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To think lateness is the rudest thing?

(359 Posts)
slatternlymother Mon 25-Feb-13 15:23:54

It says 'my time is more valuable than yours'.

I just don't understand this attitude where it is ok to be late. It's so flakey! And yet it seems that so many people think it's alright.

I feel like there's this perception that it's a little bit cool, and if you pick someone up for it, then you need to 'relax'.

Well, it's bloody not alright. It is RUDE.

Grr.

WorriedTeenMum Fri 08-Mar-13 13:50:55

QuickLookBusy - the problem I feel now is that DPiL are elderly and DH & I dont really want to upset them. We were more strict about timekeeping when DCs were small.

Now we minimise the times when we are exposed to their tardiness. Sadly this means that we limit the times we visit them and they visit us. If they phone to say they expect to be in the area on such and such a day we will only say we will be in if we will be able to deal with them saying they will arrive mid afternoon but in fact arrive early evening.

They want to be able to just pop in but we have had to make it clear that we need notice as they dont just arrive late they then wont leave!

Ledkr Spain Fri 08-Mar-13 08:43:36

I don't pander to them anymore we just get in with our day. I've toughened up since we last visited them arrived around two after long car journey and didn't get offered food until I asked for the dc and then had nothing suitable for toddler at all. Fuming. I had to walk to the shops.
We were going skating at Xmas and they faffed about do much that we were running out if time so I zoomed off with dd1 and left them to it.

QuickLookBusy Fri 08-Mar-13 08:34:37

Why are so many people pandering to late PIL? I really don't get it. Yes wait for someone for say 20 mins, phone them/tell them you are going ahead with plans anyway. They will either start arriving on time or continue being late- but you and your young dc will not be inconvenienced.

My PIL are always late, up to an hour, it didn't bother me until we had dc. Then we started to just get on with our plans. I wouldn't make a young child wait for 2 hours for their lunch/a piece of birthday cake.
I also used to make sure DDs had eaten something before we went to their house for meals because I knew we would be kept waiting way beyond their meal times.

Ledkr Spain Fri 08-Mar-13 07:51:36

We have a weekend holiday with late pils which will probably result in some extreme annoyance on my part. We have the two dds one of whom is 2 and needs a regular bedtime or wakes all night and is an early riser.
Pil bil sil and their dps are notorious at being late for everything so it will probably be midday before anyone is ready to go out and if we've been up since dawn I will not be waiting.
They just don't seem to care. At a close family wedding they had tea and biscuits before going to the reception and missed the photographs. I was really shocked.
If they come to stay they are often two to three hrs late which causes all sorts of problems as one of us needs to be here to let them in.
Even the grandparents moan about them but I've seen them they make no effort to be on time eg have to eat shower drink tea etc rather than put themselves out to be on time.
A huge problem for us is their reluctance to leave after a visit so for example a weekend visit can result in them not leaving until 7.30 Sunday which is so annoying a when we are trying to get ready for the week ahead. I wonder if overstaying is in the same vein as lateness.

Thumbwitch Fri 08-Mar-13 01:23:20

Curryeater - absolutely correct to have NOT cut the cake at that time. MIL's loss. NO point in her having a huff - she should have bloody well turned up earlier!

WorriedTeenMum Thu 07-Mar-13 19:03:20

You have my sympathies curryeater. The whole idea that 4pm actually means 4pm seems to pass some UP by. Some actually see this as a sort of silly affectation. They live by cottonwool time and happily ignore that others, for many reasons, need to be more structured.

My DPiL have got progressively worse over the years. As they and then their friends have retired they have forgotten the need to have things done within a fixed time. If they get up late then they simply time shift their whole day back couple of hours and then start running late even on the revised timetable.

Funnily enough DM has actually got better. The problems of old age mean that she has to take medication to a precise timetable. This makes her much more attached to alarms going off to remind her to take this or that. So long as we fit in with the medication timetable (which of course we do) then there is no problem!

DontmindifIdo Thu 07-Mar-13 16:09:03

You were wrong - you should have called MIL at 4:15 to find out where she was, if you got voicemail, left a message saying you are doing cake and candles at 4:30pm. Then done cake and candles without her. "UP will only learn to modify their behaviour if they miss out on things" is the general concensus of this thread.

