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to be having a little giggle that friend's plan for night feeding before birth didn't last up to the reality(78 Posts)
I know - night feeding is absolutely exhausting. Up for a long time and knackering.
But friend of mine showed me her nursery before baby was born and explained it would be a quick feed in a dark room before putting her down again to sleep.
I smiled politely. Seems the reality isn't quite like that and there've been several FB updates about being knackered with long feeds etc.
I have every sympathy as I've been there. But inside there's a little smile - isn't that awful of me.
I think sleeping through is a concept that should just be put in the bin. Abandon any plans/thoughts about it. Some (most?) adults I know don't 'sleep through', so why would a baby? I don't always sleep the same hours, eat the same hours, shit the same hours, so why would a baby? Theyre just little people, not aliens! Surely most other parents get sick to the back teeth of the endless questions/discussions/advice about 'getting them to sleep through'.
As for lying about how good babies are, maybe its unintentional? Everybody says my baby is 'good', and I agree. But I know they only see the carefully contrived I've-done-everything-she-wanted happy baby, and that if I had tried to make her sleep in a cot
or put her down at all in the first 6mo she would not be perceived as 'good'.
ok glad I got that off my chest
That's the thing though, some of the comments are hurtful and imply you are some how weak or stupid for not having a baby sleeping through at x weeks or a spotless house...!
I understand where you're coming from OP.
I was an idiot pre DD and was all 'she will be born naturally, BF perfectly, sleep through, I will never co-sleep and it will all be lovely'.
As my mum used to say to me when I pontificated about how 'easy' it will be 'The Babies Havent Read The Books'.
LO and behold I was induced for pre-eclampsia, she refused to Bf, was readmitted due to latch refusal, has terrible reflux, has only just started to sleep through at 18 fricking months and my house was a shithole thanks to severe PND and PTSD from my nightmare labour/birth and postnatal trauma.
My best friend is currently expecting her pfb. And she keeps coming out with some right humdingers because she has researched. She refused to accept that she would have SPD when I told her it sounded like she did because she was healthy yet she could understand why I had it because I wasn't. She looks down on me for being 'bullied' into induction and EMCS (ummm... Preeclampsia anyone?) and she doesn't think I tried hard enough with BF.
Then she looks down on the fact my house isn't perfect and is adamant her house will remain spotless and baby will BF on schedule.
I realised I'm making her out to be horrible here and she really isn't. She's just an idiot like most mums are before they have their babies and realise it isnt the perfect amazing experience we all hope it will be...although my word is it worth it.
When she calls me, knackered and stressed over her filthy house and constantly feeding baby. I will try to avoid being smug, go round and help her clean and let her have a rant/cry.
although an apology for some of the things she said would be nice, she really upset me with some of the things she said about my induction and EMCS
Creamtea1 - no, that isn't the definition of sleeping through - it's a 6hr unbroken stretch of sleep. So 11pm-5am = sleeping through the night. It is helpful for new parents to know that, so that they don't feel as though they're somehow "failing" if they haven't achieved a 12h stretch of sleep.
If I believed you (and thankfully I know otherwise) then my DS1, aged 5, would never have slept through the night yet, as he usually sleeps for 11h. DS2 is now 16wo and has managed several 6h stretches so far, and even a few longer than that - but last night he was back to waking every 3h again.
"Sleeping through" seems to be such a stick for parents to beat themselves with - at least they should know where the starting point is!
DS was going to eat a wide range of food and vegetables and be open to a foreign foods and flavours.
He'd also love going for long walks in the countryside.
I'm sure I told friends this!!
Suffice to say, he has completely failed to have a wide taste in food. Unless it's pasta. And he's a reluctant walker in the country.
I think a baby can only fit into your pre-DC life without altering it if you have a very particular kind of life. At the very least you have to factor in school/nursery/childminder runs, or accommodate a nanny in your house.
When people tell me their grand plans for their pfb, I smile and nod, and only occasionally say "well sometimes people find that hard if the baby xyz". And afterwards, when they've abandoned the grand plan in favour of a good but less ambitious plan, I do kind of eye roll internally, but I'm not glad exactly.
It would have been great to spend my first maternity leave writing the non-fiction book I had planned, with DS either dozing on a blanket in dappled shade, or playing happily with old cotton reels and pine cones.
It would be lovely if DC2 slept through by any measure before his second birthday (ten weeks to go).
But you know what? There is a lot to envy about my life and I'm going to count my blessings.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Sleeping through is 7-7, 8-8 etc - a 12 hour ish uninterrupted shift.
And I don't think OP was being nasty and spiteful.
Geez you lot. Read the OP in the spirit it is meant.
YABU but you know that, hence the tongue in cheek post. I had grand plans. I was going to learn the guitar. I was going to earn extra money by marking exam papers. I was going to do a 120km cycle with a 3 month old (breastfed!) baby.
