AIBU to be annoyed at DH for giving FIL photos of DC2

(149 Posts)
twitchycurtains Tue 05-Feb-13 15:57:50

Since DC2 was born FIL has been asking for photos of dc2 I have had every intention of giving him some photos just as soon as I recovered from the difficult birth (3rd degree tear/difficult recovery), moving house (still have a load of random boxes in the spare room) and a boisterous pre schooler who is currently driving me bonkers as I am unable to find a nursery place in the new area we have moved to.

FIL mentions the photos everytime he sees me, and every time I reassured him that just as soon as I manage to print some off and put in nice frames for him I will give him the photos. He always responds with some sarcastic witty remark. I am getting quite fed up of it because a) its not very high on my list of priorities (I don't have any pics of DC2 at my own house yet/haven't given pics to my parents) what with the whole having a baby/having a pre schooler/house move thing and b) they live 5 fucking minutes away by car and rarely visit, the only time FIL comes to see DC2 is when its DC1's bedtime, DC2 doesn't always like being held by FIL so will scream and DC1 will be climbing the walls because it being bedtime and being bloody knackered. I am sahm and therefore free during the day for vists but on the few occassions FIL has visited, its has
always been around bedtime for DC1.

I am sure that he cares about DC2 and DC1 but tbh they (him and mil) don't really show any interest unless it fits in with their schedules, they are much closer to their daughter's children who they provide extensive childcare for, so if I suggest they visit earlier they either don't come because it clashes with other kids school times or just end up coming the time they want anyway.

Recently, I managed to find the professional bounty ones that were taken at hospital (rip off prices but lovely pics), went out bought a frame, and gave it to him wrapped up, thinking that will be the end of it. But apparently the photo is no good as its not recent and DC2 doesn't look like that anymore.

DH has today gone and printed off some pics for his dad, even though he knows I am annoyed at constantly being reminded and that it was something I wanted to do on my terms and not because FIL nagged me death over it.

I am really fucking annoyed, at DH for spending over £20 printing large sized photos (we are supposed to be budgetingas I am not working/money tight etc) to give to his dad to keep him happy. Had a go at DH, he isn't talking to me now and has said he will put the photos in the bin. I am now at home with the kids wondering if I over reacted. Perfectly willing to accept I may be a tad hormonal and U.

lottiegarbanzo Tue 05-Feb-13 16:37:48

Hmm, You've had a lot on and you DID give him photos. It's not hard to print more off - but it's not hard for him either. Why couldn't he take his own, or print off some that you emailed?

He sounds rude and arsey and I don't think making demands then being sarcastic is on at all. He can ask, or mention they'd love some more recent pictures but should then wait until you respond, not nag.

Photos that go in normal picture frames cost about 20p, so your DH spending £20 is crazy and it's quite reasonable you'd be upset about that if money is tight.

So YANBU but about the money and the rudeness rather than your DH acting on this.

CaseyShraeger Tue 05-Feb-13 16:39:01

YABU. You are annoyed because your DH gave his father some recent pictures of DC2, three months after he'd asked for them, because you wanted to make him wait even longer to teach him a lesson for asking?

YAB even more U if your FIL has email and you could have emailed him a photo in seconds.

Paiviaso Tue 05-Feb-13 16:39:24

FIL sounds annoying but YABU. DH dealt with it and got FIL lots of photos so surely FIL will be off your back now smile

twitchycurtains Tue 05-Feb-13 16:40:55

Thanks for the overwhelming responses, I accept I am being unreasonable - however I really don't think I am being precious or controlling. Thanks to everyone call me nuts and bonkers too - I didn't expect that either but I accept that written down it does sound like I am nuts. I am not nuts or bonkers or many of the terms (can't remember all of them) used to describe my mental state.

As I said in my previous post, I had a difficult birth and still recovering from it, we also moved house - everything is upside down and I have my hands full. I gave FIL a photo- he didn't like it and made it clear he didn't. So I said I would get him another one (I have never said he can't have photos/ or take them himself), except I haven't got round to it. I also find it annoying that FIL rarely visits a grandchild that apparently means so much to him, I am not openly hostile towards him or anything like that, I always make tea, sit down, have a chat, give DC2 to him for a cuddle, if anything I am over hospitable.

Inlaws generally are v controlling and hostile unless they get their own way. FIL along with MIL are welcome visit at any time, but on the rare occassion FIL visits its always at DC1's bedtime. I don't see how not wanting a child's bedtime to be disrupted when I have had over 12 hrs of said boisterous child and a newborn makes me precious?!.

I was angry at DH because I feel he printed off the photos to keep his dad happy as opposed to explaining to his dad that we had a lot on our plate at the mo and that considering he lived 5 minutes away he could visit his DGC2 a bit more. I mean its all very well to play the doting grandad but I seriously doubt this has to do with him loving DC2 when he rarely comes to see DC2. I haven't thrown the photos in the bin, DH said he would bin them.

Sorry all the above sounds like drip feeding and repeating, I accept I am being unreasonable.

twitchycurtains Tue 05-Feb-13 16:42:04

We don't have a photo printer, he printed them off in a shop

CloudsAndTrees Tue 05-Feb-13 16:44:29

No, you are being controlling because you are pissed off with your DH for giving his parents a picture of his own baby!

Why do you get to decide when you have enough time to do it? Why should it only be on your terms?

Clearly your DH was capable of sorting it, so he did.

It's really not surprising that the in laws spend more time with their other GC if seeing your dc means they have to put up with you being difficult.

twitchycurtains Tue 05-Feb-13 16:45:08

I have emailed him pics since birth- regularly - just not printed off an actual physical photo apart from the one I gave him from Bounty.

