To not want to have any more sex with my DP because of his beer belly?

(143 Posts)
nevermindthebuzzcocks Fri 11-Jan-13 17:49:43

Basically, it's his choice if he wants to drink beer and have a big belly because of it. I still love him and he is still my best friend. I love him, unconditionally however, I cannot fancy him unconditionally.

Would it be too mean to say no more sex until we can do it the way I want to instead of having to take his belly into account all the time?

Please don't just use this as an excuse to be really rude about him and make jokes about him - I do still love him very much, I just don't enjoy sex now his belly is big. sad

Bellerophon Tue 15-Jan-13 11:22:04

Part of the problem here is the comparative element - the fact that the OP has made an effort in the last two months, and he hasn't. And she clearly resents that.

Are we really saying here that people with beer bellies can't have missionary sex where the man is on top?!! Clearly not. There are plenty of 20-stone gentleman making excellent love to their size 20 wives, and more power to them both I say.

I appreciate your candour, and I'm not having a go, but I do think YABU only from the perspective that you think "talking to him" (while witholding sex) will make things work.

No one likes being lectured. He's clearly either not happy with himself in some way and resorting to comforts he knows, or maybe trapped in a cycle. Get outdoors, do things together, find a way to change his metabolism without looking like you're changing him.

YANBU to not have sex with someone you don't fancy. But I don't like the thought that both partners have to maintain a weight ratio of some sort in order to continue a sexual relationship. Mothers gain weight during pregnancy, yet expect husbands to fancy them on either side of birth even if it takes two years to return to their former shape. People's metabolisms change, it's part of life..

fuckwittery Tue 15-Jan-13 10:49:28

ahem. i haven't namechanged for this but I find it quite pleasurable when DH gains weight and has a beer belly, when I'm on top it rubs rather nicely just in the right place. Try it - just thought I'd throw that in there!

Voiceofthevoiceless Tue 15-Jan-13 10:30:32

Yanbu my wife got fat so I told her no sex until you loose weight as I couldn't maintain an erection around her.... she's talking about divorce now which I think is her being unreasonable. I have six pack abs and she is overweight its hardly fair, as soon as we got married she piled the pounds on as if she didn't have to make any effort anymore!

DizzyZebra Mon 14-Jan-13 05:01:36

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I wouldn't fancy my OH if he got fat. It's not something i find attractive. I make an effort to keep my body in shape and i nearly always look good. I would be hurt if he didn't make the same effort. I'd probably end therelationship if he refused because i would take it as a confirmation that i'm not worth the effort.

nevermindthebuzzcocks Sun 13-Jan-13 23:57:22

Thanks FDM for the proper word. I have found some really interesting stuff on google about Omentum. Some of it scares me to death.

I am genuinly concerned for his health too - as his best friend I should be being more forceful about this.

i hope i can't be compared with a man who refuses sex with a size 12 woman in a cold hearted way sad. i will pop over to relationships now to have a look.

CabbageLeaves Sun 13-Jan-13 21:56:02

Why would I tell a size 12 to stop eating cream cakes when there is nothing to suggest she does anyway?

Why would you not see alcohol abuse as a problem?

GiveMeSomeSpace Sun 13-Jan-13 21:48:49

Agreed 100% Hyva and JaquelineHyde

As is all to often the case, objectivity is in short supply here

soulresolution Sun 13-Jan-13 20:14:33

Wrong all round hyva and jaquelineHyde.

Despite the wording of the title it became clear after a few posts that the real problem here is the dh's attitude to his own body. He hates it so much that he refuses to have sex in any way other than with her on top and is paranoid about her touching or referring to the belly in any way. This has taken all the pleasure and affection out of sex for her - understandably - and hence her wondering if it would BU to refuse to do it any more. He also constantly says that he will do something about his weight issues but then can't seem to go through with it which I'm sure anyone would find really frustrating.

The situation on the other thread, where the partner is rejecting the op in a cold and cruel way, is quite different.

JaquelineHyde Sun 13-Jan-13 18:36:12

Hyva I agree with you.

And unless we have seen both people involved we have no idea how big they are at all so we can't all start screaming about how a 12 isn't fat and that the beer belly is huge!

