To not want to have any more sex with my DP because of his beer belly?

(143 Posts)
nevermindthebuzzcocks Fri 11-Jan-13 17:49:43

Basically, it's his choice if he wants to drink beer and have a big belly because of it. I still love him and he is still my best friend. I love him, unconditionally however, I cannot fancy him unconditionally.

Would it be too mean to say no more sex until we can do it the way I want to instead of having to take his belly into account all the time?

Please don't just use this as an excuse to be really rude about him and make jokes about him - I do still love him very much, I just don't enjoy sex now his belly is big. sad

JamieandtheMagicTorch Fri 11-Jan-13 19:53:26

If he is indeed depressed, doyou think he would be able to acknowledge the fact, OP?

And if he's depressed, the alcohol will be a complicating factor.

HollyBerryBush Fri 11-Jan-13 20:11:04

I find this thread so sad,i really do.

DH has lost 10 stone between February 12 and now, so I kinda see where the OP is not coming from pardon the pun, and yes the bedroon gymnastics are a lot easier - but I never ever stopped fancying him.

MrsMelons Fri 11-Jan-13 20:15:15

YANBU, you can't help it whether you fancy him or not.

My DH is starting to put on weight (through depression and other issues) but he is very aware of it and unhappy about it. I still fancy him completely but I do worry that if it carried on then I may not. I worry about the same thing but he has aways fancied me regardless but I have issues around eating/weight so I work hard to keep my weight down. I am very insecure about it myself but him being overweight has never bothered me - he gets upset that I think that he would be bothered about my weight.

He is also quite a bit older than me so I do worry about his health as it is all round his belly which is the most unhealthy place for it to be. Also heart problems run in the family so it is a worry.

I have dropped some hints but he knows thank goodness. It may be that I would fancy him unconditionally but I am not sure how anyone could guarantee that would be the case until it happens.

specialsubject Fri 11-Jan-13 20:20:46

can only really help with the science: alcohol is a carbohydrate, chemically speaking - a simple one, lots of sugar, no nutrition.

he's taking in too many calories and not doing enough exercise, which is why he is putting on weight.

we all change as we age, but to let yourself go like this is not good. Something else going on?

hope you can sort it. But it seems to be all about what HE wants at the moment.

MrsLouisTheroux Fri 11-Jan-13 20:32:34

Here's your OP written from a DH point of view. I have swopped beer for chocolate and 'him' for 'her':

"Basically, it's her choice if she wants to eat chocolate and have a big belly because of it. I still love her and she is still my best friend. I love her, unconditionally however, I cannot fancy her unconditionally.

Would it be too mean to say no more sex until we can do it the way I want to instead of having to take her belly into account all the time?

Please don't just use this as an excuse to be really rude about her and make jokes about her - I do still love her very much, I just don't enjoy sex now her belly is big.

I wonder how many people would say YANBU if a man had written this?

superstarheartbreaker Fri 11-Jan-13 20:38:35

I do think if you loved him enough you would overlook the belly ...hmmm. I think obviously you fell in love with a much slimmer him but was it his body you fell in love with or his mind? I guess it is always a micture of both but I often think over time a physical love should evolve to a more emotional/spiritual love but mabe I am living in cloud cuckoo land? Just think how will you feel when he gets wrinkly and looses his looks.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 11-Jan-13 20:39:22

FWIW; I lost a lot of wieght and felt amazing; i have put it back on again and feel fat and unattractive so kinda know what you mean.

superstarheartbreaker Fri 11-Jan-13 20:42:36

Trouble is if a man was posting this about a women there is no way any of you would suggest that she loose wieght is there?

TheEarlOfDoncaster1963 Fri 11-Jan-13 20:49:12

Totally sympathise, OP. YANBU.

BunFagFreddie Fri 11-Jan-13 20:53:17

I think it would be perfectly valid from a man's point of view. You can't make yourself fancy someone and OP has already said that the problems go beyond his physical appearance. Everyone knows that the aging process is inevitable, but OP is talking about her DP choosing to abuse his body with food and drink and bugger the consequences and how she feels about the relationship. His selfish attitude is the real problem here.

If he is depressed and has a drinking problem he needs help of course, but OP isn't saying that she doesn't love him and won't support him.

The drinking alone would be a deal breaker for a lot of people.

MrsLouisTheroux Fri 11-Jan-13 21:01:09

BunFag I'm not saying it wouldn't be valid but I'm betting MN response would be different.

Just imagine the uproar if a man replied to this thread with:
YANBU OP, my DW eats loads of chocolate and her massive backside is a real turn off. But I still love her

SirBoobAlot Fri 11-Jan-13 21:03:13

You can't force yourself to find someone attractive. You can adore them, and still not want to jump into bed with them. And if someone is putting those kind of constraints on your sex life, then that is a huge turn off in itself.

However, both what he is doing, and the way he is reacting to your concerns, suggests that there is more than just a beer belly going on here. Sounds like he needs some professional help for his mood and weight, and possibly his alcohol consumption as well.

BunFagFreddie Fri 11-Jan-13 21:13:41

MrsLouisTheroux, he would get get the shit ripped out of him for sure!

There's more than a big belly going on here, like SirBoobAlot says. I think the belly is a very tangible, physical thing that OP can say is a definite problem, but her partner clearly has issues that are not so straightforward. So, it's easier to blame it on the gut!

