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DH spending our joint money on his DCs

(451 Posts)

I just want to post here to see if IABU before i tackle this with DH. I'm on mat leave atm receiving stat mat pay so things are tighter than usual. DH and I have a joint acc which we use for our DDs things (although if i'm buying her something not necessarily needed eg a new dress I'll use my own account. We put in an equal amount of money to the joint acc and i like to keep a buffer in there.

Xmas is coming and bearing in mind things are tight this year I've been so careful with buying for our dd. It's her first xmas and wont even notice that she has n't got stacks of gifts so i'm not bothered really but if i could i would have got her a few extra toys etc. I've bought her things with money from my own account and DH hasn't contributed to this.

Today i was checking our joint account online and its ALOT lower than I had expected. It turns out DH has been using the our joint account to buy his DDs bits and pieces eg among other things £30 spent in New Look and cash withdrawn here and there when he's been with them and almost £25 in mcds, all of which he told me about but I assumed it would be him paying out of his account, not ours. I know he's bought his DDs big xmas gifts this year that he said has left him short of money but now i'm stuck with hardly any money in the account to buy dd nappies and milk etc. and we were going to buy an xmas tree and a dd's first stocking.

It's not fair that he knows I'm not earning what I was and i'm going back to work in the new year but i was so careful and not done alot of things with dd that i would have liked to while ive been on mat leave and felt guilty about taking money from the joint account for 'fun' things and not bought any clothes for myself (I wouldn't spend £30 in New Look on myself atm as i wouldn't be able to justify it) and it just seems a bit unfair that just because he's low in his account he can just use our money to treat his dds which i would have no problem with if we could afford it but we can't.

So that was long! I guess i'm ranting and ordinarily i wouldn't mind him using our joint acc to pay for stuff for his dds as long as our dd was stocked in nappies and formula which i think are more important than a 10yo getting some leggings!

mercibucket Wed 12-Dec-12 16:03:02

I don't like the whole separate accounts thing in general but I see what you mean and yanbu

The joint account is a small amount of money to go towards household bills and essentials including essentials but not luxuries for dd?

Then you each have your own accounts to spend on yourselves, luxuries, presents etc?

So yes, he shouldn't be using the joint account for those purchases

It might be easier to sit down and talk through exactly what the joint account pays for etc. Also, if you are on mat leave, your contributions to the joint acc might need re-adjusting so you are both still paying in the same proportion of your salaries. Maybe the joint account should also cover presents for all the kids?

MaxPepsi Wed 12-Dec-12 16:09:08

I think your DH is being VU

The account he has used is for a specific purpose, in this case your DD, but it could be the mortgage account, the loan account, retirement account anything.

He has then used the money in it for something other than it's purpose.

Out of order and I'd be speaking to him about it.

Fairyegg Wed 12-Dec-12 16:14:34

How you divide your money sounds very complex, I'm not quite sure why you are buying sperate presents for your dd from different accounts. However yabu, I presume you knew he had kids when you married him? They are now as much as part of your family as dd is and he has every right to spend the families money on them as they are family. 10 year olds can have expensive tastes so I wouldn't be surprise if he has had to spend a lot more on your step children than your dd, that's just the way it is.

girlgonemild Wed 12-Dec-12 16:14:52

I think yanbu really but you need to much clearer that the issue is about the joint account being for joint essentials not for 'extras' and that you don't have a problem with money being spent on dsd but that non essentials for them come out of dh's own budget not household expenses.

Narked Wed 12-Dec-12 16:16:16

So, to summarise:

- You use separate bank accounts and don't have joint finances

- The joint account, which you each contribute 50% to, is solely for things your DD needs (not things you might fancy buying her, which you cover from your account.

- You are on maternity pay so are earning a lot less ATM

- He has spent own his money (in his own account) and so has been dipping in to the joint account for your DD to pay for McDonald's for his children and various 'treats'.

- You now have no money for milk or nappies


He is a shit.

DoingitOnTheRoofTopWithSanta Wed 12-Dec-12 16:16:50

YANBU, his dc now have 3 adults paying for their gifts. I also think if you have a joint account you decide together on what purchases you make.

AndBingoWasHisNameOh Wed 12-Dec-12 16:18:56

I think her being a step daughter and whose money it is is actually something of a red herring. If they were both the OP's chidren then it wouldn't be appropriate to spend £30 on clothes for the elder daughter (assuming that she has some other clothes she can wear) if that left no money available to provide milk and nappies for the younger ones.

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Wed 12-Dec-12 16:22:11

Yabu.

You seem to think that his dds from previous marriage is solely his exs responsibility. Yet, you think his dd with you is also his responsibility?

Ya both U for having another child if you you are so skint that a trip to mcd and some clothes in New Look (for a child he also have some duty and responsibility for) leaves you so short that you cant buy nappies and formula for the child you have together.

Yabu for having a child with a man who already had children if you cannot accept that he also need to spend money on them.

A one year old does not need a stocking any more than a pre teen needs leggings.

NatashaBee Wed 12-Dec-12 16:28:43

I think this is a bigger issue than Christmas. You need to agree a budget for everything in general, so you have enough for milk/nappies and can also provide for his SD if needed. And next year, agree a budget for xmas presents that's fair to both you and the stepdaughter.

RacHoHoHog Wed 12-Dec-12 16:29:03

Yanbu.

We bought all of our children equal presents, from joint finances but extras are bought from our own money.

If dp had been dipping into the essentials pot for treats for his Dd which then meant my children had to go without I would be livid.

