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....in thinking the cost of weddings is becoming beyond todays young people

(312 Posts)
concernedrose Wed 16-Jan-13 00:26:45

DS is planning on getting married next year. He and fiance both have good jobs but are paying off student loans, and pay £850 a month in rent for a tiny one bedroomed flat. They also are trying to save for a mortgage. So imagine their (and our) horror at the price of weddings. It seems that to be able to do everything for under £10,000 is virtually impossible in the area we live in. And they have accepted they wont be able to have a honeymoon immediatly after the wedding. This seems a vast sum of money to me, but even calling in favours from friends and relatives, (ie cake making, invitation making, flower arranging) it looks like this is what it is going to cost. Oh well, anyone for beans on toast!!!

Thumbwitch Fri 18-Jan-13 00:03:34

TheBride - I don't know if you were aiming your comments at me, but I certainly don't assume that expensive wedding = boring. It's just my experience of weddings that that has been the case so far.

marriedinwhite Thu 17-Jan-13 20:41:14

Not quite the reason *sheherezade*. But I forgive you for not remembering the precise facts. It wasn't the party that wasn't acceptable it was their entire lack of courtesy and the lack of focus on the parts of the day that were important. I seem to recall we were invited to an evening party; told we were excluded from the wedding breakfast but it would be great if we went to the church to which we were not formally invited and then expected to spend from 3pm until 8pm killing time.

I think they wanted to give the impression of a grand wedding with lots of guests but couldn't be bothered to look after them for the rest of the day.

They are off my Xmas card list; they did not look after my MIL (they expected us to do that when we weren't invited to the wedding) and they excluded us from part of their day. Not what a wedding is about in my opinon.

Scheherezade Thu 17-Jan-13 20:35:06

That's very odd you say that married because I recall you saying you would strike a couple off your Christmas card list and never speak to them again if the party at a wedding wasn't acceptable to you.....

QueenStromba Thu 17-Jan-13 20:28:09

You've forgotten the not insignificant legal and financial benefits marriedinwhite, which are my reasons for wanting to marry my DP. At the moment my estranged family could turn up if I was dead or incapacitated and completely exclude DP, they could even legally remove all of my personal possessions from our flat after my death leaving him without a single tangible item to remember me by. It's very important to me that DP is my legal next of kin because half of my family are so bloody crazy that they might just do this.

The financial reasons to get married are things like spouses being entitled to half of the other's pension in the event of their death - I hate to think of either of us going through the grief of losing the other and having to deal with a massively reduced income at the same time. There's also the issue of inheritance tax. If you own a house together and each will your half to the other then you could end up with a massive inheritance tax bill.

marriedinwhite Thu 17-Jan-13 19:36:45

I seem to recall that alongside love there were three significant reasons for getting married:

The avoidance of sin
The procreation of children
Mutual comfort.

We switched avoidance of sin and mutual comfort.

Love and permanence is what the marriage is about. It costs very little.

The party is another matter and not entirely necessary - or not in the form recommended by wedding planners.

Just thought it needed saying.

The best bit of our wedding were the promises before God and their irrevocable nature as well as the blessing of the rings, covered with the priest's stole. That's why my doesn't come off - it might break the magic.

>>as you were<<

squoosh Thu 17-Jan-13 17:47:49

Oh yeah, hog roasts certainly aren't a cheap option.

I think they're so overrated anyway.

Scheherezade Thu 17-Jan-13 17:43:04

Hog roasts are actually very expensive, we looked at having one and it was far too pricey, not that much difference from having professional caterers.

QueenStromba Thu 17-Jan-13 17:06:14

What I have in mind for my wedding (if it ever happens) should come to about a grand. I'm thinking less than £100 for a proper wedding dress from ebay, about the same for silver rings (I hate gold), print invites ourselves on nice stationary and post for about £50 (most of that is the stamps!), supermarket cake, £200 for a late afternoon slot at our lovely local registry office, reception in one of our local pubs (no hire charge) with £3-400 of bar snacks put on and a couple of hundred on fizz. DP needs a new suit anyway so I'm not including that in the costs. We'd probably chuck an extra grand behind the bar though which would double the cost of the wedding smile

We could spend £10k on an identikit wedding in a hotel but it really wouldn't be us and seems like a massive waste of money that could go towards a house.

atthewelles Thu 17-Jan-13 16:50:49

But the reason a lot of wedding receptions are expensive is because the couple are following some format and trying to have everything the same as the weddings they've been to over the years. Fine, if that's what they want and they can afford it. But personally I prefer weddings that have some spark of creativity or originality to them and, in my experience, that is more likely to happen when people aren't spending a lot of money and have to rely on their imagination to make the day special.

TheBrideofMucky Thu 17-Jan-13 16:37:38

I don't understand why an expensive wedding is automatically a boring one. I had been to lots of inexpensive weddings and lots of expensive ones. Most were boring as weddings tend to be. But some had good food and nice views. grin

Surely the more money at your disposal, the more options you have. You can make something personal and original whatever your budget. Saying expensive weddings are boring doesn't make sense and just sounds a bit bitter. Be happy with your choices, whatever they are, there is no need to run down anyone else's.

oldandcrabby Thu 17-Jan-13 16:29:15

My friend's daughter got married this summer. Ok it was her second one but it was done on a shoe string: Registry office, hog roast and home made salads and puddings in parents's garden, even the elderflower champagne was home made, the real champagne with the cake, which was decorated by MIL. The dress and DD's bridesmaid's dress was from ebay and her flowers were jasmine and old man's beard buds from my garden. There were as many children as adults and they really enjoyed themselves so did the two families, even the millionairess aunt. Cost £500? The honeymoon was camping in Cornwall. The couple had just moved into a new house, wanted to celebrate with their familes and friends but had their priorities clear. It was a wedding I shall remember more than posh ones in glittering venues.

