To not want this woman to replace the kids she can't have with mine?

(389 Posts)
HandsOFFplease Mon 10-Dec-12 06:16:49

Get your biscuit and brew ready, long post to avoid drip feeding. Long time lurker, first time I'm posting.

Amicably split up with ExDP when DS was 4 and DD 6 months, was pleased that he moved on pretty quickly, but had issues with his new DP and the way she acted around my DCs straight away. Over the past 2 year she has become un-fucking-bearable and I'm at my wits end and clueless as to what to do about her. She was told at a young age she couldn't have children as she delights in telling everyone she knows repeatedly at every chance she gets and it's obviously been a major issue for her all her life, she started IVF privately less than three months after getting with my ExDP, and is constantly trying to undermine me and take over the care of my DC's.

1) Two weeks after he began to date ExDP she had pictures of my DC on her facebook, one of which was of her bottle feeding my daughter (I didn't even know they'd met her at this point) with the tag, 'mummy time' others has tags like 'my handsome boy' I immediately texted ExDP and told him to get her to take them down. She set her facebook to private so I couldn't see if she had them up or not and then sent me text messages telling me she was just trying to bond with the children and that I was being unreasonable.

2) I invited her and ExDP to DD's first birthday party, she spent the entire day monopolizing DD refusing to allow anyone else to hold her, insisted she was in every photograph with her and even tried to open her presents with her. When I put my foot down and refused, she told me it was unfair that I was excluding her and stormed out of the house crying.

3) Convinced herself and ExDP that DS had a wheat allergy, no idea where this came from as he has never had any issues with allergies, started him on a wheat free diet at her house and tried to make me follow it, phoned up his school behind my back to tell them he had this allergy and she was worried that I wasn't taking it seriously enough.

4) She took my DD for her first haircut w/o asking me and is constantly taking DS despite me repeatedly asking her not to cut his hair. She has kept DS off of school to take him to unnecessary Doctors/Dentist appointments w/o asking me, I only found out when I received absence letters from the school.

5) Bitched, whined and moaned from day one that ExDP doesn't get enough time with the DC, despite the fact he suggested our current arrangements and has never said he's unhappy with them.

6) Sent me nasty messages when I went back to work and chose to put DD in a nursery instead of allowing her to look after her during the day.

7) When DS starred in the Christmas Nativity she demanded I force my DM to give up her ticket to her so she could come see him (there was a limited number of tickets per child), when I refused she accused me of trying to 'keep the children out of her life'. My DM had terminal cancer; she won't be able to see him perform again.

8) Constantly feeds the DCs chocolate and sweets, knowing I'm trying to limit them, encourages DS to lie to me about this.
.
9) Tried to start potty training DD when I specifically asked her not to, as she wasn't ready for it.

10) I'm still very close to ExDP's PIL they think she is a weirdo they invited me to a family BBQ, I left children with a close family friend for the night. She spent the entire night making comments about how she would never leave them alone and said I was selfish to put a night out before my DC.

11) ExDP couldn't make it to Parent's Evening so she came instead; she repeatedly interrupted the teacher and ranted about how the school was not doing enough to support DS's learning. I have never had an issues with his schooling, I was absolutely mortified and had to apologize to DS's teacher.

12) Threw a massive tantrum in front of the DC during handover and made them cry when I told her explicitly she would not be taking them out of school/nursery to go on honeymoon with her and ExDP for 2 weeks to Australia DS still hasn't forgiven me.

13) MIL phoned me and told me she'd invited ExDP and his DP over for a meal, apparently she'd spent the night with ExDP discussing the likelihood of them getting custody of the DCs if they went to court!

14) Is CONSTANTLY buying them expensive presents turning them into spoilt brats which they can only play with at her house. DS now tells me he wants to stay at his Dad's because it's much more fun than here.

15) Found out I hadn't breastfed my DC and spent a family party telling all who would listen, had they been her DCs she would have done it because she's not selfish and cares about their health.

This all came to a head tonight at handover when she revealed she's had the DC's names tattooed horribly on her chest. I admittedly lost my temper and told her she needed to stop trying to replace me and that my kids are my kids, to which she replied she was a far better mother than me and it was unfair that she couldn't have kids and I could.

I honestly cannot deal with this headcase woman anymore. I've tried to raise this issue with ExDP and told him that I feel like she's trying to replace the children she can't have with our DC, but he completely supports her and thinks I am being unreasonable and that it's unfair of me to not let her have an equal say in how they are raised. I've warned him that if she doesn't back off I'm going to stop contact, I have no idea what she's saying to them when they are at his house. As I said, I'm not the only person who sees this, the majority of his family agree with me.

