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To say enough is enough

(39 Posts)
textfan Tue 02-Apr-13 00:06:23

Major falling out with sister not first time. We're both single mums. I have one she has two. Basically when the three cousins play together if something is damaged or broken mine gets the blame even if it was one of hers did it. In addition she lies a lot about silly things and important things. It's got to point I cant believe a word she says unless i have other proof. I've never seen her properly discipline her kids. When I'm in charge of her kids I tell them off for the same reasons and in same way as I would my own allowing for age etc. but cos they're not used to being told off it results in major drama. Now she's told her kids I'm not to tell them off if my mum is there only mum can n she's almost as bad. She's also encouraged her kids to refer to me as fat and smelly. I laughed this off at first thinking it was just a kid thing as I am overweight but then the smelly was added n I got suspicious.

Tonight my kid got told theyre not allowed to play on something of the cousins in case it got broke.

Frankly I've had enough. Aibu?

WorraLiberty Tue 02-Apr-13 00:08:26

No, not at all.

ComposHat Tue 02-Apr-13 00:10:39

After all this, why are you socialising with her so much, you clearly don't like each other very much.

I can't see what you, she or your children get out of this, aside from mutual aggravation.

aldiwhore Tue 02-Apr-13 00:14:38

YANBU.

You are too close to a family that you probably shouldn't be so close to as you're so different.

Start separating yourself from this, there is no excuse for teaching children to insult their Aunt!! There's no point telling the kids off either, they're being taught by their Mum. Your sister and mum are treating you like a doormat, you have far higher standards than them, you are doing right by the children, I would start taking small steps at getting busy with other people who share your values.

You don't have to cut them off entirely, just get busy elsewhere.

And don't worry about the lack of cousins issue, of course it's nice when cousins are close, but I can safely say I am not at a disadvantage in life for having any! I certainly would be if I was forced to watch as my cousins called my mother fat and smelly.

myfirstkitchen Tue 02-Apr-13 00:18:47

Fat and smelly? She sounds horrible.

myfirstkitchen Tue 02-Apr-13 00:18:50

Fat and smelly? She sounds horrible.

textfan Tue 02-Apr-13 00:27:28

Silly comments I can handle but yes my kid is hurt hearing it. The lying has been going on since she was about 8/9. It's got so bad that even at a time when we were getting on relatively well I found myself looking up advice on dealing with compulsive liars. Mum knows how I feel and agrees somewhat on what sister is like but won't do anything about it. Dads fallen out with her about the lying but basically just takes little to do with her now.

ComposHat Tue 02-Apr-13 00:55:44

Sorry OP the solution is simple, you take your child out of the situation where he hears negative and hurtful comments about you. Stop playing her games. If you are both adults, it isn't up to your mum to start taking sides - what do you expect her to do -stop your sister's pocket money? Make her sit on the naughty step?

Only you can exert any control in this situation, unless you are living in the same house, I can't see why you'd have anything to do with her beyond civil chit-chat at family events. No one is making you live in each other's pockets, especially as this fraught relationship seems to have gone on for most of your lives.

Disengage, disengage, disengage.

textfan Tue 02-Apr-13 01:14:54

I may have misled. Only mentioned parents in terms of they also have to deal with her n how they do. I know I have to find a way to deal with her myself. Trouble is if I agree to being available at a distance for family occasions she will view this as my acceding to her. Plus there is the disciplining of kids on those occasions. I have previously refused to have anything to do with her but been persuaded against my better judgment to "just be civil" "just talk to her" n I'm back at square one...oh and she NEVER apologises for anything.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 02-Apr-13 01:23:58

Practise the following line

"Fuck off you nasty vile fantasist,stop bothering me"

Repeat every time you see her, should do the job

textfan Tue 02-Apr-13 01:30:50

Pixie lol yes that would be funny and I am tempted. I'm also tempted to bring up everything else that annoys me about her!!

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 02-Apr-13 01:39:43

Nah keep it short clear and concise. It works better that way

textfan Tue 02-Apr-13 01:50:09

Definitely with her.

