Or are my parents a complete waste of time and energy

(229 Posts)

So i'm 20 weeks pregnant I have one 4 year old son whose autistic and I am currently attempting to gain my degree in nursing.

A couple of weeks ago my car broke down very suddenly when I was on my way to a placement for uni. This particular placement is in the middle of nowhere so I really do need my car. My father took out a loan so I could buy the car (this took 6 solid months of begging and finally my brothers had a word. he can afford to help as he has a very good job working off shore) and I pay him back every month through paypal as he lives abroad. When the car broke down I thought I would try and appeal to his better nature and I asked him if I could defer on this month?s payment for the car as I needed to get it fixed, well he went nuts! I said ? dad I need my car I have to get to placement I have one child who I have to transport around and another on the way? to which he replied ? don?t even start me on your that (meaning the pregnancy) it?s a fucking mistake and if I was you I would get rid of it!? #

Now, there was absolutely no need for that reply was there? I swiftly told him he is a horrible old man and not to contact me again. I did however say that he would get the car payments back even if it puts me into debt doing it.

Now for my mum! She had been involved in a very toxic relationship with a man for 3 years. I thought it was over last year when he beat her and was really relieved as I cannot stand him. My brother and I traveled the 86 miles to remove him from her home and make sure she was ok. After this my aunties and he friends began to tell me other things this man had done for example, screaming in my son?s face (he hates loud noises and get really distraught) pinning my mum by the throat to a wall, the list is endless really. Needless to say he is a nasty drunken idiot, and if I ever saw him again I would quite happily run over him and then reverse back over him just to make sure I got him!

My mother knows how I and my other 2 brother feel about this man, her sisters and her friends have made their feelings clear too and we have all done our very best to try to support her. So in November you can imagine my horror and, well, anger when I found out that this man had never really left, she had removed his son from her home (10 years old) but then continued to see this guy on the sly. What makes it worse is that my son has been in her house while he was there (she denies it but I know he has!)
I asked her to watch my son for me in my house as me and my partner are planning on going on a trip away together, this is something we never get as we don?t really have much support around us so we don?t get any ?us? time. This is when she A, decided to tell me that this useless excuse of a man was back on the scene and, B was going on holiday with him so couldn't help me out.

I feel like I want to cease all contact with them both. I am so angry hurt and disgusted at their behavior.
AMBU?

janey68 Tue 19-Mar-13 13:01:16

Everyone has agreed that what the father said was out or order as you'll
See if you read the thread, so no one is defending that. It was also out or order for the OP to beg and
badger for 6 months for him to take out a loan.
Of course, much easier to attack people who
Don't agree with everything you say by twisting what has been written.

I repeat: OPs father should not have said what he did. OP should not have put pressure on him to take out a loan for her. Having pushed him
Into it unwillingly, she certainly shouldn't expect to default on it

Hissy Tue 19-Mar-13 12:38:56

Compared with what she apparently is shouldering, she's probably not far off the mark...

If her F had said, no, sorry love, no can do, fair enough.

He didn't. He said WAY more to a stressed, under pressure, PG woman.

Unless you're a stately homer, you won't see the nuances here.

My point, briefly, is that an OP is entitled to be frustrated, to vent. There is no need to pile in and judge. Especially when you don't have the merest notion of what her situation might be like.

But that is apparently the way of AIBU, shout first, don't think, don't listen, don't care.

It's frankly pretty poor to be defending an attacking stance.

FasterStronger Tue 19-Mar-13 08:09:00

janey she assumes everyone else is living the life of Riley Yes.

janey68 Tue 19-Mar-13 07:49:27

Hissy- yes, off shore workers do earn decent money- who has denied that? But as you say, people have different pressures, and frankly a high pay packet wouldn't make up for the stress factors involved in such a life style for many of us- otherwise why wouldn't we all be signing up for such jobs? And no one knows the details of anyone elses life- whether they have debts etc. I think people are quite right to hear warning bells when anyone posts claiming to 'know' someone else's finances and life style even though that person knows nothing of theirs in return. It's so easy to make sweeping judgements- like I said, imagine how the op would feel if she takes her holiday and people whisper about her that she claims to be broke but is leaving her son and swanning off on holiday? She'd rightly be hurt because that's not the truth- other people don't see the challenges she's facing or the fact the holiday is a gift. That's the thing many of us find unreasonable. It's not about not sympathising with her situation- its about the way she assumes everyone else is living the life of Riley

Hissy Tue 19-Mar-13 07:09:47

Most people would crumble living a life like the OP's.

