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to not want to pay for my friend to have a party!?

(85 Posts)
charlmarascoxo Thu 06-Dec-12 19:16:34

Good friend of mine is having her first dc in less than 2 months. She has two older sisters who have decided to throw her party/baby shower as a surprise.

One good friend (who is also invited, she is going to Godmother) has forwarded on to me a text saying that the sister is asking for donations towards the food and decorations for the shower.

I found it rude that I wasn't asked by the sister herself and that I'm expected to contribute too as it sounds like its compulsory. If its not paid before the party then we should give her the money when we get there (shes hosting it at her house).

We were told that we didn't have to bring gifts if we didn't want to, but obviously I am going to get her a gift.

She is a good friend and I want her to have a good baby shower but why should I and all the guests be expected to pay for it?


Ponyinthepool Sat 08-Dec-12 09:30:45

If they'd set their stall out from the start ie. 'we're having a party and it's £10 per head' that would've been fine but to invite you first and hijack you for money later is completely off.

Suggest you go hungry and take a doggy bag for leftovers.. Please let us know what they feed you (anything less than a 10oz steak and you've been ripped off).

Doitnicelyplease Sat 08-Dec-12 06:50:40

A common way to host baby showers in North America is to do them pot luck style so everyone brings a different dish to contribute to food, they are not really drinking occasions so just a few bottles of sparkling wine should do it.

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to 'spoil ' the mum to be with a get together and a few gifts ( you just get them something now rather than later)

There is no reason for it too be grabby or particularly cost a lot, the hostess is out of order asking for money

DingDongErrorlyOnHigh Fri 07-Dec-12 23:13:44

expat I don't agree with organisers making guests put down a 'deposit' for a party they're hosting. It is pretty ridiculous and I hate asking people for money (especially if I don't know them.) Was just speculating that this could be the case in this situation.

stifnstav Fri 07-Dec-12 22:04:14

So have you checked with the godmother or the organiser directly OP to see if every guest is expected to contribute?

SantaWearsGreen Fri 07-Dec-12 19:46:31

Its a bit weird asking imo.. I can't even imagine deciding to throw a surprise party for someone but only if the guests all chip in. Its just weird and rude too. I've never heard of anything like it. Your contribution is the gift for the mum and baby!

Baby showers suck anyway.

Pantofino Fri 07-Dec-12 19:05:55

I cannot imagine asking someone to my house for food or whatever, and then text them asking for a financial contribution. That being said Op said "sister is asking for donations towards the food and decorations for the shower. " Well the donation does not have to be cash does it. You could offer to buy a helium balloon or bake something and be polite, rather than causing a huge hoohah and drama about it,

expatinscotland Fri 07-Dec-12 18:06:21

'I helped organise a baby shower with 2 friends and we shared the cost. 4 of the non-contributing invitees turned up (after already going to the pub first), ate loads of our prepared food, didn't seem that arsed about games, or getting to know anyone they didn't already know, and then left after an hour ish... to go on a night out. I'd say the person organising the one you're going to wants a bit of cash as a deposit, to ensure you that if you do this kind of thing as above, then you've at least invested some effort into it.'

A deposit. For a party? For the love of Pete!

What next? Come to a dinner party, but I'm charging for it.

If the organisers can't afford to throw this lady a party then don't.

The cheek of people just gets worse and worse.

DingDongErrorlyOnHigh Thu 06-Dec-12 23:25:18

Reading back as well, maybe it was a mistakenly forwarded text like someone else said. To clarify about my situation, the 3 of us were perfectly happy to foot the entire cost, and we didn't want to ask anyone else for money (especially as we didn't know them), but if we'd known how they were going to behave, then we might have suggested it.

My last comment about the wedding dress thread wasn't meant to be sarcastic. Just think you should definitely consider whether or not you want to be in the company of people who have such warped ideas, I know you want to be there for your pregnant friend though so it's tricky. Also, how many people are going to the party? Say if it's 15, is it really going to cost £150 to put together? I'd want to enjoy the company of my friends, not bankrupt them. Think perhaps you should text back to clarify if this info is correct. Though somehow do it without sounding arsey!

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Thu 06-Dec-12 23:19:44

i wouldnt get so uptight about it OP - i dont get baby showers - i was invited to one recently and i declined, i didnt want to go.

i put into a collection for a gift.and was then asked to contribute a further £10 for vouchers for the shower. i just simply declined and said i had put in for the gift and couldnt really afford it. no biggie.

can you just not say "no thank you"? and forget it?

DingDongErrorlyOnHigh Thu 06-Dec-12 23:15:23

I helped organise a baby shower with 2 friends and we shared the cost. 4 of the non-contributing invitees turned up (after already going to the pub first), ate loads of our prepared food, didn't seem that arsed about games, or getting to know anyone they didn't already know, and then left after an hour ish... to go on a night out. I'd say the person organising the one you're going to wants a bit of cash as a deposit, to ensure you that if you do this kind of thing as above, then you've at least invested some effort into it.

