To be upset that DH is off to NZ for his sisters wedding and I'm not.....

(108 Posts)
skyblue11 Sat 09-Feb-13 11:45:51

Up till yesterday his Mum and Dad were going, then we find out his selfish Mum decides not to go because she is afraid of being ill whilst there, so DH steps in and says he will go, at the moment his Dad will pay for his ticket only, or will try to change the name at the least. I'm upset on a couple of counts, his job and mine are at risk, so we haven't booked a family holiday for this year but I have saved a little, this will now be used as even if his ticket is paid for then there will of course be plenty of other things he has to pay for. I accept he has to go, why would he not it's too good an opportunity to not take up the holiday of a lifetime but as a family we're missing out on this event too so I find that sad, plus the fact any chance we had of a holiday is gone. I am annoyed at my MIL for she doesn't think of the knock on effect on everything and everyone least not his employers and the job situation.....

skyblue11 Sun 10-Feb-13 17:16:06

I also think to book business class at £3.5 K is obscene. That's a family holiday for us all for 2 weeks!

skyblue11 Sun 10-Feb-13 17:14:13

Y fronts, I like your idea about the 1/3rds...the Aunt is playing for a replacement ticket not us, we would just need his insurance, spends etc which could be expensive.

What I have saved wouldn't get us to NY it's only a few hundred and when I mentioned me and DD going on a trip he didn't like it but he has to choose doesn't he?

holidaysarenice....I never even thought of that one...but once the seat is booked with FIL and changed she can't change her mind then.

skyblue11 Sun 10-Feb-13 17:10:10

Dontmind....I agree with you entirely...I feel so sorry for SIL, I would move hell and high water to get to my own DD wedding one day. FIL will tell all she's ill simple as that. I really think she should go to GP.

When I found out how much the tickets were I was mortified. You see her father left his house to her and they told us years ago they would be spending all our inheritance and were going to have a good time, fair do's not something I'd do as I love my DD dearly but that's the kinda people they are.

Sparklyknicks...my SIL is devastated and yes my MIL is an oddbod, see the line above still sickens me at losing that money...

And...the dinner jacket is the least of my probs!

holidaysarenice Sun 10-Feb-13 14:20:14

Could this be a MIL ploy to get him there?

6 weeks before she decided not to go, your dh steps in, last minute MIL decides she will go....oh look she has all her family there!!! Exactly what she wanted??

Not many mums wud miss their dd's wedding! And most would want their ds there too. I would be a bit suspicious.

Yfronts Sun 10-Feb-13 14:13:07

Maybe he could have 1/3 of your money to go away with and you could take your DD away with 2/3rds?

Yfronts Sun 10-Feb-13 14:11:01

Originally I would have suggested that DH have MIL's ticket and enjoy the once in a life trip despite blowing family savings. You having a lovely hol when there was more money again. BUT seeing as the name on the ticket couldn't be changed, there is no way you could/should spend 3.5k/1k on flights. I think the IL's need to know that you can't afford the flights as you have only a very small amount saved for YOUR FAMILY holiday.

quoteunquote Sun 10-Feb-13 13:50:11

Sounds like a great opportunity trip to NZ don't come along very often, could you just be pleased for him?

Inertia Sun 10-Feb-13 12:48:25

I think Jeezy has the solution - tell DH it's fine, he can use the free ticket, and you will use the money you've saved to book a sunshine holiday with DD during the time he's away (will it stretch to NY? )

Can the name on the ticket really not be changed - or is it just that it would cost to change it ?

CSIJanner Sun 10-Feb-13 12:18:19

My husband bought a second hand tux in v good condition for £10 inc delivery from eBay for our wedding. Family manged to buy theirs from Moss Bros who wre selling off their ea-rental tux's for £15 all in. It can be done and he can still look good. Alternatively he can buy a black suit in the Sainsburys 20% sale when it's next on which he mix a tux shirt with and then use for interviews for later if that's any help. He does not need to go out and spend £150+ for a dinner jacket

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 10-Feb-13 11:57:32

Oh and I'm sure your dh has other endearing qualities and all that, but based on this thread I would cheerfully graze his heels with a shopping trolley! Not only is he behaving selfishly, but in a really irritating way!

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 10-Feb-13 11:54:52

So not only has mil made the trip on a yearly basis before, they had a cruise booked at the other end?

Either she has some sort of massive secret she's keeping, someone's pissed her off Big Time or she's a major oddbod.

Your dh should possibly be more worried about his mothers odd behaviour than his lost opportunity for a jaunt (which incidentally is mute if the tickets can't be altered. Have you pointed out you're not the airline and he doesn't have £3k so stop been a brat and blaming you?)

Has anyone got your sil's view on all of this?

