Am I a terrible terrible mother?

[mrsbertiewooster]

I hardly ever post here but just really would like some opinions/perpectives.

Just got all the children settled for bed. DD age 4 and half is acting up a lot these days, she is very wingy, almost every morning she wakes up in bad form, doesn't want to wear/eat anything we've chosen. She can be very quiet with vistors but also very feisty/grumpy with me and badly behaved.

I also have 20 month old Dtwins who are walking since xmas, they're getting very busy and I spend my days following them around the house so they won't choke on anything/fall, pull hot coffee/lamps on top of themselves. On days when we're out at the playground/library (I know I'm mad!) I let the twins walk around as they're in the buggy a lot, but I want them to experience things as well. On an occasion like this, DD is asking me to read a book, while am trying to stop one twin pulling books off shelves while other twin is heading out the door. It's getting more challenging to go out on my own with them.

The thing is DD's behaviour has gotten very bad and I know I'm to blame as I lose the rag with her, nothing serious or anything, just giving out and barking orders as her. lately I just take to throwing eyes up to heaven/getting annoyed if she's abotu it have a tantrum rather than dealing with it. Don't get me wrong, we have lovely moments in the day (made hot chocolate together before bedtime this evening, read a nice story on couch earlier while twins played with trucks on teh floor) But come bedtime I'm really grumpy with her and rushed through the story with her, I used the 'f' word and told her to 'get into to bed and it's too f*ing late'. It ended with a me giving her a kiss and a hug though and I told her I was 'sorry mammy was grumpy'

I feel so terrible about it. I know she's bad behaved because I'm short-tempered with her.

DH is good, but is in a stressful job and can also get short tempered in the evenings. I feel we're both finding this stage really hard.

The thing is that I'm afraid I'm giving the wrong messages to my children. Am so scared that it's only me with them most of the time (i work part time 4 mornings til one and then collect all from creche/montessori) This afternoon, I just needed 20 mins to myself when I got home from work but DD wanted to go into the garden and play ball, I gave into her of course as was too worn out for a tantrum.

Days are not always as bad as this - we usually have a harmonious time of it but lately I feel as if I've no parenting instincts left. Was just seraching online for parenting strategies but now feel worse as it's all 'be consistent, be confident' advice. I just don't do any of that or can't. I'm pathetic at this parenting role.

I feel worn out. I feel am not enjoying my kids at the moment. I also feel like I've no real help - my parentys/family live away and I've always been such a good coper (esp after the twins were born - I was very gung-ho about it all) that people think I'm managing fine. Am annoyed at my mother as she always says she'll come up and help but never does. Part of me is too proud to ask for help.

Is the world full of patient, happy, competent parents? I feel I'm the only one left.

Sorry for long rant. Thanks for reading and any advice would be really appreciated.

[EightiesChick]

You're not terrible at all. V understandable. Don't be too proud to ask for help. Ring your mum and just ask directly if she can come up for a few days, be specific about when. Get her to take the twins out so you can have one-on-one time with DD1, and then another day get her to take them all out.

[EightiesChick]

Continuing - I would try and arrange some quality time with your DD1 so you feel less bad about the really frazzled days. Can you afford/bargain for someone to take the twins out for a stroll somewhere towards the end of the day?

3 under 5 is very, very hard, so don't feel bad.

[whitewall]

You are not alone, i certainley have days like this often and i think most have days like this at some stage.

Dont beat yourself up about it. The fact that you are worrying shows how much you care about being a good parent. Having three small children could break the toughest of people. Dont be so hard on yourself. xx

[reliablemillipede]

hi op, no real advice just think you are knackered like the rest of us lol !, can you get yourself a babysitter for even one night a month ?, you and hubby could go out for a meal/cinema or just the local, I think when you are tired and stressed little things just seem so much worse.
Kids are great at picking up on emotions, and if your grumpy then she;ll be grumpy too iyswim - your dd sounds perfectly normal btw !

Chin up - things really do get easier when the kids are a bit bigger x

[verytellytubby]

I feel for you as a mother of 3 including mental twin boys

I had 3 under 3 at one point and I seriously thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. Don't beat yourself up. We are only human.

[CocoaLoco]

I'm not surprised you are worn out, and your 4yo is not badly behaved because of you, testing boundaries is what small children are made for. It's not brilliant to swear but I bet a lot of parents have done it, me included, you are not a robot.

I don't have any answers sorry, my 3 drive me to the brink of insanity some days, but if you could get a break at all I bet that would help a lot.

To just be feeling like this now, with having twins, I doff my cap at you, I'm sure there are some patient, happy, competent parents, I wish them well, they are better Women/Men than me.

Enjoy every harmonious moment you get and in the words of Homer Simpson "Don't keep beating yourself up, do it once then move on" .

[NowThenWreck]

Ah, you're not a bad mother. You are a human being.20 month old twins would do for me. Throw in a 4 year old and I would be a gibbering heap on the floor.
I had trouble coping with just a four year old(and i found 4 to be WAY worse than 2) let alone the other two.

