To not want this woman to replace the kids she can't have with mine?

(389 Posts)
HandsOFFplease Mon 10-Dec-12 06:16:49

Get your biscuit and brew ready, long post to avoid drip feeding. Long time lurker, first time I'm posting.

Amicably split up with ExDP when DS was 4 and DD 6 months, was pleased that he moved on pretty quickly, but had issues with his new DP and the way she acted around my DCs straight away. Over the past 2 year she has become un-fucking-bearable and I'm at my wits end and clueless as to what to do about her. She was told at a young age she couldn't have children as she delights in telling everyone she knows repeatedly at every chance she gets and it's obviously been a major issue for her all her life, she started IVF privately less than three months after getting with my ExDP, and is constantly trying to undermine me and take over the care of my DC's.

1) Two weeks after he began to date ExDP she had pictures of my DC on her facebook, one of which was of her bottle feeding my daughter (I didn't even know they'd met her at this point) with the tag, 'mummy time' others has tags like 'my handsome boy' I immediately texted ExDP and told him to get her to take them down. She set her facebook to private so I couldn't see if she had them up or not and then sent me text messages telling me she was just trying to bond with the children and that I was being unreasonable.

2) I invited her and ExDP to DD's first birthday party, she spent the entire day monopolizing DD refusing to allow anyone else to hold her, insisted she was in every photograph with her and even tried to open her presents with her. When I put my foot down and refused, she told me it was unfair that I was excluding her and stormed out of the house crying.

3) Convinced herself and ExDP that DS had a wheat allergy, no idea where this came from as he has never had any issues with allergies, started him on a wheat free diet at her house and tried to make me follow it, phoned up his school behind my back to tell them he had this allergy and she was worried that I wasn't taking it seriously enough.

4) She took my DD for her first haircut w/o asking me and is constantly taking DS despite me repeatedly asking her not to cut his hair. She has kept DS off of school to take him to unnecessary Doctors/Dentist appointments w/o asking me, I only found out when I received absence letters from the school.

5) Bitched, whined and moaned from day one that ExDP doesn't get enough time with the DC, despite the fact he suggested our current arrangements and has never said he's unhappy with them.

6) Sent me nasty messages when I went back to work and chose to put DD in a nursery instead of allowing her to look after her during the day.

7) When DS starred in the Christmas Nativity she demanded I force my DM to give up her ticket to her so she could come see him (there was a limited number of tickets per child), when I refused she accused me of trying to 'keep the children out of her life'. My DM had terminal cancer; she won't be able to see him perform again.

8) Constantly feeds the DCs chocolate and sweets, knowing I'm trying to limit them, encourages DS to lie to me about this.
.
9) Tried to start potty training DD when I specifically asked her not to, as she wasn't ready for it.

10) I'm still very close to ExDP's PIL they think she is a weirdo they invited me to a family BBQ, I left children with a close family friend for the night. She spent the entire night making comments about how she would never leave them alone and said I was selfish to put a night out before my DC.

11) ExDP couldn't make it to Parent's Evening so she came instead; she repeatedly interrupted the teacher and ranted about how the school was not doing enough to support DS's learning. I have never had an issues with his schooling, I was absolutely mortified and had to apologize to DS's teacher.

12) Threw a massive tantrum in front of the DC during handover and made them cry when I told her explicitly she would not be taking them out of school/nursery to go on honeymoon with her and ExDP for 2 weeks to Australia DS still hasn't forgiven me.

13) MIL phoned me and told me she'd invited ExDP and his DP over for a meal, apparently she'd spent the night with ExDP discussing the likelihood of them getting custody of the DCs if they went to court!

14) Is CONSTANTLY buying them expensive presents turning them into spoilt brats which they can only play with at her house. DS now tells me he wants to stay at his Dad's because it's much more fun than here.

15) Found out I hadn't breastfed my DC and spent a family party telling all who would listen, had they been her DCs she would have done it because she's not selfish and cares about their health.

This all came to a head tonight at handover when she revealed she's had the DC's names tattooed horribly on her chest. I admittedly lost my temper and told her she needed to stop trying to replace me and that my kids are my kids, to which she replied she was a far better mother than me and it was unfair that she couldn't have kids and I could.

I honestly cannot deal with this headcase woman anymore. I've tried to raise this issue with ExDP and told him that I feel like she's trying to replace the children she can't have with our DC, but he completely supports her and thinks I am being unreasonable and that it's unfair of me to not let her have an equal say in how they are raised. I've warned him that if she doesn't back off I'm going to stop contact, I have no idea what she's saying to them when they are at his house. As I said, I'm not the only person who sees this, the majority of his family agree with me.

AIBU?

