To think my SIL purposefully tried to spoil our wedding day?

(174 Posts)
ThreadWorms Tue 05-Mar-13 18:25:59

A bit of a back story first - my SIL (not technically as this is BIL's girlfriend) and BIL were meant to get married last year and had found a venue they wanted to use but decided to use the money her father had given her for the wedding on a house purchase instead. She then told me that they would probably get married abroad in a couple of years. Fast forward to last year and DH and I decided to finally set the date for our wedding having come into a little bit of money which would enable us to do it. As our budget was low we found a couple of venues with winter offers one being the one that SIL was going to use. I was dubious about upsetting her but after a huge fallout with a close friend over the other venue (one date left and she demanded I let her have it - we haven't spoken since) we decided to go ahead with sil's venue believing that it wouldn't matter since they would never use it anyway. SIL is a difficult person, I have posted about her before and she demonstrates many characteristics of narsassistic personality disorder. She has taken over other key events in our life and I fully expected her to do 'something' on our wedding day but she really excelled my expectations.

Firstly she ate her starter and then disappeared outside for the rest of the evening for the most part. She spend near enough the whole time stood outside with the smokers. I realise that this is her prerogative but she made it obvious that she didn't want to be there.

She heckled my dad all the way through his speech and insulted my DH.

She started arguments with a few of my friends over things that happened over 5 years ago. She accused my best friend and bridesmaid of sending her a nasty message on Facebook which never happened. She was generally very rude and nasty to my friends. She has a tendency to be this way with people anyway but I was shocked by just how openenly nasty she was. My friends did very well not to bite but at one point I really thought it could end up with physical fighting as she just wouldn't stop goading them with vile comments.

She was visibly annoyed and said as much that we had been lucky enough to get a good day weather wise which of course people were commenting on.

She told anyone who would listen that we had 'stolen' her venue. She also kept telling people that she was gutted that her sons had not been asked to he pageboys despite the fact that DH had asked them but stipulated that they would have to pay for the suit hire. They opted not to do this, fair enough.

I generally tried to avoid her anyway as I don't like her very much but at one point she pulled me over to have a 'heart to heart'. It started off very nice with her complimenting my dress and the wedding decoration etc, but then she admitted that she was angry with us for booking that venue. I tried to explain what had happened but she wouldn't hear me out. She said that friends of hers had encouraged her to book the same venue but go bigger and better which she now felt she couldn't do as I'd done such a great job. I told her it wasn't a competition and that I would be happy if she felt she could still have her wedding there if that was what she wanted. I do not subscribe to this belief that friends or family cannot use the same venue.

She ended up asking me if I had a problem with her. On any other occasion I probably would have explained my issues with her but I felt it wasn't the time or the place.

What made me most angry was this though. Many years ago DH had an affair with one of sil's friends. We got through it and I never blamed SIL for her involvement despite the fact that she helped to hide what was going on. I disliked her before this anyway so that was never the issue. Despite the fact that her BIL has also cheated on her she still loves to make out that they have a better relationship than we do. Anyway, I don't know what possessed her but she started saying that we would never see eye to eye due to the past with her friend/ow but going on and on about how great and amazing her friend was. That was it for me and I made my excuses and went back inside to spend time with our guests that were actually happy for us. I mean is it just me or was this totally and utterly inappropriate to bring up Mine and DH's past like this on our wedding day? We have discussed the situation before, there was just no need as far as I could see. Things have moved on anyway, we have has children since the affair, we have got through it. Why drag it back up on what was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives?

So Aibu to think she did this on purpose or should I cut her some slack since it was inevitably going to be difficult for her since she had wanted her wedding there? Or could we have reasonably expected her to keep her feeling to herself just for one day? I've put myself in her position and I think that even if I was angry etc I would have tried to be happy for them and put my own feelings to one side for their big day.

you had me until the bit about her getting angry about someone baby being born on the same day! grin

So actually you were getting married in the venue that was, as far as you knew, her rejected choice?

She is a cow. Hope bil sees sense. Sounds like he may be on his way to doing so. What does your new mil think of her?

digerd Tue 05-Mar-13 19:29:57

I am horrified. Why doesn't anybody have a go at her, or are they all afraid of her ?
What about your parents and Dh's. And BIL needs his head examined for his awful choice of bride to be.

YANBU. She is a very nasty piece of work

ThreadWorms Tue 05-Mar-13 21:22:19

Hi all. Thanks for the replies. I've been out so just caught up on the thread.

