To hate the saying "as log as its healthy I don't mind?"

(114 Posts)
kickassmomma Mon 04-Feb-13 09:42:14

Just a lighthearted discussion/debate.

When most people ask whether someone wants a boy or girl when there pregnant, majority say "as long as its healthy I don't mind" I am guilty of this too but now my perspective has changed because I don't have a healthy child.

It actually bugs me to see people put it on fb or say it to me? I kinda think, well what i your child isn't healthy? Would you mind then?

Wouldn't as long as my baby is happy and content be better?? smile

aldiwhore Mon 04-Feb-13 10:31:19

I get "didn't you want one of each"... my reply "One of each what?"

I have two boys, they are so different from each other, polar opposites, that I DO have 'one of each' in a way, bt not in a gender related way.

It IS annoying though. I am sure my polite fumbling question of "Do you know what flavour you're having" is equally unreasonable... my only defense is that I simply want to show interest without personal intimate questions.

Its fine tiggy I didn't think it was aimed at me (as much as I would love to think the world revolves around me grin )

NotSoNervous Mon 04-Feb-13 10:32:50

I kind of think YABU because everyone wants their baby to be healthy and if it wasn't of course there going to be upset and not think "oh well my babies ill but how can I mind". When I was pregnant I wasn't bothered in the slightest if I had a girl or boy I just wanted my baby

trustissues75 Mon 04-Feb-13 10:33:13

Perhaps a bit BU OP? I certainly know that if I were to say it (I usually tell the truth - I want a girl) I merely wish health and no suffering for my child. It's ok to wish for that. What would not be ok would be to have that child and then reject it because it wasn't perfect (and what is perfection anyway save for a perception of reality?)

pigletmania Mon 04-Feb-13 10:33:53

I don't think there is anything wrong with hoping for a happy and healthy baby baby, after all isent that what everyone wants, wouldent it be nice i no chid had to have illness or dusability! Yes unfortunately life is no like that, when a baby is born with illness r disability you have to do the best you can and adapt yourselves and your expectations. Dd 5 has ASD (developmental delays). We lve dd so much but our expectations and outlooks have changed, we don know if she will lead an independent life as an adult, have a job and take what oarents with nt chikdren ate for granted.

Hoping for a healthy child is not the same as wishing for a perfect one (which doesn't exist anyway) nor does it mean you won't love a child with health issues. I think it's a shorthand way of saying 'I just want a child who is alive and likely to stay that way for many years.' That's what I meant anyway when muppets people asked me if I was hoping for a boy after two girls.

AmberLeaf Mon 04-Feb-13 10:38:17

YANBU

It is one of those silly things people just say.

I know why they say it and Im sure they mean no offence, so I don't think they are 'wrong' as such in saying it, but yes, as the parent of a child with special needs it does rankle a bit.

hippo123 Mon 04-Feb-13 10:40:15

YABU. Having had my dd very sick in hospital as a newborn not knowing if she would be ok or not (thankfully shes fine) I see nothing wrong in wanting a healthy child. Surely thats what we all want? Obviously sometimes this doesn't happen which obviously doesn't mean you love your child any less but ulimately don't we all want a healthy child?

ReallyTired Mon 04-Feb-13 10:42:21

Depends what your definition of "healthy" is. I can't see why its an issue that someone hopes for a healthy child.

I have an indian friend who said she didn't mind whether she had a boy or a girl provided it lived more than ten minutes. She lost her first daughter shortly after birth and it really puts all our worries into perspective.

pigletmania Mon 04-Feb-13 10:43:21

Look there is nothing wrong with wanting a healthy child, I would hate to see my child suffer, watch their pain and sadness. Who doesn't want ther child to be healthy, but as I said life is not like that you ave to deal with the cards you are dealt with

Whyriskit Mon 04-Feb-13 10:44:05

Both DS1 & 2 have genetic conditions. DS2's is cardiac and likely to be life limiting. I am now pregnant with DC3.
Currently there is nothing I would like more than for DC3 to be healthy. That doesn't mean I love my precious boys any less.

oldraver Mon 04-Feb-13 10:44:22

I think its a stock answer to the silly question of do you want a boy/girl or derivatives though my reply was always 'a baby

You also have to remember OP that the people that may be saying what you see as a trite answer may be seething under their breath that they have been asked such a question

'So long as its healthy' seems the easier option to..

this is my 9th pregnancy, I only have one child... anything would be welcome

I have had three rounds of IVF..anything would be welcome

I nearly died in my last pregnancy and it has taken a long time to have the courage to get pregnant again....anything would be welcome

I had severe PND and it was a big decision to get pregnant again...anything would be welcome

Goldmandra Mon 04-Feb-13 10:44:47

I have two DDs with AS. They are my life, the centre of my world. I love them more than life itself and I cannot imagine being without them.

I don't mind that they are girls, not boys except for the incidental bonus that their femaleness was such a disappointment to MIL. I didn't mind that they were both born with mild health issues which required a little extra care for a few days before they could go home.

I do mind that they have AS. If someone had said I could choose their gender I wouldn't have bothered. If someone had said that I could choose for them to be able to perform normal everyday activities without medication to control their anxiety and help them to sleep I would have happily taken that option.