OkayHazel Tue 02-Apr-13 02:20:08

Are her kids at school yet? Fact of the matter is that Mum isn't the only person who gets to tell them off. Sooner they learn that the better.

OkayHazel Tue 02-Apr-13 02:22:16

Also, if you're not allowed to discipline them, I find the line 'Sister, will you please deal with your misbehaving children, they are annoying/rude/embarrassing/disrespectful/little shits' to be very effective.

textfan Tue 02-Apr-13 02:42:02

Yes her kids at school but if there's a dispute with school or other kids she never believes her kids at fault. Yes I get that u support your kids but there's supporting n allowing them to think they're always right. Just in normal conversation I have never heard her say she likes any of their teachers. My child at same school and she often claims the head has singled them out for praise but I've never known head do this with any of the kids. The kids seem to understand to behave differently at school but then they see dad at weekends n I think he's quite strict. This has caused difficulties too. Poor kids don't know what's going on.

HermioneHatesHoovering Tue 02-Apr-13 05:34:22

Your sister is making a very big rod for her own back, when her kids are bigger they will have such a huge sense of entitlement and feel that they can do no wrong. Nobody will like them, they will turn into horrendous teenagers and she will wonder why!

thezebrawearspurple Tue 02-Apr-13 05:54:48

You can't stop her from messing her own kids up, you can protect your own child (and yourself) by keeping them the hell away from this toxic woman and her kids. Any questions from her and bluntly explain that you don't want to expose your child to a manipulative, nasty, compulsive liar and the two children she's raising to be bullies. Then have no more to do with her.

The only way of dealing with people like this is to give them nothing, treat them as if they don't exist.

textfan Tue 02-Apr-13 07:10:59

Zebra if she weren't family I'd have cut her out years ago. The difficulty I have is she is and unless I choose to cut myself off from parents too I'll have to deal with her at some stage.

textfan Tue 02-Apr-13 12:05:11

So that's the question, at family events how do I strike the difficult balance between civil/rude/appearing to have given in to her nonsense? And how do I make sure my child isn't made the scapegoat n how do I react to rude comments from her kids?

Snoopingforsoup Tue 02-Apr-13 12:10:54

Good God. She's teaching her kids to call you fat and smelly?
Just don't hang out with her. She doesn't have the same standards as you for a start and she sounds like a crap influence.
I think a bit of space may do you all some good.
YANBU.

DontmindifIdo Tue 02-Apr-13 12:11:07

avoid family events? really, how many are there? Christmas then other things, do something separate "oh mum, we can't make it to yours for your birthday, I hope you have fun with Dsis, can I have you and Dad over for lunch the following sunday?" "oh, we can't do Easter sunday, you have fun with Dsis, why not you and dad join us for a day out on easter Monday?" etc.

I'm sure if you put your mind to it, you could avoid all family gatherings before christmas. invite your parents to you or go out round when you know she won't be there, it must be possible to do things just with them.

DontmindifIdo Tue 02-Apr-13 12:14:12

BTW - if your mum tries to manage you both being there say that your sister's DCs are horrible to yours, she makes no effort to discipline them and gets stroppy when you do, so until that changes, you don't think it's best for your DD to be round those children. If that means she has to lose her rlationship with your mum because your mum won't see you without your sister, so be it. Say you don't want a big falling out about it, but you will shout at her DCs if they behave like that again and as you are pretty certain they will and your sister won't do anythign about it, it's best you stay away to avoid a family fall out.

textfan Tue 02-Apr-13 12:34:27

We are a close family normally. But I think a talk with mum is in order, the problem is she is seen as the one who needs the most support as she can't seem to cope. Also because she has ongoing ill health. So my mum reluctant to give her any added stress.

textfan Tue 02-Apr-13 12:37:37

Dontmindifido shouting at her kids for anything is banned. She never raises her voice to them. Even when their behaviour particularly outrageous she says she'll deal with it at home but I don't think she does.

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