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Or are my parents a complete waste of time and energy

(229 Posts)

So i'm 20 weeks pregnant I have one 4 year old son whose autistic and I am currently attempting to gain my degree in nursing.

A couple of weeks ago my car broke down very suddenly when I was on my way to a placement for uni. This particular placement is in the middle of nowhere so I really do need my car. My father took out a loan so I could buy the car (this took 6 solid months of begging and finally my brothers had a word. he can afford to help as he has a very good job working off shore) and I pay him back every month through paypal as he lives abroad. When the car broke down I thought I would try and appeal to his better nature and I asked him if I could defer on this month?s payment for the car as I needed to get it fixed, well he went nuts! I said ? dad I need my car I have to get to placement I have one child who I have to transport around and another on the way? to which he replied ? don?t even start me on your that (meaning the pregnancy) it?s a fucking mistake and if I was you I would get rid of it!? #

Now, there was absolutely no need for that reply was there? I swiftly told him he is a horrible old man and not to contact me again. I did however say that he would get the car payments back even if it puts me into debt doing it.

Now for my mum! She had been involved in a very toxic relationship with a man for 3 years. I thought it was over last year when he beat her and was really relieved as I cannot stand him. My brother and I traveled the 86 miles to remove him from her home and make sure she was ok. After this my aunties and he friends began to tell me other things this man had done for example, screaming in my son?s face (he hates loud noises and get really distraught) pinning my mum by the throat to a wall, the list is endless really. Needless to say he is a nasty drunken idiot, and if I ever saw him again I would quite happily run over him and then reverse back over him just to make sure I got him!

My mother knows how I and my other 2 brother feel about this man, her sisters and her friends have made their feelings clear too and we have all done our very best to try to support her. So in November you can imagine my horror and, well, anger when I found out that this man had never really left, she had removed his son from her home (10 years old) but then continued to see this guy on the sly. What makes it worse is that my son has been in her house while he was there (she denies it but I know he has!)
I asked her to watch my son for me in my house as me and my partner are planning on going on a trip away together, this is something we never get as we don?t really have much support around us so we don?t get any ?us? time. This is when she A, decided to tell me that this useless excuse of a man was back on the scene and, B was going on holiday with him so couldn't help me out.

I feel like I want to cease all contact with them both. I am so angry hurt and disgusted at their behavior.
AMBU?

Ps i do however agree with others who say that as much as you'd like a trip away at the moment then you clearly can't afford it so should not go.

HollyBerryBush Sat 16-Mar-13 10:01:40

Op, I for one don't think you are entitled or unreasonable. Parenting doesn't stop once your children are 18. You should still be able to support them as far as possible in their choices.

There is a whole world of difference to supporting someone who is workshy or appalling with money, to extending a hand to someone trying to make a decent go of their life.

There is nothing you can do about your mother though. But I think I'd be giving your father a wide berth for the foreseeable. Unless of course he spunks his money from the oil rigs on high living once he gets home and is in a similarly impoverished state.

A lot of posters opinions will be jaundiced by their own relationship with their parents and extended family. They got nothing by way of affection or support growing up and expect nothing, it's almost a badge of honour to make this claim. One can only wonder at what point they will cut adrift their own children.

MummytoKatie Sat 16-Mar-13 10:26:50

I think I agree with Agentzigzag - you are sounding quite entitled.

I also wonder if your dad thinks he made mistakes with enabling your brother and doesn't want you to go the same way.

It doesn't excuse the things he said but they may have been heat of the moment and you don't know what the financial impact would be on him of having to pay tour loan is. Presumably if he had been that wealthy he could have just leant you the money rather than getting a loan himself.

I also agree that cancelling the trip should pay for the car repairs and wonder about the responsibility of booking a trip away when you have no savings and so a car breaking down is such a disaster.

(Incidentally Holly I have a very good relationship with my parents. They are pretty well off and regularly come up with more and more imaginative ways of trying to give us money. We have to come up with more and more imaginative ways of thwarting them as we are adults and prefer to stand on our own two feet. )

raspberryroop Sat 16-Mar-13 10:31:48

She is a parent and should be responsible for her own kids not looking for stuff/money/childcare off her own parents. Its not that you wouldn't help out your grown up children, but the 'begged for 6mths' to make her Dad Take out a loan and then whines when he's nasty cause she cant pay but she CAN afford to go away with her DP and lets be honest and very blunt here, CAN afford to be pregnant - why cant her DP help out pay for the repairs. Most of this mess is down to the OP lack of responsibility for herself, nothing else.

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 16-Mar-13 10:32:03

So, your father took out a loan to buy you a car? And then when he needed you to make the repayments you told him not to contact you again? christ on a bike

raspberryroop Sat 16-Mar-13 10:32:13

Her dad didn't get her up the duff did he?

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 16-Mar-13 10:34:14

USe the money you were going to use for the trip away to pay for the car, you also wont have to leave your child with someone you don't like - sorted. Honestly, its time you grew up actually.

AgentZigzag Sat 16-Mar-13 10:37:08

A bit of a nasty swipe at those who think the OP's being unreasonable in your last paragraph Holly.

I agree that posters are writing from the perspective they've experienced, but where else do you think they going to write from?

I can only speak for myself, but I received a lot of support and affection from my parents growing up, finding out they're not what I thought they were when I got older is hardly 'badge of honour' material.