If I ever had another child I wouldn't mind if it was a boy or a girl, whether it was born on a day which was significant in another way, etc but I would mind about whether my baby had a significant disability or long term health problem.

I would still love that child with every fibre of my being but I would mind.

EuroShagmore Mon 04-Feb-13 10:45:56

It's not a silly thing to say at all and it doesn't imply that a healthy child will not be loved, just that you want your child to be healthy. What's wrong with that? I want to be healthy. I want my parents to have a healthy retirement without being in and out of hospitals. I wouldn't want any future child to be in pain or to have to endure hospital treatments or any other kind of suffering.

McNewPants2013 Mon 04-Feb-13 10:47:10

All I did want is a heathy, happy child. But ds has austism.

I love him more than words can describe, I still wish that he didn't have austism because its a constant worry and seeing him struggle day in day out and get frustrated is heart breaking.

pigletmania Mon 04-Feb-13 10:48:31

That's rght mcnewpants I totally agree. If I could ake away the Autism I would in a eartbeat but I love dd and ds more than life itself

SolomanDaisy Mon 04-Feb-13 10:48:40

Seriously? Of course everyone wants a healthy child. It doesn't mean you don't adore whatever child you get, it's because you adore them that you want them to be healthy. My DS was ill a little while after he was born. I would have preferred it if he was healthy.

FergusSingsTheBlues Mon 04-Feb-13 10:57:59

OP, you are bloody crazy if you can be offended by somebody wanting the best for your child. Im due in three weeks and tormenting myself over every lapse of judgement I have made in this pregnancy. ALL I hope for is that he is fine, and we both come through unscathed. If you love your child, why would you NOT expressly want them to avoid a life of suffering or incapacity?

Go and get angry about the current obsession with gender preference instead (why does everybody get so upset about not having girls?)..that to me is far more irritating.

milf90 Mon 04-Feb-13 10:58:07

i dont like it either, but i think its just one of those saying that you say to keep people happy/stop asking more questions!

Crawling Mon 04-Feb-13 11:08:51

YABU I wished for healthy children doesnt mean I dont love dd who has severe autism and ds possible AS just as much as if they didnt have it but its natural to want a healthy baby.

I find people who are devastated over the sex much more hurtful because it feels like a slap in the face someone being devastated over wrong sex as opposed to my devastation that my dd may never be independant and may always need care and help.

Pickles101 Mon 04-Feb-13 11:11:11

I think this "lighthearted discussion" has taken a bit of a serious turn wink

But I don't think you're BU or NBU, I'm indifferent. It's just a stock response that people say, like someone else said before me.
It doesn't mean that if your baby was born sick or disabled you would instantly stop loving them and go "oh what is it? A girl!? Oh I'll leave it here if you don't mind, that's just one blow too many".

TheFallenNinja Mon 04-Feb-13 11:14:14

I think there are countless throwaway comments that people use, this is one of them.

Others include;

10 fingers, 10 toes
I'll soon get a routine going grin
He/she will love X

Illgetmegoat Mon 04-Feb-13 11:15:00

When asked about gender my stock reply was always 'well we want one or the other' which was just nonsensical enough to get a little nod and then a subject change.

I have always been a bit sensitive to the 'as long as it's healthy' not because there is anything wrong with wishing your child health, god knows we know all about that, but it's always the 'as long as' that sort of got me.
As long as it's healthy what? We'll love the baby? Keep the baby? Not be disappointed in the baby? The baby will only be good enough if it's healthy? It's always struck me as a phrase negatively loaded with conditions and implications. I think it's the way it sounds rather than the sentiment that every parent really wishes their baby was healthy and didn't have to suffer - no-one I know would say they would keep their child's illness or disability, we have only ever said we would never change our child the whole of them, the person - which is different as that is currently the only choice - you can have this baby or not have this baby, there is no other option.

However - I haven't felt that 99% of the people I've ever heard using it have ever meant it in that way and it was just filed away as a stock response to chit chat like so many other things we say everyday to keep the social wheels greased.
To be honest as the sister of a disabled child and subsequently the mother of one I could never be entirely sure it wasn't me reading more into it than there ever was in the first place.

NaicePig Mon 04-Feb-13 11:19:26

Isn't good health a desirable thing that everybody hopes for for the people they love?

The difference is that if you "hoped for" a girl and had a boy, I'd expect that if someone came along and offered to wave some kind of sex-change wand and change him into a girl you'd say no, I love him as he is. If someone came along to your sick baby and offered to wave a health wand and take away the illness you'd bite their hand off. Because the first is something you kind of want for you, but health is something we all want for everyone we love.

LightTheLampNotTheRat Mon 04-Feb-13 11:30:12

YANBU. I hate it too. I especially hated it when someone said it when my DD - unhealthy then and now - was a baby. It made me feel even more isolated. I've often heard it said in the context of discussions about birth - ie 'I don't mind how it comes out as long as it's healthy'. I realise it's just one of those things people say without over-thinking it. But I wish they wouldn't say it in front of someone sitting there with their sick or disabled child - it's just insensitive and crass.

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