But as is usual on MN the man is a bastard and the op should leave him for not wanting to have sex with her, but the op of this thread gets tea and sympathy and the fat man must be given the ultimatum and stop putting the beer can to his mouth....Maybe Cabbage you could pop on the other thread and suggest the op stops putting the cream cake in her mouth angry

CabbageLeaves Sun 13-Jan-13 17:55:53

I think there is a world of difference between extreme weight gain thru' beer and pregnancy.

A size 12(other thread) is not comparable to the OPs DH.

Two separate issues.

----——

I also find all the suggestions that OP does all the weight loss work and motivating. Encouraging and supporting...yes. He needs to stop putting a beer can to his mouth. Simple step. for him

scaredbutexcited Sun 13-Jan-13 16:17:46

I think a constructive talk about how much you love him and why you are concerned would be good. I think an ultimatum would be unfair and counterproductive.

Thinking about it from my perspective, I am now six months pregnant and have a massive belly! I would be devasted if my DH said "no more sex" until after I had dieted following the birth. (I know pregnancy different to drinking beer but it may well take a while to get back to "normal" afterwards.)

SashaSashays Sun 13-Jan-13 14:27:44

Hyva, I saw the thread on relationships and there are quite a few differences.

Primarily the other OP is a size 12 so not even fat, this OP says her husband has such a large belly that its getting in the way of the physical act.

Also this OP is trying to help her husband rather than just saying too fat, don't want him anymore. He hasn't accepted help, won't change and seems to think its not that bigger deal despite its ruined their sex life. She also still wants to be with him and ays she loves him.

It's a different situation, although yes it is typical mn contradictions to some degree.

HyvaPaiva Sun 13-Jan-13 14:08:40

The amount of 'YANBU' on here is shocking to me. I don't understand how physical imperfection stops you wanting sex with the person you are in love with.

There is a current thread in the reverse (the OP's husband says SHE is too fat for sex) and the posters are saying 'leave the bastard!' Yet on here, everyone's supporting you, OP. It's the same scenario, why so different a response?

OP, focus on working together to get him fit and healthy, that's a great plan. Your feelings are deeper than the physical and you love your DH. For a beer belly to get in the way and stop you wanting sex is sad, particularly for your DH. I feel really sad for your DH and for the OP of the other thread. I'm afraid I think YABU.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 13-Jan-13 12:31:33

If hes embarrassed, then help him with it, go out for walks, eat healthily, have a chat about his drinking, and agreed a weekly limit, get fit together and you'll both a much closer, healthier couple.

Dont demand things and say no sex, because this will damage his confidence even more.

Do a Google on the omentum (the proper name for the beer belly) and get him to read about the possible health issues that go along with having a big one (omentum, of course wink).

He's obviously self conscious about it and would prefer not to have it. Exercise won't do a lot to get rid of it, I'm afraid, but a change in diet and what he drinks will. I would recommend (and I'm not a dietician or a doctor, I just have a husband with a belly, and have recently shed one myself) looking into low carb ways of eating, and swapping the beer for spirits with sugar free mixers.

There's a book called 'Wheat Belly' (I forget who wrote it) which might be worth a read. Cutting out wheat products (including beer) would probably bring the quickest results.

I sympathise with the way you feel about his belly - perhaps approaching it from a health perspective would take some of the more emotional aspects out of the discussion? Best of luck, it's not an easy topic to bring up in a way that doesn't put extra pressure on him and make him resistant to change.

nevermindthebuzzcocks Sun 13-Jan-13 10:04:52

Thanks to all of you who have shared your stories. I'm so grateful to those who said I had a fair point. Those of you who felt I was being unreasonable - fair enough, I accept that it may come across that way.

Just waiting for the right moment to have a really good talk to him. X

I sympathise too, op. .
DH also has a beer belly now. I adore him physically and always have. However, he is self conscious of it, and this can be off- putting, but more off putting is the thought - if you don't like it, why not try to change it?
I think the way to go is to encourage the healthier lifestyle and be clear, say its affecting your relationship and what can you do together to change that...

