Note: Please bear in mind that whilst this topic does canvass opinions, it is not a fight club. You may disagree with other posters but we do ask you please to stick to our Talk Guidelines and to be civil. We don't allow personal attacks or troll-hunting. Do please report any. Thanks, MNHQ.

to think that 2 weeks is to soon to introduce someone new to your kids

(67 Posts)
cuteboots Fri 12-Apr-13 12:22:19

Ok so Ive fallen out with my friend as shes met this new man on the internet and introduced him to her kids. Is this too soon or am i just being a bit silly. Anyway I voiced my opinion and now she wont talk to me...

cuteboots Fri 12-Apr-13 12:59:38

tobylerone- Please read the whole thread first before adding comments like this ! She asked me for an opinion .

TobyLerone Fri 12-Apr-13 12:59:46

I agree, wannabe.

Children are introduced to new people all the time. It doesn't exactly scar them.

Unless the new partner is coming in, trying to discipline the child(ren) and taking up all the parent's time, I don't really see a massive problem in principle.

TobyLerone Fri 12-Apr-13 13:00:46

I missed the part where she asked.

But I stand by what I said. You are being judgmental and it really isn't your place. I would trust my friends to do what they thought was best for their child.

IceBergJam Fri 12-Apr-13 13:03:10

It's only on mn that people feel this is an issue. The people I know in rl just get on with their lives, do what they need to do, and it all turns out fine. Not sure what the difference is. Guess mn attracks more people who have experienced issues.

CondimentCentral Fri 12-Apr-13 13:03:57

I was 9 when my parents split up, & my Mum was meeting a new guy every week (mainly speed dating etc), & everyone single one was introduced to me. I didn't care - I was 9! I barely turned my head away from the tv for enough time to grunt hello. And if I do say so myself, I've turned out quite well as an adult grin & certainly not traumatised or unable to form positive attachments as a result.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 12-Apr-13 13:04:50

In my opinion, the negative effect on children depends on the relationship.

If a mother is meeting men on the Internet and inviting them into her home after two weeks, there are the obvious dangers, but apart from that it is going to be unsettling for children and be detrimental to teaching them about healthy relationships if it happens frequently. Children can tell the difference in their Mum when she is with a regular friend and someone she is trying to make a good impression on, so it is better that she is comfortable and knows a boyfriend reasonably well before he is introduced to her children.

TobyLerone Fri 12-Apr-13 13:09:17

it is going to be unsettling for children and be detrimental to teaching them about healthy relationships if it happens frequently.

We're getting into specifics now, but I have deliberately taught my children that long-term relationships/marriage are not the only healthy forms of relationship. Casual dating is absolutely not an 'unhealthy' thing to do, obvious caveats notwithstanding.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 12-Apr-13 13:14:52

Casual dating isn't an unhealthy thing to do at all, but casual dating to me involves being out of the house. My children had no need to meet any of my casual dates when I was a single Mum, so I kept them away.

YANBU, she doesn't know him from Adam.

BruthasTortoise Fri 12-Apr-13 13:22:39

My DSCs Mum has had I'm sure 15+ boyfriends in the last 3 years, each one has been introduced to the kids and it's had no discernable effect in them. To them the men are largely interchangeable. I think there could be a problem if a parent is introducing a series of long term partners into their children's lives, but for short term relationships I'm not sure kids are that bothered.

SirYoniAlot Fri 12-Apr-13 13:27:19

Depends.

DS was with me when I met DP. He was asleep in the buggy, DP took me for a cup of tea, DS woke up half way through. So he met now DP a few hours after I did. He had just turned two at the time.

I don't see any harm in that, because we regularly meet up with friends of mine he either hasn't seen for a long while and doesn't remember, or hasn't met before.

When DS woke up and saw DP, I said, "DS, this is X, a friend of mine. We're just having a cup of tea. Would you like a drink?". Same as I do whenever we're out.

So... If by introduced you mean a quick hello / goodbye situation then I don't see the problem. If you mean they've sat down and had a family dinner together, then it's a bit odd.

HairyGrotter Fri 12-Apr-13 13:37:21

I'm a lone parent, and it can be very difficult to start a new relationship etc, however I find 2 weeks very soon. How much time did she spend alone with the fella?

