Mumsnet Talk

namechanged
been with dh 11 years 4 ds 10,9,4 and 2.
2 years ago dh decided he wanted to quit work and go to uni full time (he is the main earner) he was offered a place on the condition that he passed the exam, he failed the exam and was told what he needed to do to ensure he would be accepted next time he applied. Anyway 2 years later and he has done nothing but thinks he will be accepted this year
I have had various part-time jobs and done several college courses since having my dc, since having my youngest dc I have been a sahm but kept my hand in doing voluntary work and extra courses. For me to progress further and do the job I really want to do I need a degree. I have mentioned this to my dh and he says I am selfish and its his turn to study and my turn to work full-time and that I would not be able to cope with a full-time degree as I am unorganized and all over the place
We have had lots of ups and downs the past few years and at one point split for a while, I was left skint with a mortgage, debts and the children to support while he buggered off partying with his mates and other women.
Obviously we have since got back together, I never want to find myself in that position again and want to be able to support myself and dc.
AIBU to think fuck him, if he really wanted to go to university that much he would have done everything to achieve this, also he doesn't know what job he wants after doing a degree. AIBU to apply for the degree I want to do (only a week to go for applying) and put myself and dc first.

YANBU. You only get one life. While consideration of our nearest and dearest is always important, you have to be true to yourself first. Your DC's welfare primarily rests on your life it seems, and the relationship hasn't been that stable. Definitely prioritise your own needs first.

YANBU - If he doesn't know what job he wants to do why does he need to do a degree?x

You sound like you don't really like or respect each other

YADNBU

In the light of:
at one point split for a while, I was left skint with a mortgage, debts and the children to support while he buggered off partying with his mates and other women

Hewas lucky you let him back. The last 4 lines of your post sum up perfectly the way forward.

If he really wanted to go he's had 2 years to sort it out, I'd say that was long enough and he's not done it so he needs to figure out what else he's going to do!

What's he doing now, if you're a SAHM, just not working?

Can you agree to both apply, if he's not going to pass the exam, then it's not an issue for him as he doesn't get to go until he passes...

Obviously, long term, you need to be thnking about leaving him as it sounds like you don't like him and he doesn't respect you.

If he's done nothing at all to try and pass the necessary exam then I doubt this year's application will go any better. However, he is now able to control your ambitions by making the ridiculous claim that it is "his turn" to study. If he was that keen to go to university he'd had done something positive to get there. As I read it, he's had his chance and blown it.

So don't be emotionally blackmailed into not applying yourself. Put your application in and good luck with it.

Why can't he study part time with the OU? (For that matter why don't you? Though both at once could be a bit much).

It's great, I'm doing a second degree, for interest, this way. It does demand 12-15 hours a week, so two or three evenings and half a day at the weekend for example, which would have an impact on the family and need to be managed co-operatively. If you all get into a routine it's easier.

Wanting to do a degree that is for interest and fulfilment, not career progression is a massive indulgence if it has an impact on family finance. Could he arrange to work four days a week, so have a study day for example, while continuing to earn and keep his career and future earning potential alive?

From what you say, your degree would enhance your career prospects and earning power, his might well reduce his. Who is being selfish?

YANBU. Go for it, you need to progress yourself to give yourself the best earning potential in the future.

I do Open University, im just about to start my third course, it'd be cheaper than going to full time university.

Was just going to say why doesn't one of you look into doing a degree through OU?

Thanks for your replies
I am currently studying part-time with the OU have been for the past 2 years to get myself into studying at degree level, but to take career path I really want to pursue means having a degree in a certain subject which unfortunately the OU doesn't offer. I have spoken to him about him studying with the OU and he doesn't feel he would be able to and also work full-time. He has worked in the same job for the past 6 years and although he enjoys it (sometimes) the money is crap.
Pandemoniaa- my thoughts exactly

Out of interest why doesn't it sound like I like him or that we both don't respect each other my friend also said this yesterday

Read your op, he thinks you are selfish and you think fuck him

I would amend life's post from 'he thinks you are selfish and you think fuck him' to he thinks you are selfish and you think fuck him, and you are right!

If he can't shift his arse then he is not being fair to you to keep expecting you to carry him, unless there is some reason he's struggling.

Loads of people study with the OU while working ft. Why can't he? He can get himself up to speed for the Uni course he wants by doing one of the OU's starter courses. That way he'll kow whether he can actually do it, and get a taste of whether he really wants to.

What subject is he interesting in?

interested, that should be (though perhaps both are relevant!)

Yes true I am starting to think fuck him, I've been reminding him the deadline is looming for applying and he still hasn't done anything about it think he's actually expecting me to apply for him,
Don't know why he can't work and do OU like you say JUX alot of people do it
I do and look after the dc, home and do voluntary work but apparently that's not the same as working full-time

He's not sure what subject he's interested in, its changed since last time he applied

We doesn't even know what subject he's interested in??? I think he's being a naive dreamer at best and an utter idiot at worst.

I have a plan I have done relevant courses leading up to it, voluntary work in the sector to gain experience. If I start this year when I graduate all my dc will have started school.
He has no plan he thinks he knows round about what subject he's interested in but has no idea what it entails and is totally different from anything he's ever done before.

Surely his deadline for application must be soon too? So why don't you compromise on both applying for your preferred course and then renegotiate once you know if one or both of you has been successful? (I'm guessing that will be you!)

Why don't you apply and see what happens? Don't tell him you're doing it, and dont remind or help him with his application.

He sounds really naive. You sound like you're on the right track.

We both did degrees at the same time. I worked full-time as a hospital manager at the same time. My husband worked part time plus we has kids under 5.
Sounds like you both just need to stop arguing and both get on with it!

Don't let him hold you back (it doesn't sound like you would though, and good luck with your studies)