Essentials, presents ect are a family expenses and are treated as such but why should one child have extra treats at the expense of the others. Really unfair.

Waspie Wed 12-Dec-12 16:30:06

YANBU. Ask him when he is going to pay the money he owes back into the joint account.

I would be livid that one child was having to go without essentials while the others were being treated; that's outrageous angry

Having separate finances is in no way "complex" hmm My partner and I have separate accounts and both pay, by standing order, into our joint account for bills and household expenses. It's incredibly easy and simple and keeps household stuff nicely separated. We both know exactly where we stand this way.

CatchingMockingbirds Wed 12-Dec-12 16:37:29

Can I just double check I've got this right? Private/joint accounts aside, you've been skimping and watching the pennies as you're on maternity leave but he's then spent a lot of money on unnecessary luxuries leaving you low on cash for nappies etc?

If so, yanbu. He should have discussed it with you first.

Waspie Wed 12-Dec-12 16:38:10

"You seem to think that his dds from previous marriage is solely his exs responsibility. Yet, you think his dd with you is also his responsibility?"

Erm, yes, obviously. Of course someone elses children aren't the OP's responsibility. And Yes, their child is her partner's responsibility as well as hers.

My DP's daughter isn't my responsibility. My DP pays maintenance, and buys presents/treats for her from his money, not from our joint account.

TeaOneSugar Wed 12-Dec-12 16:39:16

This is exactly why I prefer separate accounts, I know what's going in and what's coming out and it can't all be thrown into turmoil because DH has made an unexpected purchase I haven't accounted for.

PearlyWhites Wed 12-Dec-12 16:41:15

An sorry I find this my his and our money very strange. If you are married or living together in a long term relationship they surely all the money should be shared. Therefore yabu, your dp should be able to spend what he chooses on his dc just as you and dp can on your daughter.

Fairylea Wed 12-Dec-12 16:42:30

I don't understand why people don't have a joint account for household bills and separate spending accounts... all money in goes into household proportionate to pay received and the same amount of spending money is allocated to each person to the spending accounts.

Money for spending on dc should be agreed and paid for from household. Spending is.literally just your hobbies and coffee or lunch out etc.

Dh and I have a joint spending account that we mentally split but the result is the same..

It's never going to work like this.

The joint acc is for our joint household bills eg mortgage/heating/telephone etc, our food shopping (which I am kind enough to allow DSDs to eat when they're here shock) and essential baby stuff like nappies and milk.

We have our own accounts that our wages go into and we each transfer money into the joint account. TBH I don't feel it's that complicated and it's worked in the 5 years we've had a house together. There have been times in the past when he's dipped into it to treat the DSDs which I never really minded as we could afford it. The difference is this time we can't and he is well aware of this. I would be just as upset if he spent £30 on our DD from that account at the moment.

We're not buying DD separate presents, he spent ALOT of money on ipads for the DSDs and had hardly anything left afterwards and this is why I've bought DD her gifts.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Wed 12-Dec-12 16:43:36

So, you have a joint account to pay for things the children need, he spends some of that money for things for the children, a d you are pissed off? hmm

If these are things he would have bought for his oldest children before you went on maternity leave, then he should still keep buying them. His older children shouldn't miss out because of new children to a new marriage IMO.

His older children are as much your financial responsibility as your biological children, because you decided to marry and procreate with a man who already has children from another relationship. That means they became your responsibility too.

Arisbottle Wed 12-Dec-12 16:47:19

As a stepmother I have accepted that I have chosen to take on some form of responsibility for a child who is not biologically mine. If I did not want that responsibility I could have walked away.

Having said that your finances sound vey odd and your DH is unreasonable to leave your children hungry. However I agree that the existing children should not be forced to lower their standard of living because you or your husband want to have more children, unless all the adults involved are in agreement.

MerylStrop Wed 12-Dec-12 16:49:57

The issue then, is that he has spent more than he can afford on Christmas presents, leaving you short for essentials. You are in NO WAY Being Unreasonable.

Who the presents are for is irrelevant. It's not a step-parenting thing, don't make it into one.

Did you say i-pads, plural? thunk

diddl Wed 12-Dec-12 16:50:16

I don´t see why money shouldn´t come out of the joint account for his older daughters.

But, not when it leaves you struggling to buy essentials.

DoingitOnTheRoofTopWithSanta Wed 12-Dec-12 16:50:26

His other children don't need ipads. The op's daughter does need nappies hmm

DoingitOnTheRoofTopWithSanta Wed 12-Dec-12 16:51:21

The issue then, is that he has spent more than he can afford on Christmas presents, leaving you short for essentials. You are in NO WAY Being Unreasonable Who the presents are for is irrelevant. It's not a step-parenting thing, don't make it into one.

Yes to what Meryl said

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Wed 12-Dec-12 16:52:21

So are you allowed to buy 'essential' clothes for your dd and your newborn out of the joint account? Is it just frivolous party dresses that you want that you pay for out of your own account?

Because if you are allowed to buy clothes for your two children out of the joint account, then he is allowed to but clothes for all of his children out of the joint account too.

Personally, I'd also say he is allowed to treat them to things like mc Donald's as well, seeing as how there is a good chance that they feel slightly left behind or jealous of the new children that get to have both their parents living together.

ENormaSnob Wed 12-Dec-12 16:53:59

Bit of a difference the older dc getting treats such as mcd and fucking iPads and the youngest dc therefore going without essentials hmm

Surely there is no one on earth who thinks that's right.

And I disagree that the op should have any financial responsibility to the step children.

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