To answer some of the points raised:

When we booked the venue she had told us she intended to get married abroad. Her father gave her a very generous wedding budget at the time which she spent on a house and she had said they would have to save for the wedding. This particular venue is very expensive in summer and neither of us knew they had a winter offer. Se likes to credit herself with finding this venue and we copied but I found it independently on a search for cheap weddings. When she realised that they have a very cheap winter offer she has since changed her mind and said she will still be using this venue. However, BIL has also told DH that he still thinks its too much money and wants to go abroad or have a registry office wedding.

Hairy, I wish I was making this up. I realise she must sound like a characature as I am frequently shocked at just how nasty and spiteful she is.

We don't speak to mil anymore, she fell put with the whole family including BIL and SIL so I'm not sure what she makes of them. Nobody is quite sure why BIL is with SIL as so many people dislike her but they have been together a long time and he is very protective of her. I think this is in part why nobody will say anything to her. Other SIL, DH's sister, can't stand her and is getting closer to saying something to her. I know she's had enough. We both have.

With regard to the boys being pageboys, that was DH's fault. We have a son of our own who was to be pageboy. DH is very close to his sister so asked her without thinking if her boys could be pageboys. I did have an argument with DH at the time as it mean BIL's two would need to be asked but also my nephews. We couldn't afford to pay for suits for so many children plus the ushers and fathers as we did, so we gave them the option to pay themselves. DH's sister did so by my sister and BIL decided not to.

I am really grateful for the replies. I was questioning whether I had been unfair to her since I knew it must have been difficult (despite not understanding why we both couldn't use the venue) but even so, I felt she went out of her way to spoil things when she could have quietly sulked,

The worst thing is her being in the 'family' group shots. I carefully orchestrated it so that they would be immediate family only (no partners) and we had a limited time for photos but she jumped in anyway. Think I will ask the photographer to edit her out grin.

ThreadWorms Tue 05-Mar-13 21:29:15

Oh, with regard to other venues in the area? There are quite a few but all really expensive. It was between two that had a very cheap winter offer. One caused a massive fallout with a close friend as we both wanted the last date. I couldn't be bothered with fighting over it and she was a massive cow to me over it (think screaming matches in the playground confused) so I just backed down and removed our provisional booking and let her have it.

Possibly upsetting SIL over a venue they did want bit never booked and might maybe possibly use on an indeterminate date was the more appealing option. We could have waited to see what they did but they had no definite plans (or money according to them) so we could have been waiting a lifetime when we'd already waited long enough.

Thanks for the congratulations as well smile.

FakePlasticLobsters Tue 05-Mar-13 21:58:47

Have you posted about this before? I'm sure I remember the big wedding budget being used for a house and then the hissy fit because of the 'stolen' venue.

She's being ridiculous. And confronting you on your wedding day was wrong. She could have said something before, or after, or preferably never, but not on the actual day.

katrinefonsmark Tue 05-Mar-13 22:05:24

Heckling your dad stands out as a particularly vile thing to do.

midastouch Tue 05-Mar-13 22:43:39

YANBU sorry she tried to ruin your day, i hope it didnt though! silly cow

ThreadWorms Tue 05-Mar-13 23:35:39

Lobsters, yes I have posted about this before. It was my very first post on Aibu actually as my SIL had booked her dc's christening so that it clashed with my dd's birthday party 2 years in a row. I thought that her motivation for doing so was as punishment for booking 'her' wedding venue. I remember saying in that post that I had a feeling she would attempt to spoil the day itself. I'm either psychic or more likely, she's just far too predictable.

Midastouch, thankfully her attempts were unsuccessful. We had an amazing wedding day and everyone bar her really enjoyed it. But I'm still cross with her for even trying to spoil things. Even though she does this all the time, I continue to be shocked by just how low she's willing to sink. I have never known anyone like her. I like go think I am a nice person who is considerate of other people's feeling and do I really struggle to understand her motivation.

Kytti Wed 06-Mar-13 00:00:16

Hm, do we share a SIL? I have a horrid SIL too. One day you will not call on the appointed time, or might perhaps comment you've not seen much of them recently, and she will take this as an excuse to call you a selfish cow and never speak to you, your dh or your dc's ever again.

Sorry, not much I can say to help. Some people are just nasty and jealous. It's a very hard thing to live with, but you need to avoid this person as much as you can. She will NEVER really like you, no matter how much paper you put over the cracks.

Big hugs. xxx

INeverSaidThat Wed 06-Mar-13 00:27:48

What an awful woman, I would try and ignore her and avoid her for evermore.

