Splitting rent into thirds as one partner has a child? Red flag????

(123 Posts)
Donttrustmyselfanymore Sun 03-Feb-13 22:02:58

My friend is planning to move in with her boyfriend of a year.
She has a 3 year old dd from a previous relationship.

Her and her partner earn roughly the same money, they were going to go halves on bills rent etc but now he has changed his mind and he says he should only pay a third of the rent, gas electric etc as she has dd.

He will be moving into her 2 bed flat that she has been running alone for 4 years so it wouldn't be a struggle for her financially.

I find this really odd, he knows she has a child and that child is 3 years old ffs! and to me it shows resentment already.

Is this a red flag or fair. I'm not sure what to say to her tbh.

sausagesandwich34 Sun 03-Feb-13 22:28:05

they aren't moving in together, he is moving into her flat

her security, her's and her child's home

I'm a LP, I would not want a man moving into MY house to pay half as I wouldn't want them thinking they had a claim on the property that I have worked bloody hard to provide a safe and secure home for my DCs

What if she had 4 dcs that he wasn't the parent of and therefore needed a 3/4 bed house -would everyone still expect him to pay half?

TheSecondComing Sun 03-Feb-13 22:28:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Sun 03-Feb-13 22:31:06

If she dumps this bloke, she will have dodged a massive bullet. Tell her that from MN. Any bloke that puts himself forward as knight in shining armour "rescuing" a single mother from a life of shame and penury wants kicking right up the arse.

Sounds like the boyfriend has changed his mind?
At least she found out before she put his name on the rental agreement and moved in.
What does the DDs father say though? Is he on board with another man 'supporting his child' (even though it doesn't sound like he does hmm

MaryMotherOfCheeses Sun 03-Feb-13 22:35:54

"What if she had 4 dcs that he wasn't the parent of and therefore needed a 3/4 bed house -would everyone still expect him to pay half?"

Yes I would. 2 adults, taking on joint responsibility for the home. Together, equally. If he can't do that then it's not an equal partnership.

LIke the 3 year old can contribute.... hmm

pictish Sun 03-Feb-13 22:35:54

Yikes - he sounds dreadful.

Tell her if nothing else (and I would be encouraging her to rethink the relationship) tell her to keep the lease in her name only. For self preservation.

minouminou Sun 03-Feb-13 22:37:03

Please come back and tell us your friend has sacked this arsepart right off.

Booyhoo Sun 03-Feb-13 22:40:07

show her this thread. just to confirm her own feelinga that this isn't right at all.

Unless he is massively goodlooking and phenomenal in bed (which might turn quite a lot of people's heads), once your friend has told him to fuck off, she might want to spend a bit of time working on her self-esteem. Because anyone who was seriously contemplating sticking with a man like this who wasn't stunningly gorgeous with a diamond-plated dick would probably be falling into the mistaken mindset that a man is essential, and any old knobber is better than being single.

This reminds of the thread where the OP did not want to pay for her DD in the caravan.....

Does seem strange though, and if that is his mindset then he doesn't sound like a keeper, so probably better off telling him to sling his hook.

NatashaBee Sun 03-Feb-13 23:14:08

In general, big red flag. However, does the child's father contribute anything? If so, I think it's reasonable to expect some of that to go towards the running of the house. It's a bit clinical to divide it into thirds without any discussion though, and probably a sign of how things will go in the future.

Donttrustmyselfanymore Sun 03-Feb-13 23:16:07

Will definetly show this to her tomorrow. I think she feels embarrassed and unsure of who is right/wrong, and she doesn't want him or anyone else to think she is taking advantage of him. Neither or us have ever heard of anyone else with this problem iykwim. But I agree he's a twat. I'm so glad I discovered mumsnet.grin

Narked Sun 03-Feb-13 23:16:41

Massive red flag.

AnyFucker Sun 03-Feb-13 23:17:08

Bear, I was going to ask if this was a follow up to the holiday money split thread (where OP finally came around to common sense after several pages of obstinate rebuttals)

there is no real comparison to a holiday and a supposedly permanent arrangement though

CheCazzo Sun 03-Feb-13 23:18:17

OP has said the child's father pays support.

Please tell your friend what's been said here and ask her to reconsider - the whole thing sounds like a disaster looming on the horizon - it's in her power to stop that.

Donttrustmyselfanymore Sun 03-Feb-13 23:22:08

natashabee dd's real dad pays child support every month, and has her 2 days per week

The thing that makes me feel uncomfortable is he wants to start a family with her/get married. So surely if he's this seriously he wouldn't begrudge something like this, just seems a bit weird to me.

AllYoursBabooshka Sun 03-Feb-13 23:25:56

He would be getting a third of my boot up his arse.

If he moves in this won't end well, for her or her DD. Is the little girls dad aware of the lies he is telling in regards to supporting his child?

Your poor friend.

almostanotherday Sun 03-Feb-13 23:29:08

Red flag!

So when they have a child of their own, will he renegotiate the deal?

As I said, doesn't sound like a keeper to me.

HopingItllBeOK Sun 03-Feb-13 23:36:03

To give your friend some outside perspective: I was a lone parent to 2 DSs for several years. After I had been with DP for around 3 years, we began to discuss moving in together. What we discussed was who would move in with who, what would cause the least disruption for the children and what would provide the most stable home for the future, for all of us.

As it happens, my DP was working, I had just finished a degree and hadn't found work yet so was on benefits. The subject of money did come up, but only in so far as whether we should pool all money as family money, split the bills proportionally according to our respective incomes and divvy the bills that way and whether to leave the bills in the name of whoever had the house we decided to all live in and have the other partner give money towards them or have all hills put in joint names and make a joint account to pay them all.

There was never a mention of "there is 3 of you and 1 of me so I should only pay 1/4 of the bills" of that when we moved in with him, he would lose his council tax reduction so I should compensate him for that. If he had, I would have been up and over the hills before he could blink, not just running for them.

That doesn't mean I expected him to fund my lifestyle, it means that making a commitment to move in with someone who has children means making a commitment to those children as well, financially as well as in terms of time.

MollyMurphy Sun 03-Feb-13 23:36:25

That flag is outright on fire IMO.

TraceyTrickster Sun 03-Feb-13 23:42:27

The bit which would make me very wary is the 'supporting another man'd child'.
Lots of people do this. It is not a medal winning activity...it is a feature of modern life.

Dump him

Booyhoo Sun 03-Feb-13 23:44:21

i wonder does he intend to split the grocery shopping into thirds aswell, or the toiletries shopping. what about if they go out for a meal as a family?

"your dd uses more shampoo than me so that works out at you owing 90p and me owing 30p" hmm

Shocking!!!

Splitting into thirds as if the 3 year old is responsible for her finances. Will he allow her to pay her share in chocolate coins?

If my relationship with another man was serious to the point that he was moving in - I would damn well hope he was taking on my DD too (not totally because I know she still has a relationship with her dad but at least act responsibly towards her)

Genuinely shocked at this. I would change my plans about moving in - he's either very immature or he's a nasty piece of work who doesn't like step children!

Granitetopping Sun 03-Feb-13 23:45:31

Red red red red flag.

He already has issues by picking a woman who may feel grateful that he has chosen her.

Don't let your friend put his name on the rental agreement. When they split up, he will use mental abuse to force her to leave by making it impossible to live there and he will keep the flat.

He will be cruel to her DD when she is left alone with him. There will be lots of unexplained bruises.

I expect this man has a history of forming relationships with lone parents. Your friend is not the first.

I am seen this situation time and time again.

Tell your friend to get away from him both for her and DDs safety.

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