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AIBU?

To wish they could tell me the gender of my baby but understand the reasons why?

92 replies

scottishegg · 05/02/2013 16:02

Hi all I have just had my 20 week scan with my 3rd pregnancy and would have quite liked to find out the gender just to prepare and plan in advance, I already have a boy and a girl and would have just liked to have found out the gender this time to give me a difference experience as I didnt find out with my other two.

Though due to hospital policy within the area I live (Shropshire) I cant find out the gender within a routine scan I will have to have one done privately and pay 45 pounds in order to do this though in the next county they are willing to give this information out free as part of the routine scans.

I appreciate that the reason they do this is to supposedly stop certain members of society terminating foetusus that arent the preferred gender which is tragic and abhorrent but I feel that if people really wanted to do this unfortunately they would just pay the £45 and have a private scan( though I admit it has put me off)

I suppose my issue is that different counties have different policies and selfishly I would have liked to have found out but havent the cash to do it.

I am not starting this thread to cause a bun fight or be controversial I promise.

I guess I shall have to wait to be surprised.

OP posts:

Report

Trills · 05/02/2013 16:03

How exactly could you be unreasonable, if you want something but understand why you can't have it? Isn't that the very definition of reasonableness?

iwantavuvezela · 05/02/2013 16:07

Or pay £45!
I think to ask the person to do the scan to have to try ascertain reasons for knowing the gender would be too onerous ...

CailinDana · 05/02/2013 16:08

YANBU.

They offer you screening tests, with the knowledge that 98% of parents who find that their child has a disorder (usually Down syndrome) will abort, yet they won't tell you the sex of the baby just in case you might possibly want to abort on that basis. So aborting for disability is fine but for gender is not. Tells you a lot about the value the NHS places on the life of a disabled child doesn't it?

Also, isn't there supposed to be an "abortion on demand" policy in the UK? Or is it "abortion on the condition that you're not doing it for gender"?

scottishegg · 05/02/2013 16:12

I actually didnt think of that Cailin but now I see it in a different light.

OP posts:

PrincessOfChina · 05/02/2013 16:23

YANBU. I'm constantly amazed by NHS inconsistencies. The service should either be offered everywhere, or not at all.

Trills · 05/02/2013 16:23

It's legal to abort for disability, not legal to abort based on the sex of the baby.

CailinDana · 05/02/2013 16:25

Trills - I didn't think you had to justify the reason for abortion?

Trills · 05/02/2013 16:25

There is not abortion on demand in the UK.

an abortion may be carried out if:
continuing with the pregnancy would involve a greater risk to the woman's life than ending the pregnancy
continuing with the pregnancy would involve a greater risk of injury to the woman's physical or mental health than ending the pregnancy
continuing with the pregnancy would involve a greater risk to the physical or mental health of any of the woman's existing children
there is a significant risk that if the child is born s/he would have a serious physical or mental disability

Trills · 05/02/2013 16:26

And two doctors must approve.

Personally I disagree with this and think that we should have abortion on a "because I don't want to be pregnant" basis up to 12 weeks or so, then have the current "requires a doctor to sign off" up to 24 weeks.

meditrina · 05/02/2013 16:29

The purpose of NHS scans is to examine the health if the baby. Unless there is a sex-linked condition in your family, then establishing sex isn't really required.

If some places do more than the medically necessary, then some people, are lucky. You would however have grounds for complaint if they were doing less then necessary and conditions which could be diagnosed prenatally were being missed.

CailinDana · 05/02/2013 16:30

Prior to that list that you put up Trills, it says this:

"As well as a woman deciding to have an abortion due to her personal circumstances, there are also a number of medical reasons why an abortion may be necessary."

So a woman deciding to have an abortion due to her "personal circumstances," ie not wanting to be pregnant, the reasons you listed are also included as medical causes for an abortion to be necessary.

DizzyZebra · 05/02/2013 16:30

Yanbu. I don't see the point of the hospital carrying this rule, when if you really wanted to know but not pay you could just use the hospital in the next area.

It should be the same rule evetywhere, one or the othet.

Moominsarescary · 05/02/2013 16:30

Was just going to put the same as trills however I think it's a silly rule, plenty of hospitals will now tell you the sex of the baby and it's so easy to pay for a gender scan that if someone wanted to terminate due to gender (and lie about their reasons) they could quite easily find out with or without help from the nhs

MisselthwaiteManor · 05/02/2013 16:31

I must be very sheltered because I'm absolutely stunned that people would abort based on gender, especially as far as 20 weeks. Does that actually happen?

CailinDana · 05/02/2013 16:34

Yes, YouHeard. An Indian friend of mine was told she couldn't be told the gender of her baby due to "people in her community" aborting. I was horrified but she agreed with it and said she was glad they did it as it does happen. I would have been pretty livid at being tarred with a certain brush due to my skin colour/accent but she didn't see it that way.

Trills · 05/02/2013 16:34

That's the intro fluff, the reasons I write down are what the law actually says.

In reality many doctors will write down "because I don't want a baby" as "risk to mental health of mother".

Moominsarescary · 05/02/2013 16:35

Not so much in this country, there was a documentary a few years ago about it but can't remember where it was. It was illegal to tell someone the sex of the baby due to people having late abortions based on gender

CloudsAndTrees · 05/02/2013 16:35

Caitlin makes an excellent point.

OP, when I had my ds I booked in to have my scan at the hospital in a neighbouring county because I wanted to find out the sex, then after I had done that I changed back to the original hospital that's 10 minutes away from my house. My community midwife fully supported me in doing this, even though I wasn't entirely comfortable with it. But if the NHS is going to impose ridiculous and inconsistent rules, then it follows that people will work their way round them.

YABU to understand the reason why they do this, I don't get it at all.

VinegarDrinker · 05/02/2013 16:35

There is a lot of confusion about the legality of abortion. We do NOT have "abortion on demand". So-called "social" abortions are done on the basis of potential risk to a woman's mental health as one of the criteria listed above. And two Drs must sign it off (like another poster I disagree with this). It is only legal up to 24 weeks.

Abortion for life-limiting or life-threatening disability can be done up until 40 weeks again with the agreement of 2 Drs.

ZolaBuddleia · 05/02/2013 16:37

Isn't it more to do with avoiding litigation if the patient is told the wrong sex?

VinegarDrinker · 05/02/2013 16:37

I agree there should be a national policy though. I work in probably the most ethnically diverse borough in London and our hospital's policy is to offer gender identification at the anomaly scan.

CailinDana · 05/02/2013 16:37

Would it happen often that a doctor would challenge a "social" abortion Vinegar? Or is it essentially the case that any woman who wants one can have one, as long as she's less than 24 weeks pregnant?

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Pobblewhohasnotoes · 05/02/2013 16:39

I must be very sheltered because I'm absolutely stunned that people would abort based on gender, especially as far as 20 weeks. Does that actually happen?

Yes. Hence the reason why some hospitals won't identify the gender. Baby girls aren't preferred in some cultures. It's very sad.

My hospital wouldn't identify the gender, only if we specifically asked for it to be done.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 05/02/2013 16:40

Are you sure its based on people terminating due to gender?

The hospital I had DS at used to tell people but then they got it wrong and someone attempted to sue them (didn't get very far) after that they flatly refused to tell anyone.

When I had DD1 (in a different hospital) they would tell people but we had to sign a disclaimer saying that we were aware it was only an educated guess and not certainty.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 05/02/2013 16:40

Isn't it more to do with avoiding litigation if the patient is told the wrong sex?

How and why on earth would you sue over that? It's never 100% accurate. Although boys are obviously easier to identify.

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