Thumbwitch Thu 17-Jan-13 13:55:53

That's fair enough, Rhubarb - I have to admit that I've been to a fair few "personal" weddings, including my own, where there were standout events that just made that wedding different and special without trying to, you know? Just things that were personal to the couple getting married. My own "special event" was organised by my best mate, who took on the role of MoH despite me not having any attendants - and it was a fantastic surprise, and hilarious.

The most boring ones were the most expensive, that's for sure.

Spuddybean Thu 17-Jan-13 13:54:31

With regards to the poster above who didn't send save the date cards. Neither did we on my 1st wedding. We thought we'd just call people and let them know, then send the proper invitations out 6 wks before the wedding. The entire dad's side of my family threw a strop and arranged a bbq on the day of my wedding, saying that as they hadn't had 'official' save the date cards they didn't think they were invited (despite the phone calls telling them that they were 6 months earlier). So none came because they were having a bbq in their garden. So let that be a cautionary tale for everyone, my family didn't attend my wedding because we didn't send save the date cards...or because they are cunts, you decide.

atthewelles Thu 17-Jan-13 12:54:21

That makes sense Squoosh. Most weddings I've been at, the guests seem to be expected to wait until the bride and groom leave before following them to the hotel where they again disappear for yet more photos.
A lot of guests now don't bother going directly to the hotel but head off somewhere for coffee and cake to keep them going until the meal is ready to be served.

squoosh Thu 17-Jan-13 12:51:05

If that's been your experience well then yes I'm sure it did interfere with your enjoyment of the day. Personally, it hasn't been my experience at any of the weddings I've attended. Guests shuttled off to venue after wedding, wedding party left behind with photographer.

atthewelles Thu 17-Jan-13 12:47:45

It does kind of interfere with your enjoyment though Squoosh if you have to hang around outside the Church in the cold for ages waiting for them to leave, or are nearly falling over with hunger and trying not to drink too much while waiting for the meal to begin.
I was at one wedding where they provided canapes and some piano playing while the photos were being taken, and that was nice.

squoosh Thu 17-Jan-13 12:42:53

Love to elope, definitely not to Vegas though. Ugh.

squoosh Thu 17-Jan-13 12:42:20

I agree that people are too conformist when it comes to weddings. Strong, opinionated people become oddly submissive to the Big Book of Wedding Rules. It's nice to see people mix it up.

CaseyShraeger Thu 17-Jan-13 12:41:27

We had a grand total of five formal group photos taken at our wedding (there wasn't room to fit everyone in one photo so we had all the male guests then all the female guests; then we had the whole wedding party, both immediate families together, and both sets of parents together), and popped out later during dinner to have a couple of posed photos (two setups and about four photographs) of the two of us together. No one had to stand around bored or hungry.

SaladIsMyFriend Thu 17-Jan-13 12:40:00

I agree totally with Rhubarb too. I advise anyone who mentions getting married to go to Vegas and just do it, and have a lovely holiday at the same time.

squoosh Thu 17-Jan-13 12:39:58

atthewelles the bride and groom go off to have their photos taken but it doesn't interfere with the other guests enjoyment as far as I'm aware. Normally happens at the venue so people are busy chatting and mingling.

I don't need the bride and groom in my line of sight at all times in order to hav a good time. The photo thing only bores me if I'm actually in the wedding party.

atthewelles Thu 17-Jan-13 12:38:06

I agree with Rhubarb. An awful lot of weddings seem to be about ticking boxes with a checklist compiled from all the other weddings the bride has been to. Fair enough, if that's what you want and you can afford it.
But it is sad to see people putting off getting married for years because they can't afford expensive chair covers and a four course meal for 150 guests and three bridesmaids etc. or getting themselves into huge debt to pay for these things.
There are lots of ways to make the day special without spending an absolutel fortune. But loads of people seem to feel a wedding day won't be a proper event if they don't spend thousands of pounds on making it identical to every other wedding the guests have been to.

THERhubarb Thu 17-Jan-13 12:22:46

I am a cynic Thumbwitch and all around me I just see people trying to conform. Everyone has to have the latest gadget. People are up at 6am on Boxing Day to be first at the sales. Parents will do anything to get their child the latest must-have toy for Christmas.
I am pleased there are still exceptions but I reckon the majority of people succumb to the pressure to conform. Those around you may not as we choose our friends who generally live the same kind of lives we do.

My brothers and sisters all had the same 90s kind of weddings with large permed hair, blancmange dresses, dozens of similarly attired bridesmaids and all had their receptions in the Church hall with a hired DJ and a buffet.

I've been to other weddings including church weddings and hotel weddings and most were a drag. They didn't feel personal, they felt formal and staged.

Actually there was one, he had been wed before and they had their reception at a local cricket club. The food was provided by family, I think there was a band and the families knew how to have a good time. It wasn't a wedding that took itself seriously at all, it was a celebration and I think that's what missing with many weddings. They are all too caught up with tradition and formality and pleasing everyone that they forget they are supposed to celebrate. Hence the bride and groom are the ones still sober who retire early, shattered after their stressful day.

ComposHat Belgium Thu 17-Jan-13 12:15:40

yep photos photos always photos . hours of the things. 'can we have all the bride's family who have brown eyes, a pet cat and and two or more vowels in their middle name in this shot please.

Everyone else stands around bored out of their tiny minds. for this reason there will be no photographer at our wedding. We feel that expecting people yo stand around for hours bored and hungry to be rude in the extreme.

atthewelles Thu 17-Jan-13 12:06:39

Seriously Squoosh? That is my abiding memory of most of the weddings I've been to - the bride and groom disappearing for ages to have zillions of photos taken.

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