to be upset with my friend over this?

(144 Posts)
7evendwarves Tue 01-Jan-13 23:59:03

have NCed.

Background: Very close friend. When I was dating my partner (now ex) she became friends with him. I have no objection to them remaining friends. I am now in a new relationship and dp does not want me to see ex p for various. I am respecting this and friend knows about this.

NYE I was to go for drinks/dinner with friend and her dp, then to a house party together. This has been the plan for quite some time as we always spend NYE together. We have been talked about plans several times over the past few weeks. The day before NYE she tells me she has invited ex p to drinks. I am upset that she a/ I now won't be able to go and b/ she didn't tell me this earlier. I then had to make last minute other plans and was upset at not being able to spend NYE with her like I planned.

Am I in need of a grip? I have no objection to friend being friends with ex p but when she knows that I cannot see him, and continues to invite him to social occasions then she knows I won't be able to come, it annoys me. She also invited him previously to another occasion and lied to me about it, so I didn't know till I got there and he was there - was rather awkward for all concerned.

The issue here is your partner telling you not to see your ex. BIG, HUGE red flag.

There is absolutely no reason for you not to see your ex in a social way - what if you were in a pub/party and he came in? Can you see how ridiculous this situation is?

MagicHouse Wed 02-Jan-13 00:18:16

His reasons for not wanting me to see him is thinking that he isn't a nice person, and perhaps insecurity on his part.

I don't agree with him stopping me from seeing him, but don't have a choice about this.

You DO have a choice. And I advise you to start making that choice. You've just made a really, really worrying statement there.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Wed 02-Jan-13 00:18:57

How long have you been with 'DP' for?

MagicHouse Wed 02-Jan-13 00:19:50

OMG - don't go for "an easy life"..... a few years down the line of this and your life will be far from easy.

Er yes you do and always DO have a choice, to say to your current partner that he needs to get over whatever his issues are cos you are still going to see your friend and if ex is there, well, tough, either he trusts your judgement or not.

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:20:07

on and off for many years. We were separated for quite some time when I start seeing ex p.

I genuinely feel like I don't have a choice about this - and don't want to be alienated from friends because of this.

KobayashiMaru Wed 02-Jan-13 00:20:18

you really think that your friend shouldn't see who she likes because your partner controls you who can see? Are you for real?

ihearsounds Wed 02-Jan-13 00:20:45

It's not uncommon for partners to dislike a mate or two. However, mature people deal with their own dislikes and don't put bans on seeing that person. Usually they choose not to meet that person themselves, which is fair enough.

He might not like your ex, but this is his problem. If you want to socialize with your ex this should be entirely your choice. What happens when your dp doesn't like your other friends, or members of your family? You going to stop seeing them as well?

The issue isn't your friend inviting your exp to social events. Your main problem is your controlling partner.

MelodyParadise Wed 02-Jan-13 00:21:10

Oh my good God OP.

Of course you have a choice!! What's more, so does your friend!

If you want to date King Dick feel free...but do not inflict his will on your friends.

Yabu. Your partner is b very u.

Your friend is not bu. Wake up!

WorraLorraTurkey Wed 02-Jan-13 00:21:10

Worra I have told him I'm not happy about him stopping me seeing ex p but he is very insistent on it, and for the easy life I have agreed not to see him.

So it's your problem...not your friend's and not your ex's.

You may be fine playing the downtrodden girlfriend but don't be annoyed with your friend because she's not taking that kind of bullshit.

Really the problem is not of her making.

And a word to the wise, if he's got you dancing to his tune over your ex...how long until he finds a reason for you to stop socialising with your friend too?

Then your other friends and your family etc....

Eeebygum Wed 02-Jan-13 00:21:44

Personally, I would be having strong words with your DP if it was me. I went on holiday with a friend that my DP don't like, and one of his friends I literally can't stand comes around for drinks every now and then.

If your DP don't like him, fine, that is his choice to stay away from him. He shouldn't be dictating who you see though. He sounds like a control freak!!

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:23:30

Worra - what upset me is that we had made plans together - then at the last minute she tells me she is inviting ex p knowing that dp will be there. If she had at least told me sooner it would have given me time to make other plans.

HildaOgden Wed 02-Jan-13 00:23:32

'His reasons for not wanting me to see him is thinking that he isn't a nice person, and perhaps insecurity on his part.

I don't agree with him stopping me from seeing him, but don't have a choice about this'

That actually gave me chills.How can you possibly think that's ok?He is controlling you...and already he is causing discord within your friendship (with the female,not the ex)....can you not see that???

WorraLorraTurkey Wed 02-Jan-13 00:23:34

Hmmm I think I might have worked out who you are OP

If I'm right, no amount of advice is going to make you sit up and listen

If I'm wrong (and I hope so) you'd do well to heed the advice already given.

BoneyBackJefferson Wed 02-Jan-13 00:23:57

7evendwarves
but you are (on here effectively saying that she should put you first.

If someone did that to you, who would you choose?

It may also be that she invited you both at the same time and has only just realised that your DP is a bit of a loon.

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:24:28

Is it really that bad that he is saying I can't see ex p?

I thought it was normal for partners to not like you seeing exs.

ihearsounds Wed 02-Jan-13 00:26:26

It doesn't matter if its an exp, brother, mate, dad at the school, woman in the shop.
He shouldn't be controlling who you can and cannot see.
You should have the freedom to choose who you want to see. Obviously as long as your aren't shagging them grin

millie30 Wed 02-Jan-13 00:27:06

OP you aren't planning a one on one date with him, in which case your DP might have a valid objection. You are attending a social event with other friends that your ex is also invited to. Your DP isn't only saying you can't see your ex, but that you can't even be in the same room as him and as a consequence can't see you other friends. That is not normal.

7evendwarves Wed 02-Jan-13 00:27:16

Worra I don't think that is the case, but if you PM me I can tell you if you are right.

Boney - she has known what the status quo is for quite some time.

CaseyShraeger Wed 02-Jan-13 00:27:46

Frankly, I think your friend may be worried about your current partner's controlling behaviour and is deliberately bringing matters to a head rather than let you continue to brush it under the carpet.

WorraLorraTurkey Wed 02-Jan-13 00:27:51

It's normal for control freaks and people who live on different planets

To the rest of us independent thinking people...it's more than a bit odd.

MagicHouse Wed 02-Jan-13 00:29:08

Is it really that bad that he is saying I can't see ex p?

I thought it was normal for partners to not like you seeing exs.

Yes, it really is that bad, telling someone who they can or cannot see.

CaseyShraeger Wed 02-Jan-13 00:29:38

It's normal not to like you going out for dinner with ex, or meeting up just the two of you for drinks. Objecting that strongly to your setting foot in the same building or occasionally attending the same events is very much not normal.

drcrab Wed 02-Jan-13 00:29:40

But you aren't seeing the ex p. it's a social event where everyone seems to have been invited to so it's not like you've deliberately rang your ex up and said 'shall we meet up?'

It's like having a works do and having people you don't like attending it. You can't stop them from attending; they work there! But you need not chat with them!!

Your p is being unreasonable. As are you, for actually 'obeying' him!

Angelfootprints Wed 02-Jan-13 00:30:07

What are the specific reasons though for your do not liking your ex? Did you ex treat you badly for instance?

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