Maryz Sun 10-Feb-13 11:52:48

I'm trying to imagine a scenario where one of my brothers was getting married in NZ and my parents flew out business class, rather than flying economy and giving us money towards the rest of us going.

I find it hard to imagine anyone being so selfish.

£7,000 would have bought tickets for the pil's, the op plus dh plus dd, and left enough over to have a lovely holiday for them all.

DontmindifIdo Sun 10-Feb-13 11:30:00

Oh and also point out how hurtful his mother's behaviour is to her DD - she's not going to her own daughters wedding overseas not because she can't afford it, not because she can't get the time off work, not because it's an unsafe part of the world or because she's not fit to fly - it's basically boils down to she doesn't fancy it. I do think if you are going to miss your own child's wedding you need a bloody good reason - and she doesn't. Has anyone pointed out to her that it's unlikely her DD will ever forgive this? How it will look to her DD's ILs? That the whole family will be thinking badly of her? Will FIL tell people the truth about why she's not there or will he be making stuff up to make her look a bit better?

Can you imagine how it would look if your DM just couldn't be bothered going to your wedding? I'd be so hurt.

Point this out to your DH, he seems so focussed on getting a free holiday out of this, he's not thinking about your DSIL and what's best for the whole family, which is surely to talk his DM out of her silly behaviour and on the flight, or at very least to try to get the money back for the poor person who she's let buy her a flight, spending £3.5k of their own money, when she'd no intention of going.

ZacharyQuack Sun 10-Feb-13 11:25:51

You can rent dinner jackets in NZ. Which is so not the point.

DontmindifIdo Sun 10-Feb-13 11:21:46

Oh and it's £50 to rent a dinner jacket. Why would he need to buy one?

DontmindifIdo Sun 10-Feb-13 11:21:18

I actually think you need to tell him you think he's being selfish, he's focussing on how to go himself, rather than thinking about his mother and his sister - surely his sister would rather his mother was there. If she's freaking out that she'll be ill there, and that panic is unfounded, then he should be trying to talk her round into going, explaining how good the healthcare is there, that she would be with family etc. Is it the flight she's worried about or that something bad will happen when she's there?

It seems he's accepted that it's normal for an otherwise healthy adult to just throw away £3.5k of someone else's money.

He needs to tell her she should at least have the decency to go to the GP to see if she can get a sick note to get the money back from the insurance (which would pay for all 3 of you to go economy class) or she and FIL pay back the Aunt who's money they are wasting because she won't just go to the GP for a 10 minute chat.

She's being unbelievably selfish - he needs to see it and say you will be very disappointed in him if he just enables this rather than point it out. (guessing this is where he got his "not thinking about the effects on the rest of the family" from)

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Sun 10-Feb-13 11:19:05

OP, this issue is a lot bigger than the dinner jacket of course, but asking on MN Local for your area or on netmums might get one he could buy, rent or borrow.

Whoknowswhocares Sun 10-Feb-13 11:13:13

Damn autocorrect 'yes, selfish pig' that should read! Not 'you' obviously!

Whoknowswhocares Sun 10-Feb-13 11:12:24

Actually I think I might already know the answer to my question. He didn't give a toss about spending the entire pool of funds on just him at the Olympics, did he? He blocked your attempts to book what was important to you ( holiday) without a care
You, selfish pig it is then sad

QuickLookBusy Sun 10-Feb-13 11:08:50

Agree with Who

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Sun 10-Feb-13 11:08:39

Same as Stanley - if the name can't be changed you are in the same position as before this question came up - none of you can go...

... Actually, if you took DH's name, you might have more chance as you and MIL are both Mrs X (not serious. Well, not very.)

Whoknowswhocares Sun 10-Feb-13 11:02:08

Is he generally this much of a selfish pig, op? Or is it the PIL pulling the strings this time?

StanleyLambchop Sun 10-Feb-13 11:00:23

Sorry if I am being thick but- your DH now cannot go as the name on the ticket cannot be changed, but he is claiming he is not going as some sort of favour to you as you would not be happy about it? So he is using the fact that he can't go anyway to lay the guilt on you? Nice. Second the person who said he has inherited his parents selfish gene.

JeezyOrangePips Sun 10-Feb-13 10:57:21

For me it's simple. You saved the money - so use it to book a holiday for you and your child for the dates your dh will be away. He can fund his own trip!

snowtimelikethepresent Sun 10-Feb-13 10:53:12

DH said yesterday that if he went I would go on about it

well Skyblue judging by what you have said here I think he might have a point BUT....you would be justified in going on about it; it's a big thing. Let him make his own decision but then you really must have a serious talk about exactly why you are mithered )lords knows you have enough reason!)

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