To give DP hell when he gets home?

(129 Posts)
Hopeandbluebells Sat 29-Dec-12 19:51:08

The upshot is this: DP came in from work yesterday, barely acknowledged me, said he was going out and the next I heard of him was when he arrived back from wherever he'd been at 2 in the morning and turned all the lights on in our bedroom. I woke up this morning to a note saying he's gone out and not sure when he'll be back, still not home now and I haven't been able to get hold of him all day.

Just before Christmas I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, I'll be having a hysterectomy in the new year. DP and I have been TTC for the past 6 years but so far have been unsuccessful, obviously this now means that biological children is going to be out of the question. I'm seriously considering adoption, DP isn't keen but it's early days and I'm hoping hell come round. What's made it worse is that we were staying at my mums over Christmas and my sister announced she was pregnant with DC2 so not really any time to grieve at first. We're also going to have to cancel plans we had to move out to New York for a year- I did some work there before Christmas and was offered the chance to do some more this year, which obviously now isn't going to happen. DP was looking forward to that as much as I was, if not more.

Now I know that this is all going to have a huge impact on DPs life just as it will on mine. But over Christmas all he seemed to be able to focus on was how he now won't have biological children with me and the NY thing, I'm not saying it shouldn't have an impact on him but he seems so obsessed with himself in it all. And then these last two days he's been out all day and I haven't seen him at all, I know he's avoiding me and its the last thing I need right now. We've been together 8 years and I've never seen this side of him before.

Aibu to have a right go at him when he gets home? Because I bloody well feel like it.

CailinDana Sat 29-Dec-12 19:58:25

Rather than giving him hell I think you need to arrange a time to sit down and properly talk about what's going on. Some people react very badly to stress, and while that doesn't excuse your DP's actions at all, I think going at him about it all guns blazing won't help and it won't resolve anything. You need to lay your cards on the table - explain you understand he's upset and stressed but you need him to step up now and stop acting like a child. Let him talk a bit about how he feels and try to reach an understanding. You are going to need genuine, reliable support in the coming months and you need to find out pretty fast if your DP is going to give that or let you down. Now's not the time for fighting and sulking, it's the time to face what's ahead together. What you need to be prepared for is the possibility that he isn't prepared to support you.

So sorry to hear you're not well, and that you have to face the very hard prospect of not having biological children. Good luck with your treatment.

IfItDontFeelGoodWhatUDoingIt4 Sat 29-Dec-12 20:00:25

I'm really sorry about your diagnosis and what it means for you.

He certainly needs telling all of what you have said in your OP.

Probably pretty much the same as you have written it. He is being a self absorbed twat, but with reason. But that doesn't make it excusable, you just need to chat, maybe have a bit of a shout, calm down and re connect. Tell him you know it's hard for him, but it's also insanely hard for you. There's probably a lot that needs to be said and expressed, and I'm guessing, if this was my relationship, and my and my DP, we would have a row about the going out etc, he would say he is struggling, I'd say I need him, and then we would end up realising we need to come together to get through this.

I hope you get this all sorted out, and you will be able to support each other through it.

Doshusallie Sat 29-Dec-12 20:02:27

Gosh what a lot to cope with.

Firstly very sorry to hear about your diagnosis, excellent that you have a treatment plan and actions in place. Devastating about the ttc thing, and those two things in themselves are a lot for anyone to cope with. Your dP is clearly doing the head in the sand thing, which is how he is coping but that doesn't help you.

The new York thing, whilst disappointing, isn't, IMO, as impact full as the other life changes you are facing - ny isn't going anywhere, you can work there some other time?

IME having a go will only drive him further away. He is is being hurtful, immature and selfish. When the moment is right you need to get him to talk to you and explain how his behaviour is adding to our stress and whilst you know he is disappointed too, you need him, and rely on him and you need to face these issues together and talk. If you have been together so long, he must love you enough to get this eventually. Unfortunate that you are having to be the grown up here but not unusual in the male/female dynamic.

I am sorry for your troubles and wish you all the best.

IfItDontFeelGoodWhatUDoingIt4 Sat 29-Dec-12 20:05:15

I'm really sorry about your diagnosis and what it means for you.

He certainly needs telling all of what you have said in your OP.

