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AIBU?

To have high expectations of my dh

20 replies

tholeon · 23/05/2012 10:01

we have two dcs, age 3 and 4 months. Am sahm and he has a high pressure job. We don't see much of him all week. I would definitely prefer more him and less cash but he is very ambitious and it is not an option. Am pretty resigned to it. Followed the recent thread about a woman in a similar position with interest. But surely when the children are so young, when I am up multiple times every night, breastfeeding so can't leave the baby for more than an hour or so - which I have done a couple of times since she was born- it isn't u to expect him to modify his sporting commitments a bit? He is playing all day Sunday, for a couple of hours on Saturday and tomorrow eve.. We've just had a row about it so sending this for ammunition...

OP posts:

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MaisyMooCow · 23/05/2012 10:03

I would definitely prefer more him and less cash but he is very ambitious and it is not an option

There's your answer. HIS ambitions are clearly more important to him than spending time with his family.

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Tryharder · 23/05/2012 10:16

Work is work so I don't think you can complain about that one. You say you would be happy with less cash but some jobs don't give you the option of doing less hours. Presumably your husband's only choice would be to resign and take on a lesser job which understandably he would be reluctant to do (assuming that is he would be able to find another job).

But saying that, YANBU about the sport. He is a family man and should be spending the majority of his time outside of work with you and his children.

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Tryharder · 23/05/2012 10:19

And if you had wanted to be married to unambitious man in a dead end, low paying job you could quite easily have married one! Please don't dismiss money because it's shit having to manage on very little!

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tholeon · 23/05/2012 10:22

Am not expecting him to give up his job and am aware that there are benefits! Just want to push us up the priority list a bit, particularly re the sport...

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RulersMakeBadLovers · 23/05/2012 10:24

How is wanting to spend time as a family having high expectations?

He sounds like he's the one one with high expectations - of you.

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IAmNotACowbag · 23/05/2012 10:30

On the other hand if he's long hours and stress does he need to do sport to unwind and release tension?

Having said that I don't think it's U of you to expect him to cut back and make time for the family first, as well as giving you a break to go off and do whatever you want.

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tholeon · 23/05/2012 10:30

Oh I dunno just because he does a lot more than my dad or fil ever did I guess. But times have changed. I thought. I hoped. Ho hum - better get the washing on then drag ds off beebies and onto some improving activity..

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EMS23 · 23/05/2012 10:33

YANBU, it's too much for him to be out all weekend, regardless of his job, the cash rewards etc.
Two separate issues IMHO.

Is this every weekend?

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YouOldSlag · 23/05/2012 10:36

YANBU. He is away from you all week in the day time- fair enough. He chooses to spend his leisure time having "me-time" by enjoying sport away from the family- No.

Not saying he should never go, but what you describe doesn't illustrate a man devoted to family life. I'd be pissed off too.

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Happypiglet · 23/05/2012 10:38

I sympathise. My DH is exactly like this work wise and when the kids were tiny I found it really hard. Now they are older it's not so bad and we pretty much manage without him in the week. I have made it work for us.
However my DH does not expect to have a lot of time for hobbies etc at the weekend. He does run on each day but that takes a max of 2 hours. And usually I am doing some activity with the kids anyway.
I think that playing for a whole day and then for some of the other day is unreasonable. Evenings I have less beef with. He needs to sort some priorities out. It's his kids as much as you that he is letting down.
Is the sport a seasonly thing or all year round?
I agree men in stressful jobs (or any jobs!) need outlets to destress but so do SAHMs with small kids!!

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flibbertywidget · 23/05/2012 10:38

tholeon. I have had similar issues, however my DH was a SAHD (His choice not mine) and for that reason we agreed he needed some interests and "Him time" - this equated to training two footie teams 4 x per week and a military history club.

When I became pregnant with DS, (DC #2), and working full time, I was exhausted and it created rows as I also wanted me time. I was working F/T, coming home taking over from him immediately, doing all the night time stuff, pregnant, housework (he did none) and being the sole parent at the weekend.

I made him go back to work last year. He still keeps up his outside home activities and we have constant rows about it. I can't even find time to go to 1 Zumba class per week. I am still working full time.

I seriously think a lot of men put themselves above their families and wives happiness.

