To be ridiculously upset about dd not being able to take her place at private school

(169 Posts)
eminemmerdale Fri 22-Feb-13 23:41:06

DD(7) is super bright - I am not being a pfb mother, she is number 3 with two older siblings but she is stupidly clever. Because of this, we, on advice, put her in for an entrance exam for our super selective local prep school. It started off last summer when we went to the first open day, then did the interview with the head, taster day, pre-test and finally the entrance test. She was awarded a place - we were told she had done 'exceptionally well' and got one of not that many places. We had, from the start, said we would need a significant bursary, and applied - we fulfill all the criteria and were pretty much led to believe that we would get a good enough one. However, although we got what would probably be thought of as a lot of money off, we just couldn't match it (unless we stopped paying utility bills and eating!) I asked if it could be negotiated and they did do their best but clearly the funds weren't there - cue lovely e mails and calls from the head and deputy head, regetting that we couldn't take the place sad Her primary is one of the best in the city and I know that a few other children from her year have been offered places, which is great. However, I now find out that one of them has been offered and accepted a bursary, but the parents are laughing their heads off because the grandparents had offered to pay full fees but the parents kept that quiet! How is it fair that the money they are taking means that my dd can't take the place? If they had been honest and said grandparents would pay then dd could possibly go - how many more are doing this? I could (in fact, have) cry. It is fucking horrible.

amck5700 Fri 22-Feb-13 23:44:30

looking at it from another perspective, is that the kind of people that you would want her mixing with?

Is there not a limit on the bursary available to each child? I doubt that another child not taking a bursary would mean they would have given more to your child.

I received a scholarship based on my achievements despite my parents not applying for it and they would have been happy to pay for me.

Squeakygate Fri 22-Feb-13 23:45:10

Try not to link the two events and deal with the loss of our daughter's place in isolation.
If she is already at a great school, be grateful for that.

katrinefonsmark Fri 22-Feb-13 23:48:07

That's awful for you but I don't understand how your daughters place would be dependent on the other child not taking their bursary.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 22-Feb-13 23:48:08

Sorry you are upset, I hope your dd is ok.

I'm not sure I understand. How would your dd get to go to this school if the other child didn't accept a bursary? Do you think they would allocate all the available money to fewer children if less people applied for a bursary?

HollyBerryBush Fri 22-Feb-13 23:49:41

In reality there are X places no matter who pays for them. The children who have bursaries are, from your perspective, unfortunately brighter than your child, who is down the pecking order.

What you are actually jealous about is the fact that you child didnt get a place. If she were that 'super bright' they would have found a way to have her.

RedHelenB Fri 22-Feb-13 23:50:41

Yes but the grandparents aren't the ones whose income counts. I think YABU, you say she's at an excellent primary so I don't see why it is such a bad thing that she hasn't got a place. You could always apply again when she is approaching secondary age if private school is important to you.

DonderandBlitzen Fri 22-Feb-13 23:50:42

Why does them being given a bursary mean that your dd can't take her place?

The OP means that the school has limited resources. Say it had enough for 10 bursary places. If they only awarded 9, because only 9 dcs needed them then they could divide the 10th share amongst the 9 and thus all would get a bit more. I agree OP that this is pretty crappy. Not much to be done about it - but you could point out to the other parent that it's lovely they aren't stretching their resources but if they had been more honest about their funds then children such as your child might have benefited. Don't expect them to care though. They are clearly amoral. (because it is amoral to apply for funding when you don't need it)

Softlysoftly Fri 22-Feb-13 23:58:42

Dsis works at an independent school, their scholarships are 50% down to 10% dependent on the scores of the entrance tests, I think that's fairly standard.

In fact a lot of children and parents don't even know they are likely to get scholarship, they are just based on the test scores that the children take anyway therefore those parents were clearly willing to pay full price anyway iyswim.

It's likely that the child didn't apply for a bursary but was given one on test scores,the grading system means it would have no impact on your daughters place.

It is awful for you but I have to be honest you should have worked out your finances and the maximum funding available before jumping through the hoops and getting your, your daughters and the schools hopes up.

RedHelenB Fri 22-Feb-13 23:58:48

But they did need it din't they? And if they hadn't got it they may well have offered the bursary to another child.

CloudsAndTrees Sat 23-Feb-13 00:00:09

Wouldn't they be more likely to offer the 10th bursary to another child, rather than dividing it between the other nine though?

RedHelenB Sat 23-Feb-13 00:00:20

The consolation is OP that you have a super bright daughter & I'm sure with you to back her she will do well no matter what school she's at. Private schools are of most benefit to those who maybe aren't as bright.

whateveritakes Sat 23-Feb-13 00:01:27

HollyBerryBush Isn't it that the children with bursaries have families that are poorer than op. Therefore she is pissed off that their "family" isn't that poor. I agree with the poster who said do you really want to mix with people like this.

Op If you are that concerned there must be other schools? She is super bright - what are you worried about?

I agree Clouds that's what would have happened - but I can see why the OP may feel otherwise.

whateveritakes Sat 23-Feb-13 00:04:20

There is a difference between scholarship (clever) and bursary (poor but bright/family history/famous mum etc)

WorraLiberty Sat 23-Feb-13 00:05:25

Maybe they don't want to sponge off their parents?

I know I wouldn't want my parents paying for my choice of school for my kids.

I'd much prefer they enjoyed their savings/pension.

Fleecyslippers Sat 23-Feb-13 00:07:52

But surely you should have done the maths before you put her through the entrance exam ?

Pickles101 Sat 23-Feb-13 00:10:47

YABU for reasons others have stated above.

From another perspective, I am one of 3 daughters, one of whom was sent to private school for also being 'stupidly clever'. My other sibling & I still feel resentment to my mother over this - we were never worthy of that educational investment. But I'm the one with an Oxford degree grin

MrsKeithRichards Sat 23-Feb-13 00:13:04

Or asked super bright dd to have done the maths for you?

olgaga Sat 23-Feb-13 00:15:50

How is it fair that the money they are taking means that my dd can't take the place?

You do know, don't you, deep down, that this isn't necessarily or even likely to be the case?

You really will have to let this go, and remember you're luckier than most to have a really good state school for her to attend.

pollypandemonium Sat 23-Feb-13 00:25:35

As long as we have a segregated education system nothing will be fair. It will always be about who has most money and who is the pushiest.

frogspoon Sat 23-Feb-13 00:45:04

Bursaries can be anything from 10% reduction to 100%. You do not know how large a bursary this other family is getting, and you do not know if the grandparents may still be supplementing the remainder of the fees.

Ultimately it has been decided that a family of your income would benefit from a certain reduction in fees, but your family's outgoings mean you are unable to pay the remainder. Some families will take drastic measures e.g. second mortgage/ sell the car in order to make up the difference, however I assume you are not in a position to do this. I am also assuming that there are no other things you could cut back on to make up the difference.

I'm sorry, it's unfortunate. Take some consolation from the fact she is in a very good school, and doing well.

blindworm Sat 23-Feb-13 00:51:29

I would accept a bursary if it meant my parents didn't have to pay school fees.

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