AIBU?

HollyBerryBush Mon 10-Dec-12 06:48:20

Oh yes, she's making plans

MIL phoned me and told me she'd invited ExDP and his DP over for a meal, apparently she'd spent the night with ExDP discussing the likelihood of them getting custody of the DCs if they went to court!

HandsOFFplease Mon 10-Dec-12 06:54:03

Holly Yeah, that's one of the reasons I didn't want them to take the DCs on honeymoon, I don't think she'd have any qualms about disappearing with them.

BellaOfTheBalls Mon 10-Dec-12 06:56:55

She needs boundaries, although setting them is another matter! I would be livid if anyone aside from direct family tattooed my DCs names on themselves, and even then I'd be a bit hmm not to mention all of the other things listed here.

Keep a diary definitely. Save any text messages that seem unpleasant. Your poor DCs; this must be so confusing for them, having someone close to them bad mouth their mother.

WeAreEternal Mon 10-Dec-12 06:57:07

I find her behaviour very worrying.

IIWM I would be telling exh that you do not want her to have contact with your children for the forcible future because you are concerned by her behaviour.
I would tell exh that he is welcome to come and see the dc's every day for as long as he want, at your house, but she is not welcome.

I would also go to the nursery/school/doctors and tell them that this woman has been displaying worrying bahavour towards your children and that she is not allowed anywhere near them, and if she tries to take them they need to call you imidiatly.

auntpetunia Mon 10-Dec-12 06:59:14

So if they stay Mon to Wed how much time do they spend with dad if he's too busy working? If older dc is at school during day is she dropping off and picking up? Where is baby during day, with her playing mummy's or at nursery? Surely the point of contact is for dad and dcs to spend time together, which would be better of a weekend. That would at least mean dad is around to temper some of her madness.

I would be going straight to a solicitor to reassess contact and put some rules in place for her. Don't communicate with her, don't hand over to her only to their dad, make sure school know by solicitors letter that she has No rights over your children can't take them Dr's, dentist or hospital without your written permission.

TheMonster Mon 10-Dec-12 07:01:31

Oh my god. I would be livid. Can you refuse them access? Is that allowed?

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Mon 10-Dec-12 07:02:00

Oh HandsOFF what a horrible situation, definitely time to do something, first thing I would do, is make sure the school knew she is not to take them out, how is this possible anyway??

Have a serious conversation with your ex. and say how serious this has become.

Tattoos of their names?? Jesus, good luck love

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow Mon 10-Dec-12 07:03:04

Also what auntpetunia said.

HandsOFFplease Mon 10-Dec-12 07:05:40

Aunt He finishes work around 5, from what I gather he tends to let her get on with the main care whilst he's the 'fun dad' who messes about with them IYSWIM. I have raised this with him before and said he needs to be the one who is taking care of them, but he shrugged it off and I get the feeling that it's much easier for him to allow her do it all. DD is at nursery during the day, ExDP would notbe okay with me telling the school she can't pick them up/not letting her pick them up at handover etc as he can't because he's working.

I have to go to work now, but I'll read/respond to comments when I get back. Thanks for the advice guys.

exoticfruits Mon 10-Dec-12 07:06:41

I read the title thinking it would be a case of you being unreasonable but it is an appalling situation and she is completely loopy and unreasonable.
Firstly, stay very calm and reasonable yourself (which you appear to be doing) which is easier when you have reason on your side e.g. The mad scheme to take them on honeymoon. The more reasonable you are with teachers etc the more unhinged she seems in comparison.
Secondly keep up the friendly relationship with your ex PIL - again, the more normal you are the more it shows her up.
Thirdly, keep a notebook of dates and behaviour.
Fourthly don't engage with any of her rantings- keep above it e.g. the breast feeding, don't explain or justify just ignore.
Lastly, I would get some legal advice.
She sounds like the subject of a film and quite scary. Good luck.

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine Mon 10-Dec-12 07:10:45

The doctors surgery are legally obliged only to make appointments and give information to people with legal parental responsibility , under the Data Protection Act, so telling you receptionists cant be expected to remember everyone's parents is a cop out -the onus is on them to make sure they get it right.

AltinkumATEalltheTurkey Mon 10-Dec-12 07:11:57

If he can't do the handover, then new access arrangements needs to be made.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 10-Dec-12 07:12:07

YANBU

Have you asked your ex how he would feel if you has a boyfriend who acted like thus?

Morloth Mon 10-Dec-12 07:14:48

Where are their passports?

PenguinBear Mon 10-Dec-12 07:15:04

Agree that if he cannot do the handover, something we should be arranged. How long has she been in their lives now?

