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WIBU to hand my friend the dustpan and brush...

(94 Posts)

Ok, to give me some perspective just want to ask the MN jury this...

A friend came round a couple of weeks ago and gave lunch to her DD 31 weeks - a blw lunch of broccoli and tomato. Didn't ask if it was ok but we have wooden floors so I didn't mind too much thinking there would only be a tiny bit going on the floor, obviously it went EVERYWHERE completely covering my dining room floor, she looked very perplexed when after sorting her DD she just sat down and carried on drinking her tea. I got out the dustpan and brush and said d oyou want to use these? She hadn't offered to clean up, nor asked for anything to clean with, nor said I'll do it in a minute.

She hasn't been round since, nor has she initiated texts to meet, up until this point it was a weekly meet since my DD was newborn. Was this rude of me? I would fully expect to clear up DD's mess if she made any at someone elses house so didn't think this was out of the ordinary, but seems she may have taken offence...

I'm not overly fussed as if she'd left the mess without offering I probably wouldn't have been best pleased and not text her - but AIBU?? Really?

timothyclaypole Tue 27-Nov-12 15:00:01

YWNBU, I think I would have done the same (though may have chickened out!), and your friend was vvvvv rude to make no moves to clean up.

We still clear up in cafes etc too as both of our DS's make an unholy mess when eating (less necessary at granny's house as there is a dog grin). But, I'm sure there are times when I've forgotten and would have been mortified if it had then bee pointed out to me (as well is should have been), I would have expressed profuse apologies and then tidied up.

You shouldn't be inconvenienced if someone comes over unless you choose to be - friends always offer to help tidy after a playdate and I always refuse, but i like to be asked nonetheless.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Tue 27-Nov-12 15:00:07

YANBU. When I was on maternity leave a friend used to come around regularly too. She always left a trail of crumbs and dirty tea cups around her and never even offered to put her cup in the kitchen. I would have told her not to worry, but a thought would have been nice.

YADefNBU.

FeckOffCup Tue 27-Nov-12 15:00:25

How would you get broccoli all over your clothes if you were using a dustpan and brush to clean it up though? How old is your DD OP, I'm guessing not old enough to launch a spoon loaded with yoghurt at you as my almost 2 year old did yesterday or you would be used to a bit of food mess by now, it's really not that big a deal.

Wilson So it's ok for her to wipe the mess from her own tray/chair with wetwipes and leave my floor disgusting?

reddaisy Tue 27-Nov-12 15:01:38

YANBU

Chandon Tue 27-Nov-12 15:02:38

Yabu and i hospitable and weird, imo.

Yes, she should have offered to clear up, so she was bu, but then you kind of made a big point out of something small by handing her the dustpan.

As if to say: right, your job!

Even if it WAS her job, you making a point was kind of ....

How to say this...

The opposite of being welcoming and fun

putonyourredshoes Tue 27-Nov-12 15:02:42

blondiedollface - then you just have to accept you have different standards and if you want the friendship to continue you'll have to do it outside or in a cafe.

If it's any comfort, I bet she thinks you're odd too for your compulsive cleaning!

EwanHoozami Iran Tue 27-Nov-12 15:03:40

rightly or wrongly, you've embarrassed her. she's probably keeping quiet because she reckons you think she's an arse.

EwanHoozami Iran Tue 27-Nov-12 15:05:09

<sideways glance at BLW 7mo>

I MUST get a dog.

I'd rather be odd and clean, than normal and dirty!! I think normal meetings will def be park or café from now on (if there are any more!!)

BartletForTeamGB Tue 27-Nov-12 15:06:36

I always clear up after DS no matter where we are, whether that is our house, a friend's house or a restaurant.

"How old is your DD OP, I'm guessing not old enough to launch a spoon loaded with yoghurt at you as my almost 2 year old did yesterday or you would be used to a bit of food mess by now, it's really not that big a deal."

Gosh, did you mean that to sound so patronising, feckoffcup? My DS is 2.3yo, so we've had a bit of mess over the last wee while but I still clear it all up and would be surprised if any of my friends didn't offer to clear up their DC's mess.

bondigidum Tue 27-Nov-12 15:07:07

Argh my mother brought her DPs daughter (6) over to mine and they both started eating their lunch in the living room. She got her crumbs all over and mum just said 'oh you're so messy' and left the mess. I was hacked off.

