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To want another baby at 41

(134 Posts)
raceorama Tue 22-Jan-13 10:19:08

I have 3 dcs and would really like a forth. My DH is not so keen though to go through the baby stage again not sure if I should try to change his mind. Anyone else in similar situation.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 25-Jan-13 14:24:55

Cost of school shoes! Holiday travel/accommodation! Food bills! Replacing broken/lost gadgets! Driving lessons! <apparently bottomless pockets, thank goodness for money tree we planted>.

Of course they are worth it {eyes water}.

orangeandlemons Fri 25-Jan-13 11:18:53

Yes, will second that about teens. The cost!

greenfolder Thu 24-Jan-13 22:02:14

Ok- I feel compelled to say this

Dd3 arrived when I was nearly 40, when others were 10 and 12. I in no way regret having her-she is a much wanted and loved child. Dds now 18,15 and 5.

If I had had any inkling how hard, draining and expensive teens are, I am really not sure I would have been so keen. You are already looking at 3 teens already. Think ahead a bit.

grin Well I suppose I did! DS I mean - doh!

crashdoll Thu 24-Jan-13 20:46:58

I was 40 when I had my DP.

grin Quite an age difference between you and your partner, is there?!

IfNotNowThenWhen Thu 24-Jan-13 20:34:39

Oh, for the non Yorkshire folk "me sen" means myself

IfNotNowThenWhen Thu 24-Jan-13 20:32:35

Alot of things depend on general health and outlook too.
I was chatting to a woman on the checkout at the supermarket who was about to be GGM at the age of 63. She seemed so much older than that to me-just by her manner and outlook.
My dsis had hers at 42 and my step-dad, who is 70 is very fit and healthy, always has the latest phone, plays computer games and is very involved with his gdc. I reckon he has a good 20 years in him.
I also overheard two men in the butchers chatting. I took them to be 65-70 until they started talking about the ages of their kids (50-60) and one of them said "and you'll be hitting 90 soon, like me Bob?" I did a double take, because one of them was the butcher-still working!
The other one said "Aye. We've got another 10 year or so at least".
"Oh aye" said the first man. " I'm might even retire and enjoy me sen"
grin(And they were not kidding!)

Cakecrumbsinmybra Thu 24-Jan-13 13:10:05

eggsy11, well OP has said she has young children and is already in her 40's, so actually you are being a bit offensive. And a bit smug and naive too.

orangeandlemons Thu 24-Jan-13 09:24:16

My mum had me late. She was in her mid/late 60's when I was in my 20's. I never found her difficult or vague to talk to. She was wise, tolerant and huge minded. Her age made no difference at all to my relationship with her. In fact it was a bonus.

I had dd at 42. I love her to bits, but have to admit at 49 I do have less energy than even 42. I am not interested in current music but was when younger, and feel a bit left behind in the whole social networking thing. I do wonder how this is going to impact on her when she is older. I do not dress frumpy most people think I am late 30's, but somewhere at the back of mind is the a little finger of guilt saying I am too old for her........

ExpatAl Thu 24-Jan-13 09:09:30

in other countries it's not viewed with such horror. There are probably some places where you'd look noticably older but where i live I wouldn't look out of place at the school gate at all.

I was 40 when I had my DP. The God anaesthetist who did my epidural cheerfully told me his wife had all three of their children in her forties.

He was my favourite person for a long time.

I got preggers again at 41, lost it and have been trying ever since. I've also given myself deadlines and every time I reach it (it was 42) I think "Well, keep trying a little longer".

In some ways I think times are changing and "geriatric mothers" (seriously hmm) are on the increase but you know, women have been having children in their 40's for centuries!

expatinscotland Thu 24-Jan-13 01:50:49

Oh, yes, MrsDeVere, that child my gran had at 47, two months before she was 48, went on to be the greatest success of all of them: he is a professor of anaesthesiology, now in his 60s. She had 5 after her first died, all but two past 35: a maths teacher, a petroleum engineer, a social worker, an English teacher, a doctor.

She outlived them all. She died after 2 days illness at 92, her husband, two months younger than she, died suddenly of heart attack, age 90.

Since then, two of her remaining five have died, in their sixties, both because their spouses/partners, older, had gone on before them, and they wanted no cause to live, so they stopped taking the drugs that kept them alive.

sukysue Wed 23-Jan-13 22:29:32

God it's bloody hard work and quite honestly why? You already have 3 beautiful children why push it?

ExpatAl Wed 23-Jan-13 22:18:50

How young does a great grand mother have to be?? I shall send a stand in.

I have a fab picture of my gran, mum, sister, niece and just born great niece. 5 generations of women. My gran was 104 and died shortly after the picture was taken. I feel sad that I won't have that picture but we'll make other memories.

MrsDeVere Wed 23-Jan-13 22:11:36

My parents never helped anyway.
Besides, my dad died when he was 57. He had three kids by the time he was 23.

I had no network of willing family when I was 25 and had DD, I have no network of willing family now I am 45.

I remember a thread like this on NM. It was predictably surreal (I am fairly sure that is an oxymoron but never mind).
Amid the 'its dicusting to have a baby when you are over 35' posts there was a corker.

One poster was 'discusted' that anyone would be so selfish as to have a baby if they were not going to be able to be a young great-grand parent shock

She didn't just think it would be nice to be around to meet her great grandchildren, she insisted it was a mother's duty to be around to be a cool ggm.

