To be sobbing over a Christmas card? Or are they in the right?

(44 Posts)
TheGostOfChristmasCards Tue 11-Dec-12 16:27:58

I am a regular but have namechanged because I don’t want to be recognised in rl.

Me and DH are in the process of splitting up. I don’t want to go into details, but there was fault on both sides, neither of us is perfect, we have both acknowledged our part but the relationship is beyond salvage. We are splitting amicably but at the moment are still living under the same roof.

My family have remained on good terms with DH because firstly he hasn’t done anything to them, and secondly there are children so it is in their interests to all stay on good terms for their sakes too. His family on the other hand have completely cut me dead since DH told them, have refused to speak to me, haven’t said anything to me openly but have maintained a silence. Even though we had a very good relationship before me and h split.

I’ve just opened a Christmas card from one of DH’s aunties. Someone we don’t see often but with whom I’ve always got on really well. It was addressed to h and the dc. They know I am still here as I’m not moving out until after the New Year.

I know it’s just a Christmas card but it has upset me more than I can say. It is such a deliberate and visible snub and will now go on display to everyone who comes into this house. Even my ds asked why I wasn’t named and said that I should have been because I’m still living here.

Me and h are still friends and on speaking terms and yet his family can’t even be civil enough to name me in a Christmas card which also includes my children. And I feel as if they are sending a message to the children that it’s ok to take sides and that it’s ok for them to not want anything to do with their mummy.

I am sitting here in floods of tears and know I need to get a grip but ibu?

FridgeBenefits Tue 11-Dec-12 16:32:35

Why does it have to be displayed?
Chuck it and have a large gin!

NotALondoner Tue 11-Dec-12 16:34:35

Don't chuck it, burn it!

BluelightsAndSirens Tue 11-Dec-12 16:35:42

Yabu I'm afraid. You are really over thinking the Christmas card, rip it up, throw it away and carry on with moving forward.

Don't let cardboard stand in your way.

quoteunquote Tue 11-Dec-12 16:35:58

You need to explain to him how upsetting it is, and ask him to have a word,

they are risking sabotaging the good terms that you are parting on, something that is essential to your children.

LaurieBlueBell Tue 11-Dec-12 16:36:30

Well done you on making your split as amicable as possible. His family are being knobs. Could your dh have a word with them.

As for the card, bin it.

ihaverunoutofnicknameideas Tue 11-Dec-12 16:36:51

YANBU to be feeling upset and emotional as you & DH are obviously going through a difficult and traumatic time. It is quite insensitive of the aunt and especially for your DCs. The only (very slight possible) defence I can come up with is that maybe she thought it would be awkward to put your name as well as you are definitely splitting up and she wasn't sure what to do....not much of a defence really though...

No advice I'm afraid but sorry you are going through a tough time.

BluelightsAndSirens Tue 11-Dec-12 16:36:59

Shrewd it, turn it into paper mâché, make a bowl out of it and send it back to her as a Christmas present.

PippinWoo Tue 11-Dec-12 16:37:07

Do you know what your DH has said to his family about the situation? Perhaps he has not described it as being fault on both sides and may even have implied you want nothing to do with them any more? Perhaps they worry your DH would be offended if they included you?

PippinWoo Tue 11-Dec-12 16:38:35

But, YABU. They probably just don't know how to handle the situation yet. Don't write them off because of one xmas card. Christmas card etiquette is very bollocks at the best of times.

louschmoo Tue 11-Dec-12 16:39:36

Hello, I think yanbu and your DH's family are totally out of order. No advice I'm afraid but lots of sympathy. They are being ridiculous. Hopefully they will come to their senses once the news of your split has sunk in. In the meantime just rise above it and remember that they're the ones who will miss out on any future amicable family stuff as they're effectively ruling themselves out of that with their behaviour. So sorry for what you must be going through right now sad.

yousankmybattleship Tue 11-Dec-12 16:39:47

Bin it. Move on.

Seriously, you and your husband sound sensible and mature and his family sound like a bunch of knobs. Their loss if they cut you off frankly.

scorchienne Tue 11-Dec-12 16:40:36

Bin the card honey. Chin up. Sorry you are going through this, I hope you have a lovely Christmas x

EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin Tue 11-Dec-12 16:48:53

I'm sorry you're so upset.

If I knew someone had split up I wouldn't put the other partners name on the card though. I know it's weird for you as you're still living together.

Maybe the aunt thought it was the right thing to do?

