To have walked off and said nothing to this child/mother?(141 Posts)
Hello. Long time lurker.
Soft play. A girl of what I guessed was 4/5 walked up to my 21mo and totally unprovoked, shoves him in the chest. Hard. I'm biased, but he had done absolutely nothing wrong. Not even looked at her. No toy stealing or anything. He falls backwards onto the floor and bursts into tears (understandably).
Mother/carer of this girl doesn't acknowledge me or DS but takes the girl by the arm and tells her to say sorry. Girl ignores her and walks off. Mother does nothing. Says fuck all to me. Not even an apologetic look. By this time I've picked my son up and I'm trying (unsuccessfully) to calm him down.
I don't suffer fools and normally I would have said something. I was so shocked that I walked off with hysterical DS in tow. If he had done that to another child I would have died. Apologies all round.
Is this normal behaviour? Was her pathetic attempt to make her child show some kind of remorse sufficient and AIBU to think it was not? Should I have said something or was I right to just leave it?
manor thank you- at least half of the threads on AIBU are far more robust than this one. It's probably worth getting deleted for the classic irony of the situation though.
Tbf OP I admire the way you reacted. I can't say for sure I'd have been so calm.
Typical toys out of the pram poster domino, I am surprised mnhq went for it.
If you have delete it because I used the word 'crap' then that is also ridiculous as I have seen plenty of far worse words used.
I am disgusted that my post has been deleted just because someone has thrown their toys put of the pram. In my opinion amps approach is a joke and I resent the idea that she is trying to use tax payers money to promote her doctrine that kids should be allowed to run riot. Mumsnet - please grow a pair.
Funny to see all the deletions on this thread, wonder who's been reporting
Oh the irony
Seriously, it's been really interesting seeing the different takes on this. If it happened to me again I still can't say what I'd do.
It is funny that the strongest advocate of the 'leave them to sort it out themselves' anti intervention approach is the one who has reported posts on the thread to MN, and wants them to step in!
Having seen some real scraps on mn, then I really don't think there is anything here which is 'picking on someone' - it's not even been that much of a heated thread, really.
But even if there was some virtual 'pushing' surely amp should be able to sort it out herself? If toddlers can....
Don't jump into a thread with a strong viewpoint then retreat, whimpering, with your tail between your legs when people react. Shit happens.
Yes if the chi,dren are older ad do not have sn tan they should sort out their own problems to a degree ( unless bullying is involved). Toddlers do not have the understanding or cognitive skills to dirt out disagreements so do need adult intervention
Uptheamp - I think you need to go back and read your posts from an outside perspective. No one here has launched a personal attack except you.
Children should be allowed freedom relative to their age and adults should step in to support and guide them. Deliberately shoving a child in the chest is not acceptable behaviour. It is physical abuse (albeit mild). I'm sure everyone here accepts that children will be accidentally shoved (perhaps because they are in the way) and this is to be expected however in cases of violence an adult needs to intervene appropriately.
I personally hate play centres as I always end up having to go into the multicoloured cage of doom myself and you can just see it crawling with germs and I'm very wary of stealth poo.
I love my children being independent. I think it is HUGELY important to encourage them and equip them to make their own way in the world - as happy, caring children and hopefully the same as adults.
I will not have them bullying or being bullied. I will not stand by while one pre-schooler attacks another, or witness an abusive situation without intervening. I will take responsbility for my children's behaviour and be active as a parent when I need to be.
Not really a controversial view, I don't think.
Uptheramp, I think the problem has come because you said that most children wouldn't bat an eyelid at seeing a 4/5 year old push over a nearly 2 year old, and that they would have to deal with it when they got to school.
These things just aren't true, not in half decent schools anyway.
You implied that no intervention was needed in the situation that OP described, and then went back on that by saying you would intervene. Which is it?
I certainly hope you would intervene if you saw a child pushing over another child, even if they were the same size, never mind when one is much smaller.
Children do need to be taught what is acceptable, and if they are not, that's when they turn into older children that are not very nice people.
