To be absolutely livid with DH?

(96 Posts)
JingleUpTheHighway Thu 03-Jan-13 21:26:02

Dd2 is 7 months and has been a nightmare sleeper for the past 3 nights and we are both knackered . It is usual for her to be awake between 12am til 5am the past few nights.

Tonight , I popped to the shop whilst DH put dd2 to bed .

I came home to hear DD2 absolutely screaming , really upset sad

I went straight up to her nursery to find she was sitting crying in her cot .

DH had decided to do a bit of controlled crying without even consenting me ! I'm fucking furious .

I cuddled her to sleep and she was sobbing in her sleep sad . My poor baby .

I agree she needs to be able to sleep better & although i would never judge those that do cc , he knows I don't want to do it .

He thought he would "save me the upset " and do it whilst I was out .

AIBU to kick him on to the couch tonight and snuggle by little baby all night ??!

I'm furious angry

hermioneweasley Thu 03-Jan-13 21:50:54

I can see why you're annoyed but it's not the crime of the century. A one off isn't going to do any damage. He's apologised, move on.

If the cuddling to sleep isn't working for you (ie: she's waking up and needing to be cuddled back to sleep) there does need to be a plan that you both agree on as he is her parent too and entitled to an opinion.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Thu 03-Jan-13 21:51:05

It was a stupid thing to do - hopefully he realises that now.

If you are happy to rock/cuddle her to sleep for a long time to come then do it, but it will contribute to her being unable to settle herself in the night. They need the 'practice' of self settling at bedtime & naps.

Is she showing any signs of a tooth coming through?

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Thu 03-Jan-13 21:51:51

(Megatron - I was hoping I'd see you around smile How did Christmas go for you? How has your new found assertiveness been serving you?? )

cinnamonnut Thu 03-Jan-13 21:53:55

If it was only 5 minutes I can't really see the problem with it.

JingleUpTheHighway Thu 03-Jan-13 21:53:59

Well dd2 has just woke screaming again.

I think you may be right about the new tooth - her gums are hot. Is that a sign ?? confused

(Been a long time since last baby )

catsmother Thu 03-Jan-13 21:55:00

Most babies go through periods when they're bad sleepers. Can fully appreciate you must both feel like death if you've been kept up for 3 nights but it's ridiculous to introduce "controlled crying" after such a short period. Who's to say she won't be okay and settle down tonight, tomorrow, even next week ?

Quite apart from anything he's hardly going to accomplish the whole controlled crying thing in the time it takes you to pop to the shop! ..... "saving you the upset" FFS! .... if it was that easy many many more parents would eagerly embrace the concept wouldn't they. All sleep issues solved in an hour or so. Sounds to me like he simply couldn't be bothered to go through the usual routine in your absence.

And obviously - any scheme for sorting out sleep problems should be discussed and agreed beforehand. Apart from being courteous and respectful, you both need to be on board 100% with whatever method/approach you may or may not decide on because controlled crying can be heart wrenching and infuriating and guilt inducing and worrying etc etc and you need determination to see it through.

I personally think CC is a very personal choice but I went through it with my youngest ..... but when she was almost 2 .... and after we'd gone to a "sleep advisor" (or some such title) at the clinic. She slept through - eventually - but the problem was actually laying her down to sleep. As a younger BF baby who'd fall asleep in my arms she'd wake up screaming 99% of the time when I laid her down. I spent many nights "asleep" sat up in a chair with her in my arms after several attempts at putting her down. Anyway - in the end it was desperation which led me to seek advice from the HV because we were both exhausted and resentful - and I'd always been concerned at CC. I was very wary of it but HV said no-one could say we hadn't tried everything else (adjusting feed times etc). TBH, it was awful for 3 or 4 nights - and I'd warned the neighbours - but then everything clicked and we wondered why we hadn't done it sooner. But of course, whether or not you do ultimately try CC is up to you - and I fully appreciate how daunting/worrying it sounds as I was like that. Just wanted to share in case problems persist .....

.... but really, right now, hopefully your baby is just going through a blip. She might be coming down with a cold for example and it was ridiculous and unkind for your DH to do what he did. You can't do "a bit" of CC because you need to be committed to it, and it's definitely not the sort of thing you make a unilateral decision about. I really do think he couldn't be arsed (maybe he was resentful you were getting "time off" - at the bloody shop !!) and has dressed up his laziness as somehow doing both you and the baby a favour!

Fingers crossed she settles down again soon.

JamieandtheMagiTorch Thu 03-Jan-13 21:55:46

DS2s sleep went all up the spout at this age. Started with teething then continued with habit, I believe.

I did end up doing CC when he was about 16 months.

JamieandtheMagiTorch Thu 03-Jan-13 21:59:00

As and aside, I really, genuinely don't know many people who don't/didn't allow their babies to cry a little when going to sleep. (Not talking about full-scale howling or screaming).

JamieandtheMagiTorch Thu 03-Jan-13 21:59:15

an aside

Badvoc Thu 03-Jan-13 22:04:57

I would be furious too.

