AIBU to be a bit sad that unborn son will never have the same bond with DH as DSS does?(36 Posts)
Regular user gone anon for the usual reasons. Disclaimer; this will not be an easy or fluid read as I'm not quite sure how to get all I'm feeling put into words. This is also not a step child bashing thread, instead a thread about my DH and his behavior. My DSS and I have a very close and loving sibling like relationship.
My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years, married for 8 and have two daughters, aged 7 and 2. I am also currently pregnant with twins, including our first DS together.
DH already has DSS(18), who was born when DH was only 15. DH has been DSS sole carer since he was 10 months old, when DSS mother moved back to the US. As a result DH and DSS naturally formed a very close knit relationship and have literally grown up together. Their bond is so close that I some times feel like I'm living in a gender reversed Gilmore girls episode.
Throughout DSS childhood,DH perfected the combination of being both a mother and a father figure to DSS. Their relationship is much more characteristic of a mother-child relationship than a father-son one. Very close and very open. DSS has absolutely thrived in this environment, and as a result has grown up to be about as close to a perfect person as one can be; He's physically gorgeous, popular, intellectually brilliant as well as talented in arts, sports and music. In other words, any parents dream child (though he's not always the nicest or most modest of people, not that DH seems to mind)
On to my dilemma; When I found out that one of our babies was I boy I became very anxious. This has always been one of my fears as I just know that any DS will never be able to live up to DSS in DH eyes.
I finally approached DH about my fear last night and he pretty much confirmed that he doesn't believe that he would be able to bond with any of our children in the same way as DSS. He said that while he loves, and will love, all our children every bit the same as DSS ( I don't doubt this) He doesn't think it's realistic for me to expect him to bond in the same way with our DS, and that he's really just looking forward to being able to have a normal, everyday type relationship with our DS, and being able to leave the sensitive, maternal type love to me to deal with.
While I can appreciate the uniqueness of DH circumstances and parenting style with DSS, am I being unreasonable to be upset, and to be frank, Jealous that our DS will never experience the closeness, openness and friendship with his father that DSS has? AIBU to be scared that in 20 years time DS is going to be hurt when he see's them together and wonder why his father was never interested in having the same type of relationship with him that he does with his brother?
I know I must sound petty, and I know DH can't help feeling the way he does, but neither can I, and I already feel sorry for DS and he's not even born yet! I just don't know how to make DH see that while I know it's unreasonable to expect him to replicate the relationship I still think it's unfair that he doesn't even want to try and would be happy to be the average disciplinarian, old fart of a father with DS. I don't know what to do, it's making more depressed by the day.
You know YABU and you're pregnant with twins so you're allowed anyway.
It sounds like you DTs will be very lucky to be born with 2 parents who love them and 3 older siblings. Your DH sounds like a very good man who made a great job in difficult circs with DSS. He will still be a great father to your DS even though the relation won't be quite as intense because you will be there too. A good thing surely?
Sounds like you have a really lovely family OP.
Good luck with the new babies
I do think you are overthinking all of this - your DH is no longer the "boy" he was when he had his first DS. Each of us has different relationships with people - no two are alike. I am sure the relationship DH has with the new DS will be lovely and I am pretty sure that neither he nor the rest of his family will ever think that any of his and your children will be failures. I think your hormones are getting on top of you, tbh.
I have a wonderful relationship with my DD and we are very close; I also have a wonderful relationship with my DS but we are different together - my son has a very protective attitude towards me.
Enjoy the birth of your DTs - I am sure you will have a wonderful life together.
At 15 your DH would presumably have needed lots of help from PIL, so no doubt DSS is their baby too. I'm afraid there is nothing you can do about this.
My aunts husband is terrifically close to his dad, they are best friends, and it always interests me that the closest father and son relationship I know, has a 16 year age gap. Uncle was conceived when his parents were both 15, but 16 when he was born. They did get married at 16, before uncle was born, and have had a strong happy marriage. This was back in the 1950s. Just goes to show teenage parents can make wonderful parents.
