to ask for some persepective? ( long and about family)

(69 Posts)
lotsofboats Thu 07-Feb-13 11:00:17

I will try to keep the long story short, but I feel like I need to get this off my chest, I considered speaking to a counciller but then I thought you guys would be better smile
I have lived with my partner for 10 years and we have 4 young dc. Through various stages of our relationship we have wanted to marry. Each time met with horror from my parents. so we have put it on the back burner, done other things like mortgage etc with our money.
Anyway now we are both approaching 40 and desperatley want to get married. Nothing flash. Registry office followed by hall reception with a casual buffet. No speeches. (due to my Parents previous horror)

I spoke to my mother on the phone 3 days ago to say this was what we had decided. All fine on the phone. (too easy, I thought!)
Next day phone goes = Rant "why are you doing this to me?" You know I am ill. ( Hyperthyroid) I cant stand to have to be nice to people, Everyone will be staring at us, looking down on us etc etc. We wont come then you can do as you want.
Not content with that she phones back and tells me that she knows I wasnt at work the other afternoon when she babysat!? (I dont know were she thought I was) and that I am deceitful and have an evil party spirit. She tells me that she is heart broken that I am not the same person, and that I am wordly, and that she has tried and has now given up on me. I will always be part of their family and will never be anything different.

My dad then takes the phone to tell me it is pointless having a big wedding as we have had children and been together 10 years and we should go to gretna of just go to the registry office with just myself, partner and witnesses.. We dont really want this and feel this will upset my partners family. (who are normal)

I am swinging from furious to hurt to confused. I dont know what to do. I imagine we will have to call it off. The thought of having to explain this to our guests. Or am I being wicked to ask mum who isnt great, but equally not terrible to come to my wedding??
I havent spoken to them since. I have nothing to say. Help....

manicbmc Thu 07-Feb-13 11:03:59

What on earth have they got against you getting married? Very odd.

Arrange your wedding how you want. Invite your parents so they can't use that against you. And prepare yourself for them not to come.

Then kick back and have a lovely time with your soon-to-be dh.

EasilyBored Thu 07-Feb-13 11:04:11

I'm sorry, what? You want to get married to your long term partner, in a simple registry office do with a bash afterwards so everyone can celebrate, and your parents think you are evil and wrong for doing this? That is bizarre in the extreme. Get married, have a brilliant day. Invite your parents but if they don't want to be involved then it is their loss. Sorry they are treating you like this.

Tbh, it sounds like your parents need the councilling not you! Get married, have a great day and sucks to them. I don't understand why they don't want you to get married, sounds very odd. Of course you could just go abroad and get married on a beach somewhere hot and present them with a fait accomplice. Have a big party when you got back.

Nancy66 Thu 07-Feb-13 11:06:35

Don't call it off...

I would just go ahead with your plans and tell your parents that you hope they can make it but if they don't it's not the end of the world.

I suspect that the pandering to your mad mother over the years has fuelled her behaviour.

WingDefence Thu 07-Feb-13 11:06:55

Your parents sound very strange. You and your DFiance should have the wedding that you want and I'm sure it'll be a great day with and for your 4 DCs too.

Don't call it off - enjoy yourselves! If this is something you and your DP really want (and it sounds like it), your parents will always have some problem or other with it and will probably seek to ruin the day for you. Please don't let them.

nipersvest Thu 07-Feb-13 11:08:49

do you have any idea why your parents are so against you getting married?

momb Thu 07-Feb-13 11:08:57

Get married. Have the day you want and invite the people that you want to be there.
If you decide to invite your parents make it clear that if they don't want to come you will be disappointed but of course will support their decision,. Then think no more about it and have a lovely party!
Presumably you will have your children walking you down the aisle. or were you planning on your Father being part of the ceremnony?

Your Dp and your kids are what really matter. Not your parents who think it's ok to tell you you're eveil for wanting to get married shock. Go ahead with the wedding however you and your DP want it. Invite your parents but let them know if they don't want to come/don't agree with it that's fine.

