Help - found bank letter re challenging over 1k spend in gentlemans club

(277 Posts)
Letstryagain Wed 16-Jan-13 20:43:04

Looked in h pocket when moving jackets and found a bank letter re his challenge over 1k spend in 'gentlemans' club - looked at dates and it was a weekend I was away, he was out but never mentioned going there. I have no issues with these places but wonder why he didn't say he was there & also how could anyone spend over 1,000 at a place like that? What do I do - say I saw it? Am raging? He had told me he was disputing a spend in debenhams!! Help!!!

Letstryagain Wed 16-Jan-13 21:49:29

Yes - I will ask him tomorrow (he is out tonight). Should I worry about what he got for over a grand?

Branleuse Wed 16-Jan-13 21:52:35

you shouldnt worry about anything. It wont change anything.

Wait and see what he says

determinedma "Going through someone's pockets is snooping in my book"

I don't consider it snooping either - I have asked DH to empty his pockets for laundry/drycleaning for YEARS, yet still he forgets.

He left a pen in a pocket - which melted in the dryer and ruined an entire load of laundry. We've had coins, nuts, screws etc in the washer filter, £20 notes washed, his Army ID card snapped in the washer... the list goes on.

So now I go through his pockets - on the understanding that any money I find is payment for having to go through them. It's actually a nice little earner!

I don't go through his pockets to snoop - I go through them to save our clothing and appliances. End of story. If he could manage to empty them before putting his clothes in the laundry then I would happily relinquish this task.

Only you can decide where your limits are. You said before you don't mind him having a lap dance. I couldn't be with my DP if I knew he paid women to shove their fannies in his face.

larks35 Wed 16-Jan-13 22:12:35

I have to admit that it sounds like he got fleeced but he maybe asked for some "services" that enabled the fleecing.

I would be beyond raging at the loss of a grand. I'd also want to know what the fuck my DP was thinking in even entering a let's rip off blokes "gentleman's" club.

I'm intrigued to find out what the £1000 got him, did he pay for his mates to drink and each have a lap dance? Or was he on his own and somehow bought other people drinks. You have to ask him OP.

A friend of mine went to a lap-dancing club on a mate's stag do, this was back in the 1990s and drinks alone cost £12. He felt fleeced when he left sober but £50 worse off.

wannabedreams Wed 16-Jan-13 22:17:41

I would definitely challenge him, you are more than entitled to empty his pockets as you sort his dry cleaning, anyone would have read it. I have to open all my H post as he just wouldn't and it might be important? He is happy with this btw.

My first reaction is he went there for drinks, they put through way more on his card than they should and because he hasn't told you he was there the lies just got worse..... Like a comedy of errors.

MarilynValentine Wed 16-Jan-13 22:43:38

Ugh. What a slime. Paying women for sexual favours of one kind or another whilst probably too pissed to remember how much he was spending.

Then lying to you.

Sex, beauty and desire - wonderful aspects of all of our lives. But the moment money is involved it becomes about power, control, manipulation, exploitation. Seeing other people as objects to be bought and paid for.

He feels entitled to spend money on the fact that he'd love to fuck other women.

Still, you're okay with all that, right?

Backtobedlam Wed 16-Jan-13 23:34:30

You weren't snooping, I always empty all our pockets before washing/hanging stuff up as had far too many cards lost or ruined by not doing. If I was you though I'd gather as much information as possible before asking/confronting him.

TinyDancingHoofer Thu 17-Jan-13 02:06:35

The £1000 was probably a bottle of champagne rather than sex. That's where those clubs make their money, the booze not the girls.

Darkesteyes Thu 17-Jan-13 02:17:17

HecateWhoopassWed 16-Jan-13 21:09:59

oh yes. If someone spent money in a club and it was nothing to do with me - I'd be shouting it from the rooftops!

He lied to you because he WAS there. He DID partake of whatever it is they offer there.

He just does not believe he had a grand's worth...

THIS. I used to work in a sex chatline office taking the bookings for calls at reception and also doing calls.
After a call had been completed and they had "ahem" shot their load some of them would then go to their bank and deny using their credit cards to book the call in the first place and my boss would end up with a chargeback. Some of the fuckers expected to get a call for free and try to get away with it by charging it back.
A similar principle to what Hecate has pointed out.