Best tip: Positive reinforcement. I am shit at this btw, but when I remember, it works better than anything else, especially with a four year old.
It seems much easier to go for negative reinforcement e.g "stop doing that or I will take way your Thomas the Tank Engine" but actually children respond much better to "you behaved so well at the library-well done! Because of your wonderfullness we can have an extra story at bedtime tonight!"

It's habit I think, to get onto the habit of praise for the good as opposed to endless shouting and threats.

And bedtime is the worst. You are tired (knackered i would imagine) and you just want the little fuckers to go to bed.
Deep breath, count to ten, and focus on the positive.

And also, your four year old is doubtless feeling very insecure-not just one new sibling but two-so try and remember that all she really wants is you to herself, and that is probably why she is grumpy.
Get some help, do,and find a little time to just be with dd, just the two of you.

[NowThenWreck]

Oh, and I have been known to sigh "please go to sleep now. I am really fucking tired"
I do get told off for saying "the bad word" though!

[diminishedresponsibility]

please, give yourself a break. You've every right to be tetchy and knackered. Congratulate yourself each day for doing just one positive play thing. I'm sure things will get easier for you.

[justanuthermanicmumsday]

ur not alone, sounds like my life, except i dont have twins, 5 yr old, 4 yr old, 18 month baby, and baby on the way just because i love the already mad life i live
lol..not.

its tough, and i end up resenting my husband. he helps when hes around but by the time hes home kids are ready for a lesson with daddy, after which its tucking in bed, which daddy cant do eiher, the kids always want me. with the kids so small its relentless work, must be like that with you too, i understsnd how u feel.

same my daughter is 4 and she does feel threatened by the baby, but the baby is jealous of her big sis too, wont let her sit on my lap lol.

there is no remedy except them growing up. good time management, lots of sleep and a much needed break.

ive ad my first break since having the kids husband took 2 of them away for wkend i was left with baby and his mum. ok it wasnt a proper break but the closest to it. i was so relaxed, more like my own self. but what u and i need and many other mums out there is a break. without any kids alone or with our own friends. i can see it happening to be honest not for me i hope u have better luck.

i have used bad lingo too, but dont anymore, just think ur daughter may turn around and use it on ur later in life, and that would break ur heart im sure, i mean all he hard work ur putting in now u dont want a child or urs disrespecting u in that manner when u devote ur life raising them. take a time out when u feel the urge to swear, leave the room until ur calm.

i hope things get better for u

[SmethwickBelle]

You sound like the model of restraint to me! I used to feel pretty "in charge" but with DS now 4.5 and so BIG and so good at wheedling... and my toddler 2.4 and very physical not to mention grumpy I do sometimes think I am a zookeeper not a mother and wonder if anyone listens to a damn word I say. I am often the parent chasing or chiding in the park, stories often get rushed through, temper gets lost...

Can you think of anything that would be nurturing and rewarding for you - something each day or at the end of the week - a swim, a massage, or even a nice bottle of wine or expensive box of chocs? You need some things to look forward to when you're working so hard all the time x

[Minstrelsaremarvellous]

First of all, bloody Nora I'm well impressed with what you achieve! Just getting them out the house deserves a medal! Lots of respect to you!
Secondly, I thought you were describing my DD! She's 4, and I've got a 5wk old and her behaviour started pushing boundaries waaaaaaay before DD2 appeared! I chant silently to myself "I am the adult, I am the adult" as I count to 10 (sometimes 50!). I've lost the plot on occasion so you are holding it together more than you probably realise.
I get not asking for help, but Do It Anyway. I decided to say out loud to my PIL that I'm bad at asking for help and somehow, it made it easier - it turns out, they were desperate to help but didn't want to interfere. They played hide and seek with DD1 the other evening for 30mins and she was beaming with the attention. MIL then made dinner and I could have cried with relief!
Please be kind to yourself, you are doing an amazing thing, in the midst of the stress and exhaustion, PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK! Because you are so self-aware I imagine you're a brilliant, caring mummy.

[mrspepperpotty]

Agree with everyone else that this is a very hard stage and it's not surprising you're knackered. It will get better!

"The thing is that I'm afraid I'm giving the wrong messages to my children. Am so scared that it's only me with them most of the time" - I'm not quite sure what you mean by this? Do you mean that you feel the full weight of responsibility of shaping their characters, because you are the biggest influence in their lives? Well of course that is true to an extent, but try to relax a bit. It sounds like you are putting too much pressure on yourself to be the perfect parent. The most important think is that you are their mum and you love them!

[iismum]

You sound a lot like me. My children are similar ages, but both singletons, and my husband works from home in a not-too-stressful job, so I really should be coping better - I dread to think how I would cope if I were you. I'm not an especially volatile person and don't lose my temper easily, so I've been really taken aback by how quickly and easily I can become furious with my 4yo.