Your DSS was abandoned by his mother in infancy and raised by a teenage father. Yet you feel your own DS, about to be born to a full, loving family, is somehow being shortchanged
Back again and I would like to thank you all, sometimes you really do just need a virtual slap from strangers. I had a good long think about what was really bugging me and this is what I came up with;
Deep down I know I KNOW I'm being unreasonable, and this is defiantly a 'give an inch, run a mile' situation, but I really can't help how I feel.
Just to clear up somethings; Regarding my DD's, I don't know, I just never felt that territorial (to quote CailinDana because I think it's a great description of the situation) over them as I felt like it was something new for DH to try, something he hadn't been there, done and perfected as I feel he has with a son.
If I am blatantly honest, there properly is a little jealousy on my behalf, as I have felt jealous of DSS on a few occasions in the past, that I have repressed time and time again, so perhaps maybe that's just coming to a head in this form. I hope that doesn't make me sound like a monster as I do love and care for my DSS very much.
The more I think about it the more I realize the problem is less DH, because I know you are all correct in that he's already proven he is an amazing father, and more his family. They are, I suppose understandably considering the circumstances in which DSS was born, very invested in DSS life. PIL are quite wealthy and successful, and Dh and his siblings, why successful in their own rights, never followed the path set out for them by their parents and were great sources of disappointment. DSS on the other hand is following this path to a tee. He is their angel sent from up above and they let everybody knows it.
I suppose my biggest fear is that my children (including my DD's) will be cast as the failures that my DH,BIL and SIL have instead of stars like DSS.
I know it's a completely different topic and I now see this favoritism is something I will need to nip in the bud, sooner rather then later, but thank you all for helping me to see that my anger may be a bit misplaced.
I have no advice, just wanted to say I think your husband and family sound wonderful.
I totally understand your anxieties, but your son will have. The added bonus of a mother and a twin and an amazing older brother. He'll do just fine .
I see what your husband is saying, I think its realistic and understandable but your son wont miss out, he wont.
Your DH sounds like a completely wonderful father and there's no reason to suppose he'll be any less wonderful with your new son. Just be very grateful & thankful that your children all have such an amazing start in life thanks to you and your DH (because you're just as important an influence, you know).
That your DSS & DH were alone together does give them a special bond. I was/am alone with my DS and I always thought that if I had another child (although I never did) it would not be quite the same. Any other child would have been equally as loved, but would not have that "us against the world" team thingy we have going on.
You're overthinking all of this, OP, and I think you know you are. Relax & enjoy your wonderful family
What about dss who didn't have siblings or live with his mother and father.
Your son will have infinitely more than dss.
The thing is, when he was parenting his DS he was also in his own childhood, so he not only has a relationship with his Ds1, but with his own childhood.
No parenting can be replicated.
You KNOW your DH knows how o be a good Dad to boys, you know he is a good loving parent, and if you think about it, you know that as soon as your DS is born there will be a different but equal relationship between your DH and your DS. Until their journey begins you don't know what it will be like, so you are comparing a known situation with an unknown, which is bound to make you feel a bt wobbly.
All will be well - UNLESS you continiue to brood on this, mentally test your DH for signs of an inferior relationship , and feel retrospectively jealous on behalf of your DS. that will create poison and resentment v fast.
Also remember - it's all nostalgia and rose tint - there will have been nights of despair, moments of immature inability to deal with a toddler, things he did then that would make your teeth curl in horror if he did them now.
Look forward, and deal with the known and now, and enjoy it for whatever it brings.
Once it is happening, I don't think you will worry about this any more.
Ok, this is incredibly patronising, but calm down honey! You're pregnant, this is the hormones talking. All will be well - your DH sounds like an amazing bloke and a great dad, and sounds like little DT boy will have a super dad and big brother to grow up with.
It will be a different relationship because it's different circumstances; but try not to worry - remember that lovely feeling of love when you hold them for the first time - your H will fall in love with both his new babies just as he did the first time round. He sounds like an amazing dad - and he's probably worried about his son himself because his son didn't grow up with a mother and sisters like your twins will. Try not to pre-empt what may never happen, just concentrate on growing two healthy babies
Your DH did something amazing. You should admire him greatly for that. To raise a child single handedly from age 15 and do it well is a huge huge achievement. In your shoes I think I would be in awe of DH and extremely pleased that I had bagged such a capable loving man. Of course his relationship with his new DS won't be the same - the circumstances are entirely different. In contrast your new DS will have a mum, dad and siblings. I'd imagine there is some pain in your DSS's heart that his mother left him and that will never be healed. I wouldn't ever wish that on a child.