But presumably he knows his wife doesn't mind him paying for sexual services, so why would he lie? Is it any different to most men nipping out for a drink?

I guess he lies because
a. He likes lying to his wife.
b. He doesn't think his wife would be thrilled at this particular sexual service.
Good luck OP. You have every right to rant/be angry at this.

Letstryagain Thu 17-Jan-13 13:31:24

Spoke to him this morning - it gets better! He admitted that he went there with a mate, when they went to leave they were intimidated back to sign a bill of £1,800!! He says he feels embarrassed so lied about it.
At work now so I still have to find out what the nearly 2k apparently covered - I feel sick even thinking about it

Backtobedlam Thu 17-Jan-13 13:38:38

Poor you sat at home worrying, at least he didn't try to deny it though, which is a good sign. Hope he feels like a total idiot.

Oh dear. Do you have joint finances - if so, it must feel doubly rotten that you are at work funding his extra-curricular sex-life. I would be raging.
I don't really know what to say - you have been happy with him going to lapdancers in the past it seems, I guess, you could put a limit on his expenditure? Or suggest he doesn't go again?
He must have a lot going for him in other ways because he sounds like a complete tosser - and thick too.

Probably just expensive drinks, champagne etc. The women who work there are encouraged to get punters to buy expensive drinks*. It's normally cash only for private dances so I don't think it's payments for services rendered. The women who work at the clubs are self-employed, they don't get paid by the clubs, they have to pay around £100 - £200 a night for the "privilege" of working in the clubs. That's why the women only accept cash.

Strangely enough, visiting women don't get charged as much as men. Last time I went a bottle of house white was £20, so whilst expensive, not extortionate.

Greythorne Thu 17-Jan-13 13:47:20

I should think the 2000 bill covered young women taking off their clothes for your DH and his friend, possibly rubbing their sex organs over their clothes and simulating foreplay before sexual congress.

Greythorne Thu 17-Jan-13 13:49:18

His disputing it is very naive really.

If he just wanted to go to a boozer and have a few pints with a friend, then he will pay 20 or 30 quid for the pleasure.

If he wants semi naked women and naked women to bring drinks, dance provocatively in front of his face and run themselves over his clothes, it costs rather more.

sweetestB Thu 17-Jan-13 13:49:24

Get checked for STD.

Greythorne Thu 17-Jan-13 13:51:59

And the power differential in your relationship is staggering.

he gets to go to strip joints secretly and spend hundreds and possibly thousands of pounds and you are ok with that.

You are worried about the "crime" of going through his pockets to ensure nothing valuable went to the dry cleaners by mistake and you are worried that he will accuse you of snooping.

<mind boggles>

allgoingtoshitnow Thu 17-Jan-13 13:52:42

"Spoke to him this morning - it gets better! He admitted that he went there with a mate, when they went to leave they were intimidated back to sign a bill of £1,800!! He says he feels embarrassed so lied about it."

So there is your answer. And yes it happens all the time because the clubs know the men will try and hush it up, so they get away with it.

Except in this case your DH is fighting to get family money back that was effectively stolen.

Suggest you go and apologise for snooping OP.

Greythorne Thu 17-Jan-13 13:54:18

allgoingtoshitnow

Er, what?

Nancy66 Thu 17-Jan-13 13:55:09

as others have said - the drinks at these places cost a fortune.

The clubs are worked by 'hostess girls' who get commission for every bottle of champagne they persuade a visitor to buy. A bog standard bottle of supermarket bubbly (probably presecco) will cost about £200.

The girl may say 'would you like me to join you at your table?' what she won't say is that it will lead to another £200 being added to the bill.

Hostess bars are notorious rip off joints

Letstryagain Thu 17-Jan-13 13:58:13

I know - this may sound weird but I have no issues with lap dancing clubs ....... However how can you spend that much on dances and booze .., I feel sick thinking about it

Greythorne Thu 17-Jan-13 13:59:28

You have no problem with map dancing clubs

But your husband has a problem with you:
a. knowing he goes there
b. how much he spends there
c. you going through his pockets?

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