Next year, tell her you are lighting them at exactly 4pm. She misses it, she misses it. Make sure you tell your DH that you are doing things at set times and he should check his mother knows when those are, then go ahead and do them at set times with a breezy, "it's such a shame your mum wasn't able to make it, I wonder why she didn't call to say she wasn't coming?" (if she then turns up 1hour 45 minutes later you can look all surprised that "gosh, I thought you'd be here nearly 2 hours ago! We just assumed you weren't coming." - keep it up, she'll either learn to be on time or at least call you to get you to delay.)

curryeater Thu 07-Mar-13 15:16:40

AGH I shouldn't be on mn, but for some reason I have blanked out MIL's consistent and appalling lateness up to now, and now I can't resist coming on here and ranting about it.

Day before DP's birthday - was going to be quiet one, just us - MIL invites herself over - ok, fair enough, she is his mum, tell her "great! come for birthday cake at about 4"
Next day: make DP's birthday cake with small children. They are dying to do the candles (and eat it obv). It cools, we ice it, they go mad with anticipation.
No MIL.
No MIL.
No MIL.
Children whine.
Give children bits of cucumber and apple.
Children whine. put on Peppa Pig
No MIL.
Quarter to 6 - MIL shows up. Can't serve cake to small children at this time, so invite MIL to dinner so that we can all have cake and candles after dinner.
MIL accepts. I go into kitchen to scare up a bit of extra food.
Message arrives with me in kitchen 5 minutes later that MIL is not hungry and will not stay to dinner after all.
Come out of kitchen to find MIL rather huffily gathering her things and giving off appearance of being disappointed not to be offered cake.
We wave her off happily and go and have dinner and cake.

Who was right? Who was wrong?
Anyone who thinks I should have served cake at 5.45, to un-dinnered small children, to please MIL, you and I will have WORDS

DontmindifIdo Wed 06-Mar-13 21:21:29

MrsSonky - Why didn't you just go ahead without him? It's not like the father of the groom has to say anything or have any ceremonial role. See, sometimes the big problem with UP is other people fit round them rather than make them miss out.

Titchyboomboom Wed 06-Mar-13 13:36:43

Sil always up to an hour late so we now tell her a different time!! Ha ha .. The fact that it is EVERY time makes me grrrrrrrr

Thumbwitch Wed 06-Mar-13 13:23:03

sad

LaQueen Wed 06-Mar-13 13:19:21

Thumb Oh, her standards are so low, you have to dig down to find them...

LaQueen Wed 06-Mar-13 13:18:08

Mrs my MIL always tries to 'laugh it off' - but really, she's just frantically trying to save face. Because, if she admitted how angry/upset his behaviour made her, then people would (quite naturally) question why she doesn't actually do something about it.

She knows that she has absolutely no power over FIL, because he doesn't care what she thinks/feels - and, so pretends that she's okay with what he does.

Very, very sad, actually.

MrsSonky Wed 06-Mar-13 13:06:06

My DFIL kept everyone waiting for an hour for the wedding breakfast (my wedding). He'd buggered off after the ceremony, drinks and nibbles to watch the cricket. DH was furious. MIL laughed it off...

rainbow2000 Wed 06-Mar-13 10:57:15

My friend is like this if you agree to meet at 7 she only leaves her house at 7.
I told her the last time i wouldnt wait for her and funny enough i havent heard from her since.
Her loss really.But people who are constantly late really irk me.They have absolutley no respect for the people left waititng

Thumbwitch Wed 06-Mar-13 10:24:08

LaQ - I like your style! grin
Your MIL must have had a REALLY low bar set for her as to what constituted a good DH then, if those are her criteria. hmm

Quicklookbusy - sorry to hear about your loss - tragically avoidable. sad

QuickLookBusy Wed 06-Mar-13 09:03:44

lisi I would refuse to let myself and dc be in a car when you know the driver will drive too fast. A speeding ticket may be the least of your problems.

