to be upset with my friend over this?(144 Posts)
Background: Very close friend. When I was dating my partner (now ex) she became friends with him. I have no objection to them remaining friends. I am now in a new relationship and dp does not want me to see ex p for various. I am respecting this and friend knows about this.
NYE I was to go for drinks/dinner with friend and her dp, then to a house party together. This has been the plan for quite some time as we always spend NYE together. We have been talked about plans several times over the past few weeks. The day before NYE she tells me she has invited ex p to drinks. I am upset that she a/ I now won't be able to go and b/ she didn't tell me this earlier. I then had to make last minute other plans and was upset at not being able to spend NYE with her like I planned.
Am I in need of a grip? I have no objection to friend being friends with ex p but when she knows that I cannot see him, and continues to invite him to social occasions then she knows I won't be able to come, it annoys me. She also invited him previously to another occasion and lied to me about it, so I didn't know till I got there and he was there - was rather awkward for all concerned.
So have you asked your friend why she invited your ex knowing that you would have to cancel? Whether or not she agrees with your decision not to see your ex, she is certainly failing to respect your wishes. It may be for a good reason, but you can only find out by having that chat with her. It doesn't need to be confrontational.
MincePiesAddict I don't really get this thread. OP, it's like you're playing some kind of 'downtrodden partner' buzzword bingo. Can you not read back all that you've written and see that there is a problem with your current partner's attitude? Really?
This is probably another thread I got reported on for making a similar point to you.
This is tough to deal with OP, but it's heartfelt and sincere. please listen to us harpies?
Why are people being so harsh with the op?
She knows it is a terrible situation now, she needs support and encouragement here. It's not easy, what she has to do.
Op I hope you find the strength to do something about this. Try the relationships board for continued support.
Op, what have you decided to do?
OP, I don't think anyone is saying your BF has to love your ex. DH and I invited some exes to our wedding as they're genuinely good friends now. But we also have some exes we are just civil to when we see them socially as we still share some friends.
Do I love all DH's exes? No. Some of them are great and some aren't. But I certainly wouldn't let their presence affect my time with friends. And neither would DH.
It is very controlling and jealous to ban another adult from seeing someone. Most people just accept that their partners have dated other people and make the best of it.
Please think carefully about the message you are giving your boyfriend.
"You can decide who I see and don't see."
"I won't see my friends if they don't meet your approval."
"I'm too scared to challenge you over something I disagree with."
None of these are good things.
What a sad thread - you are allowing yourself to be abused... Why?!
Martha I have read them all and am listening. It is obviously quite a shock as I wasn't expecting this at all. Right now I'm just taking time to think of what to do next.
This thread has stunned me.. OP please take the time to re-read this thread. You say you have taken the comments on board but I am not so sure.....
Just been to my ex's wedding with my DH and kids.
I spent Christmas Eve with my other ex and our families. My ex is with my DH's ex so we laugh about it a lot.
Your DP sounds controlling. If I was your friend I'd be pissed off and worried about YOU.
Just spent NY in a huge group of families with at least two of my DH's ex girlfriends. No problem at all. They are now good friends and it all happened years ago. My DH and children visit my ex's parents with me, and my daughter is named after his sister. All are good friends.
Your situation is no normal.
....and by the way,the 'but I love him' stance is one that most abused partners have uttered at the start of the abuse.It's also the stance that will frustrate anyway who can see this for what it is,an abusive relationship.
If you're looking for a safe way to get out of this....start by talking to the friend who is brave enough not to put up with his shite.Tell her that you are concerned,tell her about this thread if you want....but start telling people in real life.You have friends who are still there for you,enlist their help.Now.
Stay with him another year and I guarantee you that you will be even more isolated (either from more people being added to his 'banned' list,or from people dropping you for staying in a situation that makes absolutely no sense).Start moving now.
Well, I'm out. I'm assuming if you have posted about him under other names, you know he's a controlling twunt but are either deaf to the advice or are enjoying the attention. Good luck, you'll need it.
Run like the wind from this controlling and unpleasant man. Any man worth his salt would have no problem and his insecurity is his to deal with.
If he gets angry over this, what else will he get angry over in the future? Alarm bells are well and truly ringing, OP.
I don't really get this thread.
OP, it's like you're playing some kind of 'downtrodden partner' buzzword bingo. Can you not read back all that you've written and see that there is a problem with your current partner's attitude? Really?
Quite right MrsT! I have had so many apologetic phone calls explaining why i would be invited somewhere but it would be awkward because exH is there and surely i would rather it this way to which i say no actually. Or i love acting disingenuous when i know someones birthday is coming up and ask them outright if they are having a party and they mumble something and i say 'great can't wait...' only for them to put on their sad voice and explain how it's best for everyone if i don't go. I hate that as the reasonable one i am excluded or expected to change plans just because it's easier to put me off than them. I have now distanced myself from them all and i think they find that less confrontational - pathetic really.
Anyway i digress - sorry for the rant OP
You've name changed so in all honesty are you only with him because you don't like being alone?
Spuddy you would love my BF. She called me and Ex-H up before her and her OH's wedding (who happens to be my Ex-H's BF). She said we were both invited, both in the wedding party and we could suck it up and behave because it was her wedding. My DH wouldn't dream of telling me not to go.
Please humor me and tell me why you and your DP originally split? What made you get back together?
I don't think you are being very fair on your ex or your friend. If you have mutual friends then you should accept you will see each other at parties. Otherwise one has to be excluded, and if you are the one who doesn't want to see the other (for whatever reason - although it is YOU who is choosing to do this by agreeing with your partner) then you should excuse yourself, not expect the other poor bloke to not be invited.
This totally boils my piss. I lost loads of friends over this exact thing. ExH and exBF (who got together) didn't want to see me (as it made them feel bad probably) so I was the one who wasn't to invited to birthdays, weddings, christenings etc. I was always invited to a small 1-1 dinner mid week to celebrate while knowing they were all going out on the razzle without me. I just invite everyone and let them be adults and sort it out between them.
OP - its not normal in a healthy relationship to ban your partner from seeing ex-partners. If you have a healthy, trusting relationship, it should matter two hoots if you see your Ex p or not. I agree absolutely with Hecate - look forward one, two, ten years. Do you really want to be that person, who cant make their own choices, voice their own opinions, for fear of what your partner will say or do? Its not right and its not a choice you would wish on your loved ones. Get out and get rid of him - he's no good for you.
I am sure he isn't.
Do you think women would stay in a relationship where the man was always horrible? In the early days? They don't ask you out on a date, take you home and kick you round the kitchen.
They test the water. They start small. They see if you'll change this, let that go, accept this, tolerate that. drip drip drip drip drip.
Of course he is nice.
That's how he gets you to stay when he isn't nice.
But you are with someone for whom you are modifying your behaviour. For whom you are backing down and giving in because you fear their temper.
How much better do you think it will get if you marry and have children and therefore lifelong ties to him?
Do you know that such behaviours escalate the more they feel the woman is 'tied' to them?
You will make your choice. And you will live it.
All I am saying is think carefully about choosing a man whose temper worries you, who tells you who you may and may not see and who you kowtow to in order to please.
7 they never are. If a person was always horrible, they wouldn't get anyone to be in a relationship with them. By being nice/pleasant/caring most of the time, they get to be horrible some of the time. Don't kid yourself, though. They are abusive 100% of the time. You are policing your behaviour, your friend's behaviour and you haven't even had the argument. That is what happens, you start to do it to yourself.
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