to not really want my friends to give me a baby shower

[CarrieInAnotherBabi]

a few of my friend have been excited and saying they are going to give me a baby shower.

i just don't feel comfortable with it, i don't really like being the centre of attention, i would feel embarrsed, i would somehow feel under pressure.

i feel like a horrible ungrateful git.

whats a nice way to thanks but no thanks, i was thinking something like, thats a really kind thought, but i'd prefer you to visit me after the baby is born, i don't feel right celebrating before....

what do you think.

they arenot thinking about doing it now, but before the baby arrives.

[ViviPru]

"I don't feel right celebrating before" = perfect. Honest, and just personal/edgy enough that they will hopefully back off. Stick to your guns.

[JosieRosie]

Yep, stick to your guns OP. People celebrate in different ways and baby showers are not everyone's cup of tea

Tell your friends you would LOVE to have them round for a little afternoon tea after baby is born and you are back on your feet again

And congratulations to you!

[CarrieInAnotherBabi]

thanks, i just don't enjoy those types of things.

i didn't enjoy my hen do, i just found it stressful and even my wedding day which i did sort of enjoy, i was glad when it was all over.

i know they mean well, but it just makes me cringe and feel bad, i know i wouldn't enjoy it, i'd dread it and be glad it when it was over.

i do feel liek a right moody ungrateful cow,but its just how i am

[CarrieInAnotherBabi]

thanks, yes i will have to stick to my guns as a few of them will try and rail road me, well meaning but bit on the bossy side at times.
plus a couple of them love organising anything

[ViviPru]

If they're good friends, they'll understand. I'm well meaning but a bit on the bossy side at times, plus I love organising things. A good friend was adamant he didn't want a stag do earlier in the year, so i suggested we have a mixed-gender pre-wedding party at our house instead. He still wasn't enthralled as he hates the spotlight, which he hinted at me, so I rebranded it a big end-of-an-era party for all our friends who are all going through big life changes (as you do early 30s) and he came and loved it.

Hopefully your bossy friend turns out to be as wise and generous as me

[CarrieInAnotherBabi]

vivi, you don't know me in rl do you!

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

Same position here but slightly different reasons. I leave work on Weds for maternity leave 2. When I left the first time I was given a mega send off. Was a complete surprise, was really touched, they all went to a lot of effort and these were people I considered friends.

Now things have changed, those people have moved on. This lot will feel the need to do something because it's the done thing. It'll be awkward, most of them barely know me and could care less. I want to just say my goodbyes and go but won't be able to. I managed to hide my 40th birthday from them recently for the same reason but can't pretend I'm not having a baby! Beam me up Scotty!

[CarrieInAnotherBabi]

gwen i know that feeling, kinda ground swallow me please

[ViviPru]

If I did Carrie, I'd be inviting you to a "low key get-together" with your favourite pals at the loveliest restaurant in town where we may or may not be slipping you a few thoughtfully chosen little mum-to-be trinkets while I spend the entire time making sure the spotlight never shines too overbearingly on you yet simultaneously ensuring you have a thoroughly enjoyable time

[JosieRosie]

Gwendoline and OP, I feel really strongly here that you should NOT have to have a baby shower just to make other people happy! It's just not everyone's thing so please don't feel bulllied into it!

Gwendoline, could you make up an excuse about being totally EXHAUSTED and not up for any kind of fuss - but you appreciate their thought etc etc?

[FrizzyFrazzled]

I didn't have one either with my first and won't with this pregnancy - an I am in Australia where baby showers are seen as a bit of a "must". My sister and my friends - organisor extraodinaires - were disappointed and thought I was "miserable" but late in pregnancy I just wanted to nest and float in my own little bubble. I also wouldn't have wanted presents (hate feeling that people are obligated to get me presents, and the baby shower seems a bit grasping to me) and HATE those twee baby shower games too. So stick to your guns!!

[blonderedhead]

Surely you only have to worry only once a year Natasha? Or are your friends so keen they might throw you one at any moment?

