To think haranguing someone for losing stuff is unconstructive

(29 Posts)
HilaryClinton Sun 17-Feb-13 17:06:53

I am a repeat offender loser: purse handbag scarves keys etc.
Today I lost my Xmas present watch itself a replacement of the previous lost one- although I said only to buy a very cheap one "that you won't mind getting lost".
Should I suck up "how could you lose your watch? Don't you know how to put it on? If you can't even look after a watch what am I supposed to think about how you look after the children?" etc. etc or Is it reasonable to feel hurt and that it is just a free harangue?

Btw, I'm going out and won't be back until late, do not running away

Bilbobagginstummy Sun 17-Feb-13 17:10:35

Love your username. grin

I think YABVU for losing stuff all the time. Why can't you look after it properly like the rest of us have to?

It's unconstructive to harangue you - far better to help YOU look for solutions. But I don't blame the other party for getting cross: people who do this are immensely aggravating.

MechanicalTheatre Sun 17-Feb-13 17:12:12

Who's gonna be haranguing you? Your partner?

I can see both sides. Haranguing is fucking annoying, but then losing things time and time again (especially presents) seems so thoughtless and like you don't care about the efforts other people have gone to.

I am ridiculously clumsy, I've wrecked four laptops and destroyed loads of mobile phones. It really upsets me and when I ruined my partner's laptop, he was upset but he was nice about it. Since then I've really tried to be more careful especially with other people's things.

I don't think that you can just say "well, I just lose things". Can't you try to be a bit less forgetful? I'm sure you don't forget to put your trousers on when you leave the house!

It would disappoint me that I couldn't buy you nice stuff but I wouldn't question your care of children over it.

I only buy nice stuff and take really, really good care of it as I hate buying replacements. So we're as different as chalk and cheese - any chance it's the same with your dh, so much so that he just doesn't understand you?

NeverWinsMNComps Sun 17-Feb-13 17:49:35

I'm another serial forgetter, OP. It drives my husband 'round the bend, but I constantly lose things.

It doesn't matter how much he nags me (and he does) because this is me trying to be less forgetful. If I wasn't trying, then I would quite possibly forget to put my trousers on when I left the house.

It may be something genetic. My mum (twice) reversed out of the garage after forgetting to open the door. She also forgot to shoo the cat off of the car before driving away.

It's definitely worse since getting married & having kids. I used to rely on a very strict routine (getting my stuff together in a certain order) and lots of lists to make sure I did everything and remembered everything. Now I'm constantly interrupted and distracted by outside influences, so I can never get myself together.

FeistyLass Sun 17-Feb-13 17:57:48

My dh 'loses' stuff all the time and it is frustrating. I'm guessing the children comment was about your dh trying to establish if you are forgetful all the time or just with stuff that you don't see as important. If you don't forget stuff with the children then it is about prioritising hence why it's even more frustrating! If you're forgetful with the children too then your dh will probably accept it's just the way you are. (Although it is still annoying for the partner who has to remember and find everything!)

HollyBerryBush Sun 17-Feb-13 17:58:43

Have you mislaid the children?

CloudsAndTrees Sun 17-Feb-13 18:01:24

If you are losing stuff that has been thoughtfully chosen and given to you, you should expect that person to feel quite hurt when you don't seem to give a shit about losing it.

Yes, you should suck it up. Or, you could learn to be a little more responsible.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Sun 17-Feb-13 18:01:58

I would be hurt if you hadn't tried to learn from identical previous mistakes and develop systems and self-checks that reduce the likelihood of "forgetting".

I would feel like you didn't care enough about the present I bought you to try and overcome a natural difficulty remembering.

If you were really upset and serious about trying to improve the situation I would forgive you quickly.

[DH used to do this all the time. What infuriated me most was him trying to present his difficulty remembering as an immutable characteristic we were all just going to have to suffer. He has made great progress, especially since DD was born, not in improving his memory but in developing habits that make him catch himself before he "forgets" another phone/wallet/appointment.]

andubelievedthat Sun 17-Feb-13 18:03:18

You are fine ,loosing stuff is perfectly o.k.it"s everybloodyperson else who are the problem,as i constantly point out it may not be lost ,merely misplaced and i may come accross it ,one day, and if it is forever lost wtf! moaning is not the way(unless the way to an early grave via high blood pressure etc..)

Oblomov Sun 17-Feb-13 18:12:41

I think it bothers people if you aren't trying. And that goes for anything. If you are genuinely trying , really hard, to do xxx/not do xxx/ be more careful about xxx, then thats' o.k.
But lets be honest, most of us , although we do try for a bit, then just get lazy about it.
Which is infuritating and shows a lack of respect.If you take the attitide of 'oh well this is just the way I am', then that could be even worse, seem as arrogance.

I think you need to try harder (as do we all)

rhondajean Sun 17-Feb-13 18:26:09

Well to be honest I would be furious as well.

You are an adult, no excuses, you should by and large be able to take responsibility for looking after your belongings.