Blinkered and judgemental Views on AIBU mostly show the proof of this, in that the poster has no empathy at all with those around them.

Many would have crumbled living through some of the crap I've come through, I'm told this frequently. I on the otherhand would crumble if I had to live the lives of some others on Mumsnet. Sometimes I can only shake my head in disbelief at what others have to go through, often at the hands of other people, and at times alone. It's this fact that we should never lose sight of, our own individual strength, and the need for solidarity and support when needed.

Off shore workers do earn decent money. That's why they do it basically. OP knows her dad, and knows the extent to which her Brothers are bailed out, and all she did was ask for a payment holiday so that she could use the money to repair the car.

People in the situation that OP finds herself in are wholly entitled to be frustrated. It's a shame she was so rounded on by the emotionally bereft. People like the OP need our support, not condemnation.

Goldenbear Mon 18-Mar-13 07:58:10

janey, if i'm reading the same post as you, it is clear that the OP said her replies in defence to the inappropriate comments about her being a 'brat'. She is the victim of all those sniping at her, people that enjoy, 'jumping on the band wagon'. She remarked that other people might 'crumble' if they had to endure the same lifestyle at the very end of the thread as Presumbly she felt attacked!

Fwiw, my father works in Africa for 3 months at a time, he much prefers the country, the people. It is not always some great hardship- having to work 'abroad'! Like the OP's Father he earns good money there.

QuickLookBusy Mon 18-Mar-13 07:57:21

I feel for you OP. I don't think it's unreasonable for your F to help you, you say he has helped your brothers, so I understand why you are so upset.

If my adult DDs needed help and like you they were working/studying I would do everything in my power to help them.

What your dad said about your pregnancy was disgusting and I understand why you aren't talking to him. I wouldn't either.

janey68 Mon 18-Mar-13 07:44:36

Hissy- my point is that judging someone just on the surface is awful- god knows, the OP has enough of that with the stares and comments she gets in shops about her ASD son. So knowing how awful it is, im surprised that she makes judgements about her father (assuming that him having a holiday = hes loaded) and - this is what has really upset a lot of people- making sweeping judgements about everyone on the thread, implying that their lives are all easy and stating that they wouldn't survive in her shoes. That is a massive insult.

Goldenbear Mon 18-Mar-13 07:37:47

No the OP wasn't aggressive first - again where are we, the school playground? There was a really crass post about her not being made pregnant by her father but by her DP so why was she expecting her father to pay. As far as I could see the 'angry' posters then had a field day with her.

janey, Rowan from MNHQ has already come on the thread and contradicted your point that AIBU is no place to seek support.

Hissy Mon 18-Mar-13 07:33:04

There's honest opinion, emotional illiteracy and not being able to see the wood for thw trees.

To those putting the boot in:

How many times do we see a woman come on here and ask 'AIBU to ask H to pick his clothes up off the floor before I kill him?

People pile in, saying killing him is AIBU, yeah he could pick up his own stuff, but your're a SAHM, wouldn't kill you to do it now would it?

Then it turns out there's more than meets the eye.

This situation is similar. These are not usual circumstances, and it would appear that OP is being treated differently to her brothers, and is on the end of some vile and crappy behaviour. On top of this, she's got a challenging parenting situation.

We could all forgive her DF not letting her off with deferring a payment, but it does sound somewhat reasonable for OP to ask, and certianly doesn't ever warrant a comment like the one he made.

The question was 'AIBU, or are my parents a complete waste of time'

To all intents and purposes, for all manner of reasons, to the OP it would appear that She INBU in some ways, and her parents have and ARE not being as supportive as most other parents are.

Sometimes the story is bigger than the original opening post. I'd hope that anyone spending more than a few hours minutes of their life on Mumsnet has learnt that there's more than meets the eye sometimes, to look closer, and consider people's feelings by not judging/insulting someone clearly in some turmoil.

My advice OP, deep breath, let yourself stop for a moment and try to see a rational alternative to your family. No-one can think when they're worked up.

