To not want to have any more sex with my DP because of his beer belly?

(143 Posts)
nevermindthebuzzcocks Fri 11-Jan-13 17:49:43

Basically, it's his choice if he wants to drink beer and have a big belly because of it. I still love him and he is still my best friend. I love him, unconditionally however, I cannot fancy him unconditionally.

Would it be too mean to say no more sex until we can do it the way I want to instead of having to take his belly into account all the time?

Please don't just use this as an excuse to be really rude about him and make jokes about him - I do still love him very much, I just don't enjoy sex now his belly is big. sad

nevermindthebuzzcocks Fri 11-Jan-13 18:21:38

"I've put on weight over the years, bigger than I used to be, mainly gone on my stomach. DH says he won't have sex with me till I lose weight ."

See what I am saying OP?

No I don't really.

BunFagFreddie Fri 11-Jan-13 18:23:49

If it's getting in the way of the physical act like that he must have a large beer belly.

You can't force yourself to be attracted to something you're not. It also sounds like you've been completely honest with him, but he's not prepared to deal with the issue.

I'm going to really stick my neck out here and prepare myself for a potential flaming... I can totally see where you're coming from, and it would turn me off even more if my DP seemed to make no effort to change. It's not about what happens when you get old and grey, we all age, you've asked him to work on this aspect of your relationship and he has made no effort at all to meet you half way.

LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas Fri 11-Jan-13 18:24:43

Have you tried more sex? If he needs exercise and doesn't believe you will want more.

ScubaSarah Fri 11-Jan-13 18:25:08

I think YABU. I get you're concerned about his health and aren't as keen on Cowgirl - both reasonable concerns. But like one earlier poster said once you're in a committed relationship then intimacy is about so much more than feeling physically attracted to your DP.
I'd also be far more concerned about the root cause of the drinking and wanting to help him fix that than add to worry with such an ultimatum.

Whether someone eats too much, drinks too much or in any other way doesn't look out for their health fully they have to want to change it for themselves not to meet an ultimatum.

Talk to him and maybe suggest some counselling so he can figure out why he drinks so much?

Good luck

HecatePropolos Fri 11-Jan-13 18:25:42

That description really doesn't sound very intimate at all. No wonder you'd rather not have sex.

Get on top. bob up and down. Don't look at me. Don't touch me.

It's more about a physical release (probably more him than you grin ) than actual

I hate myself for typing this and shall have to do it in a silly 'voice'

luurrrvemaking

Perhaps you should say that you find this sort of sex deeply unsatisfying and that you don't want to do it any more. If you can't touch him, look at him or anything, then what IS the point?

Can the two of you take up exercise together? Go for long walks? Take up badminton - anything. Doesn't matter what it is as long as it's getting you active.

hpsaucy Fri 11-Jan-13 18:29:47

hmm has he put on much weight in the last year?

Fakebook Fri 11-Jan-13 18:30:52

I think YABU. He's been made to feel embarrassed because of his belly by you. That must be really hard for him to deal with. I don't understand how you can love someone and be put off by them physically? I'm sure I have loads of flaws and so does my DH, but it's never put me off seeing him naked. You seriously have some issues.

nevermindthebuzzcocks Fri 11-Jan-13 18:31:16

He is 6 foot tall and probably about 3/4 stone heavier than he should be. the rest of his body is great. he has a lovely little bum, chunky muscley legs and lovely arms. Then in the middle of his body there is a great big solid belly (like a third trimester pregnancy belly). sex literally revolves around the belly.

nevermindthebuzzcocks Fri 11-Jan-13 18:31:53

that's 3 or 4 stone not three-quarters of a stone!

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 18:33:22

OP, absolutely YANBU for not wanting to have sex with somebody and YWDNBU to not do it out of duty, which is kind of where you would be if you listened to many other posters who have said 'it's just about love etc'

I would not want to have sex with somebody if I was not attracted to them either.

All other things considered, it sounds as though he has real health problems and actually needs to lose weight in order to prevent future obesity-related morbidities and I know it's easier said than done, but could you perhaps encourage him to go for a check-up - get weighed, blood pressure and lipids etc., maybe do the same and see what other issues if any crop up?

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 18:34:34

Fakebook of course you can love someone and not be physically attracted to them!

hpsaucy Fri 11-Jan-13 18:36:54

does he know that you don't like his belly?

Dozer Fri 11-Jan-13 18:37:52

Since you are no longer sexually attracted to him, and he seems unwilling or unable to lose the weight, do you still want to be with him?

Know someone who ended a relationship because of similar thing: they are both now married and have a baby: she with someone healthier; he with someone who doesn't mind his drinking habit/weight.