In reality I didn't get more than 2 hours sleep in a row for 8 months. I didn't do more than a mummy running group for 9 months. I barely functioned. I did, however, gain a wonderful crazy little being. And I have not dared to have another child!
Ahh more doom mongering. Having a baby is shit. It ruins your life. It ruins your life more than it ruined the lives of any of your friends/family etc. Though of course you're a better parent than any of them put together and Nobody Knows Your Pain. Blah blah blah. What is this, Martyr of the Year awards?
I'm awaiting my first child and all the doom mongering and competitive 'I've had it soooo hard!' stories have made me start telling my DH now that we will only be having one child. I'm terrified. You'd think I was about to give birth to a rattlesnake.
You genuinely sound oh so sympathetic; truly the compassionate friend, what with your little smile and all that.
Ok, so the first 3 weeks were a blur...sleep deprived, hideous getting up at all bloody hours..
But you know what...by 5 weeks my little star was sleeping through. And i mean sleeping through - 11.30pm til 7.30am. And still is now.
I tell you what annoys me - the number of my friends who have kids older than mine who go on and bloody on about the lack of sleep, constant whining, the 'oh wait, you'll see' blah blah blah....to be fair, so far, erm no. It's lovely. It's pleasurable. And having a baby is such a blessing. I do wish they'd shut up, because actually, no. My baby does not dictate our life and actually she does fit into our ways and what we want to do. And just because you've got kids older than mine does not make you the expert on all things child related!
but those first few weeks were awful granted!! haha
And I never criticised what she was doing or her plans. I just listened to her plans.
I'm not giggling really - I never criticised her or commented when she said what her plan was. I was trying to word the OP carefully because I knew what someone would say.
It was just she was so convinced - and you're right, no one knows until they are in that position.
I have every sympathy for her.
I have just re-read your OP for fear of not reading it properly but have to agree with pinkflipflop. Of course she wasn't to know how difficult things would be-regardless how many times people tell you, you won't know until you are in that position. From your OP it seems she didn't try to criticise something you were doing but was merely talking about her approach. What makes you so smug now that you can giggle at a friends discomfort?
Mine both had a quick feed in a darkened room before settling.
DS2 went a bit haywire at about 8 months.
You sound a bit mean spirited. She'd not criticising you.
I'm not taking pleasure - if you read my OP properly, I have every sympathy for her.
I was just there when she told me all her grand plans. Some of the things I thought completely went to pot.
I think YABU and pretty horrible. I'm about to become a mum for the first time and tbh I would be horrified if anyone would be taking pleasure in my lack of sleep.
What's to giggle about?
She has to learn and it's not like she can truly know what it'll be like until her baby actually arrived.
I don't mind either the woe is doom and gloom or the smug pfb talk as long as its all TRUE. It's the mums who insist the baby is perfect, no trouble etc as a way of perhaps feeling slightly superior, but who are not telling the real story, who are the worst.
Eg mum saying pfb sleeps through, no trouble, naps on cue, never cries etc (smugly) but then dad let's slip to fellow dad that pfb 'was up all night and is a f***ing nightmare'
Why enjoy feeling smug? That was you once.
I have had 2 years of no sleep now and would feel unfriendly thoughts to a friend who was smirking at my exhaustion!
Although I did feel smug for doing a 4 day labour back to back with no painkillers after every twat and his cousin told me I was stupid for hoping for epi free.
Pre children I used to watch parents and occasionally think "I'd never do that". but I never ever thought it would be a good idea to actually comment on someone else's childrearing. I didn't have one so wtf did I know. I therefore think it is absolutely ok to have a private snigger at those who those who decided to give me the benefit of their wisdom before they had any themselves.
I snigger everytime I see fb photos of a relative's 2 year old PFB with a dummy in his mouth. Apparently it is to teach him to 'self soothe'. When DS had one it looked 'common' and I used it way less than she does. They also call it a comforter and correct you if you say Dummy.
They were the same pair who thought parents were only tired because they were doing it wrong and yet I never came across a pair who made such a bloody fuss of how hard it was for them when they had an absolute delight of a baby.
sadly i listened to the doom-mongering and 'babies are like x' crap, and it really put me off having any! now i enjoy the silent disappointment of the doom mongers when what they say will happen doesn't, or i actually cope with it fine. life is sometimes unpleasant...man up! i just wish i had a fiver for every time i hear the phrase 'wait until x, then you'll know about it!'
I know IABU. I know all about extensive night time feeds and I did mention to her about how DS used to be when he was young.
The best laid plans of course....
when I had children....d'oh, brain on holiday! with my children.
When DS was a newborn, I recall being horrified about what my elder sister was doing when her 1 year old was ill, a year later I recall my brother (then father to a newborn) being horrified at what I was doing - yep, it was the same thing!
(the dreadful thing was giving calpol rather than taking the baby to the GP immediately). I'm surprised she didn't swing for me when I said I'd never do that when I had children, she insisted I would and I was all judgy pants. My brother was the same....
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