What you called Couple Time is called Respite in your situation. You need a break. As other posters have suggested, could your DP parents help out?

Come over to Relationships or SN boards. Stately Homes might help a little too.

janey68 Mon 18-Mar-13 07:06:33

We are not in a league table of life's shit experiences, no, which is why quite a few people's hackles were raised at the OPs assertion that she's got it harder than everyone else, and no one else would cope in her situation. That's such an insult to the many people on mumsnet facing terrible situations such as bereavement, illness, abuse, bankruptcy .....
MNHQ delete posts which don't comply with their guidelines so I don't recognise this idea that some people are just making personal attacks without offering a valid opinion. There have been some excellent suggestions here- posting on other boards for more specialised support etc and yes, if the op feels its the right thing to do she can cut contact with her parents. But if you post on here you are asking for honest opinions - otherwise what's the point? If you just want to offload or want hand holding then post elsewhere without asking if you're being unreasonable . Also this is another of those threads where it was the OP who started being aggressive towards people who didn't totally agree with her.

Anyway- my advice is go back to the DPs parents and see if they will kindly do childcare for the whole week of the holiday - they are clearly generous people having paid for OP to have a holiday anyway. If they can't, perhaps you can take half a week which they're already doing the childcare for? Half a week is still a decent break. I am assuming that even if the OPs mother dropped her holiday plans, the OP would not be happy to leave her son with her now, since she's still with the guy who mistreated the boy. As far as the father is concerned, don't ask for Money any more. He is not happy with it (for whatever reason- and in fact you don't need to know the reason, at the end of the day it's his life) I would also suggest trying not to make assumptions because ultimately you just don't know the fine details of everyone elses life. Eg- you say your father has just got back from S Africa so 'is obviously loaded' ; well, how would you feel if after your upcoming holiday, people say about you: 'god she's always saying she has no money but she's just left her son and swanned off on holiday'. See what I mean? You know the holiday has been gifted to you, and the childcare is another gift to give you a break from a very challenging home life, but other people won't necessarily see that. So I would try to afford the same principles to viewing your parents lives. Neither of them sound as though they've had happy lives- your mother is I a cycle of abuse, your father has had drink problems, and even if he does appear to be taking the money in, working away offshore is a massive price to pay and not one many of us would want.
Hope you manage to sort out the holiday

Goldenbear Mon 18-Mar-13 06:53:00

Should read, 'all this 'entitled brat stuff is completely ridiculous and far fetched'.

Goldenbear Mon 18-Mar-13 01:09:47

OP, you absolutely do sound like you're having a hard time of it and i think this was glaringly obvious from the start. Your childhood, with chronic asthma landing you in hospital a lot of the time, must have been pretty miserable. Your Father's drinking habits don't sound very conventional and as a child I would imagine this was quite scarey. The aggression related to your son's autism must be very difficult to live with. I don't think your misfortunes negate the misfortunes of others. It is not a competition and would suspect you're right that a lot of people wouldn't cope so well with such pressures. I had one particular trauma that changed my whole life and was incredibly difficult to bounce back from but we are not in a league table of life's most shit experiences so talk of a monopoly on bad experiences is irrelevant and as far as I can see another way to belittle you

I have been posting on here since 2007 but have noticed in the last year or so some really hateful posts. I can't relate to a lot of the stuff been written on here anymore or begin to understand posting styles that exhibit bullying behaviour that wouldn't be out of place in the school playground! All this 'entitled brat' stuff is completely, especially as her life is not exactly a 'bed of Roses'.

People should be able to post in AIBU and not be called names.

WestieMamma Sun 17-Mar-13 23:25:01

I understand how difficult it can be OP. I am a mum to an autistic daughter, a law student, pregnant, partner with a 2hr commute, plus I'm autistic myself, physically disabled and in a different country to both our families. I do however think you are being unreasonable to cease all contact with your parents just because they won't/can't give you the support you expect from them.

Your so right MDC., this will be the last post on this thread, thank you for your advice and thanks to the others who have been genuine in their advice, it was really appreciated

MyDarlingClementine Sun 17-Mar-13 23:11:54

Mummy

You have some v good advice here about not posting stuff like this in AIBU, this is because some people dont have a sensitve radar and when its posted in there - regardless of how the op sounds or what she says - they think its a great excuse to stick the boot in. Its almost like they are attracted to the vulnerability, maybe they need that power trip to big themselves up?