I'd definitely take legal advice as it sounds to me ( from the conversation that you mentioned with Pil) that she will seek custody at some point.

QuickQuickSleigh Mon 10-Dec-12 07:20:28

YANBU and I agree with the comments above about getting legal advice.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 10-Dec-12 07:22:58

I think she's a fruit loop. But isn't it more standard to have one weekend day each, or every other weekend and an overnight? Just wonder, if it goes to court, if it will work out that contact shifts to all day Sunday and mon/tue nights. Might that be better, as at least your ex would be there in the Sunday?

I don't see why your ex would get custody though. Please get a lawyer, as Morloth said.

McPheastOfStephen Mon 10-Dec-12 07:26:45

She doesn't sound 'well' to me

Reading this makes me feel very uncomfortable

I honestly think you need legal advice about this.

ChasedByBees Mon 10-Dec-12 07:27:36

Wow, not much to add but she sounds so scary! I would be getting legal advice ASAP. I think as she's the DP of your partner rather than wife she would have little or no actual rights, is that correct?

I would also say she can't pick them up from school - you ex may not be happy but so what? He is meant to be doing the care. She can't be trusted to get them to school on time.

Enforcing a diet for a wheat allergy and taking them to the doctors Sounds almost munchausen-esque (it probably isn't - I think it's another way for her to try and assert her authority).

Get legal help ASAP and be prepared for this split to be one much less amicable. You have to if your ex is joining in conversations about getting custody particularly as he doesn't actually seem to do any childcare

Violet77 Mon 10-Dec-12 07:29:42

This sounds like a nightmare, she is definately crazy and very very scary.

You need to put a stop to it now. I have a family member with boundary issues and she has been marginalised and only allowed supervised contact. She worries me greatly and my job is to protect my children as is yours.

If i was you i would be cutting all contact for the forseeable future. I would welcome childrens dad into my home ( only reasonable and will show you in a good light) but until a court sorts this out no way she would have access to my children.

I would be informing, school, doctors ect that she is a risk and would be taking every step to ram the message home.

I would be sitting down with x to make this crystal clear.( show him the list of unnacceptable behaviour) I doubt you can stop her seeing them long term but the goal is to show her the line!

Document everything, get legal advice immediately. Be strong.

sashh Mon 10-Dec-12 07:36:12

Get a solicitor, get a restraining order. She is dangerous.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Mon 10-Dec-12 07:43:02

I read your thread title thinking 'where's your compassion?', only to read your post in increasing shock and finish reading it very worried.

You need to sit your ex-P down, spell out to him that this cannot go on and exactly how intrusive and inappropriate it is. Tell him you will be taking legal advice (and I think you need to now, at least get advice, no matter how ex-P responds to a serious chat).

Do not contact this woman directly any more; block her email and mobile number so she cannot contact you. Communication needs to happen between you and ex-P only. Instruct school/nursery etc. to not give out any information to her and not to authorise her to do anything with the children beyond pre-arranged drop-off/collecting without checking with you first.

This woman sounds desperately unhappy about not being able to have children, but this has gone far beyond the bounds of any normal and reasonable response to that sadness. She could do great damage.

I'm sorry you have this to deal with.

IncrediblePhatTheInnkeepersCat Mon 10-Dec-12 07:53:13

YANBU

It definitely sounds as though she is gearing up to go to court for sole custody (would exp support her in that?).

You've had some great advice already regarding documentation. One further precautionary step I suggest you take is to take DS to get tested for allergies by a professional. You'll then have the official evidence that he's fine. It sounds as though she wants to go for the angle that you are neglecting their health needs with all of the appointments and comments to others.

It also sounds like she wants to show that you don't care enough about his schooling by making up issues. If you could get a print out of his attendance that would help. Highlight the lateness/absence that she is responsible for.

I would also get custody reassessed so it takes place EO weekend and one mid-week date.

Good luck OP. Document everything.

SantasComingFace Mon 10-Dec-12 07:53:30

I may have missed it but how long has this been going on?

I agree with what you say about the doctors, I mean if she says they is their mum how do they know different. Good that they will let you know about appointments. Does your surgery offer text confirmation of appointments? If so register your mobile with them to avoid anyone 'forgetting' to let you know. And yes to getting legal advice sooner rather than later. I think it's a very worrying situation. :-(

diddl Mon 10-Dec-12 08:05:13

What a horrible frightening situation.

As an aside-can she do Drs appointments with their father´s permission?

I started thinking-well at least she cares for them.

But now I´m thinking-what if she flips whilst with them?

I think they should be kept away from her.

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