Probably pretty much the same as you have written it. He is being a self absorbed twat, but with reason. But that doesn't make it excusable, you just need to chat, maybe have a bit of a shout, calm down and re connect. Tell him you know it's hard for him, but it's also insanely hard for you. There's probably a lot that needs to be said and expressed, and I'm guessing, if this was my relationship, and my and my DP, we would have a row about the going out etc, he would say he is struggling, I'd say I need him, and then we would end up realising we need to come together to get through this.

I hope you get this all sorted out, and you will be able to support each other through it.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 29-Dec-12 20:07:08

I think the next time he goes on about New York i would just say "i have cancer you twat!"

Sorry to hear all that you are going through, that's really hard.

(I realise the other posts are much more helpful than mine)

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 29-Dec-12 20:07:59

I think the next time he goes on about New York i would just say "i have cancer you twat!"

Sorry to hear all that you are going through, that's really hard.

(I realise the other posts are much more helpful than mine)

McNewPants2013 Sat 29-Dec-12 20:14:42

Hope you recover quickly.

There is a chance to have children, there are people who will be a surrogate. Perhaps this is something to think about.

I bet you and DP are in shock ATM so you need to talk about it.

TalkativeJim Sat 29-Dec-12 20:14:47

I saw your other thread and I'm truly sorry to hear of your diagnosis - I wish you all the best for your treatment.

Have a go at him? In all honesty, if it were me there would be no way I'd be letting him back in the house right now.

Weak, selfish, whining, despicable, despicable, despicable behaviour. And you had your diagnosis before Xmas and news of the hysterectomy at least a short while ago, so it's not really as if you can excuse this with 'He's in shock'.

Have you faced anything really big together before? Because the saying that sprints to mind is '...when the chips are down.' The chips are down, and THIS is the level of support you get from your partner?

I can guarantee that anyone you tell the story of the last couple of days to would be disgusted with the spineless whining self-bag your P has shown himself to be.

I would be texting him to inform him that if these are his true colours, you are shocked and sad, but ultimately grateful to know what kind of a shit he is. That now you have been shown, very clearly, what level of support the likes of him are able to give, that you don't see any point in him coming home at any time of the morning. That the doors will be locked, so find somewhere else to go and have his pity party as the one in the relationship that, err, doesn't have cancer and isn't facing a huge operation in the coming weeks. Wish him good luck with explaining why he's out on his ear to his family and friends and warn him he'd best look away while he does it so as not to see the disgust in their faces.

Maybe he IS having some sort of breakdown about it all, but... No, sorry. Anyone who can indulge themselves like this while their partner is standing in front of them suffering and shocked is quite frankly a selfish, self-obsessed bastard.

I'm so glad you have your mum and family around you. Tell him to fuck off until he not only changes his tune but offers you a full explanation for his disgusting behaviour (don't hold your breath!) and spend your time with those who truly care for you.

I'm sorry that he's making this terrible time so much worse.

Good luck for a full recovery, and I have no doubt that in the future you will be a mother - and an excellent one to boot!

McNewPants2013 Sat 29-Dec-12 20:19:25

That assuming the overys can be saved

SugaricePlumFairy Sat 29-Dec-12 20:24:35

I'm so sorry about your dx and the hysterectomy.

Firstly I'd say he's in turmoil as you are and isn't able to cope with the operation you're going to have let alone the subsequent treatment.

He is frightened at the thought of losing you I think and is struggling to process his thoughts.

I have had a hysterectomy recently and without the added stresses you are undertaking it is hugely upsetting.

I think you should ask him if he is scared .

Apologies if I'm dead slow, I am a crap typer!.

I'd be inclined to pack an overnight bag and go to stay with friends or family who can support you right now.

Let him know where you are and that you are ready to talk when he's stopped thinking about himself.

Montybojangles Sat 29-Dec-12 20:25:28

I'm so sorry to hear your news, you must be going through hell.
I think you need to tell him straight to get a grip and start supporting you. Yes, it's having an effect on both your lives, but you have cancer, not him.
I think I would go with fuckadoodlepoopoos to the point way of telling him, might be what he needs.

Hopeandbluebells Sat 29-Dec-12 20:42:09

Still no sign of DP, I've texted him (again) but no reply sad my mum stayed the night last night but had to go home earlier as she's working tonight. Good suggestion to sit down and talk to him, the trouble is I need to made contact with him to talk to him [sigh]

The issue with the NY thing I think in his mind is that I might not he offered work out there again, in which case this wouldn't be a possibility again. But that isn't really the priority ATM, which is what he seems to be struggling to get his head around.

quoteunquote Sat 29-Dec-12 20:49:35

I wold be kind, and give some space for a conversation, if he can articulate what he is feeling,

Grief is different for everyone, He has gone from potentially a father, new life in NY, with the woman he loves, to no potential child, no new adventure, and his partner might die. and having to put a brave face on it with family over christmas.