Out of interest, did you/ your H send her a card and who was it from? I think you are going to get upset over any/ everything right now. She probably didn't mean any harm (I don't know her, so she may have, depends on her form), bin teh card f you are going to get upset everytie you see it, or get your DC's to write your name inside it if it will make them happy. Hope you have a great Christmas despite the difficulties in your way. thanks

DeWe Tue 11-Dec-12 16:50:56

I would have thought that if you were splitting up then it was usual not to put you both on the same Christmas card. If it was a member of your family then I'd think card to your exh and dc was right. As if it was your family/friends I'd have thought it would be you and dc. Would you have felt better if the dc's card had been separate?

I had a friend to which the opposite happened-she sobbed over every card addressed to her, ex-h and dc, because it reminded her each time. They were in the same situation as you, still living together, but separating.

This is one of the reasons I don't write names in cards. (as thread earlier). Because you can be upsetting someone if you write their ex-h in, or if you don't write him in, or if you haven't had the word that their 3rd dc arrived at the beginning of December, they've fallen out with eldest daughter whose name shall never darken their doors again...

TheGostOfChristmasCards Tue 11-Dec-12 16:52:59

thank you smile

I'm not entirely sure what H has told them, although he did say he'd told them that it wasn't just me and that there were issues on both sides. Although whether that was communicated from his parents to the rest of the family I don't know. I guess it's possible that ILs will have put their own slant on things.

The DC have asked if their grandparents can come and see our new house and I've said that yes of course they can and would always be welcome there. I'm not one for making enemies and these are my children's family after all so there is IMO nothing to be gained from excluding people just because me and DH aren't together any more. If we can be amicable and stay friends, then why can't other people.

But I will now bin it and go in search of wine

5Foot5 Tue 11-Dec-12 16:55:42

Maybe the aunt thought it was the right thing to do?

Agreed. It can be very difficult for someone on the outside to know what is the right thing to do. She know you are splitting up and she might think she will cause offence if she ignores that fact. It could be a deliberate snub - but not necessarily.

Santasapunkatheart Tue 11-Dec-12 16:56:27

That's a horrible and spiteful thing for them to do...if you live in the same household it would not have hurt to have added you in or even given you a separate card.

My mother in law sent me a Christmas card last year and used my maiden name.....although I had only separated from OH for less than six months.

But yes, you are going to be tender about a lot of things at the moment.

Hugs and understanding.

Here's my card:

To TheGost(who is going through a hard time)

Have a wonderful Christmas and I promise my dear - things will get better.

xx

Santasapunkatheart

JeezyOrangePips Tue 11-Dec-12 16:59:34

YABU.

Do you think your ex-H would be in floods of tears if your family was to write a card to just you?

If your niece/sister/friend had split from her partner, would you still send a card with both names on?

I wouldn't. If both were part of my life I would send two cards. If not, I'd send one with just my family/friend's name on.

When my ex split up and we were in the same house, he and the kids got invited to his nephew's wedding. I wasn't invited. It didn't occur to me to think that was anything other than perfectly reasonable.

I wouldn't bin the card. Your DH is entitled to a card from his aunt, and you shouldn't be opening post not addressed to you anyway.

FrameyMcFrame Tue 11-Dec-12 17:01:13

Burn it. They are twats.

bradyismyfavouritewiseman Tue 11-Dec-12 17:02:56

There is no 'right' way to act.

Some people wouldn't have wanted a card sending to everyone. Some people would have felt like people were ignoring the split.

Fact is, she is stbxh aunt. She may not have done it to be mean.

TheGostOfChristmasCards Tue 11-Dec-12 17:14:11

JeezyOrangePips the only reason we (actually it was DS because he recognised it as a Christmas card) opened it was because it was clearly a Christmas card and not something confidential.

I do get the not being invited to things etc, and there have been events that DH and the DC have gone to which I haven't been included in and that's fine.

But actually I don't get this notion that everyone should fall out and that there should be bitterness from people who aren't actually directly involved in the split especially when the parties who are involved are able to do it amicably.

My family haven't felt the need to fall out with H. Yes they have made their opinions very clear and have had things to say initially but whether they like it or not we have a common bond anyway in the DC and creating further issues by all getting involved in it all and taking sides just makes things more bitter than they need to be. We are all adults.

JeezyOrangePips Tue 11-Dec-12 17:19:35

Has the aunt fallen out with you?

I think you are reading much more into this as is meant.

She is writing a card to her single nephew and her great-nephews. That would be standard.

I wouldn't have thought it usual to include ex-partners in christmas cards.

Why don't you write a card to his aunt and see if you get one back?

Stuffingballs Tue 11-Dec-12 17:22:41

Maybe she in a dilemma about what to write in the card,as you aren't a couple anymore?

I don't think she was being spiteful.

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