To been furious to the point of throwing him dh out!

(74 Posts)
Altinkum Sat 09-Feb-13 10:24:14

Ds1 nearly 7 is constantly hitting his brother and antagonising him, constantly winding him up, can't see him with toys, etc...

Now ds2 (3.5yrs) is not a angel child he has his moments, but nowhere near what ds1 subjects him too.

Both boys are well behaved to everyone else, expect each other.

Today within minutes of waking up, ds1 hit ds2 on his willy, kicked him!! So I put him on time out. Ds1 then complains he couldn't eat his sausage sandwich as itnkepy falling out the roll, so ds2 thinks he can help, but got nowhere near and ds1 swings at him sending ds2 juice cup to go flying and hurting his finger in the process.

This is just this morning, this happen several times a day, not to mention then constant fighting, winding each other up etc...

Dh believes it all ds2 fault as in his eyes ds1 his his blue eyes boy, ds2 has been called all sorts by dh and today ive had enough.

We both have regular arguments, as dh constantly undermines me infront of both DC, saying mummy is wrong, daddy is the best etc...

Ds plays Saturday league football, after the juice cup incident I told ds he can't go to football which he loves as nothing we are doing changing is behaviour. Dh sat and said nothing, then 5 mins before normal time to leave he tells ds to go and get his kit on, and that mummy is wrong, and its unfair and he will be letting the team down.

So they've left, I asked dh yesterday to take ds2 to the match, and he said no as its too cold and he's a pain in the arse, and he can't watch ds2 while supporting ds1.

Then as they were leaving he said he'd take ds2, I've said no as he's only taking him now asbhenhas a guilty conscious. So now I'm left with a upset 3 year old.

Now I don't know if I am over protective of ds2, as we are constantly told how much hard work he is, what a pain in the arse he is, his grandparents will take ds1, and not even think of taking ds2, but will take my newphew, and ds is left out yet again, but apparently I'm just supposed to sit back, as according to dh he's a pain in the arse.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 10-Feb-13 09:03:08

The OP knows she needs to work as a team with her DH. He isn't willing to at the moment

What strikes me is that right when this happened, you were divided as a family. DS1 might have regarded goingnaway with his dad as a treat. OTOH he must have been very very confused that his brother was seriously ill and he is not with him, or his mother. He may have felt punished.

OP i am so sorry you are bearing the brunt of this. I reiterate the family therapy idea. If you are to split up with your DH, this would still be necessary.

frustratedworkingmum Sat 09-Feb-13 23:17:18

You need to sort this out one way or the other, the damage you are both doing to your boys will be profound, their self esteem will be smashed sad

You asked him to leave, he has left, he is just playing the childish, "i;ll show her" game that you were playing when you asked him to leave - you didn't think he would, he has. I recognise alot of my own behaviours in this post which is why i am being a bit harsh on you because seeing how damaging it is to have warring parents is on your DC really makes me think twice about doing it myself.

It might be for the best that he has gone - your DH sounds vile, how can he speak so disparagingly about his son?

IdreamofFairies Sat 09-Feb-13 23:16:05

i agree this cant continue as both boys are being damaged emotionally.

any negative comment about a child is extremely damaging and should never ever be said in the child's hearing i cannot stress this enough.

you mentioned positive parenting can you elaborate as the only thing you mentioned was you praise them every hour which is no where near enough. the balance of attention suggest at the very least a child should be praised 5 times as much as any negative comment they recieve.

you also mention operating a three strike method does this include hitting out at each other as i would in these circumstances suggest a one strike policy.

if your oh comes back one of the things you could suggest to him is offering a reward system for good behavior as discipline is a negative rather than a positive. this is something you should do anyway.

star charts can work really well google them for some fab ideas.

you offer a reward for behavior you want such as getting through a dinner in peace then reward it with something as simple as picking a pudding, a special story, one to one time on a game, extra time on a game the list is endless. this will mean that the children will learn very quickly that life is better if you follow the rules such as not hitting each other, pushing shouting etc.

if you stick to it and improve the numbers of times you praise it will dramatically improve both boys behavior. not over night of course but it will happen.

So sorry you're going through this alt x

ilovesooty Sat 09-Feb-13 23:03:47

I agree with quoteunquote

You don't seem to have any clear strategy here. You're understandably distressed but though you say your husband won't engage, won't go to counselling etc, you don't sound sound keen to face up to the fact that you might need professional help either. At the very least you do need a united front on working on your marriage and with your children and the damaging situation could well benefit from professional, trained involvement.

quoteunquote Sat 09-Feb-13 22:58:44

To be honest OP, unless you completely change what you are doing you are totally stuffed.

In a very short space of time that seven year old is going to be bigger than you, and you will be on the receiving end of his frustration, followed by his brother.

your children need to be kind to each other, you need to parent as a team, because you will end up with boys doing things that mean you are not able to help them,

work out a plan, sit down with your husband ask if he wants to join you, ask if he has worked out a plan, if not get on with it on your own, and don't let him distract you, time is ticking, you have a relatively short time to solve this.

sorry to be harsh, but it will be far harsher if you don't address it.

Andro Sat 09-Feb-13 22:47:10

X-post, I wouldn't be accepting a shrug as an answer...I would be working to find out what the shrug meant (I don't know, I don't want to talk about it, I don't care, I don't like him) and them exploring it further.

Andro Sat 09-Feb-13 22:44:09

It's almost sounding as if a 'ds1 = daddies boy, ds2 = mummies boy' line had been drawn in his mind...or he's worked out that he can get at you by targeting ds2.

I think there needs to be a LOT more communicating - between you and DS and just as importantly for everyone's sake, between you and your DH (once you've both had some time out space).