Its rude- if I make a mess in someone's house of course I will clean it. Its not like going to a restaurant where someone is paid to clean up your mess, this is someone's house fgs. You weren't bu at all and if she can't see that then she clearly has no manners, much like my mother and her sd.

putonyourredshoes Tue 27-Nov-12 15:07:35

Really blondiedollface?

I do hope you meet more like yourself when your child is making a mess and you are all flustered and hot.

Or possibly someone who's not quite so uptight about solid oak floors and just enjoys your company.

I wonder who would be nicer to spend time with?

BartletForTeamGB Tue 27-Nov-12 15:07:57

"I'd rather be odd and clean, than normal and dirty"

I don't think it is normal to be dirty. Surely it is far easier to clean for 1 minute after each meal than to leave it all for later.

timothyclaypole Tue 27-Nov-12 15:10:28

Chandon and others who think the OP is being unreasonable, consider this;

A friend comes over for lunch. Halfway through they knock their plate and send food flying everywhere, all over the table and all over the floor. They say "oops", scrape the food that has landed on the table onto the floor, finish their lunch then go and sit on your sofa for a cuppa.

Wouldn't you be a bit shock that they didn't attempt to tidy up their own mess?

SoleSource England Tue 27-Nov-12 15:14:06

Depebds on your tone of voice etc. If you were rude, I wouldn't have come back either. Maybe she wanted to sit, drink her tea and then clean up.

ATourchOfInsanity Tue 27-Nov-12 15:15:50

I think YABU - only because I was also horrified when people did this to me, but have since had so many parties at mine/been to so many other peoples houses with DD that you realise that you can't realistically always clear up afterwards.

I think if anything your friend was being a bit tactless, what with you shoving the clean up apparatus in her face, by not putting her DC down to sweep your floor. Perhaps to save this happening again you could put a plastic mat or something easier to clean down in future, as I am sure you do with your DC?

ENormaSnob Tue 27-Nov-12 15:15:53

Yanbu

Completely rude and unacceptable to leave such a mess.

Chandon Tue 27-Nov-12 15:16:02

That is easy to answer.

If this happened, I would say: " don't worry!", then I would garb the dustpan and quickly tidy up, assuring my friend the china was not precious.

Then I would offer her a new plate of food.

The choice isn't between leaving it to fester for ages or bullying friend to do it!

There is a normal, reasonable option which I have mentioned now.

Idea?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 27-Nov-12 15:17:04

What did she do/say after you handed her the dustpan?

Kveta Tue 27-Nov-12 15:17:49

I have said to blondie elsewhere, I think there are several issues here though:
1. do you/should you clear up after your child if they make a mess at someone else's house?
2. if someone made a mess at your house, would you expect anything more than a cursory wipe to clear it up?
3. would you offer them a dustpan and brush?
4. would you be offended if someone gave you a dustpan and brush (or hoover, or mop or whatever) to clean their house?

personally I think that a bit of mess goes with the territory of having visitors. if you have a party, and there are lots of crumbs on the floor, you wait until everyone has gone to hoover up.

and brushing up brocolli and tomato would be very very messy anyway, as it's 'wet' food, so in your position, I would have started wiping it up myself, and even if friend had offered to take over, would have carried on, and maybe clean properly when she'd gone home. then only invited her over outside meal times in the future!

frantic51 Tue 27-Nov-12 15:18:05

WIBU to point out to those that are airily mentioning, "dogs as hoovers" that some foods which are fine for human consumption are, in fact,poisonous to dogs and, whilst broccoli and tomatoes are ok, they could leave the owner dealing with doggy diarrhoea 24 hours later? hmm

As a parent and a dog owner I was always more careful to clear up after my DCs when they were toddlers.

I don't think YWBU OP. I would have done the same, I think!

ToriaHosannaHeadacheChelsea Tue 27-Nov-12 15:18:10

YANBU. My 13mo is currently at the flinging everything he's done with across the room stage. Today in a cafe that included bread, pork pie, cheese, his beaker of milk, banana and a spoonful of yogurt. I got down on my hands and knees and cleaned it up. At home I clean up after every meal (we too have wooden floors if that makes any odds)

When I go to my friend's house, who has a 12mo and a dog I still clean the high chair down and offer to clean the floor when the wee ones have finished eating. It's not on, IMO, to expect someone else to clean up after your child.

frantic51 Tue 27-Nov-12 15:19:47

More careful if there were dogs around <fail>

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 27-Nov-12 15:20:05

I would think it rude not to clean up after my child, or at least offer to.

OTOH, maybe you didn't give her enough of a chance.

Need to know what happened after you handed /offered her the dustpan

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