My daughter has no true concept of dating, she has seen me go 'out' with different men but they've never had any form of a relationship with her other than them being my mates, like my girl mates.

However, sometimes folk fall in love very quickly. All circumstantial. I'd rather my chi,d had a healthy understanding of casual relationships and casual sex etc!

Fairylea Fri 12-Apr-13 13:44:02

If it's just "this is my friend so and so" then what's wrong with that? You wouldn't hesitate introducing dc to a new friend if it was a female so why a male? They don't have to know it's a boyfriend, and obviously you don't act all physical in front of the dc as that would be a bit full on. But to let them meet mums new friend.... so what?

I was a single mum and dd met dh after about four weeks when I hoped it was going to be a very long term relationship (dd was 7). We all went out to the cinema and dh and I just said we were friends and dd had a brilliant time. Gradually we all spent more time together and she clocked on to him being my boyfriend and we have been together many years now and also have ds 10 months together.

It's a difficult one but for me I didn't want to leave it too long as if they didn't get on the relationship would be over for me andI would rather know sooner than later.

I think you were a bit out of order to tell your friend what you thought, it's implying you think she's a bad parent.

TheNebulousBoojum Fri 12-Apr-13 13:57:30

You really haven't given enough information about the situation for anyone to make a useful observation, if it's just visiting and meeting up, then she's fine.
If it's 'This is your new dad' then she's not.
Adults are allowed to have friends even if they have children too.

cuteboots Fri 12-Apr-13 14:00:47

Fairylea- Im not sure how her asking for my opinion now means I think she s a bad parent?

thebody Fri 12-Apr-13 14:04:06

Not enough information to judge. As others have said.

teacherandguideleader Fri 12-Apr-13 14:11:46

I was with my ex for about 3 weeks when I met his son. He was having a BBQ for his birthday and wanted his family and close friends there. His son was only 2 at the time. It was fine and had circumstances been different we probably wouldn't have met. There were lots of people there so it wasn't an 'intimate' occasion.

I guess it can be sensible to meet the children early on - I remember my ex being quite pleased that I was interacting well with his son - if someone hadn't it would have been a deal breaker for him.

yeayea89 Fri 12-Apr-13 14:12:04

I totally agree cuteboots
My sister recently met some guy off the Internet and introduced her 3month old baby's boy on her risk meeting with the guy and has been pretty much living with his mum and him! We've been worried sick, but nothing we can do! We don't even know where he lives

yeayea89 Fri 12-Apr-13 14:13:03

First* not risk

headinhands Italy Fri 12-Apr-13 14:21:17

Can't give an opinion until you give more info op.

Fairylea Fri 12-Apr-13 14:24:47

Cute - I said because you told her she was wrong (I'm guessing that's what you meant by "voiced (your) opinion" that she will feel you are implying she's a bad parent by making poor parenting choices. That is why she feels upset etc etc.

BruthasTortoise Fri 12-Apr-13 14:32:11

I do believe that the MN standard for introducing kids to new boyfriends/girlfriends is 6 months, on some threads I've seen a year bandied about as a reasonable time frame hmm. As it is she asked your opinion, you gave it, she's huffing and she is being unreasonable. Shouldn't ask if you don't really want an answer.

VelvetSpoon Fri 12-Apr-13 14:33:48

Far too soon, but then on the basis that I see people changing who they're in a relationship with on FB in pretty much a monthly basis, I have come to realise that I am probably out of step with the J Kyle generation...

If (and when) I meet a man worthy of being introduced to my DC, it will be at least 6 months into our relationship. any sooner is just madness imo and (as these 'intense' things normally crash and burn...again going by FB...after about 2-3 months) best keeping DC out of it to avoid unsettling and/or upsetting them.

HappyMummyOfOne Fri 12-Apr-13 14:38:20

YANBU, far far too soon. Six months minimum I would say. Children dont need a series of new partners being paraded through their lives.

However people have different standards and different ideas of what a relationship is. Friends should be able to be honest with each other and disagree at times.

BenjaminButton172 Fri 12-Apr-13 14:42:02

This is a big bug bear for me too.

For me i would wait six months before introduing them to my child and only then as a friend.

My ex tried from day one to involve his gf. He now doesnt see his child because he couldnt get his own way.

It is just unfair on the children.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now