KenLeeeeeee Thu 07-Feb-13 11:10:47

Get married, have an amazing time, don't invite your toxic and frankly bonkers parents.

I echo what has been said above. I would simply say - " right we are getting married because it means a lot to us, we would love you to be there, but if you don't feel able to come we understand.

If I were you I'd be hoping they didn't come because if they did it sounds like they would be pulling cats bum faces all day.

Have a good old knees up with your DP's family and your kids and remember - we can't choose our parents.

porridgeLover Thu 07-Feb-13 11:11:49

It sounds as if there will never be a time that they will be supportive about your wedding.
Just go ahead with your plans.
Dont allow their drama before or on the day to interfere with anyone's enjoyment.

NigelMolesworth Thu 07-Feb-13 11:11:51

I think its lovely that you want to get married (congrats btw) but I think you hit the nail on the head when you said 'we are both approaching 40...'. You do NOT need your mother's permission to get married. In your post I am really struggling to find anything that your parents will react in horror to!

I would be tempted to say 'I'm sorry that you feel you can't come. What a shame' and go right ahead and organise it the way YOU both want. Go on, be a devil and have speeches too if that's what you want. Explain to your PIL - they might well be very supportive and help you through it. But for goodness sake DON't call it off.

Sorry, am not in the mood to pander to mothers behaving like toddlers.

Good luck smile

FellatioNels0n Thu 07-Feb-13 11:13:48

Am I right in thinking there is a cultural aspect to this? Have you lived in sin with someone from another religion/culture and your parents can't quite bring themselves to publicly celebrate a ceremony that makes it official?

AllThatGlistens Thu 07-Feb-13 11:14:36

How strange! I'm sorry but I don't understand what their issue with you being married is?

You absolutely do not have to cancel your wedding OP, and why on earth would you? This is about you and your DP wanting to marry, which is no concern of anyone else's, be they family members or not!

Put yourself and your own family wishes first, if your parents feel they cannot attend then so be it.

You are an adult. You are entitled to make your own choices and be happy.

Please don't let your parents ruin that for you sad

WileyRoadRunner Thu 07-Feb-13 11:14:43

lotsofboats is there any "reason" that your parents think you should not marry! Is there a culture clash or something that has not been explained to us as to why you would even think you are being unreasonable?

It is odd behaviour (from your parents).

You and your partner need to do what YOU want.

Good luck.

WTF confused

Go get married and have a fantastic day

I'm sorry but your parents sound bonkers. I don't think you should live your life according to what they want. It's not just about them, it's about you, your partner, your children, the rest of your family... Go ahead with your plans.

FellatioNels0n Thu 07-Feb-13 11:16:29

Either that or it's a situation like that series - what was it called? With Penny and um, um Paul Nicholas. Just Good Friends?

Her parents were middle class pillars of the community/Hyacinth Bouquet types, and his were loud, flashy Cockneys. grin

FellatioNels0n Thu 07-Feb-13 11:16:54

Vince. That was it. Penny and Vince. Are you Penny? grin

Hullygully Thu 07-Feb-13 11:18:41

what is an "evil party spirit" and being too "wordly" Are they religious?

nefertarii Thu 07-Feb-13 11:18:59

there has got to be more to this. Or they are bonkers and you should keep well away.

Mosman Thu 07-Feb-13 11:19:27

If I could go back in a time machine I'd run off and get married just the two of us, nobody actually wants to share your special day they just want a party, so have one when you come back married with your children, have a holiday too you'll save yourself a world of pain !

Mosman Thu 07-Feb-13 11:20:24

She sounds more like Vince - no offence OP grin

weegiemum Thu 07-Feb-13 11:22:27

Is there a religious element to this? Sounds bonkers. But your mothers choice of words sounds like the very fundy-type Christians I know!

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