If he was a nicer enough bloke to want to have babies with not very long ago then it might be that he is having difficulty processing the new possibilities.

It's very easy when you first have cancer to not realise how much it is effecting everyone else. It quite self consuming, as well as overwhelming.

Give him slack, he has a lot to get his head round, he will feel angry and helpless at the situation, he may be avoiding you as he doesn't want to burden you further,

try to keep communication, you have a long energy sapping time ahead, pace yourself.

SugaricePlumFairy Sat 29-Dec-12 21:15:20

I was just like your dh , it was me having the surgery and 3 children to think of but I just could not openly discuss it with my husband, I would cringe and change the subject.

I only felt happy openly talking with dh about it in a hospital setting, I don't know why but that was how it was. I think I was scared of discussing death.

We have been married 21 years and are very happy but I hated that period of stress and my ill health, I would brush off all talk at all costs.

EuroShagmore Sat 29-Dec-12 21:20:23

I'm so sorry for all that you are going through, OP. I saw your other thread about the diagnosis.

Stress and feelings of helplessness can do strange things to people. When my grandad died a few years ago and my mum was being tested to see if her breast cancer had come back (it had), I went out drinking loads, texting stupid passive aggressive shyte to my ex (who turned out to be a great support and is now my husband). I can't articulate why I did it exactly. It was just my way of trying to block out the hurt.

He is being a twat and it's not helpful to you at the moment, but don't think for a moment he doesn't care. He's just having a bit of a freak out. My suggestion would be to lean on other people (friends, family) until he gets his head together enough to be the support you need.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 29-Dec-12 22:04:35

I also saw your other thread and I'm so sorry for your diagnosis. I'd have hoped your DP would have come round by now but it seems he's still behaving like a petulant child. No doubt he'll wake you up tonight at some godforsaken hour again, which is not what you need. I'd be tempted to text and tell him not to bother, then put the chain on. Alternatively, if he's so fond of notes, you could write him a letter explaining that you need to sit down and discuss the situation like adults and that you need his support - would he respond to a letter?

I know he's got a lot to get his head around but you are the priority right now. Not New York, or work, or even kids. You. I think you need to work out in your head how long you're willing to give him for self-indulgent wallowing before reading him the riot act. And stick to it. You don't need his shit right now, you really don't.

Hopeandbluebells Sat 29-Dec-12 22:39:14

sugarice no I completely understand what you're saying, good point, thanks. DP has been a bit useless as far as the hospital appointments go too actually though trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, I do want him to stay sad

Contemplating my next move now, I'm going to see if he turns up before I go to bed, if not i might well end up locking the door. Tried calling and texting etc all evening, heard nothing so far sad

SugaricePlumFairy Sat 29-Dec-12 23:00:12

I don't wish to completely excuse your dp's lack of thought.

It's dreadful that he had buggered off and become unreachable when it's you who is needing support and love.

He has to want to support you especially when hospital dates come through, he must step up to the mark as a partner soon.

tinkletinklestar Sat 29-Dec-12 23:03:11

Has he ever done this kind of thing before op??

Hopeandbluebells Sat 29-Dec-12 23:18:15

He's honestly never done anything like this before, he's always been really supportive, it's quite a scary transformation actually sad still no sign, thinking of following advice and locking him out sad

milf90 Sat 29-Dec-12 23:26:10

I'm so sorry, he should be there supporting you, not abandoning you like this. Do you think counselling might help?its a huge thing to get his head round too, I think the family are so,entires forgotten (understandably!) and sometimes need that help too x

oldpeculiar Sun 30-Dec-12 00:21:06

I'm really really sorry to hear your news.
I don't think there is any point in giving him hell.He is in shock and frightened and trying to shut it all out I think.I know it seems harsh and callous and unfair, but people can only cope with what they can cope with, and getting cross isn't going to change that.I think he needs some counselling

BettySuarez Sun 30-Dec-12 00:25:36

I would be tempted to lock him out too to be honest sad

If nothing else, it might force him to start a dialogue with you so that you can eventually get to the bottom of this.

So sorry to hear your news sad

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