Op, dont use some of this feedback as a stick to beat yourself with. Its obvious you have had and are having an extremly hard time.

Ignore the nasty posts, as said before - lower expectations of your family, keep paying your dad back and dont ask for money again, and try and emotionally distance yourself from your mother. as sad as it is - its her life.

you have your own life and little ones to think about. being stressed in pregnancy is not good, you have to think of your baby if not yourself.

FasterStronger Sun 17-Mar-13 22:29:20

mummy - do you have shared finances with your DP?

crashdoll Sun 17-Mar-13 22:17:38

"Believe me after the many comments ive had about being spoilt or entitled i feel im well within my rights to say my situation now and for the near future is bloody hard going!"

Hold your horses! I acknowledged that things are tough but you do not have the monopoly on having a tough life. I've tried to offer you genuine advice but you've continued to be snappy on this thread, even to those who did not attack you but actually tried to help. I'm sorry I don't agree with everything you've said but that is AIBU and you clearly do not think you have been U.

zwischenzug Sun 17-Mar-13 22:03:26

Well OP at least you picked an appropriate name. I'm interested in this crumbling concept. Would others in your situation crumble like a digestive biscuit, or more like a sponge cake?

Pigsmummy Sun 17-Mar-13 21:58:49

OP this site is for grown ups. You say that you never want to use it again, maybe when you grow up you might change your mind?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 17-Mar-13 21:47:40

You're entitled to feel anyway you want about your situation, OP. It does sound tough. You can certainly ask for help and support from your family but, it's not necessarily something that you can or should count on. If it's offered, great, but if it doesn't materialise then you'll need a 'plan b' that you can rely on, ie. yourself and/or your partner.

I've been back to read your first post a couple of times now and, with the later ones in mind, I can kind of see it as a 'vent' rather than 'spoiled rantings'. Bear in mind that people reading your post only have what you write to go on. Nobody knows everything about your life that you do, so if they pick on bits of your post, it's probably because those bits 'strike a chord' somewhere with them; it's not necessarily a reflection on you.

I would say though that when you say that others would 'crumble' in your shoes; there are quite a few posters here who have had a great deal more on their plates. It's not a competition but you don't always know your audience when you post here and if you're a bit inflammatory, you can get a bit of an echo back.

You've had several posters mention to you about the other parts of the MN board; I think that's good advice and you'll find support there from parents who know what you're going through. I wish you well and hope that you''ll think carefully about your relationship with your parents because what you do from hereon in will dictate this and impact on your children also.

janey68 Sun 17-Mar-13 21:47:06

I've completely lost sympathy now you've told everyone on here that they'd crumble if they had to live your life. How fucking dare anyone assume they know the private hell others may be living through? There are people on here who have lost children in horrendous circumstances, had life threatening illnesses, been through bitter divorces, bankruptcy, you name it, it's all there on mumsnet, and that's not to mention the people who may not have publicly posted but have had such things happen

Once again- its that assumption isn't it? That your father 'should' lend you money, that your mother 'should' cancel her holiday and that everyone else on here breezes through life without a care. I started out with some sympathy with your situation (though not with your entitlement) but Christ, you're doing yourself no favours with your venom towards everyone

Owllady Sun 17-Mar-13 21:41:00

and please don't take my posts in the same tone as others, i do mean that in genuine sense! It's quite normal and rational to feel overwhelmed and angry

Owllady Sun 17-Mar-13 21:40:09

Have you spoken to anyone about how you feel?

I don't mean your parents, I mean someone professional, like a cousnellor

Believe me after the many comments ive had about being spoilt or entitled i feel im well within my rights to say my situation now and for the near future is bloody hard going! So your saying im to sit and read about how im not to expect any support from my family or a help very occasionally with chidcare and sit and take it without pointing out my life is fucking difficult and many of you WOULD crumble in my situation. im a mum to an autistic son, a student nurse and pregnant. i do all this with little or no outside support until my partner get home at 9 (takes him an hour to get home) im not a martyr, i usually deal with all of this relitively well. i know people have their own stuff to deal with all im saying is try and deal with mine then see how you feel when someone calls you spoilt or entitled!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now