Come back in 10/20 years and I'll tell you whether that experience has fucked me sufficiently so I've inevitably fucked up my own children.

letseatgrandma Sat 16-Mar-13 10:42:01

Your poor dad-you sound like a nightmare! If you have to badger someone for 6 months to take out a loan-does it not occur to you at any point that they really don't want to do it? Then, you are planning a holiday away, have got pregnant (both v expensive activities) but are expecting him to pay a loan repayment for your car for a loan he didn't want to take out! I can totally understand where your dad is coming from. You sound about 15.

raspberryroop Sat 16-Mar-13 10:48:19

Holly - its not about love from parents or any perspective of, its about reasonable expectations.
Reasonable to ask Dad for a loan - yes
Reasonable to ask Dad to take out a loan FOR You - just.
Reasonable to pester for 6 mths and get brother to join in begging ? NO - Then reasonable to default on payment and wonder why he's pissed off NO

MummytoKatie Sat 16-Mar-13 10:50:17

Again - agree with agentzigzag

SneakyNinja Sat 16-Mar-13 11:20:57

I have a wonderful relationship with my parents holly they are infact the most supportive and helpful people I know. So there is no need for me to debate that point as you appear to just be incorrect in this instance smile

The holiday was a gift from my partners parents at xmas. They said we work hard and never get time away so they got us a week away, theu are looking after him for half of the time, i was asking one of my parentd to look after him for 48 hours!

My father pay packet is obscene, he's a camp boss on a oil rigg its no minimum wage job. The reason i asked begged him to help me out with the car was because im not entitled to a mobility car for my son! I was struggling on a daily basis with my son i was refused credit as i am a student and my partners credit rating is terrible. My dad has given my brother thousands over the years, i have never asked for help, so its unreasonable to ask for help taking out a loan when i was really struggling. i wouldn't of asked if i wasn't desperate! Im not asking him to pay it..i do, every month with no problem usually. i was asking for one months grace!!

Murphy0510 Sat 16-Mar-13 11:33:43

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letseatgrandma Sat 16-Mar-13 11:34:38

Once month's grace from a loan YOU made him take out for you when he didn't want to. Will you just listen to yourself?

Spoilt..pfft i wish!! i sound spoilt for needing transport and asking my father to help out his daughter! A sense of entitlement would be asking him to give me the car, i asked for the means to help me get it and a payment plan to give the money back to him!

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 16-Mar-13 11:41:29

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raspberryroop Sat 16-Mar-13 11:45:36

You know your fathers income but you do not know his expenditure - if he had to take out a loan then he's hardly rolling in it is he. Why are you pregnant if you can't afford a car that is necessary for your course ?

BackforGood Sat 16-Mar-13 11:59:56

I have to agree with AgentZigZag, Raspberryroop and others.
Interesting that you've made a choice to be a student but yet still feel entitled to be able to afford to run a car, get pregnant, and go on holiday, whilst thinking other people should somehow fund that for you hmm Not the way I think, for sure.
As 2 adults, you and your partner should surely be taking responsibility for your own lives. For this case, you could use the 'break' money to pay for the car repairs, and then you don't have worries about your mother looking after your child either.

drudgewithagrudge Sat 16-Mar-13 12:01:40

Where is the father of your children in all this? It seems to me that he is more responsible for your situation than your father.

LadyPessaryPam Sat 16-Mar-13 12:05:33

Personally I would cut both your parents out of your life and I wouldn't pay your Dad another penny. Concentrate on your brothers, they sound nice, and your DP and DCs. Your 'D'Ps don't deserve your love and concern.

DeskPlanner Sat 16-Mar-13 12:08:40

I agree with most of the others, you sound very spoilt. I think its mortifying to badger your dad for 6 months, then ask to default on a payment. I would be so embarrassed if I were you. If your pil are rich enough to buy you a week away, ask them for the car money. Most people don't get given a weeks free holiday by the way. This break your going on, I know its paid for, but aren't you taking any spending money with you ?
Most people on here would love just an evening out with there partner, but money and childcare issues restrict a lot of people being able to do this. Most people don't get a break or us time. It's called parenthood.
You dad sounds horrible for what he said to you though. I feel sorry for your mum.
She probably doesn't want to look after your son, to keep him away from her violent partner. Sounds like she's been through a lot.

SneakyNinja Sat 16-Mar-13 12:09:58

Ok, I am not going to call you a brat or entitled or anything like that but it does sound to me as if you have a lot going on (parents issues aside) and maybe a little perspective is needed.
Your Mother sounds like she is in an abusive relationship and although this can be so bloody frustrating and difficult to understand, she probably needs support rather than anger towards her. If she is already planning on going on holiday and cannot babysit for you, that's just tough luck I'm afraid. She shouldn't really be expected to change that.

As for your Father, I also agree with others that say his expenditure may be more than you think. If he had to take out a loan for your car then he obviously isn't rolling in it and clearly has little savings. What he said to you was completely out of order. End of. It may be that he is frustrated with YOUR CHOICE to get pregnant again whilst you are clearly already struggling.

Dededum Sat 16-Mar-13 12:18:53

OP don't think you are spoilt, getting a really hard time on here.

I do know how it feels to be struggling when your parents are wealthy but then it is hard to ever know the extent of another persons value.

raspberryroop Sat 16-Mar-13 12:37:46

Dedebum - he had to take a LOAN out to buy her car that is not wealthy.

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