I mean, I knew I was being selfish and dicusting (sic) having a baby at the grand old age of 43 but I hadn't realised just how selfish and discusting...

ExpatAl Wed 23-Jan-13 22:08:22

Yes, 4 decades of nappies is quite a thought!

ExpatAl Wed 23-Jan-13 21:46:06

I find it an odd thing to focus on. I have done nothing but treat myself. Now our treats will be having fun with our kids (I hope more than 1) and going on breaks with them. Also we will hardly be in our dotage at 60 when they're 20 and have not been wanting to be seen dead with us for years like all self respecting teenagers.

MrsJollyPostman Wed 23-Jan-13 21:41:16

ExpatAl it is all very well saying you will be doing things with kids and going on breaks/getting time to yourself in your fifties, but surely one issue is that there are less people who are willing and/or able to help? I know that in mine and my husbands situation when we are 50 our parents will be in their 70s and 80s and our siblings will have grown up kids and will be unlikely to want to look after kids for us then. However, I accept this is less of an issue if you had your 20s and 30s doing your own thing. Spending 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s raising children frankly seems like a terrifying prospect to me blush
But as I said, if the Op has young children anyway (couldn't find a post saying how old her kids are) then it is obviously less of an issue.

harassedandherbug Wed 23-Jan-13 21:32:40

I have 4 dc, their ages are 23, 21, 6 and just turned 1. I was 18 when I had dc1 and 41 when I had dc4 and I was exhausted with all of them!

I had two mc's before dc4 which could have been my age or just unlucky. Otherwise no problems with them or me. I have 3 grandchildren, 2 are younger than dc4.

Dh and I chose not to have Downs testing, and dc's 3 & 4 are unaffected. However my 7mth old grandson has Downs. It was undiagnosed and his parents were 20 & 21 when he was born.

ExpatAl Wed 23-Jan-13 21:25:30

A confused parent is hard for a child of any age to deal with. A 'child' in their 30s is self sufficient. I will be doing kids parties at 50 AND going on breaks and treating myself. We're in a position now that we can do that. I don't mean to be flippant - I would have been gladly skint and a mother of 3 or 4 years ago but it didn't happen for us. The upside is that we have an enormous amount to share and I'm not at all sure I'd have been a nice mum when younger. The OP though, has dc already so this baby would have siblings.This one would just be tagged on the end. I don't think it's an issue at all.

thesnootyfox Wed 23-Jan-13 21:14:29

My Nan had 8 children, she had her first at 21 and her eighth at 45. I think having children in later life keeps you young (in attitude).

cerealqueen Wed 23-Jan-13 20:49:05

41 isn't too old. I had my 1st at 40, 2nd at 43. I would LOVE another, so so much, even a fourth but we can't afford it, and I think I am a bit too old now. If I had started 10 years ago and space and money were not issues...... I cry thinking about it.

Anyway, what you need to think about is the logistics of having another child, space, money, etc. As for feeling tired well yes, you may well be very tired but you and the family work together to lessen the burden. All your children will be at school so you can devote all that time to the baby. Sounds great to me. I bet your other children will love it too. Have you discussed it with them?

MrsJollyPostman Wed 23-Jan-13 20:34:21

I think a lot of it depends on the ages of your children. If they are teens or older do you want to be doing kids parties when your 50 instead of holidays, breaks, treating yourself. If your children are young and you will be doing "the kid thing" anyway then that is obviously less of an issue.
My friends parents had her at 43. She didn't mind so much when she was young except she did say there was an obvious difference between her parents and her friends parents although her parents didn't seem to notice ( according to her) this is obviously less of an issue nowadays due to a lot more people having babies later.
Now her parents are in their seventies she really struggles, she finds it more difficult to converse with them as they are getting more confused and she is very envious of friends who don't need to worry about their parents in that way yet.
Her parents are love,y and she did have a great childhood, but I do think you need to think longer term than just managing with the baby stage.
On the other hand my auntie had her first at 41, she is a fantastic mum! (Just so you don't think I am anti-slightly older mothers)

quickdowntonson Wed 23-Jan-13 20:20:43

I am also 41, with 2 DC's aged 14 and 15, so we had them in our mid 20's. Although I enjoyed the baby/toddler stage, looking back it was hard going at times. My DH was a junior doctor, working 100 hours per week, and financially things were tight (junior got paid a lot less then!). I would love to have another baby now, and I've finally persuaded DH to agree! We are more financially secure, are both very fit and healthy, regularly drag the kids up mountains/ long bike rides etc, and we can offer a child a secure, happy home life. We also have a better perspective I think- tend to stress a lot less about stuff that doesn't matter (which is actually most stuff!!). So, I would say go for it if it's what you both want! I'll let you know when I get my BFP!! Xx

jellybeans Wed 23-Jan-13 19:38:56

' I think 40+ is too old. Because of lack of energy and not being as in touch with your children as a young parent would be. I don't see how any of that is offensive?'

How do you know, you have never been a 40 year old parent.

I was a teen mum with DD1, she is now 16. We are close but I am still ancient in her eyes and I am far far younger than her friend's parents who are the same age as my parents. All over 30s (or late 20s even) are ancient to them! So you won't necessarily be closer because you are younger!

As far the abnormalities,sadly I had a baby with a fatal chromosome disorder and I was early 20s so it isn't always older mums who have the problem pregnancies.

I say have a baby when it is right for you but don't slate other's choices!

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