We have recently lost someone very close to us due to a speeding driver. She was 17 years old, such a waste of a life. All for the sake of trying to get somewhere a little bit quicker. It honestly is not worth itsad

Can't you insist on driving if you know he will speed?

LaQueen Wed 06-Mar-13 08:25:11

lisi I feel your pain.

DH will announce 'Right, are we going then...?' and so the DDs and I dutifully go and get our coats and shoes on, and stand by the back door. 5 mins later, I go to find DH and he still gazing intently at his lap-top, feet up on the sofa hmm

Then, there's the whole big, buzzy, huffy, faffing about...and, I spend the car journey, feeling stressed and resentful.

Ironically, this behaviour has been much improved, since I recently just calmly ushered the DDs into the car, and we drove off...5 minutes later DH rings my mobile 'Where are you all?'

I was incredibly restrained, refused to get arsey, just explained sweetly that we'd all been too hungry to wait for him, and thought it would be okay for him to follwo on behind, as clearly his lap-topping was really imperative.

LaQueen Wed 06-Mar-13 08:20:14

Thumb I know...I suffered for the first hour, then the second hour comprised of DH and I having a heated, whispered argument, with me threatening to go...

When I finally left, MIL started crying FFS, and trying to make me feel guilty for spoiling the party. WTAF hmm

MIL is pathologically afraid of any confrontation, and utterly refuses to confront FIL in anyway.

Her last 2 birthday dinners, have been accompanied by FIL arriving late to the restuarant (he was drinking in pub next door)...and then him buggering off, after the starter. I shit you not hmm

It's one of the weirdest, screwed up, dysfunctional marriages you're ever likely to witness. But MIL insists FIL is a good DH, because he has never raised his hand to her, and he's always paid the mortgage on time...

lisianthus Wed 06-Mar-13 03:13:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thumbwitch Wed 06-Mar-13 01:29:15

LaQ - I'm actually surprised you lasted 2h. I'd have been into the food after 1, and if I got told not to, been gone at that point. But I appreciate that you've had to put up with FIL's shit for some time. Your MIL is insane to collude with him in his unreasonableness - if he wants to be late for dinner/food/party, his problem - but DO NOT make every other guest fucking suffer for it! shock His manners might be bad, but hers are atrocious!

webweaverToo Wed 06-Mar-13 01:06:11

In the dim and distant past (aka my selfish youth) I was a chronic UP. Awful. Completely awful. Turned up late to everything, rushed in late to lectures at Uni every single day, made my friends wait for me all over the place - you know the story.

One day I kept my best friend waiting for me in town for a full hour and a half before finally strolling in, expecting to be forgiven as usual (in fact I don't think I even saw it as an offence that one needed to be forgiven for!).

Only this time she didn't forgive - she absolutely laid into me instead. She told me how incredibly selfish and self-centered I was being, and asked me why I thought my time was more valuable than hers. How dare I waste an hour and a half of her time while I faffed around doing whatever it was I was doing, when she could have been doing something useful instead of standing outside in the cold waiting for me.

It was something of a revelation (I told you I was selfish and thoughtless in those days) - and it did the trick. Now I'm almost always early or on-time, very rarely late (and extremely stressed out by the thought of being late) and it really pisses me off when people are late and make me wait.

I think it's rude, selfish and thoughtless to be late on a regular basis, and I agree with many posters who've said that what it says to the person waiting for you is that "my time is more important than your time". Certainly, as a reformed UP myself, I know that this was true for me.

Ah, shame I missed it today Puke - friend's birthday lunch instead smile

LaQueen Tue 05-Mar-13 19:42:59

Maisie actually, basically FIL just didn't want to be there, one bit. He is not remotely bothered about Family Get Togethers, never has been.

He didn't want to be there. I knew he wouldn't want to be there. More fool MIL for trying to delude herself, for the 1001 time, that she was married to a normal, reasonable, fucntioning husband - and more fool DH and his siblings, for colluding in her foolishness.

LaQueen Tue 05-Mar-13 19:40:38

"What makes people so fucking rude awkward?

Buxton well, I suspect they are an only child, growing up totally doted on and pandered to, by their Mum...who then goes on to marry someone who is a complete doormat, who carries on pandering to them for the next 45 years...

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