KindleMum Mon 10-Dec-12 09:06:24

She sounds entirely unhinged and dangerous. Is it possible to register with the Passport Office to tell them that no new passports can be issued for your kids without your consent? Your kids aren't entitled to any other nationality of passport are they, that could be applied for without you knowing?

carabos Mon 10-Dec-12 09:08:00

This post makes me feel very anxious as it takes me back to my own divorce.

DS was 4. His father became involved with another woman very shortly after we split up. She didn't know me well, although she wasn't a stranger. She immediately set about destroying my reputation and trying to remove me from DS's life.

She arranged for 50/50 custody (as it was then) but it turned out that this meant DS was spending at lot of time with her very elderly parents. Her father, who was in his 80s, would collect DS from school and he would have tea at her parents' house. The father used smacking as discipline and told DS that he wasn't to talk about me as I didn't love him as much as OW and he would soon not be seeing me anymore.

OW would give instructions to school, HCPs and others, kept all his nice clothes (chosen and bought by me) and sent him home in clothes that weren't new, didn't fit and didn't belong to him.

It all came to a head when they got married and they tried to pretend they were taking DS on honeymoon with them (to the Maldives). In fact, they had arranged to leave him with XH's parents rather than return him to me. It turned out that they planned to use this as "evidence" that I didn't want him. I was having none of it, involved lawyers and went to collect him after the wedding as per the consequent court order.

When I got there, the XPiLs had disappeared, leaving a note stuck to the window telling me that I wasn't ever getting him back and I should leave them alone. This was reinforced by XBiL (who was at the house) telling me that by the time XH got back from honeymoon all the legalities would be in place.

Cutting this very long story short, it took 3 weeks, hot and cold running barristers, a court order and threats of involving the police before my child was returned to me. XH's contact was severely curtailed after that, but he carried on with legal action to get custody, eventually giving up about six months later. DS hasn't seen him for 20 years.

OP, cease contact immediately, don't worry about seeming unreasonable and do everything and anything you have to do to get back in control. I know two women who did not take advice, went along with the being reasonable scenario and both lost their children. Try to remember that while it may be very frightening and you will feel threatened and alone, there are no real, effective sanctions that can be applied to you if you refuse contact - your children are very small and the relationship with the mother is the primary one.

Your XH can huff and puff all he likes but he can't blow your house down.

Icelollycraving Mon 10-Dec-12 09:14:15

Omfg!!! shock
How you have remained so calm is a mystery to me. I just know I'd have done something to her by now. I would have gone for expartner to have only managed access.
Kungfupanda has given loads of really great advice,now you need to get on with the plann

Icelollycraving Mon 10-Dec-12 09:15:00

planning to stop this worrying behaviour around your family.

pictish Mon 10-Dec-12 09:15:20

Blimey!!! shock

First of all I want to say I support you fully. This woman is frightening, and I would feel exactly as you do.

Be very careful how you deal with this. She will be looking for any chink in your armour to exploit for her own gain, so you must remain calm and cool in any dealings with her or your ex. Even if you understandably want to tear the eyes from her head.

You need legal advice of course. Get some.

EleanorGiftbasket Mon 10-Dec-12 09:18:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DialMforMummy Mon 10-Dec-12 09:18:30

YANBU to call her a nutcase. She seems determined so you have to play our cards right.
The wheat allergy and the taking DC to the GP smells of Munchhausen. Maybe if you showed the op to your ex, that might bring him back to reality.
Agree that Kungfupanda is on the ball.

pictish Mon 10-Dec-12 09:21:48

I do have to offer you huge kudos for managing to not kick the living shit out of her by now btw.

Yeah yeah violence is wrong, we know...and of course, it would only ever serve to cause you dreadful grief in the long run, so it's an absolute no goer.

I'm just saying, you can see how some people lose their shit sometimes, that's all. Well done for not.

expatinscotland Mon 10-Dec-12 09:24:08

I would have seen a solicitor long before it got to this point.

You need one. Right now.

BumBiscuits Mon 10-Dec-12 09:26:13

Your OP makes me feel nervous. That woman is unhinged.

I'm not an expert but please do what you can do legally to curtail the access she has to your DC.

All doctors/dentist/the school/clubs etc. should know she cannot make parental decisions wrt your kids.

WeAreEternal Mon 10-Dec-12 09:28:52

Tell him he can collect them at 5pm when he finishes work then, and I'd he leaves before school in the morning he can drop them back at your house on the way to work.

She should not be doing any paranting of your children, she is not a parent, she is just his girlfriend.

pictish Mon 10-Dec-12 09:29:39

I am astonished at the blatancy and ownership displayed by the tattoos!!

