants to monopolise her DF attention although that does not make it right. The style of clothing and BF sleeping over are his parenting decisions to make though, and you need to leave him to it there.

The real problem, as others have said, is the fact that he feels it is acceptable to put DD first ALL THE TIME. Yes of course she should be number 1, but there is a distinct lack of respect for your feelings and needs.

It is probably a pattern that they have fallen into, but if he won't listen to your concerns about whether it is actually healthy to let her be in complete control of his life, that is worrying. How do you come across, when you broach your wish to spend some time alone without her always joining you? Do you come across as me,me,me whining and moaning or does he refuse to have a calm and reasoned discussion?

Think about how you communicate generally about this and other aspects of your relationship. Is it only this issue he is unreasonable about? If it is only this issue, then you need to accept it without any more comments and move on or decide if it is a deal breaker. If he's disrespectful of you more generally, then you have more to think about and you need to decide if the relationship is worth it.

Your parenting styles and standards being different is not the problem, not respecting you and NEVER putting you first, is.

LightAFire Fri 19-Apr-13 12:32:42

Yy shewhowines

fromparistoberlin Fri 19-Apr-13 12:33:23

Look its a bit unusual, but main fact is YOU dont feel comfy with it

TBH you have no say on their relationship, so if you cant handle it I think you need to split up with him

It does sound odd, but unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it

Idocrazythings Fri 19-Apr-13 12:33:58

Just another perspective- I grew up with a single parent and it was only when I turned about 16 that I actually understood why my mum would want another relationship; I truly did not have the mauturity to understand why she needed anyone else when she had me? Maybe his daughter is a little like that too?

My mum always put me first, too, and never really sat me down and explained about relationships; she just wanted me to be happy even if she wasn't

ChocsAwayInMyGob Fri 19-Apr-13 12:44:30

Hmm.

It does sound like she is being competitive for his love and wants to be first, and also make it clear to you that she is first.

I can't say I'd like it much, and I think the resentment might eventually end things for you.

Idocrazythings has a point- maybe she doesn't realise that adults can have relationships that are not a threat to how much they love their kids.

I'm sorry to say that it sounds like she will see you off and it will be her Dad's fault for enabling her to do so.

shewhowines Fri 19-Apr-13 13:05:17

I'm sorry to say that it sounds like she will see you off and it will be her Dad's fault for enabling her to do so.

This

Wannabestepfordwife Fri 19-Apr-13 13:30:56

I can see why it would make you feel uncomfortable.

If her mother technically abandoned her at 12 to move abroad and all her friends are male she probably has problems trusting women.

Have you ever tried doing something one on one with her. If you developed a good relationship with her and she learnt to trust you then she be more easy going about you and her dad going out alone.

I was the same at her age with regards to dress and wanting to be the centre of attention but I had incredibly low self esteem and was really self destructive.

She probably feels rejected by her mother the one person who's supposed to love you no matter what so is clinging to her dad.

I would hate feeling second best or not a priority but you will either have to hope things are better when she leaves home or end the relationship.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Fri 19-Apr-13 16:42:26

I would like to add that I think it's awful that her Mum went to live abroad without her. What a massive rejection.

It might explain her toxic behaviour but it doesn't excuse it.

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