Me and me organiser friends felt quite disappointed that they saw the event as a halfway house between pubs, just for the free food. If it's a reasonable amount, say up to £5, I would pay up. But if you really feel uncomfortable doing this (as they want £10), then why not offer to help out in some other way, like setting up on the night.

Some of the women at the shower I was at didn't even bring presents, which I think defeats the object of the term 'shower', but that's none of my business, they might be waiting until baby arrives.

I remember your wedding dress thread OP, you sure do hang out with some weirdos... do you really want to go to this party?

ellee Thu 06-Dec-12 23:00:13

I think stif might be right actully, they're hardly asking everyone for £10! Must be a mistake.

BackforGood Thu 06-Dec-12 22:59:58

Thing being, when the baby has arrived safely is when I would go round, admire said baby, see if there was anything I could do to support new Mum and generally make a fuss of her, and take a gift. If I have understood it correctly, these baby shower things happen when the new Mum is still a Mum to be. There's many that would say it is bad luck to have things in, before the baby is safely here. Personally, I'm not that superstitious (although have met many who are), but I actually like the chance to go round and meet the new baby and be able to offer my support as I take my gift once the baby is born

ellee Thu 06-Dec-12 22:56:46

It's a bit weird though isn't it? I thought the purpose(ish) of a baby shower was to kit the new mum out with stuff for the baby? Here, the "hostess" is snaffling the contribution for the party food!

I think it's v off personally. Really crass to ask for money and then to ask by a forwarded text!

Are they that hard up?

charlmarascoxo Thu 06-Dec-12 22:46:07

festivelyfocussed I never once stated that baby showers are 'grabby'

And I also stated right from the start that I am and was always going to buy her a gift. Regardless of having to contribute £10.

charlmarascoxo Thu 06-Dec-12 22:44:54

suburbophobe I think you may have misunderstood, these are different people. One a friends sister and the other a work colleague. Neither of them I would consider to be a friend.

BOFingSanta I write a few posts and suddenly I have self-esteem issues. Really?

I think you should read what Janeatthebarre has said.

FivesGoldNorks Thu 06-Dec-12 22:22:04


RudolphTheRedNosedGiraffe Thu 06-Dec-12 22:18:51

I thought YABU until I read that they've actually asked for a specific amount of money, and a ridiculous amount at that, for drinks and nibbles at someone's house. If it was a request to "chip in a few pounds" I'd find that much easier to take, personally I'd rather bring food than money but it'd still seem reasonable. But £10 is way too much. I wonder if stifnstav is right and they didn't intend for the text to be sent to you.
But if it was me I'd do it anyway, for the sake of my friend and not creating bad feelings.

Janeatthebarre Thu 06-Dec-12 22:15:56

Artex What exactly is your problem? This is a forum for people to sound off about things that are bugging them. It's fun and a way of venting without upsetting people in real life. Why are you going back over OPs posts as if she's doing something wrong. She's using the forum for its given purpose.
Your posts sound a bit weird and stalkerish.

festivelyfocussed Thu 06-Dec-12 22:14:05

Fwiw if this is a good friend, in your position I would just have handed over the 10 quid and bought a pressie by now.
I don't see baby showers as grabby, just a way of celebrating a big life event with family/ friends.

suburbophobe Thu 06-Dec-12 22:09:02

They wanted your wedding dress and now you are being commandeered (sp?) to go to a baby shower and pay for food/drink/present...?

Frankly, I wouldn't even give these people the time of day.

I will decide myself what and when/if I want to do something, thank you.

These people are not your friends. <sorry>

stifnstav Thu 06-Dec-12 22:08:29

Is there not a chance that the sisters have sent the text to the godmother with the intention of those three putting in £30 for food and the godmother has got the wrong end of the stick and forwarded it?

OhDearNigel Thu 06-Dec-12 22:06:27

TwoHats, I organise quite a lot of parties, both personal and for our Rotary club. You'd be surprised how easily costs mount up when you include everything

OhDearNigel Thu 06-Dec-12 22:04:46

I suppose it depends on whether the hostess is going all out and buying lots of balloons, party favours, personalised stationery etc in this stylee. If you look at baby shower stuff on pinterest Americans must splash some serious cash when hosting them.

If it's £10 for a curled up sarnie and glass of cheap cava you've been ripped off but if the hostess is doing a lovely meal, candy bar, small bar and paying for nice decor and games then I can easily see how the cost mounts up

BOFingSanta Thu 06-Dec-12 22:04:27

I think there was implied adviice in there actually: if this sort of thing happens all the time, perhaps it's time to consider the possibility that it's not them, it's you. If I attracted that much rage, rudeness and confrontation, I would start to examine whether I was doing something to provoke it, or at least wonder why I was surrounding myself with so many negative people. Is it possible you have self esteem issues, or a need for drama, or similar? It's worth at least considering.

OhDearNigel Thu 06-Dec-12 22:02:11

La Cicc - I think what I'll probably do is work out what we're going to eat and divide it up round those coming. Then I'll pay for drinks, decorations and sundries. We "do" parties in our office - we went to a conference yesterday as a unit and arranged a bring and share picnic lunch as no lunch was provided. We were the envy of the conference wink

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