Get DH to meet up with his DB on his own.

It is sad but you wont ever change her or make her see sense.

Congrats on getting married thanks

Inertia Wed 06-Mar-13 07:00:30

She sounds awful.

Her antics have made her look a total bitch in front of a roomful of people. You were perfectly reasonable to book the venue - her response is just spite. Just try to focus on the good things, and drop SIL from your lives.

EuroShaggleton Wed 06-Mar-13 07:05:42

She was BVU to behave as she did, but I think you were insensitive to use that venue.

kalidanger Wed 06-Mar-13 07:08:41

I think you have to stop being shocked and disappointed by her bahaviour. You know she's awful, and this was merely another example of it. You won't understand why she's so horrible, because you are nice and she is not. You won't get an explanation or apology and (forgive me) you'll keep starting threads if you don't accept that.

Arrange your life so she has as little to do with it as possible. Her being invited to every big family occasion just gives her a stage on which to dance her vile dance of vileness in the spotlight.

It's happening over and over and over again and if she won't stop, you have to stop.

LIZS Wed 06-Mar-13 07:09:30

I too would have avoided the venue as it was bound to cause ill feeling. She behaved appallingly but I cant help wondering why you attention was so focussed on her and not enjoying your big day ? Don't think I would have noticed her going out for a smoke and the petty arguments.

diddl Wed 06-Mar-13 07:16:20

She does sound awful and as if she has "form".

Although if you had a booking for a different venue, I don't know why you let it go tbh.

Not that I would have avoided the venue for SILs sake, though either.

Groovee Wed 06-Mar-13 07:26:27

She sounds like dh's SIL. It's hard work but I've not spoken to her in 4 years and life is bliss.

weegiemum Wed 06-Mar-13 07:41:46

This is quite like a friend of mine. We got engaged about the same time, lots of ooo-hh ing over rings etc.

Then we booked our wedding - at my parents (formerly my - I'd moved away) church then a nice country hotel close by. Didn't see the need to tell anyone at that point what was booked. Friend was from school (so same home town) but lived in a different city to me.

My wedding was booked for December (same cheap winter offer!) and I got a "keep the date" type email - before the keep the date type things were popular as we're talking mid 90s- for the following July! the October before my wedding, just as we were sending out our invitations! it dodnt mention venue.

So I sent her an invitation. She was my friend. She declined, saying she'd be at her fiancé's house several hundred miles away. It was a bit embarrassing for us both when I bumped into her on the morning of my wedding outside the salon where I'd just had my hair and makeup done. It was then she told me I'd "stolen" her wedding venue! Her parents went to the same church as my parents id, so I'd "stolen" that, too. Despite it having been my home church from age 11-18, and that I still went to church (still do!) and she'd stopped attending at 17 when she left home.

She didn't invite me to her wedding 7 months later. I'm quite glad she didn't. Since then we've had sporadic contact but she also wasn't happy when I had dd1 4 months before her ds was born, had ds a year before her dd was born, and she hasn't contacted me now since dd2 was born. She wanted 3 but her dh didn't.

There are just some people who have to be first. There were 5 of us from school who were a wee unit. All of us are still in touch 25 years on (despite one being in Oz and one in Canada) apart from Mrs Competitive!

Reality Wed 06-Mar-13 07:57:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnwardBound Wed 06-Mar-13 07:59:32

You seem to have some very childish people around you.

I can't believe how both SIL and ex-best friend have acted over a wedding venue. Seriously, how old are they, five?

You are best shot of the pair of them.

EnjoyResponsibly Wed 06-Mar-13 08:00:44

I reckon that given your comments about BIL he's a bit of a tightarse. Maybe diverting their wedding funds into the house purchase wasn't her preferred choice, hence residual bitterness.

Given her form though booking the same venue was always going to be risky, wasnt it?

As to her behaviour on the day, well that's inexcusable. But you have a solid gold excuse to off her from all key events going forward.

Katisha Wed 06-Mar-13 08:08:01

Reality I remember all that. How come she is less bonkers now? What has happened?

Reality Wed 06-Mar-13 08:17:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oh, withdraw, withdraw - this woman will never be satisfied and will always make you tear yourself up in knots about whether you've been fair. You've done nothing wrong, she has. You are never likely to get an apology so probably best not to see her again - just gently withdraw and stop replying to texts etc etc.

LIZS Wed 06-Mar-13 08:18:35

Glad for you Reality, you clearly endured enough , but aibu to be slightly disappointed for future threads !

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