I agree with the positive reinforcement suggestion. I've found a bit of bribery as well as praise works wonders, as long as its consistantly applied. I found the book 'Divas and Dictators' extremely helpful, without being preachy or making me feel a failure.

Take whatever help/breaks you can, and then just grit your teeth and remind yourself that it won't last - before you know it, you'll be looking back nostalgically on the toddler days!

[bugster]

Don't worry OP, everyone with small children has been there, even if we know all the theory about being consistent, natural consequences, positive reinforcement etc it is very difficult to follow it all the time when we are tired and have our own emotions of frustration and anger to contend with. We are humans not robots!

I felt exactly like you yesterday. I guess I have it a lot easier than you because mine are 7 and 4, but actually yesterday I lost it twice with my 7 year old DD, she is incredibly jealous of her younger sister. They are both jealous of each other actually which I know is normal but it makes DD1 in particular do crazy ings and habe the most over the top reactions. There are some little animal pendants to collect from the supermarket and neither of them is really interested, but because a neighbour gave one of them to DD2, when DD1 was at school, DD1 went livid at the unfairness of it all, screamed, didn't want to eat, started tearing things up etc. I try to deal with it as calmly as possible, but when she just gets more and more irrational after a time I see red and scream and send her to her room. If I shout suddenly it scares her, she's really sensitive, so then I feel totally guilty like you when you posted this.

I had A very similar scenario at bed time and ended up shouting again, yes bed time is the worse, especially since I have done bed times by myself all week as DH has been away on business.

As far as the bad language goes, i really hate the 'f' word, it's just not a part of my vocabulary and makes me wince every time I hear it from the lips of adults as well as children. I would just try not to use it in general because when you are angry I can well imagine it would slip out if you use it normally. DH and I never use it and since they get all their English from us (we are in a German speaking country) the DCs have never heard it, something for which I am very grateful.

Sorry for the long rambling post but what I really wanted to say was you are not alone, noone's perfect, hang in there!

[treadwarily]

Oh i so remember that stage of following my son around to stop him smashing things/dismantle light sockets etc. He was very curious and I found him exhausting in a way I never experienced with the older one. Having 2 of these little explorers must be so hard! Never mind the 4yo. I think 4 is quite a trying age, they talk a lot, demand demand - they are learning so fast and starting to break away. When you have had a breather you can so admire them but when you're in the thick of it, it can be deeply frustrating.

So you have my full sympathy.

You sound like an amazing mum, you just need a bit more help. Can they stay at creche a bit longer so you can get a break between work and home?

[eppa]

Please don't feel alone. I find it hard coping with a pre-schooler and a toddler and would probably fall apart if I had 3!

Recently it has got very hard with DD having tantrums and DS joining in so I am trying to do the following to help a bit.

1. Noting down causes of tantrums and finding ways to head them off at the start i.e if they are when she is hungry making sure I always have snacks/drink with me, not doing things if she is tired etc
   
2. Picking my battles - not getting into a big argument unless it is something that is unsafe for her or others i.e if she decided tea was "yuck" I will say ok but then you might be hungry later - so therefore letting her take the consequense rather than get into a battle
   
3. Making sure there is as little cause for arguing between DD/DS as possible even if this means getting them the same toy / making sure their food looks exactly the same etc.
   

Obviously this is untested as yet but I'm hoping it might help!!
Also I'm assuming your DD will start school in Sept as will mine and this will help too (I hope).

[kiwimumof2boys]

Can't add anything that hasn't already been said, but you sound you're doing a great job. I just have 2 - 4yo and 18mo and I am a SAHM and I often feel frazzled ! (my 4yo sounds like yours . . sigh).

[Hoebag]

ur not terrible ,

people forget that children are individuals with their own will to be naughty, often people treat children like they are simply an extension of their parents.

all you can do is deal with it when it happens :) big e-hugs

[Spiritedwolf]

Is there a playgroup or similar that you could take them to? I just wonder if having a relatively safe environment with lots of things and other children to play with could make you feel less on tenderhooks about your DTs getting up to mischief and you could find time to talk and play with your DD if she didn't want to play with the younger children.

It might also give you a more realistic idea of other children's behaviour and other parents parenting so that you realise that noone else is a perfect parent with perfectly behaved children either.

As you say that you feel you need to follow the twins about to stop them from hurting themselves, I wonder whether you would feel more in control if you directed their activity more rather than feel you end up chasing after them. Like saying 'lets play xxxx' and getting that toy or activity out on the floor/at the table for them to play with, so that you can either play with them, or when your daughter needs attention, you can keep an eye on them whilst playing/reading with her. I noticed that you got a chance to read with her when they were playing with their trucks, so wonder if you could engineer this situation to happen more.

I second the advice to get more help from friends/relatives/other mums/or possibly childcare to make sure that you get quality time with each of your DC without worrying what the others are getting up to. And make sure that you get a rest too.