It is/has created real resentment in our relationship, that I am trying to work through.

sorry - that was a me me me post. My advice to you would be to try and talk it through with him and tell him that you are a partnership at all levels, you support him to be a high flier, by being the SAHM, however he needs to be a part of his children's lives and your life. Otherwise you will end up very bitter and that is the path to ruin. He needs to support you. His role didn't end the day he knocked you up!

hope it all goes well for you

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Snowboarder · 23/05/2012 10:39

My DH dissimilar. We have DS1 and I'm due with no 2 in the next couple of months. He's out of the house 7-6.30 every day, often later. Routinely spends a night or two away with work during the week (works all over the country). Tries to fit a gym visit in during the week and on Sunday (when DS is napping) and plays football every Friday night 8-10.30.

Sometimes I feel like we barely see him but that's unfair. He's a fantastic hands on dad when he's here - and the minute he walks through the door he usually takes over entirely. He knows he has less time to spend with DS so makes it count and will do bedtime routine/ bottle/ bath/ story on the nights he is home to do it. At the weekends he near enough does everything! He even takes DS out shopping on Saturday mornings (bringing back some treats for me) for a couple of hours so I can have a leisurely bath and get ready for the day.

Because he's so good, and DS (14 mo) idolises him completely I would feel rotten telling him he can't play football once a week or go to the gym. I think if he was less good or I thought it was affecting his bond with our son I'd be less forgiving. I would love to see DH more too but understand that most people run their life like a balancing act. I like nice stuff, holidays and being able to provide for DS so I can't really complain that DH works so hard.

Do you feel that he's good when he's around?

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Snowboarder · 23/05/2012 10:40

Is similar not dissimilar.

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Ithinkitsjustme · 23/05/2012 10:42

Just a question, was he addicted to sport before you got together/ had kids together. If he was then in some ways YABU to expect him to change unless you had discussed it first. I wouldn't have married/ had kids with someone who I didn't know would be prepared to make that sacrifice (and my DH loves cycling)

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BillyBollyBandy · 23/05/2012 10:43

He is being very unreasonable.

I think he should pick one sporting commitment a week as his down time, and you also have an equal amount of time to do something. I appreciate that you won't be going far with a bf baby but you could at least lie in bed and read for a couple of hours.

Regarding the work, I know how you feel - our situation is very similar. And my DH does sometimes need reminding that our dc's are a joy and not a hardship when he wants to watch the cricket all weekend

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RulersMakeBadLovers · 23/05/2012 10:46

How much leisure time do you have each month, OP? And how much child-free time? Or, at least, time where you are not the default child-carer?

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redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 23/05/2012 10:48

what time does he get in in the evenings?

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Quenelle · 23/05/2012 10:55

YANBU about the weekends. If working less is not an option because of his ambitions he should make up for his weekday absence at weekends.

Fuck! He should want to make up for his weekday absence at weekends.

Why does it have to seem like such a sacrifice to spend more time with his children?

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badtasteflump · 23/05/2012 10:57

YANBU - but I don't think you do have high expectations of your H TBH.

Fair enough, he works long hours - there's not much he can do about that. But to me it is then only reasonable that he spends most of his free time with his family. And I struggle to understand why a man with a young family wouldn't want to do that.

Sport should come down the bottom of the list - certainly way below you and your DC.

A close friend of mine has lived with a similar situation for years. She was constantly saying she was unhappy with it (to her friends - not to him). A few years down the line, the DC are older and are doing their own thing a bit more. She now spends more and more time on her own whilst he is off at the weekends playing golf and football. Her DH and her are now full of resentment for each other, have completely grown apart and are on the verge of splitting up.

I don't mean to be the grim reaper here - just to say that you need to talk to him now, before this becomes a habit, and tell him you don't want to live this way, that you are serious about wanting things to change, and make sure it happens before the rot starts to set in

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tholeon · 23/05/2012 14:27

He is out between about six thirty in the morning and about eight thirty in the evening during the week. To be fair the all day sport is only about every three to four weeks but there is almost always a couple of hours every sat and Sunday and the odd evening. He has also unilaterally booked five to ten days of his annual leave for sport, am not sure exactly. I have had three child free hours since dd was born nearly five months ago, again to be fair she is ebf which makes it hard, he does sometimes take three year old to the park etc. He us pretty good when he is here but three year old always wants me and he can't feed the baby. I do all night wakings and early mornings for both of them - fair enough during the week but it would be good to have a bit of sleep at weekends, however again there is a limit to what he can do because of the feeding and ds always barges in and wakes me up at six anyway..

I am not asking for huge changes, I like being at home and am grateful for being able to do it comfortably, but a few tweaks, like eg him agreeing to no sport on a Saturday if he is playing all Sunday, would make me feel better. And eventually I would like to be able to do some more of my own stuff!