JumpingJackSprat Fri 11-Jan-13 18:37:52

yanbu where is the fun in sex for you if thats all he will tolerate. i think i would be majorly turned off too for that rather than the belly. it sounds like he is letting it get in the way ... ie his confidence is restricting what youre "allowed" to do in bed. i wouldnt be happy.

nevermindthebuzzcocks Fri 11-Jan-13 18:38:13

fakebook I don't think i have issues. i said from the start that i love him unconditionally i just can't feel sexy about a big solid belly. i'm not asking him to get abs and a six pack just to be a bit flatter.

hpsaucy the belly has developed over the last erm.... maybe 7 years.

He has suffered from depression over the years and i know he drinks beer for all the wrong reasons.

lovesbeingathomeforchristmas he has said on so many occasions that what he needs is more exercise nudge nudge and maybe i should have more sex to help him lose the weight but to be honest that is crap - he needs to stop drinking beer and eating fucking peanuts in the first place.

LaurieBlueBell Fri 11-Jan-13 18:39:02

What BunFagFreddie said.

I don't think you are BU at all op. If you approached your dh to start with in a sensitive way and he didn't listen I would say he is the one being U. Physical attraction is important. Is your dh depressed?. Why do you think he drinks so much?.

Is there anything you could do together that would encourage him to be healthier whilst bringing some togetherness back into your relationship?.

nevermindthebuzzcocks Fri 11-Jan-13 18:40:32

I still want to be with him. he is a good father, a good husband and my best friend. If i didn't love him so much i wouldn't continue to have sex despite feeling the way i do.

manicbmc Fri 11-Jan-13 18:41:37

My ex used to say it was my weight that made him have erectile dysfunction. That I no longer turned him on. It couldn't possibly have been how he had abused his body with drink for 30 years. hmm

All this ate away at my confidence, made me depressed and comfort eat and drink. It was a vicious cycle.

I broke the cycle by getting rid of the exh and finding a lovely man 10 years younger than me who loves me unconditionally and makes me feel great about myself.

So OP, YABVVU indeed.

nevermindthebuzzcocks Fri 11-Jan-13 18:42:11

He's had check ups and been told to lose weight. he's made plans to diet, exercise etc. We've talked about exercising together. i've offered to help him lose weight, i offered to go teetotal with him. see i'm not such a bloody bitch, am I!!!???*

DontmindifIdo Fri 11-Jan-13 18:44:32

I think you need to stop talking about his body in terms of sex and start talking about his health, that you are worried about him and you don't want to be one of those old woman who's on her own because her DH died a good decade or so before her due to not looking after his health.

Then say would he be prepared to think about getting healthier and losing a little weight for you? Start small, suggest he cuts out the snacks, or eats healthier ones. If you could get him on lower calorie drinks that would be good too.

Then once you've had a few weeks and got some results, start talking about how much more sexy he looks. Telling him he's unattractive isn't an incentive, getting him to lose a little weight then being complimentary would be more likely to work longer term.

nevermindthebuzzcocks Fri 11-Jan-13 18:46:01

manicbmc I'm sorry you got stuck in that vicious cycle and i'm glad to hear you now have a lovely new partner.

ps. would you still fancy that new partner if he developed a big old belly on him and it changed the way you made love? just asking cos you think i'm VVU.

DamnBamboo Fri 11-Jan-13 18:46:12

Your ex was abusive manic and projecting that here is not relevant or helpful

SashaSashays Fri 11-Jan-13 18:47:30

I don't think there is anything really wrong with what you're saying, I think you should tell him.

If you don't want to have sex with him, for whatever reason, you shouldn't.

You just have to be prepared for him to be upset.

Also how would you feel if the ultimatum doesn't then spur him into action? Will it make you feel he maybe doesn't care enough about your sex life to change and how hurtful that is or do you think you will go back on your word. Am not saying he won't change but you do need to think about where this will lead.

If DH said this to me, I would think it was coming to the end of our relationship.

manicbmc Fri 11-Jan-13 18:49:48

True but it hits a raw nerve.

Tbh my dp has put on a few pounds due to me feeding him stews and cakes but I love him just the same. He could put on more weight and it wouldn't bother me at all. Of course if he had health issues because of that then I would worry about him.

Maybe if you'd worded this in an 'I'm concerned for my husband's health and want him to lose weight' way instead of making it about sex and how he looks?

WhatchuTalkinBoutPhyllis Fri 11-Jan-13 18:52:56

From what you have described YANBU.

I fail to see how anyone can have sex with someone they arent sexually attracted to.

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