StuntGirl Thu 03-Jan-13 22:10:37

YABU, he made a decision you disagreed with, it will happen many times. And sometimes (shock horror) you'll do something he disagrees with. It will not have harmed your baby, you're probably more bothered than she is. YWBVU to make him sleep on the sofa over it.

NotMostPeople Thu 03-Jan-13 22:15:04

Why do you get a greater say? I think you're overreacting.

HollaAtMeBaby Thu 03-Jan-13 22:25:54

YABU. Unless you want your DH to move out so you can snuggle your precious baby all night every night?

People make hasty and at times bad decisions when they are tired and desperate. Let it go.

CordeliaChase Thu 03-Jan-13 23:32:52

Good god, I'm glad my DH was more patient with my parenting choices than you have been op!! My DH works nights, I had DS single handedly for most nights and days. To that end, I urged DS into a routine taking direction from him. I did CC at 5mo, he was exhausted and I was exhausted. After the second night, he was going to he's at 7. I then worked on getting him to stay there for a bit longer, that took about a week. He is now two, and a happy well adjusted child. I'm sure there's been times when I had to put him down and walk out the room when he was a baby, when I was so exhausted I had reached the end of my tether. All parents need a minute sometimes. It doesn't make them a bad person. My DS does not remember how 'mean' I was to leave him in his cot, safe warm and dry. He gets enough love off me all day every day, he is not mentally scarred because his selfish mum did CC at 5 mo hmm

magimedi88 Thu 03-Jan-13 23:39:35

YABU. He is her parent just as much as you are. You are not the sole arbiter of her upbringing.

Move on.

tiggytape Thu 03-Jan-13 23:42:49

I think YABabitU but then you are probably as shattered as DH.

Leaving a baby safe, fed and dry in a cot crying for 5 minutes is not as horrible as you seem to imagine. I agree, if he thinks CC is the way to go then you both have to be on board with it and do it properly (not just shut the door and leg it) but at the same time, I think YABabitU to think that cuddling to sleep is a good long term strategy if you are both sleep deprived. Your DH sounds desperate and shattered.

His 'solution' was probably too drastic as he admits but I think he has a point that you can't necessarily continue with the cuddling to sleep thing forever (teething is different - their sleep patterns are shot when they are in pain and of course they need comfort)

ceeveebee Thu 03-Jan-13 23:47:56

YABU. She cried for 5 minutes. Fathers are parents too and allowed to make choices - why does your choice trump his?

Catchingmockingbirds Thu 03-Jan-13 23:50:32

He should have mentioned it to you first but sending him to sleep on the couch is a bit much.

He is her parent too. You don't get to dictate the rules any more then he does. He says it was 5 minutes. No big deal. You are over-reacting and will isolate your DH and be left to do all the parenting yourself as he will give up for fear of never getting it right.

Cuddling baby to sleep is no better a solution than leaving her to cry for 5 mins. You both need to work together to find a sensible solution that works for you. But YABVU to be livid with him for making his own parenting choice that is completely harmless but that you happen to disagree with.

Pozzled Thu 03-Jan-13 23:59:55

OP, it definitely sounds like teething or something else is hurting her- have you been giving calpol? When my DD2 is in pain, she doesn't cry when she's with us- if we take her into our bed she will crawl all over us, won't settle but won't cry. She had a lot of ear infections from 6 months on and would act just like your DD.

pictish Fri 04-Jan-13 00:00:32

What a mass overreaction to nothing this thread is.
Only on mumsnet.

StuntGirl Fri 04-Jan-13 00:06:02

I think the over reaction is to be "livid" and "furious" with your husband for making a different decision to you, and making him sleep on the sofa over it!

wannaBe Fri 04-Jan-13 00:24:43

yabu.

IMO (and I fully expect to be flamed) a lot of sleep problems persist for as long as they do because parents settle for the easy way out of cuddling/bf/<insert softly softly approach to sleep while still maintaining that "my baby doesn't sleep." I'm not talking newborn babies here but one/two/three year olds that still won't go to sleep unaided, and often the reason why is because they have never been enabled to.

It's understandable why they do, it can be distressing to listen to your baby cry for any period of time and to have to keep going back, picking up, returning to cot etc, but often babies have to be taught to self settle, and sometimes that means a bit of a harsh reality for both parent and baby.

In this instance your dh said it was five minutes. If he has a baby that screams every night there comes a point when you reach the end of your tether and then need to just walk away from the screaming baby. Equally if you have a baby that doesn't usually scream and then does so for three days solid it comes as an awful shock to the system and you reach a point where you reach the end of your tether and just need to walk away.

Making him sleep on the couch just undermines his position as a parent. You are no more of a parent than he is.

pictish Fri 04-Jan-13 00:29:33

Agree with wannabe entirely.

What a lot of drama over sod all. Get a grip women!

StuntGirl Fri 04-Jan-13 00:31:57

Sorry pictish I thought you were saying the responses were an over reaction.

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