DH changing his plans so i have to cancel mine :(

(80 Posts)

DH and I have 8mo dd and he has 2 dc (11 and 10) from previous marriage. I am down at the moment, DH suggested it would do me good to have an evening with friends once in a while to get away from just being mum which I was excited about today and asked him last week if he could have dd as my mum is at a party herself tonight. He said it was fine at the time and even confirmed this morning that he;ll be back to give dd tea and do bedtime.

Just had a text from DH saying he forgot its his turn to take the girls to hockey club tonight and to get my mum to watch dd instead. I know the girls have hockey on a fri night and DH usually takes them (supposed to take in turns with exw but thats another story) which is why i asked last week and assumed he'd arranged for exw to take tonight otherwise we wouldn't have arranged an evening out.

this isn't the first time he has cancelled on me at the last minute and it seems if his ex needs him to have the girls anytime he'll bend over backwards to be there. he's out 2 evenings a week with them and everyother friday and weekend. then it turns into every weekend which i'm not complaining about i'm glad he has contact with them but then hardly sees dd in the week and at the weekend as always ends up taking them out riding or going to friends houses with them which he says is not appropriate for dd so young.

So about tonight I'm gutted, had my dress all picked out and friends excited etc but now i can't go but friends are going anyway and sounds shallow i know but i hadly ever get chance to go out have fun. it winds me up that his exw will suddenly change her plans and DH will drop everything here to suit her but we (me and DD) always end up being dropped and have to arrange alternative childcare which isn't fair as she his dd too and why should i have to change my plans when he could just say to ex he can't tonight and they can swap as she always does.

sorry if this doesn't make sense, im very frustrated.

oh AIBU to think it isn't much to ask that he tell me at time if he can't have her save me feeling let down like this or ask ex to rearrange?

Sirzy Fri 09-Nov-12 15:47:13

What time is hockey club? Can't he take your DD with him she is more than your enough to sleep in the car/pram

Otherwise can you go out afterwards?

ClippedPhoenix Fri 09-Nov-12 15:48:46

Why can't he have them all at yours and you still go out?

motherinferior Fri 09-Nov-12 15:50:19

He'll have to take the baby. And why on earth can't he take the baby when he's taking them to friends' houses anyway?

Hmm...im unsure.

If he always takes the girls to hockey club on a friday, I wouldnt ask him to stay in with dd that night - would arrange a different night of the week. Or, I would have mentioned the Hockey when asking if he was free.

Otoh I do think you need to establish some time for yourself regularly, even if its just one night a month where HE stays in and doesnt expect your DM to sit.

Dahlen Fri 09-Nov-12 15:52:44

I can sympathise enormously with you about this, and YANBU to be upset and to feel that your needs come bottom of the pile. However, I think your DH is probably caught between a rock and a hard place in this situation, and while he should have realised the clash sooner and done something about it, these sorts of oversights happen.

In your situation I would tonight get my mum to come over to babysit like he suggested - presumably it wouldn't be for too long as hockey for girls of that age isn't going to run on into half the night. You need this night out, and unless you get it you probably won't be able to discuss things with your DH without seething with resentment, which isn't going to help anyone.

When you are calm, you need to discuss the situation with your DH. While it's admirable that he's making such an effort with his DDs, it's not fair to do so at the expense of you and your DD with him. He;'s not doing you a favour by babysitting his own child for you to go out. You are facilitating his contact with his other DDs by caring for your mutual DD pretty much single-handedly it seems. He should be wanting to do as much as he can to ensure he's paying you the same degree of consideration.

If it's a habit of his to let you down, you need to ask why. Is he obstructive of you having a life outside the home in other ways? Are you a bit of a martyr who takes on more and more until you're overloaded? There could be all sorts of explanations TBH.

Hope you get things sorted.

Whoknowswhocares Fri 09-Nov-12 15:53:18

Ok so he's forgotten your mum is going out.....text him back and tell him she can't have DD and therefore HE will have to sort out all 3 children.
DON'T change your plans.

noseynoonoo Fri 09-Nov-12 15:53:59

I don't see that looking after his own baby and taking his DDs to a club are mutually exclusive.

I wonder why his ex is his ex?

motherinferior Fri 09-Nov-12 15:54:04

Her mum can't, she's going out. And he's supposed to take turns about the girls and hockey.