Maybe contact relate or something? Even if your DH isn't interested you may still find it useful.

ilovesooty Sat 09-Feb-13 22:43:39

If your elder son is violent towards his brother and can't say why he doesn't sound "placid" to me.

Altinkum Sat 09-Feb-13 22:41:03

I asked ds why he hits his brother, he just shrugged his shoulders.

I've explained that their behaviour towards each other can't continue, and that a 3 strike punishment will be given.

Altinkum Sat 09-Feb-13 22:36:32

Ds1 got loads of support, dh took him to a already planned 2 week holiday abroad, in which they spent one to one quality time, while I stayed in the ITC ward with ds2. We also got him immediate counselling and made sure he could come to us anytime , in which he did. His play therapist signed him off 5 months later as ds1 wasn't affected by the accident, other than to witness it, dh1 was never left alone, he always had one of us at home with him, and on a Saturday, GP would go in to the hospital and me and dh would spend quality time with ds1.

Ds1 routine hardly changed tbh, Ashe was at school during the day and on the night time he had one if us at home. At the time I worked evening/nights so he probarly got to spend more time with both of us.

Ds2 allergies don't interfere at all with ds1, at all. And even if they did dc1 wouldn't eat his food anyway.

I'm not testing dh at all, I need/want to know on how/where we go from here, how we resolve this, I need him to communicate with me, if he does none of this we can't move forward, in dont see this as testing him, I see this as getting things in motion to move our marriage out if the black hole its in.

He hasn't texted me, I thought he would have done, and now I'm sat thinking he's done something silly.

My boys are my priority, hence all if this.

pooka Sat 09-Feb-13 22:34:35

He's only THREE! My DS1 is 7 and DS2 is 3. I would be terribly upset if DH were showing signs of preferring one over the other. And I would also be upset if DS1 were unkind to DS2, and didn't at least try and tolerate his three-ness, just as I endeavour to ensure that DS2 isn't irritating DS1.

Your DH's attitude is harmful. He is undermining you and showing favouritism.

ilovesooty Sat 09-Feb-13 22:33:34

I would also say that family therapy might well be beneficial to you all and I don't see how you're going to make the family dynamics more healthy without it.

Dh won't go to some wacky counselling

Were those his words or are they yours?

Sounds like a crisis point. I'm sorry you are going through this. Having said that, the only way things are going to change is to hit a wall where the current situation just can't carry on. Stay firm, stay strong in defending your family and its happiness. If only he would agree to talk, I genuinely believe you need the space a therapist could help you create to communicate with each other.

Andro Sat 09-Feb-13 22:05:15

OP, I'm seriously not trying to cause a storm here, but i do have questions:

How much quality time did ds1 receive during the time ds2 was injured and needing treatment? If there was a significant deterioration in behaviour around this time then there's a good chance that resentment has played a part.

Have any in-house restrictions been placed on ds1 because of ds2's allergies? Again, this can be a source of resentment.

Have you tried to get ds1 to explain why he acts the way he does?

I hope you and your OH manage to work through this; is refusal to take ds 2 'because he couldn't look after him and support ds1' maks me wonder if he doesn't trust himself?

HestonsFatCock Sat 09-Feb-13 21:47:01

Altinkum, I just wanted to say, I said what I did not to put the boot in and I am sorry if it hurts. I am concerned for you and you family and I really hope things get better for you. My 4 year old DS 2 is a pain in the arse, but we don't say it in front of him, and love hime just as much as DS1, who is a PITA is his own way.

Good luck with it all.

HestonsFatCock Sat 09-Feb-13 21:39:25

Change the locks now he has gone, you are well shot of him. He isn't doing your children any good; favoritism hurts both children in the end, not just the "neglected" one. What is he bringing to the family emotionally? do you all have a laugh and a good time together? Is it a happy atmosphere most of the time? Because it needs to be.

If he is the person who poured petrol on a bonfire around his family, it might have been an accident, but he was very careless with something so precious as his family. That he hurt DS2 and now overlooks him, says to me he is blaming the victim of his own mistakes. DS2 will always be his whipping boy.
Sorry, to be so blunt, but you sound like one unhappy family and I have to ask: what is the point in continuing in this set up?

I appreciate it must have been a shock to you that he just walked out without saying anything but this could be for the best.

He is probably as shocked as you are that you actually told him to leave. Hopefully it's the kick up the arse he needs and he's sitting somewhere thinking about what he can do to help turn this around.

baskingseals Sat 09-Feb-13 21:11:15

he's probably as confused and upset about things as you are, op, and doesn't know what to do for the best.

perhaps this could be a watershed moment for your family.

diddl Sat 09-Feb-13 21:02:37

Why wouldn´t he leave if you´ve been arguing most of the day & you asked him to?

Doesn´t mean that he intends to stay away forever, does it?

Should he have told you to leave instead??

Altinkum Sat 09-Feb-13 20:52:06

I'm not ringing him, we need space.

Both DC are fine, both watching a DVD.

I may have asked him to leave, apple, I asked him to leave as a last resort, it doesn't mean I can't be shocked that he has actually left, rather than fight for us, speak to me, do something, anything.

sudaname Sat 09-Feb-13 20:37:59

I am sorry. Hopefully it is just a pride thing and he's calling your bluff. Try not to ring him or anything at least he knows how serious it is/ you are about resolving this.

You asked him to leave and he has. It sounds like some space and time to think is what you both need right now. This is a toxic situation for your family and can't continue.

diddl Sat 09-Feb-13 20:21:36

OP, you´ve asked him to leave & he has done!

Sounds as if you both need some time to calm down tbh.

It also sounds as if you are testing him in some way.

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