To give DP hell when he gets home?

(129 Posts)
Hopeandbluebells Sat 29-Dec-12 19:51:08

The upshot is this: DP came in from work yesterday, barely acknowledged me, said he was going out and the next I heard of him was when he arrived back from wherever he'd been at 2 in the morning and turned all the lights on in our bedroom. I woke up this morning to a note saying he's gone out and not sure when he'll be back, still not home now and I haven't been able to get hold of him all day.

Just before Christmas I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, I'll be having a hysterectomy in the new year. DP and I have been TTC for the past 6 years but so far have been unsuccessful, obviously this now means that biological children is going to be out of the question. I'm seriously considering adoption, DP isn't keen but it's early days and I'm hoping hell come round. What's made it worse is that we were staying at my mums over Christmas and my sister announced she was pregnant with DC2 so not really any time to grieve at first. We're also going to have to cancel plans we had to move out to New York for a year- I did some work there before Christmas and was offered the chance to do some more this year, which obviously now isn't going to happen. DP was looking forward to that as much as I was, if not more.

Now I know that this is all going to have a huge impact on DPs life just as it will on mine. But over Christmas all he seemed to be able to focus on was how he now won't have biological children with me and the NY thing, I'm not saying it shouldn't have an impact on him but he seems so obsessed with himself in it all. And then these last two days he's been out all day and I haven't seen him at all, I know he's avoiding me and its the last thing I need right now. We've been together 8 years and I've never seen this side of him before.

Aibu to have a right go at him when he gets home? Because I bloody well feel like it.

AltinkumATEalltheTurkey Sun 30-Dec-12 02:39:17

I must be the only one feeling quite sorry for him, the life he fought he was having is now gone, his partner has cancer and he will never have a bio child with her.

His partner is also having major surgery and treatment for cancer.

It's a lot to cope with, he proberly just needs time to think and come to terms with his life.

Delayingtactic Sun 30-Dec-12 02:59:26

I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Hopefully he's home now and you can have a proper chat.

Whilst I get that this must be shocking for him and deeply upsetting too, now is not the time for him to get to grips with it. You need support and care for you whilst you undergo treatment for cancer. You need to feel like someone is stood next to you making sure at least your emotional needs are taken care of. Yes this will mean a rethink of future plans but this should at least be partly done together.

A proper chat may mean he sees how his behaviour is particularly hurtful.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 30-Dec-12 03:11:09

I'm so sorry to hear you have CC & are facing a H. Devastating news sad x

No matter how life changing and upsetting this is for him, it is worse for you. His feelings do not come first, yours do. Stupid, shirking, shit needs a good talking to and a kick up the backside. Jesus wept, he's supposed to be looking after you, protecting you, helping you, supporting you - not moping and whining about fucking New York...and then fucking vanishing. I am so angry at him for doing this to you - your Mum must be ready to kill him with her bare hands.

He needs to grow the fuck up - and fast. If he's going to bring you further down and not support you, he needs to fuck off and make room for people who will be there for you.

angry

<Big Hugs>

Hope I hope you are getting some rest and are able to talk to your DP tomorrow. I've read this thread, alternating between fuming on your behalf, feeling so bad for you, feeling a bit sorry for your DP, and then back to fuming. What a shit time for him to be adding to your emotional quagmire. You have enough emotions and feelings of loss and likely fear to sort out without him adding extra layers if you ask me. But I also understand that this is happening "to him". I hope he has gotten whatever it is out of his system and can sit down with you and hold you and talk with you about your future together.

FWIW (not much really), my mum had a full hysterectomy following a cervical cancer dx and she has been cancer-free for coming up to 20 years now.

Have an un-MN {{{hug}}}

LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas Sun 30-Dec-12 03:15:57

I'm so sorry. Your lives couldn't really have been turned upside any more could they.

Is this the first time in hos life he's had to deal with something so serious? He does sound like he's struggling to cope. Do he have anyone to talk too? Either way he needs telling how out of order he is being. Yes he's got stuff to deal with but the first priority should be getting you through your surgery.

whatatwat Sun 30-Dec-12 08:15:04

hey, you are both going through hell, you both need to try to find a way to communicate, some people will find opening up really hard when they . are scared or feeling useless.
how are you this morning?

Ponyinthepool Sun 30-Dec-12 08:46:07

He's clearly terrified, as anyone in his shoes would be, and he's withdrawing so he can process things without you seeing how petrified he is. It's probably easier for him to focus on the NY side of things than the elephant in the room he has no idea how to confront.

That being said, absolutely give him hell. He knows his behaviour is unfair on you and will be expecting it.

yousmell Sun 30-Dec-12 08:52:52

You are both having a very tough time. Try and pull together and get through it. If he isn't there for you during this important time, can you go and stay with family/friends.

mummytime Sun 30-Dec-12 08:59:06

Do you have any contact with anyone like McMillan nurses? If not, do search them and talk o them. Then try to get your H to do the same. Does he have a good friend or parents who could contact him and let him know what an idiot he is being?