Darkesteyes Sat 12-Jan-13 21:33:26

IfNot i gained weight AFTER being rejected by my husband over a number of years. So sometimes it happens the other way round too.
After losing ten stone i had a long term affair. The guy i had the affair with wasnt what you would call conventionally good looking. But My God the chemistry and connection between us was electric. I kept the weight off during my affair because i had a reason to. OM and i split 5 years ago and i comfort ate after my affair ended. I am now trying to put it right.
I guess what im saying is when you hear a man saying he is no longer attracted to his wife because she has gained weight, dont always assume he is telling the truth. He could have rejected her first.
I thought my situation was unique until i posted on here 18 months ago. Then i found out that it wasnt.

OohIsThatAFlake Sat 12-Jan-13 21:31:59

I hear you. Same situation with me. Two years ago,after the birth of dc2 I made a determined effort to slim down and more importantly, get healthy. I went from a size 14 to now a size 6 but husband has remained at 16 stone. Quite frankly, he is too heavy on me to have sex. Tis difficult. And I sympathise x

I think there is more to this issue than the size of your dh belly op. I have a dh with a big round belly and he is slightly shorter than me. However we have a healthy sex life and no issue seeing each other naked, touching etc. years of practice mean we know each others 'preferences'. Imo good sex is not about perfect bodies slotting together like jigsaw pieces, it is a good connection on an emotional and imaginative level.

I worry about dh health and want him to lose weight and yes i would find that more attractive, but I still enjoy sleeping with him as he is now. Sexual rejection is hard for anyone to deal with, I understand the lessening of your attraction but it is a sad situation for you both.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sat 12-Jan-13 21:14:35

I can understand this. And men do stop fancying their partners due to weight gain, all the time. They might not say it, but they do.
I think the problem is an alchohol dependency, and the fact that it is making him uptight and weird about sex.
I have been with men of all shapes and sizes, in fact the guy who was the best in bed was also, objectively, the one with the biggest belly and the "ugliest " face. I thought he was ace. This was mainly due to the fact that he had bags of confidence and no massive ego getting in the way. And he was a genius at oral sex grin
Self consciousness and ego are the enemies of great sex, more than bellies.
If I were you I would shower him with love and reassurance. That is far more likely to help him change his ways than reminding him of his shortcomings.
You love him. Be his friend, be on his side and help him feel better if you can. If he needs more than this, get him in touch with a counsellor or group who may be able to help with his drinking.

CabbageLeaves Sat 12-Jan-13 20:58:25

The drinking is the issue. Only your DP can tackle this.

All you can manage is your reaction to it. You should never have sex out of obligation or as a favour to demonstrate your commitment.

He obviously isn't committed enough to stop downing pints of beer.

nevermindthebuzzcocks Sat 12-Jan-13 20:48:53

If the shoe was on the other foot I think I'd make the effort for him. God, I'd hate someone to be making love to me and wishing I had a smaller belly or whatever!

To answer the question regarding affection, we do hold hands and snuggle on the sofa BUT he has started putting a cushion over his belly which has the effect of making it larger. We don't always sleep in the same bed because he now snores - again this never happened before.

We do have bikes and we do sometimes go for bike rides with our children but again it is rare. TBH he could do an hour on a bike = great and them come home and drink 8 cans of beer = what was the fucking point of the bike ride.

Sorry if you have posted and I've not answered - I'm reading all the posts and am very grateful for your comments - it's just that I'm on my phone so struggle to name check.

Ps. We did go for councelling years ago regarding another matter and his drinking was touched on then. I fear I'm going to have to suggest more councelling.

biff23 Sat 12-Jan-13 13:35:45

Tell him how you feel. I tell my dh if he's eating too much junk or is getting chunkier, likewise he's mentioned to me too. We support one another on eating healthier and exercising. I've suffered with my weight all my life and work really hard to control it, it's a constant battle but I fight it for me first and foremost. I really don't think it's wrong to broach with a partner, if my dh was to gain loads of weight it would really affect our relationship.

Neither of us are skinny, we are average build and I have plenty wobbly wobbly bits but it would get out of hand if we let it slide.

HaphazardTophat Sat 12-Jan-13 13:07:31

May I ask if it is just sex that is the problem? Are you and your partner still otherwise affectionate, snuggle up on the sofa, hold hands, kiss etc?

Also is the no touching/looking at his abdomen rule his idea or yours?

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