LeeCoakley Tue 05-Feb-13 16:45:18

Now you're BOTH being unreasonable! Why bin £20 worth of photos? Just get dh to take them round to fil and move on.

Tallgiraffe Tue 05-Feb-13 16:46:27

I was angry at DH because I feel he printed off the photos to keep his dad happy as opposed to explaining to his dad that we had a lot on our plate at the mo

Why is it a bad thing for your husband to want to make his dad happy?

In the future why not just email through photos every few weeks? It takes two seconds and makes people happy. Clearly you have some longstanding issues with your in laws, but this is a very easy thing to solve that I think you're getting a bit upset over unnecessarily.

Hope you heal up soon though.

twitchycurtains Tue 05-Feb-13 16:47:17

CLOUDSANDTREES: how the fuck am I being difficult with FIL and inlaws, they are welcome to come round my house any time, they CHOOSE to come at dc1's bedtime because that is when is convenient for them. Do you not read my posts, I am over and beyond the basic realms of hospitable when he comes over.

MolehillAlchemy Tue 05-Feb-13 16:49:49

It's not about the photo is it OP. Often when something trivial gets on top of us, the problem is elsewhere but instead of dealing with it, we focus on something little that we can make sense of.

Have a proper think about what it is that's getting you down, and work on resolving that. FWIW, I had a traumatic birth, and the physical part of that took a good two months to get over, and it did cloud everything I did. It could easily just be that, and they say moving house is the most stressful thing you can do.

I think your DH was just trying to help. It was a nice thing he did.

Well if you've been emailing pics, why can't he print them off?
And why can't he come round with a camera and take his own pics?
Sorry but I'm with OP on this. He sounds odd.
But.... don't bin the pics, put them in frames and put them up in your house. You said you don't have any yet.
Discuss pics with your FIL next time he's round and tell him he can print his own off as you are struggling for time to do it for him.
Congrats on your new baby and your new home by the way!

MrsMushroom Tue 05-Feb-13 16:51:57

Yabvu

And controlling and weird.

spiritedaway Tue 05-Feb-13 16:52:19

Don't worry OP. . YABU, but i think maybe you are strung out, need help and this photo thing has come to represent that so it has become a bigger issue to you than it actually is. Do you feel as if your Dh wouldn't take the time to do something for you, but he will for his father? Maybe try to see the photo issue for what it is and address the bigger picture. No pun intended, and i may well be talking out my ass!

thebody Tue 05-Feb-13 16:54:03

Goodness me. Sorry I think I missed the actual problem.

If I got it right your dh have his father pictures of his child. What a bastard!!

Seriously op you have lots on your plate, why on earth didn't you tell fil that dh would sort it in the beginning.

If your fil visits at inconvenient times then again tell your dh to sort it out.

Kaekae Tue 05-Feb-13 16:54:06

This is what most grandparents do I am sure? If I have a new school photo of my son for example my mum will badger me for a copy. It is sweet they care.

ruledbyheart Tue 05-Feb-13 16:55:21

Actually op Im on your side, nothing stopping FIL coming at a decent time andtaking some photos himself, you have emailed photos why cant he print those himself if he was that bothered.
Also its not fair to come round at a time inconvenient to yourself when your trying to have a routine, tell him to bugger off and come back at a better time or to ring in advance.

spiritedaway Tue 05-Feb-13 16:55:40

Oh. . x post with molehill, who isn't talking out of her ass smile

I can see your PILs sound like a PITA but telling your DH that he cannot give his own Father some photos is a bit OTT.

LadyMargolotta Tue 05-Feb-13 16:56:54

To be honest, it doesn't sound like you want your fil to visit much more anyway.

Next time he asks for photos, smile sweetly and tell him he is perfectly welcome to print off the photos from the emails you send him.

MmeLindor Tue 05-Feb-13 16:58:11

I think that YANBU to be cross with your FIL - not for wanting a photo, but because it seems to me that they want to show others that they are loving grandparents by having a big photo to show their visitors. Rather than actually being loving and interested grandparents.

The other issue is that your DH - in order to keep the peace - has taken matters into his own hands and had a pic printed.

Did you stop to think that he was doing this to get his fecking annoying father off your back and give you some peace?

twitchycurtains Tue 05-Feb-13 16:59:49

I had a go at DH, I didn't tell him he couldn't give photos or tell him to bin photos - he is pissed off because I had a go at him, which was along the lines of "you just spent £20 on photos when we are supposed to be budgeting - I would have printed off photos I just hadn't got round to it, plus you were supposed to be watching DC1, instead you left her to run wild around the aisles whilst you printed of photos for your dad and I am trying to shop with baby and trying to chase dc1 nag nag nag" - that, in a nutshell.

aderynlas Tue 05-Feb-13 17:02:51

Spring will be here soon op, the house will be sorted you can take the dc out and you ll wonder what all the fuss about photos was for. Tell your fil that its too hectic to visit at bed time and arrange another time. Congratulations on your new dc.

twitchycurtains Tue 05-Feb-13 17:03:24

I have no probs with them visiting, I am just fucked whether they do or don't, If I request they visit at a more convenient time I am mad controlling precious DIL who hates her inlaws according to AIBU wisdom, if they choose not to visit its because of me being horrid to them and nothing to do with the fact that really apart from giving it the big I am - they aren't that interested in dgc2.

ThedementedPenguin Tue 05-Feb-13 17:04:57

Op is does sound like your FIL is a right pita.

I agree with another poster keep the photo for your house and tell FIL to come visit at a convinent(sp?) time and take his own pictures.

Although I do agree you went to far with your DP, but I understand how stressful a new baby and house move can be.

Have a cup of tea, calm down and maybe talk to your Dp about everything as it does seem like there's a lot going on behind the scenes.

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