I can understand, it seems shallow, but it's not all about sex and his appearance. That's just the manifestation of a deeper problem. Sorry if that getting all over analytical, it's the best way I can think of explaining it.

piratecat Fri 11-Jan-13 21:15:08

so it's more to do with the fact he's choosing beer over you generally? the money spent, the cans piling up. the belly growing.

ArtemisatBrauron Fri 11-Jan-13 21:19:19

YANBU - you can't force yourself to fancy someone! I also agree with the people who've suggested that it's about more than the belly - you mention feeling like he chooses beer over you and that must be very hurtful, as well as obviously being concerned about his health issues and potential depression etc.

Sorry not to be able to offer any useful advice - I'd think about suggesting to him that he see someone about his drinking, it sounds like it's getting out of control if it's causing all these problems between you.

DadDancer Fri 11-Jan-13 21:32:07

Very true superstarheartbreaker and MrsLouisTheroux. If a bloke came on here with the same dilemma then he would be absolutely crucified and probably banned from Mumsnet. Us men are always being criticized for being shallow and judgmental of looks, but i think in reality it is the other way around. Also i don't believe drinking alone causes a beer belly, check out the regulars at your local. Are they fat? they certainly aren't around these parts!

HollyBerryBush Fri 11-Jan-13 21:39:06

Sometimes I think women are just too picky - 3 stone, whislt a good old set of love handles on a bloke, doesn't stop any sexual position I can think of. Three stone on a woman, because they are built differently - it can be quite inhibiting. But that comes down to socail conditioning rather than ability to perform the act

TBH with you Dad Dancer, Like you I know a fair few blokes who have the ability to sink way over limits every night, they remain within the BMI parameters for healthy - but those sorts of blokes are manual workers and its taken off during the day. Office workers who drink the same and are sedentary tend to bloat up. I'll factor in I don't know one woman with 2+ children who has managed to keep a perfect 10, even they suffer aging and increase to a 12 no matter how much effort in the gym is made. Shapes shift, thats nature.

OP your dh is pretty much the same height and weight as mine, my dh us probably 5 stone heavier than when I met him. I should point out I am no skinny little thing (am size 14-16) although I was the same when we met.
I have never really changed how I look at him , he is the only man I have ever had sex with actually the only man I have ever seen naked! I just see him and think "great it's dh!" Not "look at his arse!" Or " he better lose weight". To me your problem is deeper than just a weight issue .

Booboostoo Fri 11-Jan-13 21:54:47

To be honest OP it doesn't sound like this is about the belly. The way you talk about the belly (it getting in the way, neither of you being comfortable touching it or looking at it) makes it sound like you have deeper problems relating to each other.

People who have a healthy relationship don't stop fancying each other because one person's appearance changes slightly. They fancy each other because they are into each others' personalities and their relationship is in a place where sex is an expression of deeper feelings.

I can see why one would reject a one night stand because of a beer belly, but not a long term, loving and loved partner. I think you may have issues with his attitude to other things (his depression? a perception of him letting himself go? a perception of him not making a small effort to make himself attractive to you? a perception of him not looking after his health? an annoyance that you lost the weight but he can't be bothered?) rather than the belly.

How you have sex sounds disfunctional in itself, it's not just about the belly. Plenty of people manage to work round different body shapes, but not being able to look or touch parts of your partner's body seems to me a sign of deeper problems.

I hope I have not upset you, I don't mean to.

Iggly Fri 11-Jan-13 21:55:42

I'll factor in I don't know one woman with 2+ children who has managed to keep a perfect 10 I have 2 and I have. I know plenty of mums who have managed to keep in shape.

JumpingJackSprat Fri 11-Jan-13 22:25:58

My opinion would be the same whether a man or woman posted the OP. if one partner is restricting the sex life of the other to one position with no variation because of an issue they had no intention of trying to resolve, i would have sympathy with the person who isnt causing the problem but is expected to put up with it regardless.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Fri 11-Jan-13 22:37:04

Yanbu. You are not a machine and you should not be expected to have sex unless it is something that you want to do. I can't believe that anyone would want you to or think that yabu sad

Darkesteyes Fri 11-Jan-13 23:09:02

I don't know one woman with 2+ children who has managed to keep a perfect 10, even they suffer aging and increase to a 12 no matter how much effort in the gym is made. Shapes shift, thats nature.
Increase to a whole size 12.
Wow the subscriptions to Closer magazine seem to have increased by the sounds of things.

NoSquirrels Fri 11-Jan-13 23:09:07

YANBU. Anything like me and you'll have tried to soft- soap it for years, realising what a sensitive issue it is and how badly any criticism could be taken - how counterproductive, even - but I wish now I' d pushed it ... he' s now staring possibly nasty health consequences in the face and I'm ANGRY at DP for not sorting it sooner. Those who think OP is unreasonable I understand but sadly I think this is one of those got to be there to get it situations.

My best advice - be cruel to be kind. Tell him you''re terrrified about health consequences and that it's also very unattractive, sexually and emotionally. He should care you''re not attracted to him physically or his attitude.

Good luck.

nevermindthebuzzcocks Fri 11-Jan-13 23:18:35

Hi, sorry I went off line for a while. Just wanted to say that I do totally get that some people would feel that if a man said this about a woman it would be considered wrong. Personally I think it works the other way too. We can't choose what makes us feel or not feel sexy. If I could still fancy him I'd be delighted. I look at photos from maybe a decade ago and I could weep because I'll never make love to that man again.

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