to be furious with my pil and to think its up to me. to discipline my children

(118 Posts)
chocoholic05 Mon 25-Feb-13 14:32:25

Yesterday afternoon my pil came round. Ds1 was playing up and I removed him from the room when he came back in he became aggressive towards his brother again. This happened a number of times he's normally a good boy but yesterday he was not he's 7. To cut along story short after ds hit his brother again fil got hold of him pulled his trousers and pants down and was about to smack him! I screamed (extremely unlike me) no fil he's my child and you don't touch him!!! He then made out he wasn't really going to do it and mil then said its a pity you don't smack him he'd probably be a lot better behaved! Sooo angry shaking now just thinking about yesterday!

ENormaSnob Mon 25-Feb-13 17:34:41

Yanbu

I would be furious.

CloudsAndTrees Mon 25-Feb-13 17:41:58

YANBU.

What is your DHs reaction?

chocoholic05 Mon 25-Feb-13 17:50:28

Thanks everyone! I'm not totally new to mums net I left ages ago and have now come back! I do admit I wasn't totally ontop of things at that particular moment in time. My dc were with my dh and pil. I had stepped into the kitchen feeling like I was possibly the worlds worst mummy! sad It whilst in the kitchen that I heard everything start again so I went into the room and everything happened as. I previously described! Dh then took ds away from pil. I think mil comment about its a pity I don't smack him etc that upset me too!!

MIL is justifying her treatment of your DH, and projecting that on to you. Tell her to go fuck herself Ignore it.

YWNBU. I would have Gone Fucking Apeshit.

anonymosity Mon 25-Feb-13 19:12:16

Well you could always ask the MIL if she'd like a smack too smile

chocoholic05 Mon 25-Feb-13 20:43:01

So its almost unanimous then! Yes they do babysat sometimes and have taken them out for the day in the past. However after yesterday I really don't know anymore! sad

TimothyClaypoleLover Mon 25-Feb-13 21:38:04

OP, I would be telling inlaws they will not be babysitting or taking the kids out for the day if they ever try to do anything like that again. Does your DH feel the same?

chocoholic05 Mon 25-Feb-13 21:44:20

Yes he does

That's good.

DH knows that if PIL ever lay hands on the DCs they will not be seeing them again. Fortunately, although they disagree with us, they eye roll rather than undermining.

TimothyClaypoleLover Mon 25-Feb-13 21:50:59

Oh good, at least you can present an united front to them.

Goldmandra Mon 25-Feb-13 21:52:13

I think you and your DH need to have a calm conversation with them about this away from the children.

You need to explain that you would never accept anyone raising their hand to your child ever, pants down or not. They need to understand that your parenting decisions may not be the same as theirs but they are perfectly valid and must be respected.

You know the history of this relationship. If you think they will respect your wishes when they are expressed very clearly in this way there is no reason not to leave them in charge of your DCs again. Your DS will report back to you if anything else happens.

You can also tell them that you have told your DS that if anyone tries to take his pants down without his permission he is allowed to fight in any way he likes to stop them.

If you have reason to think they will disregard your wishes because they believe they know better, you would be very reasonable to say they can only see them with you around to protect them in future.

FabulousFreaks Mon 25-Feb-13 21:54:19

Awful, I really think I would not let them in my house again and I would struggle to let them have my dc on their own if that happened to me.

chocoholic05 Mon 25-Feb-13 21:59:07

Good advice thanks! I haven't explained to ds but I will. He's been off school today with a poorly ear he's so miserable with it bless him. Does kind of explain his behavior yesterday sad

Greensleeves Mon 25-Feb-13 22:02:02

Have you asked your sons whether this has ever happened before?

I would have been absolutely livid. Beyond livid. Fucking arsehole.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 25-Feb-13 22:04:36

What does dh say about it?

chocoholic05 Tue 26-Feb-13 07:31:37

Dh agrees with me and he said that's why he took ds out of the room. He said what his dad did was completely out of order.

MrsMushroom Tue 26-Feb-13 07:54:09

I'd have pulled his fucking pants down and smacked HIS arse. Bit nasty bully. OP for me that is tantamount to assault...he pulled your sons trousers down. NOT ok. People like his need to learn the hard way. I would not let DS be alone with him.

Jelly15 Tue 26-Feb-13 08:03:42

I would have thrown them out of my house and told them they were lucky I didn;t call the police and report them. My SIL threatened my DS when he was roughly the same age. I told my son in front of her that she won't because it is against the law to spack a child and I wouldn't let her in the house again. This started a big row with all my ILs but they never raised a hand but then i never left them alone with my DSs. DH was hit regularl;y as a child angry

BirdyArms Tue 26-Feb-13 08:16:04

I can totally imagine the whole of your scenario happening in my house with my father in your FIL's role. My dad thinks that I am not strict enough with 7yo ds1 and has treated him roughly, though not smacked him, in the past. He used to smack me occasionally as a child and sees it as a completely normal part of parenting. I do not agree.

I think that you reacted completely appropriately. I definitely wouldn't be banning him from the house though and I wouldn't have any worries about your son being alone with him for short times. I'm sure it's very unlikely that your son would misbehave to such an extent when he was left with his grandparents. Your FIL's behaviour was pretty normal in the 70's and I don't think it's necessarily an indication that he is a violent man. You have told him quite clearly that it isn't acceptable to you and I would expect that he had taken that on board. It would be a shame to spoil your son's relationship with his grandparents. However I maybe would think twice about leaving them together for a long time though eg if you went away for more than a night. I would try to discuss it calmly with your PIL and tell them that under no circumstances may they smack your children.

13Iggis Tue 26-Feb-13 08:24:45

I don't believe in smacking (disclaimer) but not sure how what fil did was actually agaisnt the law? I thought only illegal if caused a mark etc. Has law changed?

flatbread Tue 26-Feb-13 08:39:27

He's been off school today with a poorly ear he's so miserable with it bless him. Does kind of explain his behavior yesterday

That doesn't excuse hitting a younger sibling. I had an older sibling hit me frequently when we were younger. And it is terrifying

A timeout is clearly not working. Yes, your fil overstepped the boundaries. But you need to deal with this much more seriously. If your ds hit his young sibling twice in front of you, he must be doing it much more frequently in private. You need to have very strong sanctions that it does not happen again. Not a wishy-washy time-out, which is ok for small misdemeanours.

Jinsei Tue 26-Feb-13 08:46:55

Wow! I came on this thread ready to say yabu - it takes a village to raise a child and all that. But having read your op, yadnbu! What a cruel and humiliating way to treat a child!!

chocoholic05 Tue 26-Feb-13 09:13:50

I totally agree it may explain his behavior it does not in anyway excuse it and I am sorry if I gave the impression that I condone it in anyway I didn't/don't!

chocoholic05 Tue 26-Feb-13 09:16:44

Last comment referred back to flatbread comments btw!

chocoholic05 Tue 26-Feb-13 09:22:29

My pil had their children in the last sixties and early seventies and I suppose it was considered normal parenting then. But still not his place to behave like that with my ds!

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