Upthump I'd leave my dc with you, I prefer them to be independent then be hovered over and you seem to have lots of common sense. Take no notice of the sheep on here they love getting their claws stuck in and not pick over posts.
uptheamp - feel free to tell me then who/what you were responding to when you said 'really? I think they are perfectly capable. even really young children.'
I think you have been quite clear here about what your approach to small children playing and being very rough with each other is.
I would not want to leave my children in the care of someone with such a laissez faire attitude.
I think we can all understand there's a difference between rough and tumble and deliberately bullying or unacceptably aggressive behaviour. I think it's also fair to accept that very small children should not be expected to display an adult-like control over their emotions and behaviour, because that's not fair or realistic. But that doesn't mean, to me, that therefore we should just 'leave them all to it'. You have given the clear impression of being opposed to any kind of intervention from adults.
Perhaps the fairest thing here is to ask if you want to give an example of when you WOULD intervene in a play situation, and how.
I think teaching your child to sort out disagreements and stand up for themselves in a non aggressive manner is a very very important life skill. Just saying.
my 'why' was to the comment:
uptheamp are you deliberately trying to start an argument? You're sounding like a bit of an arse to be honest.
and i wasn't responding to your comments at all
do you think i deserved the comments then ? have reported one or two as they are personal attacks. not resonable debates.
hate hate hate aibu, attracts people who just want to argue and be abusive
I think the mother should have made her child sit out fo ra while and explained to her why.
I also think the mother was probably consumed by embarrassment.
I think there is something true about what posters have described as soft play area being designed to "hype up" children as it were.
There are always hidden areas where parents cannot see their child.
They are noisy places. The food is full on crap. Total junk food upon junk food. They tend to be like cages encouraging racing around and throwing.
Having said that why should the op leave? Her child did nothing wrong.
I am so glad I don't have to go anymore.
uptheamp - people here are just picking up on what you have said, yourself. If you don't want to be judged on that, don't say it.
Example - I say upthread that 3 year olds 'still need adult input and appropriate supervision'. Your response was simply 'why?'
I responded: 'children are not able to sort out their own problems to any degree if they have not been shown and taught how. Just like they don't learn to talk or read on their own."
You said: "Really? I think they are perfectly capable. even really young children."
So no talk about your views being misrepresented, please. And btw, I would never leave my children to play on a playscheme or whatever it is you run if I knew that was the attitude of the adults 'in charge'.
I do not vilify older children at soft play, if I take ds to the big out of town soft play, it is because I have older dd's (5 and 6) who like going. They understand that you do not push and shove other children and that you are careful around the smaller children. If they did go up to a child and shove it in the chest (as happened in the op) I would tell them off and apologise to the mother. I don't see what is wrong with that.
i just think older children do get villified at soft play by parents when they are just 'playing' of course they should be told off when they are hitting other children etc and i would as a worked interevene
the comments on here towards me have been really upsetting if i am honest and i never really let mn get to me. wonder why i am running these sessions if people think like some of the comments aimed at me on here. perhaps i'll just give up.
Uptheamp, I don't think I have been particularly harsh with you, but I just don't like the implication that if I want my children to use soft play, then I have to suck it up if they get whacked. I know that a certain amount of rough and tumble is to be expected, but some children are more vulnerable than others, and do not understand the idea of sorting out their own problems. if a child takes a toy of ds or whacks him, he just stands and takes it, sometimes he will get upset ( he will scream like a banshee if someone tries to touch him)but he has no idea of how to stand up for himself. I think it is important to intervene in children's play when they lack social communication skills.
I would have felt the same OP.
Normal people would have said sorry for this child's behaviour.
oh and my grandsons other grandma who was there shouted GET OFF MY GRANDSON top of her voice then play gym went very quiet.
my grandson whos 2.7 went to his cousens party at a play gym [still open to public] two boys came up to him one bit his face and the other grabbed him by the neck mothers was sat there drinking never looked up so gs antie complained and they got asked to leave ,nice red mark on face today .
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