BinksToEnlightenment Sun 30-Dec-12 09:20:10

I feel bad for you both.

He's not being fair on you, but I also think he may get over this quicker if you give him the space he needs. No more calls and texts.

He obviously can't take it and needs to hibernate his thoughts. Some people process things by withdrawing and shutting down for a while.

This is something which does also significantly affect him and he needs time to grieve in his own way.

SugaricePlumFairy Sun 30-Dec-12 09:20:55

Morning Hope

How are things this morning?

diddl Sun 30-Dec-12 09:27:07

He´s struggling with it all??

How the fuck does he think OP feels?

And he´s not even there for her!

If he´s so keen on NY-he can look for a job out there himself!!

Snazzyfeelingfestive Sun 30-Dec-12 09:44:27

I second Binks' advice not to call or text again for now. Try to treat it as if he has gone away for say a week. Make plans for New Year's Eve for yourself, either at a friend's or go to a spa or something. You need time to process this too and I would focus on you now. It's what he is doing!

What would you do if he was not in the picture? Would you still adopt, try to Oslo in New York? You probably don't know yet but these are questions to think about.

MrsTomHardy Sun 30-Dec-12 11:27:28

I wouldn't be calling or texting him.

Sorry about your diagnosis but he is being an arse.

PessaryPam Sun 30-Dec-12 11:46:49

I would go home to your parents if possible. You need looking after at the moment, which should b his job but he has shown you what he is really like. So sad for you.

Autumnchill Sun 30-Dec-12 11:49:54

Really sorry about all the crap that has arrived at your doorstep.

I think I would be texting him and saying that if he doesn't acknowledge he is alive and well then I will be calling the Police. Without adding worry, are you confident that nothing has happened to him?

Jojobells1986 Sun 30-Dec-12 11:58:13

If my DH suddenly started avoiding me like that I think I'd pack a bag & go stay with my parents. I'd leave a note in an obvious place, since that's apparently now a valid way of communicating, explaining where I was & that I'd come home when he'd had sufficient time/space to sort his head out. I'd also write down important phone numbers for him 'just incase he's lost his phone...' but I do tend to be a little passive-aggressive at times!

Hope he sorts himself out & realises what's important soon! Look after yourself. smile

Hopeandbluebells Sun 30-Dec-12 13:15:12

An update: DP arrived home last night around 4am, stank of cigarettes and alcohol (he doesn't smoke). Turned all the lights on again, woke me up, I told him this couldn't go on and we needed to talk. He said he didn't see what there was to talk about among other things, it got fairly unpleasant so I said perhaps we needed to give each other some space. He packed a bag then and there and left his keys on the table, I'm assuming he's gone to his parents.

He's honestly never done anything like this before sad

Montybojangles Sun 30-Dec-12 13:20:35

I would imagine his mother will be making his life a living hell this morning if that's any consolation. Hope he comes to his senses ASAP
Do you have friends/family you can go and stay with for a day or 2 for some moral and emotional support? (hug)

Montybojangles Sun 30-Dec-12 13:20:47

I would imagine his mother will be making his life a living hell this morning if that's any consolation. Hope he comes to his senses ASAP
Do you have friends/family you can go and stay with for a day or 2 for some moral and emotional support? (hug)

Autumnchill Sun 30-Dec-12 13:40:05

sad I can't possibly understand what you are going through now but I think you need some RL comfort. Is there anywhere you can go?

quoteunquote Sun 30-Dec-12 13:43:04

He's honestly never done anything like this before

neither of you have been through anything like this before, give yourselves sometime,

I know it feels like an overwhelming wall of water, you will get through it, It's really frightening at the stage you are at, it gets better, more manageable.

get on with other things, keep busy.

HecatePropolos Sun 30-Dec-12 13:45:03

sounds to me like he was just waiting to be told he could go. sad so he isn't the bad guy who walked out on his partner when she was facing the toughest time of her entire life.

I am sure it's hard for him. But that doesn't give him the right to run away.

He's shown you that when you need him the very most - he won't be there.

I'm not sure how you move on from that.

Take care of yourself.

Maybe he'll realise what he's done and come back, with great apologies and talk and be there for you and with you. But if he doesn't - do you have other people you can lean on right now?

SantasHoHoHo Sun 30-Dec-12 13:52:41

He needs to go away and take a long hard look at himself. So his plans for the future have been changed beyond his control but hey, that's life. You deserve love and support right now and if he doesn't come to that conclusion soon then I'm afraid you're better off without him.

I wish you all the best throughout your treatment and as well as support in real life, you'll always have your friends here on MN for support too.x

I think you need to stop thinking about him tbh

Go and stay with your family and put yourself first. All this stress is not going to do you any good. You need to be looked after.

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