Out of interest, why are you not concerned about your daughters? To be honest you sound territorial - you want your DS to be "the" son and he won't be. Do you daughters not deserve this deep relationship too?
In 20 yrs dss will likely have his own family - ds will possibly be an uncle and dh a gp - lots is going to happen in those years - enjoy the adventure!
you really need to stop looking at your unborn ds relationship with his father in 18 years time (wtf?) and accept that maybe you are being (more than a little bit) bonkers about this.
Your dh will have a relationship with your ds, and you need to just stop over thinking. You sound totally weird tbh, but I understand being preganant can make yoyu a bit of a worrier. Please accept that this is an unneccessary and fruitless concern and let it go. If you start worrying about it, tell yourself to stop and make a conscious dicision not to think about it.
Loving your children equally doesn't mean you have exactly the same relationship with them - I have a different relationship with my mum than to my dad, my brother has a different relationship with them than I do.
Haven't you worried about your DH's relationship with your daughters? Why does it matter so much with your son?
I like to think of it as when you light a candle from another candle, neither flame burns less brightly because there are now 2 candles.....
I am the equivalent of the DSS in this scenario, although brought up by both parents (divorced). My father went on to have further children much later in life than your DH and we all have a strong bond. It is a different relationship with my youngest sister as there is a 20yr age gap, but I still love her to bits. She treats me as a kind of motherly sister - not a peer, but not her mum, which may be unusual but is a valid strong relationship in its own right.
Your family will build the relationships which work for all of you - don't try to force it to be something different just value it for what it is.
It was really unfair of you to ask your DH to compare his children, you haven't asked him to do it with your daughters so why his sons?
He has answered you in the best an most honest way he could given the difficulty of the question and it seems like you have heard him confirming your worst fears, whereas what it seems he has said is that he will love them both the same but have different relationships with them both.
I have different relationships with my children because they all need me for different reasons but I love them all equally, I imagine most parents are the same.
You already have 2 daughters with your DH. Do you have any concerns over how he parents them? I would not view this so strictly along gender lines to be honest.
Wow - what an amazing man your DH sounds, OP!
A man like that will never be anything other than a fantastic Dad Each of his DCs will have their own special, unique relationship with him - your DS will grow up with an amazing family around him, and fantastic role models in both his Dad and older brother, too
Congratulations and good luck!
YABU but I can understand your worries.
you really cannot compare the situations. DH was different then to how he now is, DSS is another child with different character from your DS and the situation into which your DS will be born is totally different from the one your DSS found himself into when young. So "the outcome" will in any case be different. The bond will surely be there and will develop to be very strong, but it will NOT be THE SAME as how DH relates to DSS just as I relate differently but equally intensively to DD then to DS just because they are different.
FWIW, three years ago I was not happy to know I was expecting a DS2 rather than a second daughter just because I was anxious to repeat the non-relationship I had with my younger brother. However, I quickly experienced that my DS is totally different from my DB and that I am different from my mum as well as DH is different from my father. So really.... you can never compare.
You already have 2 daughters together? Are you not equally bothered that they do not have this special bond with their dad?
If not, why not? Not meaning to be confrontational btw, just curious
I agree with the other comments here, you are seriously over thinking this, his relationship with each of his children will be different as they get older due to the nature of their personalities.
His own child is far older than any of yours and the bond they have now as it has matured is more of a close friendship.
That only comes with time.
Whilst we always love our children it is not always the case that we like them, the same with any other member of our family.
I actually like my children and their personalities, but in relationships with men Ive loved them but not always liked them as it were due to their personality and our clashes.
I suggest enjoying the birth of your twins and watching the relationships unfold within your family without over thinking things.
Be glad that you have such a wonder husband as a father to your children.
He has you now to do the nuturing, the motherly stuff, his first born never had that so he had to be both mother and father to his own child.
In some respects Id wonder if you were jealous of their relationship.
Also your ds won't see his brother as a peer and compare experiences. He's 18 years older. Your ds will only know the adult relationship between your dss and dh.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.