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Actually, I think my sis is being selfish and unreasonable(142 Posts)
My Mum who is retired and lives on her own is really unwell. She has been hospitalised, and has since been discharged, but still very poorly, while she waits for a procedure which she will be in about 3 or 4 months time.
Me and 2 other siblings have been caring for Mum since she became ill about 6 weeks ago - calling every day to prepare meals, do dishes, laundry, shopping, make cups of tea, have a chat etc. Even when she was in hospital there was a fair amount in terms of laundry, visits etc. We all have DC, jobs etc, but it is no problem to do it as we are all really worried about Mum. Another sibling has even flown home from abroad to help out.
Mum is finding it really hard to get up and down stairs - thank goodness she installed a downstairs bathroom a couple of years ago. Yesterday she said she was thinking of buying a 3 seater sofa so that if she is too unwell to go up to bed, she can stretch out on a longer sofa and sleep on it (she only has a 2 seater sofa at the moment).
We have a further sibling, the baby of the family, who works abroad - let's call her Barbara. She is single with no DC. She moved out of her flat here about 8 years ago, and moved abroad to study, and now works abroad - it is unlikely she will ever return to live here. She has used 2 of the bedrooms in my Mum's house to store her furniture and possessions since then, making these 2 rooms unusable, but Mum doesn't mind.
When Mum said yesterday about buying a sofa, I immediately thought of Barbara's 3 seater sofa which has been in one of the bedrooms for the last 8 years. This would be a perfect solution, as Mum isn't even well enough to go shopping for a sofa, doesn't really have the income to be able to afford it (would be using savings), and probably only needs to use it for about 6 months until she has had her procedure and recovered. I suggested this to Mum, who said she would ask Barbara.
So today I was speaking to one of my siblings, who told me Mum had asked Barbara if she would be able to use her sofa. Mum had given assurances that she would care for it, use throws etc. Barbara has said no, she doesn't want Mum to use it.
[Mouth hangs open] Un-fucking-believable. So, is she being unreasonable?
Mum would never just use it without my sis' permission, and now that she has said no, I know my Mum won't want any of us to make a fuss. I actually feel really guilty now for putting Mum in a position where she asked and Barbara said no.
She will be home for Xmas (staying at Mum's ) so she would know if we just used it. Mum would never do that anyway.
Barbara is being a bitch. I'd use it anyway tbh.
If she has not used it for the last 8 years then why does she still need it?
How about clearing a whole room so that Mum can have a lovely downstairs bedroom as a sofa is not that comfortable for longterm sleeping.
Either move the stuff upstairs or put it into store and send sister the bill.
Wouldn't ask her about any of this , as she is not there to pull her weight or being helpful by allowing you to help Mum. In your shoes I wouldn't even tell her when it's done.
Then you need to get rid of her stuff and put it in storage. Don't involve your mum if she's going to be soft about it.
Selfish cunts like this really grind on my gears.
Bloody hell, no of course YANBU.
I agree with billing her or turfing the stuff out TBH if she's going to be such a callous cow about it!
She won't let her sick mother use a sofa she hasn't used for the best part of a decade that is stored in her mother's house?!
Sick mother. Kind mother. Massive favour. Not using.
How awful for your mother to find out now what a horrible bitch she's raised
At least she has the rest of you.
8 years of storage fees would more than pay for the ultimately swanky sofa, with probably something left over for private docs too. Your 'D'sis needs to get a reality check right now.
I'd phone her and give her what for! In facy, I'll do it for you if you want! What a cow! I bet she'd be on hand for a share of the loot if your poor mum passed away!
sorry didn't read it properly, assumed she had stuff in downstairs rooms
I wouldn't even be asking Barbara to be honest, I'd just get the sofa downstairs so your mum can use it then tell Barbara what's been done. End of.
It's in your mums house. Use it.
Chuck all her furniture out, rent out the two bedrooms and use the money to buy a lovely new sofa.
Fuck her. I wouldn't have even bothered asking her if it were sitting in my fucking house for 8 years.
I'd go in there and sell all her shit and buy your mother a couch.
My chin is on the floor at Barbara's behaviour.
I would ring her and tell her the sofa will be used by your mum or she can move everything into storage at Xmas time.
Will she look after your mum at Xmas time or will she expect to be looked after? If its the latter then she can stay in a hotel!
That is so horrid
If it was my sister
mind boggles, I'd just give her a call to catch up and then, in the course of the call, mention the sofa. I'd say that poor mum had obviously got confused and said that Barbara had said she couldn't use it fancy that however, you knew that there was no way that Barbara had said that so you're going to move the sofa for her
If she has the cheek to say no mistake, yiu can then have at full and frank discussion with her!
Barbara is out of order,
but it is hard when you are not up close to a situation to really understand what going on, she probably in denial as to the going on at home,
my youngest sister found it hard to grasp and understand how thing really were when she was living in the States when my mother had cancer, she went into a sort of shock when she came back, she could only visualise mum as she was before she left.
having spent quite a bit of time on the sofa after having a lot ops recently, I recommend a large wide feather one, you do have to drop the cushions on floor once a day to puff up, but it's amazingly comfortable and holds you in the position you need to be in, I can't recommend it highly enough, but it has made a huge difference to me, put "feather sofa" into ebay there is always good quality long wide one available.
I'd be telling barbra not to be so selfish that mum was going to use it and then tell mum that barbra said it was ok, then when barbra came home for christmas I would have a few choice words for her if she dared even object to its use.
the cheek! shes practally taken over your mums house and has no plans to use it in the near future. technically I think it now belongs to your mum anyway, call it abandand. but youd need some one with a better legal brain than mine!
Please send me Barbara´s number, I´ll phone her.
If I were you I would call Barbera to discuss it and if she still says no then say that she will need to use her time home at Christmas to find somewhere else to store her stuff. One good turn deserves another.
What an utter fucking bitch.
Ring her, don't worry about trusting yourself on the phone. Give her both barrels.
I think I might tell my mum that I'd double checked with Barbara and she was mistaken, of course she could use it. Then if she kicked off at Christmas, chuck all two rooms of her shit into the front garden and tell her to store it elsewhere.
Yadbu for putting this on Mumsnet and making me so
Your sister sounds fucking horrible. I'd call her and make her ring your Mother and apologise. What a selfish,entitled,spoiled little bitch! Or just email her a link to this thread. Hopefully then she can see how much of a twat she is.
Yes, please send Bab's details my way, I will put hr right.
Bloody fucking horrible, shame on her.
I would write a very very snitty letter from all the siblings, get everyone to sign it telling her what a totally selfish, vile rat she is being. VILE.
shiney makes a good suggestion
Clearly YANBU and Barbara is BU.
However, if I was in the position I don't think my DM would like have her DCs fighting and certainly not over something she was involved with. That would cause her stress that she doesn't need. So, protecting DM would be first priority here. Try not to involve her further and see if you can sort this with Barbara amicably as (guessing) that would make your DM happy.
I second the poster who suggested Barbara perhaps doesn't fully comprehend the seriousness here. When my DGrandma got ill, DM dealt with all the practicalities of care home etc and my DU (lives overseas) didn't get it until he saw for himself.
Wait till tomorrow when you're calmer and call Barbara for a chat. Or if you won't be able to stay calm get one of your siblings to call. Explain exactly how things are. Say you need the room for when you stay over to help your DM. Also say how much more comfortable DM would be on the sofa.
If Barbara still doesn't see sense perhaps use the more strong methods suggested above!
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