Mumsnet Talk

DD is 5.5 years old, her father and I have been separated for over 3.5 years and he sees her once per fortnight only through his own choice. Up until now, if DD had a party to attend or dance show/gymnastics competition etc to take part in which fell on her dads contact weekend then I'd swap contact weekends so DD could attend/take part - he refuses to take her to any parties or activities but she also doesn't want him to. However, now DD is getting older I no longer attend parties with her like I used to so am missing out on time with her there. She's good at/enjoys dance, gymnastics and swimming and now she's older has competitions and shows to take part in. I have no problem in ferrying her to/from these if her dad won't but AIBU to say I will not replace contact missed due to parties/activities?
For example, next month it's her dance schools annual shows. One weekend there is a dress rehearsal (dads weekend so he'll expect me to replace the day though I won't see her all day) the next weekend (mine) there are 5 shows which I'll take her to/from but will barely see her. The following week there are 3 shows so he'll expect another day to be replaced thereby not leaving DD any weekend time with her sister and I for an entire month.

YANBU

YANBU-tell him he must attend the events if he wants contact-make sure you tell him by text/email so you have a record.

Yanbu

Why on earth would he not want to at least go and see her in a show?

No YANBU.

Yanbu. His weekend is his weekend. As she gets older even more things will come up and you can't possibly keep chopping and changing times. He should want to be more involved and see her dancing or in her competitions anyway.

My daughter's best friend didn't come to her birthday party because it was her dad's weekend to have her and he doesn't take her to anything, they were both so upset.

He has no problem attending the events and taking credit for how talented she is, he just expects contact time to be made up and to not have to play any part in helping get DD to lessons/rehearsals etc. Last year I queued for 2.5 hours at 8.5 months pregnant to get him dance tickets then ferried DD to every lesson, rehearsal and show with tiny baby in tow. I asked if he could queue for tickets this year as I have no one to have baby - he simply refused.

How far away does he live? If he's within a reasonable distance then YANBU to expect him to do the ferrying on his weekends. That's part of parenting, and an increasing part as they get older.

If he lives more than an hour or so away then I think it is difficult and you may have to compromise some of the time.

That's what concerns me gallifrey - that if I won't make up contact time then she won't be able to go to/take part in things as he won't let her.

He lives 25 miles away and has a company car with fuel paid for by company. I don't mind doing the ferrying if he doesn't want to I just don't think I should be expected to sacrifice my time for parties/activities yet he gets to retain all his quality time.

I think yabu, sorry. Is it a joint decision for her to carry on all these activities? And actually, she doesn't need to go to every party she's invited to - he should be allowed to choose what they do together.

YANBU. Give him the option to take her, or offer to do so, but don't swap because of it. Explain clearly that you are losing out on contact by doing this.
The trouble with contact however, is that when it comes down to it, it needs to be agreed between the two of you. So if he is unreasonable about it, you might need to simply let her miss out on some shows on his weekends. He might start taking her if he realises that this isn't fair on her. At the moment he's taking you for granted.

he refuses to take her to any parties or activities but she also doesn't want him to.

can you blame him if it is your daughters wish that he doesnt do the ferrying?

That is quite a distance. I don't think I'd want to drive a total of 100 miles (2 return trips) or linger around for 2 hours just for the sake of a party.

At the end of the day you can say you're not going to swap any more, but you can't force him to take her to the activities, so your DD may end up the loser. Can you get him involved in the decisions over what activities she does up front, so he feels an obligation to take her if they fall on his weekends? Or offer some compromises when he takes her to the really important things, the least important things just go, and you maybe swap on the odd occasion when you/DD think it's important but he disagrees?

YANBU. Why should your daughter miss out just because he can't do the things that parents do (ferry kids)

My dd would be heartbroken if she had to miss out on dance shows.

if parties and events fall during his contact time then it needs to be up too him as to whether or not she attends them. It shouldn't necessarily be down to you to swap contact, but if you choose to do this then yes, it is reasonable for contact to be made up elsewhere. I'm afraid that time spent away doing an event/party doesn't equals missed contact for you if it falls on your contact time - it equals part of what children do - going to parties and events which parents do not stay to witness.

So I would tell him that you're not going to swap the contact weekends and that it's up to him to get your dd to parties/events, but if he chooses not to doo that then that's his call.

Disagree that HE should choose what they do together - surely DD should have a say? When all he generally does is put her in front of the TV/takes her out to restaurants she doesn't like the food at, it's understandable that DD wants to do parties/shows etc instead. I didn't say I expected him to make a 100 mile round trip for a party, I don't expect him to do anything except appreciate that she needs quality time with both of us.

WannaBe - in that case (as I agree is fair) he'd just make DD miss out and tell her it's my fault because I won't swap.

Ex refuses to take the boys to birthday parties if they fall on his day. The couple of times out has happened, DS1 (who was 6 or 7 at the time, chose the parties. His dads loss IMO.

If I had events (parties, dancing etc) which fell on a 'Dad weekend', then Dad took me even though he lived nearly an hours drive away at times.

Those dance shows are quite full on... even for willing parental participants. I couldn't think of many things worse than being forced/obliged to take a child to one of those. To be fair, it's often the "mum's thing" isn't it? But if it's a joint agreement that DD attends, then it should be joint responsibility to take one for the team if it falls on his/your weekend. She's still too little now, but as she gets older I think she'll need to start liaising with him re activities on his weekends. Then he can deal with the fallout from her (as it will have been of his own making).

YANBU.

To reiterate - I'm not insisting he take her. At present if she had dance rehearsal on his contact day then he'd choose to not see her and expect me to give up my contact day to replace it.

Just saw your post about how he gives her tv and restaurants. That's a bit rubbish. Again, when she's older he'll be reaping what he's sown and I suspect she'll be reluctant to spend any time with him.