Dahlen Fri 09-Nov-12 15:56:17

Sorry, missed the bit about mum going out. blush

Second the suggestion that he takes your DD with him to hockey practise with the other two. Even though it can be difficult, it's no more than many parents have to cope with on an almost-daily basis, so it's not going to hurt him to do it for one evening to give his DW a much-needed night out that he promised he would commit to.

ChocolateCoins Fri 09-Nov-12 15:57:05

Why can't he take your dd with him?

ENormaSnob Fri 09-Nov-12 15:57:30

Yanbu

Thanks for the replies. He's refusing to take dd as its raining and he says the girls like their alone time with him. he won't be back til after 9 tonight and as im pretty sleep deprived at the moment i was only staying out til 10 at the latest.

hillyhilly Fri 09-Nov-12 16:00:24

I think in future you either need to be much more specific with him ie "I have arranged to go out on Friday have you changed the hockey arrangements?", or, better still, find yourself an alternative babysitter.
Longer term you need to talk to him about ensuring that you and dd do not feel you're playing second fiddle to older girls and how to blend your family and its various needs better.

noseynoonoo Fri 09-Nov-12 16:00:53

Your DD isn't going to be in the way - she'll be asleep. I think it is tragic that you DSDs don't see your DD as part of their family. I'm guessing your DH is a compartmentaliser.

You should stilll go out - insist on it.

HecatePropylaea Fri 09-Nov-12 16:01:27

Would it hurt your 8 month old to have a later bedtime just this once and he take her with him?

In families with older and younger children, you have to do this. So if he's saying he can't take the 8mth with him, he's wrong grin He can. It's just whether or not he will

Mrsjay Fri 09-Nov-12 16:02:14

so he has made a bit of a cock up you can still go out he will just need to sort out the kids he can take the baby to hockey club it is no biggie dont cancel your plans he doesnt need to be in the house to look after the baby , and TBH it would mean his DC wouldnt be able to go to their thing if you made a bit of a fuss and cancelled just say oh well take the baby

mypocketsareempty Fri 09-Nov-12 16:02:55

If he's that unreliable you should look for a reliable paid-for babysitter, you shouldn't just be dependent on him or the goodwill of your mum. I used to budget for a babysitter once a fortnight when the dc were small, sometimes I'd use it even if I stayed in, but it was well worth it for my wellbeing. Not cheap but for me the cost was as essential as electricity or phone bills. You need those nights out for your mental health and to keep social contacts, it's not something to just slot in when other people can fit it in.

forevergreek Fri 09-Nov-12 16:03:00

Rain cover on buggy/ use car?

Not taking baby due to rain is a lame excuse. Can't he feed baby then pop baby in buggy in sleep clothes and wrap up. Baby will be asleep by the time they are there and he will have a few hours with older girls alone still as baby asleep

Rindercella Fri 09-Nov-12 16:03:22

An 8 month old baby is young enough to be entirely portable and so going to hockey for a couple of hours with her really shouldn't pose a problem for your DH. She can sleep in the carseat/buggy or he can actually interact with her if she wakes up. I am presuming that his older two DDs do not need his full, undivided attention 100% of the time he is there?

Please do not change your plans. YADNBU and you should still go for your night out. wine

Dinosaurhunter Fri 09-Nov-12 16:03:33

This is not on , why can't you go out after hockey ? If I was you I would ring my dh and try to save your evening .

Iggly Fri 09-Nov-12 16:03:33

Do his DDs see your baby as their sister or not? Bit sad to keep them seperate.

HecatePropylaea Fri 09-Nov-12 16:03:59

xpost. after 9 is not the end of the world just once. And it really is better for all his children to see themselves as all his children - iyswim.

He's taking them to a club. Where, I assume, they'll be doing activities and so it's not 'quality time' as such?

It's not workable, long term, for him to try to have - or allow! - two separate sets of children.

MistressIggi Fri 09-Nov-12 16:05:42

Unpleasant to get your hopes up like that. And there is a solution, he just takes them all.
"He's refusing to take dd as it's raining" - this is outdoor hockey?

Teabagtights Fri 09-Nov-12 16:11:12

Seems to me you get the short stick in this relationship and he spends all his time doing other things.

I understand the need to keep a relationship going with his children, but they should be encompassed in both your lives not just his.

He also has another child the one you have.

If he cannot take his responsibilities seriously maybe you should reconsider your relationship. He takes the piss out of you.

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