[Clossaintjacques]

YANBU
I didn't have a shower for either of mine, I find them really distasteful and a bit stomach churning if I'm honest.
I spoke to my friends and told them clearly that they make me cringe and please not to organise one. They honoured my wishes thankfully.
My close friends did buy a few things before each DS but that was of their own free will rather than at a compulsory party.

I also find it odd that it only seems to be women who have these parties, surely the husbands are having a new baby too.

[troisgarcons]

Once upon a time people waited for the safe arrival of a baby. Supertistion n'all that.

[Backtobedlam]

I never wanted a baby shower, quite superstitious etc. but one of my friends arranged a surprise one. It was in a restaurant with a load of my friends, we rarely all got together, and had decorations and a few small gifts. It was actually really good fun, and a chance for a last night out without worrying about childcare, night feeds etc. However, if you really don't fancy it and tell your friends why I can't see anyone being offended

[TidyDancer]

I didn't have a baby shower with either of mine because I find them tacky and my friends knew this.

I would honestly just say you would rather have a lovely little gathering after the baby arrives because then they can all have a cuddle of your new arrival. :)

[FlossieFromCrapstonVillas]

Tell her you'd rather just go out for a quiet meal with a couple of friends. There's no shame in dating you don't want any fuss.

A colleague has recently arranged her own BS saying she'd prefer vouchers. Hmmmm.

[FlossieFromCrapstonVillas]

Dating?? Saying. iPhone fail.

[LoveInAColdClimate]

By "baby shower", do they mean some dreadful hell with games and you as the total centre of attention? I quite understand you not wanting a fuss and preferring to wait until the baby arrives safely before celebrating, but would you be happier with something like a low key afternoon tea with friends so you can have a catch up before any meeting with friends is split 80/20 between you having to give attention to the baby and actually being able to talk uninterrupted to your friends? Could you suggest that as a compromise? But quite understand if you don't want anything, rather than just not wanting some nappy cake and games horror.

[LoveInAColdClimate]

Gwendoline - is there any way you could take your last day in the office as holiday, but not tell anyone except your boss and secretary, and ask them to keep it quiet? Presumably any fuss would be likely to take place on your last day?

[PinkFondantFancy]

My MIL was disgusted that I didn't want a baby shower and all of you have summed it all up already-don't want to be centre of attention, don't want people to feel obliged to give gifts, dont want tacky games, wanted to wait until there was actually a baby to celebrate...

I agree with the others, you could have a low key dinner with friends to celebrate the freedom to go out without a sitter. Or have people over once the baby's arrived and things have settled down.

Gwendoline, love's idea is a good one, any chance of an unannounced day off? Only prob is that they'll be disappointed if they have organised something and you're not there.

[Cherriesarelovely]

YANBU, its not everyones cup of tea. I would tell them exactly what you said in your OP.

[notveryinventive]

I could have wrote this post a few months ago, but I was scared I was going to get a load of YABU's and I should cheer up etc etc etc.

I have recently made some new friends and they suggested to me about a baby shower (I was PG with DC3) where everyone could get me gifts, I used the same line I had used with everyone "As its DC3 we have everything we need" and thought phew got away with it, but then they decided lets have a pamper party for you instead. I was really not looking forward to it, didnt know how to tell them I didnt want it so went with it. It was on a sat night at one of the girls houses and all that day I was nervous as I knew there were some surprises. When I got there I just made sure we just sat around chatting, there was no pampering to be done To be fair to them though, they had only known me 6 months or so.

Like you, its just not me. I hate to be the centre of attention and hate for people to make a fuss of me. I hated actually getting married (the actual standing up saying our vows bit) and I am never going to do it again (should something happen to DH or our relationship).

I wish I could have said no, its just not me. But I went through with it and although it wasnt as bad as I feared, I still would have rather have not done it.

So no YANBU.

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

I thought of that :) My last day is Weds but due to people's work commitments they're planning it for Tuesday. Devious sods