Instead of complaining about him being annoyed, perhaps you should think more about how you could look after things better. Apart from anything else, losing things like keys and purses leaves you open to burgling and fraud.

Sorry to be harsh, but I really don't subscribe to this I can't help it thing. If your memory is really that bad, then there are techniques you can use to improve it.

rhondajean Sun 17-Feb-13 18:26:57

Burgling??? Burglary.

PrincessOfChina Sun 17-Feb-13 18:30:05

I think an adult constantly losing things, particularly things given to them as gifts, is a bit disrespectful tbh. I think you need to suck it up.

Theicingontop Sun 17-Feb-13 18:38:17

I break things, namely mobile phones and other devices. My butter fingers know no limits.

But if my OH told me he was questioning my ability to parent my own child because of it, I'd tell him to get a fucking grip. IT IS JUST STUFF. Material, unimportant stuff.

What a mean and unnecessary thing to say.

McNewPants2013 Sun 17-Feb-13 18:39:31

what have you tried to stop you losing things.

Seabright Sun 17-Feb-13 18:46:47

YABU, definately. It's right up there with people who "just can't help" being late. Yes you can, just pay attention to people and things around you. How can you possibly lose a watch? It's strapped on.

I'd be more than haranguing you, I'd be livid.

MrsKoala Sun 17-Feb-13 18:51:58

Dh is a loser too. What particularly drives me mad is the same routine, 'have you seen my keys' 'why aren't you helping me' 'you must have moved them' 'this is your fault because x,y and z'. You'd have thought he would realise if he has lost things for as long as he can remember the common denominator is him.

I have put things in place like a key hook, a wallet shelf etc, but he wont use them. Rather putting keys in random places with the intention of being able to remember. He also never checks the details of anything so turns up at wrong times and to wrong places. He even drove himself and pils to the wrong airport because he was convinced he knew which one it was without looking at the ticket.

Total nightmare.

He lost our wedding presents when we got married last month.

takeaway2 Sun 17-Feb-13 19:08:56

Dh is like that. Let's see... He's misplaced watches, wallets, didn't realise passport was expiring the week before we went away, pens (collects them - once in a whole he empties his coat pocket and literally has a dozen in them...). Mishandles his leather bag (throws them around, steps on them with muddy shoes...).

It really upsets me especially when two of these watches were bought him by my dad and they were v branded ones. 'Its somewhere....' hmm

Yfronts Sun 17-Feb-13 21:18:26

create a home for your purse/keys etc in the house.

I'm quite forgetful too but getting better with effort.

TheSeniorWrangler Sun 17-Feb-13 21:51:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoJo Mon 18-Feb-13 00:05:06

To be fair, if you lost your handbag whilst out with the children, presumably you would be left without car keys or fares for transport, without house keys, without mobile phone and without means to pay for any food/drinks they might need in between the loss occurring and you being able to resolve it, so I agree that it could be considered irresponsible parenting albeit just the potential for something to go wrong. Does he had to bail you out when you lose things? Presumably replacing lost items is an expense that comes out of your household budget? I would also feel pretty shit if someone demonstrated such lack of care for a gift I had given them that not only did they lose it, but then tried to make me out to be the bad guy for pointing out that they have been careless.

HilaryClinton Mon 18-Feb-13 07:31:16

OK. In my defense: I was wearing this watch when it (obviously) fell off without me noticing. It may have broken- the last one had the strap replaced three times before it broke again when I didn't notice.
I only buy the cheapest of things which get lost: hats gloves etc are always from charity shops (dh wears mohair scarf ). Mobile phone is cheapest vs iPhone 5 so in terms of money my net spend is still a fraction of his. I also have replacement systems so time/inconvenience to husband is zero.
Stuff is not lost within the house and husband would never help look If it was
We moved house 15 months ago and keys/purse haven't been lost since then. The keys are a constant worry to me, I check them constantly and it definitely brings joylessness to my life. I don't think it is something to choose.
I thought presents were given freely, if I had realized there are people for whom they were a little string to monitor and control my performance as a Non Loser of Things then I'd happily do without or get flowers that can safely be binned after a few days.

limitedperiodonly Mon 18-Feb-13 09:38:14

YANBU. Once you give a present it's not yours any more.

If you demanded expensive things he couldn't afford or put a lot of care into choosing then I can understand him being annoyed. But you don't do that.

I don't generally lose things because I check. It's my nature. DH loses or breaks stuff quite a lot because he's careless and clumsy and a bit of a fiddler. He doesn't get as attached to objects as I do, which is quite a good way to be, sometimes.

After a lot of rows at the beginning he's learned not to touch my stuff. As long as it happens to his belongings and not mine I don't care.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Mon 18-Feb-13 09:43:38

If you are making that sort of effort I would be momentarily angrysad when smething was lost but I would get over it very quickly and not hold it against you.

I would never hold a broken watch clasp against someone, that's not your fault at all.

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