She is mental and a total force to be reckoned with. She means to have those children under her spell.
Your ex is a total arsehiole to be going along with this.

Kill them. Kill them both. metaphorically speaking

JingleBellaTheGymnast Mon 10-Dec-12 09:35:23

Dear god, OP, this is horrendous! I think WeAreEternal's post is spot on, she is not a parent, she is his girlfriend.

Definitely ask him how he would feel if a new boyfriend of yours did this.

Does ExDP have a weakness for troubled women? He really has to man up here and see how unreasonable all this is. Agreed, see if you can enlist the help of the PIL to talk to him.

ethelb Mon 10-Dec-12 09:36:50

This sounds awful, I have nothing to add except you can legally request your son's medical notes from the surgery.

In this situation I imagine the GP would be quite happy to assist.

MissVerinder Mon 10-Dec-12 09:38:16

Get a Solicitor, do what Kungfupanda said; she is clearly pulling the long con here and has plans for the future of the children that probably do not include you.

Your ex needs a reality check and soon- glad you PiL are on board.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Mon 10-Dec-12 09:39:06

Hideous. Lawyer up, learn exactly what you can do to get her away from your child, don't engage with her, don't try & be reasonable to the extent that she can walk over you. She sounds like she would play on your attempts to be amicable to keep control over the dc. I'd go very distant & very formal... Very quickly. Everything by the book but no excuses for her crazy & unhinged behaviour. Your ex also needs to take responsibility, he is enabling her behaviour & almost making himself absent from the situation. A letter from a solicitor should stop this surely? He needs to understand that he is the parent, not her... Good luck op.

havingastress Mon 10-Dec-12 09:39:59

YANBU. She sounds like a total nutcase. You need to protect your kids. Legal advice now I would say!

BumBiscuits Mon 10-Dec-12 09:40:09

Is your ex-P lazy? Does it suit him to have her doing the parenting?

pictish Mon 10-Dec-12 09:40:43

He won't listen.
She will have him wrapped up there snugly in her sticky web.

I definitely think it's worth going through the in laws, telling them everything detailed here, just as it is. Their support will be invaluable.

However, to my mind this is such an inappropriate and frightening situation, that I think the plot has been lost a long time ago, and no amount of pep talking from mum and dad will get it back into perspective. There are tattoos!!

Solicitor, solicitor, solicitor...and do the other stuff as well, after seeing the solicitor first.

piprabbit Mon 10-Dec-12 09:42:41

That sounds like a really scary list of weird behaviours shock.

I am concerned that she may get to the point where her relationship with your ExDP is less important to her than having access to your children. It sounds as though she might be seeing your ExDP as a means of having children of her own either via IVF or by 'acquiring' your DCs, rather than because she wants your ExDP for his own sake.

I think it sounds like a really frightening situation and I'm worried about how far she would be prepared to go to keep the children for herself - especially if she felt she could no longer rely on ExDPs support in ensuring that she, as well as he, will have contact in future.

orchidee Mon 10-Dec-12 09:42:49

I agree with previous advice regarding getting a solicitor involved and having formal discussions with the school and GP surgery to explain that she has no parental responsibility. I would also discuss with your HV and GP your concerns that she may be mentally unstable. This anxiety over healthy children's health could be a sign of Munchausen's by proxy, which I have been told be a paediatric nurse friend is more common that we may expect. This woman seems desperate to have co.trol of these children and unfortunately, their father seems happy to let her. The children need someone to represent their best interests. This has gone past "being polite and not offending anyone."

orchidee Mon 10-Dec-12 09:45:13

(continued) e.g. whether or not the father would be on board with changing school pickups etc.

I do not mean to be alarmist but thus woman may decide the children are better off without either of their natural parents.

5madthings Mon 10-Dec-12 09:45:14

Yasooonbu!! Sorry but she sounds totally unhinged.

You have recieved excellent advice on hear but one point, the drs surgery said they cant be expected to know what you look like....dodgy but when she called to make the app she would have had to say who she was in relation to the child, ie i call and say 'i need ti make an appointment for my son xxxx'

I think to get an app she probably lied about who she was and then continued that pretence at the surgery? Is this an offence legally?

This is a horrible situation, and I think you should be scared, unfortunatley.

It sounds like your ex is just a lazy sod who is leaving the care of his kids to the nut job because he can't be bothered frankly.

What do you think about the advice you have received here OP? Are you going to a solicitor?

fosterdream Mon 10-Dec-12 09:46:55

OMG if I didn't know how crazy people can be I wouldn't believe this!

She has a plan you're ex may not know about but will have been planting seeds in his feeble head! Go get legal advice ASAP take a day off work

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