DP and I have a 26MO son.
For the first 14 months I was a SAHM. Since then I have worked as a waitress doing evenings after DP gets home from work.
After a few months of being absolutely knackered, I got DS in nursery for 2 afternoons a week. Giving me time to clean the house and myself.
I don't want to live my life on minimum wage, so with summer coming up I have got more shifts at work (he knew I wanted to) and have made it clear to my boss that I love my job and the place I work and would very much like to be a manager in a few years. The extra shifts are during the day which means more time at nursery for DS. Because of how the nursery operates and the work hours I need to do, plus travel time, he will have to be there for the whole day 9-4.
The trouble is at each stage of this, DP has expressed how he thinks that 'if you have kids they shouldn't be in other peoples' care, they are our responsibility etc etc.' His parents raised 4 children working alternate hours or not working and claiming benefits at various times.
My parents ran their own business and made flexible arrangements for me and my brother but we did spend plenty of (Happy!) time at childminders, nursery, etc. or being rather bored/amusing ourselves with them at work. I do not begrudge this or see a problem with it in terms of 'how we raise our kids'. I still spent lots of time with my parents and had opportunities that my partner did not, like, going on foreign holidays and having them help pay for University. We will never achieve this for DS at the current rate.
I don't see how DS being in nursery while I work equates to me not wanting to care for him. At first it seemed like just a little niggle in his mind, but now it seems more like he really doesn't like that I work. He obviously can't stop me from, but geez this is the 21st century. This view extends to his PIL who are very nice people who I get on well with but I feel their inner judgement and masked comments on it too, that 'strangers' should not look after our child or that 'I made a commitment'...
And I'm not saying that parents who are of the same opinion as him are wrong, but, I want to work, and earn, and provide for DS and any future sibling. In my mind if you are fit and able then you work! Being a SAHM did not suit me and he understands that but seems to think I should just be happy with a shift or two a week to give me something else to do, rather than aspiring to any real career.
He has mentioned getting a job with less hours himself so he can pick up the slack, which I would be fine with, but we would lose out on money. 'Oh fine,' he says, 'because the Tax Credits will go up to make the difference'. Except I'm not sure they will particularly with Universal Credit, and we are on a fairly thin line as it is (we always have the money we need but not any more than that). And even if they did... living to survive on Tax Credits is not much of a life IMO!
I know neither of us are going to be brought around and we need to find a balance... I just don't want this argument to go on for the rest of our lives...
Essay over!
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to think at some point, this differing view will be the end of us?
23 replies
mmmerangue · 18/04/2013 14:30
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